Progress! The game runs if I select compatibility mode as Windows Vista, SP1, or anything earlier than that on the list. So... I don't really know what to make of that.
Good thinking, but no. As far as I can tell, there's nothing particularly unusual running in that regard. The only AV I have is the Microsoft Security Essentials software. I heard that something called "TeamViewer" could cause this problem too, but I don't have that either. I'm running STO through Steam, but I tried…