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Literary Challenge #59 Discussion Thread

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  • marcusdkanemarcusdkane Member Posts: 7,439 Arc User
    edited February 2014
    Here is the revision... Readers discretion is advised, but please enjoy...

    For ease of reference/visualization, here're the actors I would cast if I was filming this tomorrow...

    Ael t'Kazanak - Cobie Smulders
    T'Natra - Gal Gadot
    Brandon Mayer - Jason Lewis
    Kartan'atar - Terry Crews
    Lorren - Victoria Justice
    Bellic Chanos
    Pok Raban - Jack Black
    Xetiva - Fairuza Balk
    Keill Staros - Russell Brand
    Yori Elden - Sarah Hyland
    T'Reya - Emily Ratajkowski
    Claire - Lacey Chabert
    Baryn Delian - Steven Seagal
  • squatsaucesquatsauce Member Posts: 0 Arc User
    edited February 2014
    worffan101 wrote: »
    It's fine. Good, actually. I liked it quite a bit.

    Thank you. I will try not to let it swell my already colossal head.


    If you need help imagining what the characters look like, here's a helpful rundown:

    Khas: A cross between a D&D Ankheg and a Xenomorph from Aliens. But cranky and socially inept.
    Chaz: Mira Furlan (Delenn from B5)
    Lydda: Feel free to imagine any dark-haired, pale-skinned hollywood starlet that pleases you, I guess.
    Byron: Kind of like Orlando Bloom, maybe?
    Gom: A generic Jem'Hadar
    Paxaton: Bill Paxaton. I mean Paxton.
    Lieutenant DiCapo: A stock photo of a smiling IT guy.
    Captain Bonswon: J.K. Simmons
  • worffan101worffan101 Member Posts: 9,518 Arc User
    edited February 2014
    squatsauce wrote: »
    Thank you. I will try not to let it swell my already colossal head.

    :D

    The Vorta was hilarious, especially.
  • ryan218ryan218 Member Posts: 36,106 Arc User
    edited February 2014
    So, does anyone else mind reviewing my entry? I mean, not to be annoying or imposing, but...

    I kinda feel left out with only one review. :(
  • squatsaucesquatsauce Member Posts: 0 Arc User
    edited February 2014
    ryan218:

    I am not the best critic of such things, so feel free to disregard anything I say as simply being my opinion ('cause it is).

    The writing itself isn't bad, but it didn't do much to focus on the mystery. The issue with the murders felt like almost an afterthought to what is otherwise a story about the captain's romantic angst.

    It breezes in and breezes out, almost like minor, relatively unimportant incident in some larger tale.

    And don't feel too bad about not getting any reviews. I hardly ever do, either. :D
  • grylakgrylak Member Posts: 1,594 Arc User
    edited February 2014
    ryan218 wrote: »
    So, does anyone else mind reviewing my entry? I mean, not to be annoying or imposing, but...

    I kinda feel left out with only one review. :(


    I'll post my thoughts when I get the chance to read it. So far, only found the time to read the first one.


    I'll probably write mine up on Saturday evening. Probably be when I get time to read them as well.


    Just please note, I already had a Betazoid Doctor, Bob Juffra, long before this LC was announced. He's in 60, assuming that is the redux. So he wasn't just created for this LC. Though it does tie in nicely. And it'll be nice to have the second LC set on the Viper.
    *******************************************

    A Romulan Strike Team, Missing Farmers and an ancient base on a Klingon Border world. But what connects them? Find out in my First Foundary mission: 'The Jeroan Farmer Escapade'
  • masopwmasopw Member Posts: 157 Arc User
    edited February 2014
    @aten66: thanks! Yep...<spoiler alert>... yet another cliffhanger. But I've got a wrap up that's not a cop out. (Well, YMMV on the cop-out verdict. Nothing worse than any of the series finales were...). If #60 is redux, I'll choose freestyle and wrap the "Lost" arc up. (And try to cut out the "Lost" references as well for future LC's...or at least reduce them. Or not. No promises.:D)

    @ryan218: A deal is a deal...review mine and I'll review yours...

    (I too feel blah when I only get a couple of "attaboy" posts, which seems par for the course for the last few. I'm afraid that I might have offended some others with my own reviews and they now say, meh...forget him. (I do apologize if this is the case with anyone...my intentions with my posts is to generate a bit of discussion, maybe get a laugh or two, but text doesn't always convey the tone one truly intends. If I've ticked anyone off, PM me and I'll try my best to convey what I *really* meant to say!:) )
  • worffan101worffan101 Member Posts: 9,518 Arc User
    edited February 2014
    If # 60 is redux...I think I'll send "Do'eth" and Three through the gateway together. But there were a few other prompts that I really liked. We'll see.

    If Smirk gives us one from the community thread...well, awesome! We've come up with QUITE a few good ideas.

    EDIT: Smirk says that "the next challenge" will be from the community thread. But that could mean either 60 or 61--does he mean the next regular challenge or the next numerical challenge?

    Also, LC 38 looks just plain awesome. I have this brilliant picture of Three crashing her starship on the Statue of Liberty...
  • ryan218ryan218 Member Posts: 36,106 Arc User
    edited February 2014
    masopw wrote: »
    @aten66: thanks! Yep...<spoiler alert>... yet another cliffhanger. But I've got a wrap up that's not a cop out. (Well, YMMV on the cop-out verdict. Nothing worse than any of the series finales were...). If #60 is redux, I'll choose freestyle and wrap the "Lost" arc up. (And try to cut out the "Lost" references as well for future LC's...or at least reduce them. Or not. No promises.:D)

    @ryan218: A deal is a deal...review mine and I'll review yours...

    (I too feel blah when I only get a couple of "attaboy" posts, which seems par for the course for the last few. I'm afraid that I might have offended some others with my own reviews and they now say, meh...forget him. (I do apologize if this is the case with anyone...my intentions with my posts is to generate a bit of discussion, maybe get a laugh or two, but text doesn't always convey the tone one truly intends. If I've ticked anyone off, PM me and I'll try my best to convey what I *really* meant to say!:) )

    Well, I have to say, the cliffhanger definitely left me wanting for more. ;)

    I, personally, enjoyed the intrigue and mystery. However, I kinda felt the Spitfire Captain was overstating the stakes slightly.

    I also noticed that the Bajoran Captain was stated to have lost family in the Dominion invasion, but, Bajor was never invaded on the show (unless you mean the Cardassian Occupation). Bajor had a non-aggression pact with the Dominion.

    However, other than that, I honestly did enjoy the entry.
  • squatsaucesquatsauce Member Posts: 0 Arc User
    edited February 2014
    Alright. I read the rest.

    worffan101: It's different. Not my style, I think. I wouldn't call it bad, because it isn't, but it wasn't my cup of tea is all. At least now I know who Three is! :D That's worth something. Who knows? Maybe the character will grow on me.

    Ryan218: I think i said what I needed to. Your writing style's fine, I just think the narrative wandered away from the subject is all. I'd like to see more of what you write.

    masopw: I really liked your story so far. I'm looking forward to seeing how you resolve the plot. The capture of Sment made me smile. You've set up something interesting, here. Now you gotta finish it. Seriously.

    marcusdkane: I've been reading your stuff for a while now. This particular entry feels a bit rushed, though. Not quite as good as is typical for ya. I'd love to see it expanded out a bit, though. This sort of narrative relies on the tension derived from the character's psychological sparring. Only T'Reya's side of the conflict is at all interesting, though. Delian's side of the conflict could use some expounding upon. Making him a more interesting antagonist would help a lot.
  • shevetshevet Member Posts: 1,667 Arc User
    edited February 2014
    I have some ideas on this one, it's just finding the time to expand... and to fit something in. I seem to have developed some sort of internal continuity. Alarming.

    @squatsauce: nice to see Khas back in action - is he mellowing as he grows older? :D
    8b6YIel.png?1
  • squatsaucesquatsauce Member Posts: 0 Arc User
    edited February 2014
    shevet wrote: »
    @squatsauce: nice to see Khas back in action - is he mellowing as he grows older? :D

    Indeed! He's still pretty much terrible, but he doesn't need to work so hard to filter it anymore. He's settled into a role he likes (in so much as he can like anything), doing a job he finds fulfilling. Plus, he has relatively normal subordinates now, which leaves him less stressed out.

    Truely, Khas is one happy Arkathian.
  • masopwmasopw Member Posts: 157 Arc User
    edited February 2014
    ryan218 wrote: »
    Well, I have to say, the cliffhanger definitely left me wanting for more. ;)

    I, personally, enjoyed the intrigue and mystery. However, I kinda felt the Spitfire Captain was overstating the stakes slightly.

    I also noticed that the Bajoran Captain was stated to have lost family in the Dominion invasion, but, Bajor was never invaded on the show (unless you mean the Cardassian Occupation). Bajor had a non-aggression pact with the Dominion.

    However, other than that, I honestly did enjoy the entry.

    Thanks! Last cliffhanger for a bit. Next LC will either be a flashback, a bottle show, a clip show, or wrap the whole mess up.

    Or maybe I'll dream up something new, and leave the cliff hanging for a dozen or so LC's.:D

    Counterpoints: I checked, and did state that the Bajoran and Betazoid lost family in their respective invasions...so...phew,,,no retconn! Ah...never stated *who* the voice was....the Captain, or XO? A lot could have happened in three years of doing evil deeds. As for overstating the stakes, I'll claim a mix of arrogance at being asked to surrender, surprise about revelations that her sponsors weren't as clever as she hoped, and desperation at a Vulcan who wasn't acting in the manner her files said he would.

    Now...my part of the deal...

    I enjoyed your tale...good character details and history, and I always appreciate a story where each person in command isn't a V/Adm. I love broken characters who somehow find the strength to overcome challenges, or acknowledge their weakness and have others help them overcome said challenges. So I'm a fan of your stuff! if I gotta pick nits, a needle in a haystack search should be harder than, " this ship, this time frame, medical records, Vorta." With that much info, you're burning the haystack and going over the ashes with a magnet! And in lieu of the log entries, I think I'd prefer the details of the interrogation and confession.
  • squatsaucesquatsauce Member Posts: 0 Arc User
    edited February 2014
    In Memorium's been updated to deal with apparent plot holes, to correct spelling and grammar, and to improve the readibility of some of the chunkier sections.
  • masopwmasopw Member Posts: 157 Arc User
    edited February 2014
    squatsauce wrote: »
    Alright. I read the rest.

    masopw: I really liked your story so far. I'm looking forward to seeing how you resolve the plot. The capture of Sment made me smile. You've set up something interesting, here. Now you gotta finish it. Seriously.
    .

    Thanks! Question..."seriously" as in, "Dude, I like it and want to see how it ends", or as in, "Dude, drop the Volon who lives at the Dharma Institute question wrapped in a question with no freakin answer stuff?" ;)

    I liked your tale: lives viewed as commodities is a unique take on the cost of war.And I love your definition of "quirky"! Excellent writing style...I'm a fan. Got any earlier LC's I can add to my "gotta read these" pile? (Attempts at searching these forums is giving me the "turn around cadet" error page and I've run out of patience for the day...)
  • masopwmasopw Member Posts: 157 Arc User
    edited February 2014
    @worffan101: upped the genre-savvy factor on this one, eh? I liked that Three finally got cut down a notch. But you might be pushing Adm. Janeway's buttons a bit too much...at some point she's gonna say, "I put up with Seven's attitude, but Three takes the cake, and I'm getting too old to put up with this..."

    @marcusdkane: Warning noted...it's not something you'd see on any big or small screen Trek. (Unless HBO takes a crack at a series.) Question...if a Vorta has the memories of the prior clone, would it might not be an innocent victim if it replays the memory of the crime over and over in its mind and takes pleasure in it?

    OT...on the subject of "you're not gonna see *that* on TV...AMC, if you don't get your censors to approve more than one f-bomb per season, "The Walking Dead" will never get to Negan. Just sayin'.
  • timeladykatietimeladykatie Member Posts: 86 Arc User
    edited February 2014
    I really like this prompt. Not sure if I want to use the 'canon' STO version of my ship or just make this an entry into Reprise, my fic, and knock two birds out with one stone?
    Vice Admiral Meria Farron
    USS Stradivarius
    NX-163292

    Author of Reprise
  • worffan101worffan101 Member Posts: 9,518 Arc User
    edited February 2014
    masopw wrote: »
    @worffan101: upped the genre-savvy factor on this one, eh? I liked that Three finally got cut down a notch. But you might be pushing Adm. Janeway's buttons a bit too much...at some point she's gonna say, "I put up with Seven's attitude, but Three takes the cake, and I'm getting too old to put up with this..."

    I've pretty well established that Three has a rocky relationship with Command. Admiral Quinn has her under Contract, and so she obeys his orders to the letter, but Admiral T'nae outright hates her guts, and Admiral Janeway...

    Well, Three told the admirals in a staff meeting about Star Trek, and said that Janeway's series was the worst-written of all of them, which Janeway found deeply insulting for reasons she didn't really understand. Then there was the Hifahr incident, where Three ordered the thalaron bombing of a civilian population because she didn't want to risk her crew when cleaning up a salt vampire infestation.

    Three and Janeway don't hate each other, per se, but they are definitely not each others' favorite people.
  • gulberatgulberat Member Posts: 5,505 Arc User
    edited February 2014
    My idea for last week was intended to be a Section 31 after-action report on the Devidian incursion and subsequent attack on the Chin'toka, but that ended up turning into something WAY outside the scope of the LC. It has now been posted as "The Other Side of the Valley"...and...let's just say hat while someone is clearly concerned about infosec, it's not S31 telling the story anymore.

    Also, if I can get it written in time, I may be fielding an entry for this one as well. I have a character really wanting to get his day in the sun, in addition to some other potentially cool stuff planned for Thraz and Alyosha. This may also be an opportunity to get some adjustments made that I have needed to for a long time...

    Christian Gaming Community Fleets--Faith, Fun, and Fellowship! See the website and PM for more. :-)
    Proudly F2P.  Signature image by gulberat. Avatar image by balsavor.deviantart.com.
  • grylakgrylak Member Posts: 1,594 Arc User
    edited February 2014
    Having a slow day, so got mine up. Went a bit further than expected, but I'm glad how much my imagination was sparked with this one. And was able to help me fill in a gap that's been sat around with one of my guys from the Sentinel. Prizes for spotting who.


    Claire Dotson is played by Denise Richards.
    Bob Juffra was a Boff, so didn't really think of someone for him. Perhaps a young Alan Rickman? Should have thought of that before I wrote it, but eh.
    *******************************************

    A Romulan Strike Team, Missing Farmers and an ancient base on a Klingon Border world. But what connects them? Find out in my First Foundary mission: 'The Jeroan Farmer Escapade'
  • ryan218ryan218 Member Posts: 36,106 Arc User
    edited February 2014
    @Grylak

    Possibly one of the best pieces I've read in a literary challenge! The feels!

    But, did you, really, honestly, have to leave it on a cliffhanger? ;)
  • marcusdkanemarcusdkane Member Posts: 7,439 Arc User
    edited February 2014
    @worffan101: As always, tightly written, and enjoyable, and as mentioned by others, nice to see Three on the back foot and vulnerable :cool:

    @ryan218: As mentioned by others, a very TNG feel to this entry, and some nice introspection :cool:

    @masopw: Really liked Sotek's plan to capture the Ferengi, and the screams for moogie were a nice touch :cool:

    @squat sauce: Nice to see Khas back in the game, he seems to be less irascible than before, but still very much Khas :cool:

    @grylak: Thoroughly enjoyable, and a very gripping read ^_^
  • grylakgrylak Member Posts: 1,594 Arc User
    edited February 2014
    Thank you very much. Honestly, I was thinking of weither to have that last part in at all, but decided the story needed it for completion. It's like a DS9 season finale. Not exactly a cliffhanger, more an open ending that will provide plenty of opportunities for more stuff in the future.


    @Marcusdkane. I see the help has only just begun for the guy. I do like T'Reya's closing remarks.

    Ryan218, you'rs is the next one I read. Promise.
    *******************************************

    A Romulan Strike Team, Missing Farmers and an ancient base on a Klingon Border world. But what connects them? Find out in my First Foundary mission: 'The Jeroan Farmer Escapade'
  • marcusdkanemarcusdkane Member Posts: 7,439 Arc User
    edited February 2014
    squatsauce wrote: »
    I've been reading your stuff for a while now. This particular entry feels a bit rushed, though. Not quite as good as is typical for ya. I'd love to see it expanded out a bit, though. This sort of narrative relies on the tension derived from the character's psychological sparring. Only T'Reya's side of the conflict is at all interesting, though. Delian's side of the conflict could use some expounding upon. Making him a more interesting antagonist would help a lot.

    I can understand why it may seem rushed, when I sat down to write, my previous inspiration for the Betazoid equivalent of the Jedi Order was gone, and I didn't feel inclined to write a full story, just to get to the meat and potatoes of the story which was the interview... My main idea, was that despite being the interrogator, T'Reya would become the interrogated, thus revealing details from her earlier life on Vulcan (but in such a way as Claire would not be aware of what T'Reya had done...) Mostly I just wanted to show Delian as one sick TRIBBLE who was playing mind games with everyone (as the occupation of Betazed would likely have been nothing compared to the occupation of Bajor by the Cardassians...)
  • marcusdkanemarcusdkane Member Posts: 7,439 Arc User
    edited February 2014
    masopw wrote: »
    Warning noted...it's not something you'd see on any big or small screen Trek. (Unless HBO takes a crack at a series.)

    OT...on the subject of "you're not gonna see *that* on TV...AMC, if you don't get your censors to approve more than one f-bomb per season, "The Walking Dead" will never get to Negan. Just sayin'.

    In the Star Trek Continues episode Lolani, a mind meld pretty much showed the titular character being r**ed by Telarites, and I wanted to show that T'Reya had endured more than Delian could comprehend, and that while she had killed her abusive husband, she did so for a reason, rather than just a warped Betazoid with a grudge. That said, I did not want to show the entire experience she endured, so just kept it as manipulated memories, rather than a plot flashback :)

    masopw wrote: »
    Question...if a Vorta has the memories of the prior clone, would it might not be an innocent victim if it replays the memory of the crime over and over in its mind and takes pleasure in it?
    Pass... In this case, I wanted to use the Vorta cloning to undercut Delian's Grand Revenge to the status of a half-assed hate crime, compared to T'Reya's intentional, but justifiable homicide of Scolak :) The Vorta herself was just a Macguffin to have provoked Delian's wrath :cool:
  • marcusdkanemarcusdkane Member Posts: 7,439 Arc User
    edited February 2014
    grylak wrote: »
    I see the help has only just begun for the guy. I do like T'Reya's closing remarks.

    Maybe a nice padded room at the Tantalus colony, but I don't think there's much that can be done for such a warped individual :D And thanks, I really wanted her to undercut him at the end and make him realise that his act of revenge, was just a random killing...
  • grylakgrylak Member Posts: 1,594 Arc User
    edited February 2014
    Well, TNG had Tashsa Yar reliving memories of being on her colony, running away from R*** Gangs. And she specifically told Geordi they were R*** gangs. So bad stuff like that has been seen in Trek before. And let's not forget the mind TRIBBLE in Nemesis.


    And yes, the next Vorta clone would be innocent. We've seen before that Vorta clones can have their own unique thought patterns. I forget the episode, but one of them has Weyoun 6 offer to defect to Odo, with Weyoun 7 and Damar calling him traitor and wanting him back through the episode. So although they are clones, it has a precidence set where one clone has a completely different mindset than the others, so I must conclude that only the clone who commited that crime can be held accountable, weither he remembers it or not.


    EDIT: Huh. Apparantly, a singular R*** is filtered, but multiple ones are fine. Go figure.
    *******************************************

    A Romulan Strike Team, Missing Farmers and an ancient base on a Klingon Border world. But what connects them? Find out in my First Foundary mission: 'The Jeroan Farmer Escapade'
  • ryan218ryan218 Member Posts: 36,106 Arc User
    edited February 2014
    grylak wrote: »
    Well, TNG had Tashsa Yar reliving memories of being on her colony, running away from R*** Gangs. And she specifically told Geordi they were R*** gangs. So bad stuff like that has been seen in Trek before. And let's not forget the mind TRIBBLE in Nemesis.


    And yes, the next Vorta clone would be innocent. We've seen before that Vorta clones can have their own unique thought patterns. I forget the episode, but one of them has Weyoun 6 offer to defect to Odo, with Weyoun 7 and Damar calling him traitor and wanting him back through the episode. So although they are clones, it has a precidence set where one clone has a completely different mindset than the others, so I must conclude that only the clone who commited that crime can be held accountable, weither he remembers it or not.


    EDIT: Huh. Apparantly, a singular R*** is filtered, but multiple ones are fine. Go figure.

    That... isn't entirely true. It was mentioned in the episode that Weyoun 6 was a defective clone. Weyouns 7 and 8 both had the same personalities as Weyoun 5.
  • marcusdkanemarcusdkane Member Posts: 7,439 Arc User
    edited February 2014
    grylak wrote: »
    Well, TNG had Tashsa Yar reliving memories of being on her colony, running away from R*** Gangs. And she specifically told Geordi they were R*** gangs. So bad stuff like that has been seen in Trek before. And let's not forget the mind TRIBBLE in Nemesis.


    And yes, the next Vorta clone would be innocent. We've seen before that Vorta clones can have their own unique thought patterns. I forget the episode, but one of them has Weyoun 6 offer to defect to Odo, with Weyoun 7 and Damar calling him traitor and wanting him back through the episode. So although they are clones, it has a precidence set where one clone has a completely different mindset than the others, so I must conclude that only the clone who commited that crime can be held accountable, weither he remembers it or not.


    EDIT: Huh. Apparantly, a singular R*** is filtered, but multiple ones are fine. Go figure.

    Absolutely, in this case, it was just a memory of one instance of the abuse she suffered, rather than a full depiction. Equally, I don't think the occupation of Betazed has the same kind of emotional impact as the occupation of Bajor, as the drives of the Jem'Hadar and the Vorta are quite different to those of Cardassians, so I wanted to not only contrast what Delian considered 'suffering', with a true instance of it, but to show that it had not poisoned T'Reya into a hateful person :)
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