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[Fan Screenplay] Star Trek: Odyssey series
sumghai
Member Posts: 1,072 Arc User
For TRIBBLE and giggles, I've started adapting STO's story missions as screenplays for a hypothetical live-action / animated TV series. Here's there first one:
Star Trek: Odyssey - S1E01 "Azura"
Summary
While testing a new propulsion system on its maiden voyage, the Federation starship Odyssey suffers a breakdown and is stranded far from friendly territory, where they find themselves responding to a distress call from a freighter under attack from Orion pirates.
Based On: Star Trek Online MMO game mission "Stranded In Space"
https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B3zePiS4VoUWaXFtdUFtRERBMUE/view?usp=sharing
Comments, critiques, and cat litter welcome.
Bonus material - a headcanon explanation for the ship's name and class.
Star Trek: Odyssey - S1E01 "Azura"
Summary
While testing a new propulsion system on its maiden voyage, the Federation starship Odyssey suffers a breakdown and is stranded far from friendly territory, where they find themselves responding to a distress call from a freighter under attack from Orion pirates.
Based On: Star Trek Online MMO game mission "Stranded In Space"
https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B3zePiS4VoUWaXFtdUFtRERBMUE/view?usp=sharing
Comments, critiques, and cat litter welcome.
Bonus material - a headcanon explanation for the ship's name and class.
Laws of thermodynamics as applied to life: 0 - You must play the game. 1 - You can't win. 2 - You can't break even. 3 - You can't quit.
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Comments
In hindsight, I've realized that (beat) should only be used for dramatic pauses. I'll definitely go over and rework my dialogue to use less of them.
Thanks!
I've got mixed feelings about this.
On one hand, I've been fairly careful not to scatter profanities willy-nilly, but at the same time most Prime-universe Trek dialogue tends to comes across as a little sterile (perhaps this is so that Trek could be rated as RG or RG-13).
Therefore, wherever I've used profanity, I've done my best to limit it to instances where they would be natural-sounding. Hopefully no cluster f-bombs will show up in future screenplays.
Therefore, I'm going to hold off on removing all those (beats) from my screenplay. Thanks for your input regardless, though.
Show me an example of what I could use instead.
In my opinion, "damn" and "hell" sound far too sterile for certain situations.
The main characters are intended to be younger and less familiar with their roles and responsibilities, rather than being dignified and mature like Kirk and Picard.
* Eliminate extra words. Be economic.
* Be sparse with the Parentheticals. Current script writing techniques say not to over use them.
* Don't use phrases like "our attention is drawn to". It pulls readers out of the script.
* Write visually. Write only what we can see. When describing characters be visual. You described one of your characters as 'kind'. How can we see that?
* Take another pass on the dialogue. In some places its on the nose. Characters explain things to people who already know the information.
* In one scene you wrote "everyone gets to work". Be specific.
* Don't use camera angles and directions. Takes readers out of the story.
* Don't use 'is'. I believe you wrote that a character was holding on to a 'railing and is sucked into space'. Use a stronger verb "Kirk's hand slips off the railing. The breach in the bulkhead sucks him into space."
all in all good job.
Let us explore it... together. Each man hides a secret pain. It must be exposed and reckoned with. It must be dragged from the darkness and forced into the light. Share your pain. Share your pain with me... and gain strength from the sharing.
Something my a creative writing professor told me is that swear words are essentially non-words--they don't carry a whole lot of meaning or significance. Someone muttering the word s*** over and over again is roughly the equivalent of angry grunting. Angry grunting will do just as well, or even even silence. Just have your crewman look stressed and carry out their work without wasting brainpower muttering words to no-one.
Similarly, the proper response to spinning around and seeing your teammate slammed against the wall and an enemy closing to melee range is not "oh f***," it's concentration so you don't have the same thing happen to you.
These characters may younger and less refined, but they're still trained professionals. Officers, with 4 years of training behind them. They're supposed to know what to do in emergencies.
As a few comments;
I'm surprised officers after several years of war are surprised ships are being rushed out of the slips.
Why wasn't Zhang been reported to at least a ship counselor at the beginning? In-universe he seems to be considered a creep and it's affecting his professional career. He's clearly improved by the point the main story body is taking place, admittedly, but not an intro that puts us right on the captain's side.
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My forum single-issue of rage: Make the Proton Experimental Weapon go for subsystem targetting!
I'm already writing in present tense as much as possible, but "works" on its own seems imprecise, and fails to describe the urgency of the scene.
Assuming you're also referring to the (beat) comment, I'm using fewer parentheticals than the official final drafts of TNG/DS9 episode screenplays.
What would you recommend instead?
I've kept character descriptions as minimal as possible, and already depicted through the character's dialog and actions how they are "kind". Just mentioning character appearances alone doesn't mean anything.
Please point out a specific example.
In that scene, it wasn't important precisely what they were doing.
In my case, I sometimes include camera directions because I want to highlight a specific detail or envoke the desired "feel" of the story.
A traditional pure "spec" script like you guys were expecting would read as a documentary rather than a drama.
Isn't that how one would write in present tense?
The level of concentration and discipline you describe would render them Mary Sues and Marty Sues.
These characters are not supposed to be implacable, invincible heroes - they may have been officers for a few years, but they're still rather wet behind the years. I want them to be rough around the edges, have unsympathetic failings and make mistakes at first, before slowly growing into their role in the story.
Much appreciated
Naivety - they probably know it happens, but in the heat of the moment, they didn't expect it to happen to them.
Perhaps he already has been reported to one off-screen, and possibility even had a formal reprimand on his record, but I decided that detail was unnecessary for that scene.
With Zhang, I didn't want him to be likeable right away, even after the timeskip - rather, I'm aiming for audience to gradually accept him by the time we reach the later seasons, warts and all.
As an aside, when I see that level of profanity in a movie or TV-show, I tend to interpret it as edginess for edginess' sake. "Oh yeah, they didn't writers who can make an impact, so they tried to fake it with profanity." That doesn't seem to be what you were doing, but it was my automatic response.
Unfazed.
No amount of "preparedness" and "concentration" would sufficiently mitigate an unexpected and imminent danger.
If you don't believe that I'm deliberately making my narrative edgy, then your automatic response wouldn't have been necessary.
I wouldn't use 'works'. Find a verb that conveys 'works feverishly'. With script format you want to be economic with your words.
TNG/DS9 scripts were written in the 80's an 90's. Current screenwriting protocols say be sparse with them.
You dont have to use anything in replacement for "Our attention is drawn to". Your scene descriptions are already drawing our attention.
Example: Kirk steps onto the bridge. The alarm light blinks red. (Our attention is drawn to the alarm light without saying it is)
With describing characters you can only describe what we can see. Here's what Kirk's description might be like from Undiscovered Country: Kirk, 50's, wisps of grey streak through his hair, stands before the Federation Council.
Kirk may be a kind or compassionate or the federations top tactician but we can't see these.
If it's not important to the scene then don't write it. "Gets" is a weak verb. A better way to write it is "Everyone returns to their stations."
You highlight details in your scene descriptions. Placing camera angles takes a reader out of the story. You don't need to add them to create drama. Pure spec scripts don't read like documentaries. The good ones flow without needing to add camera angles.
Don't use the word "is".
Let us explore it... together. Each man hides a secret pain. It must be exposed and reckoned with. It must be dragged from the darkness and forced into the light. Share your pain. Share your pain with me... and gain strength from the sharing.
Do you have a screenplay that you've written, so that I can compare it with mine?
Summary
Captain Zhang and the crew of the Odyssey must prove the innocence of a decorated Cardassian Defense Force war hero accused of conspiring with the True Way terrorist organization.
Based On: Star Trek Online MMO game mission "Standoff"
https://drive.google.com/open?id=0B3zePiS4VoUWTVFseU5GVXM1Mms