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Hi everybody,
I've been reading through the comments on my mission "The Longing"*. Many of you have pointed out, that grammar and spelling are a bit bumpy. The problem is, I'm no native speaker and I did the best I could in order to fix English errors, by copying the whole mission text to Word and doing a grammar and spell check there.
However, Word is not perfect and still many reviewers point me to the dialog. Since I am at a dead end and want to fix the mission, so players may enjoy it without being molested by nasty language glitches, I ask for your help.
You can browse a complete transcript of the mission here. If you have a STOwiki account, please leave corrections on the discussion page, if you don't please leave corrections in this thread. Obviously, I would encourage you to play the mission first, before you spoil yourself by reading the transcript.
Thank you very much and have a nice Christmas,
Rachel
*Thanks a lot for the great reception.
Edit: Just got word from Stormshade, that the mission is among a handful that will be ported to Holodeck. The mission has to be finished on Monday (January 24th), so if you have the time to check it out over the WE, please do so and leave me some comments here regarding any problems you find.
I've been reading through the comments on my mission "The Longing"*. Many of you have pointed out, that grammar and spelling are a bit bumpy. The problem is, I'm no native speaker and I did the best I could in order to fix English errors, by copying the whole mission text to Word and doing a grammar and spell check there.
However, Word is not perfect and still many reviewers point me to the dialog. Since I am at a dead end and want to fix the mission, so players may enjoy it without being molested by nasty language glitches, I ask for your help.
You can browse a complete transcript of the mission here. If you have a STOwiki account, please leave corrections on the discussion page, if you don't please leave corrections in this thread. Obviously, I would encourage you to play the mission first, before you spoil yourself by reading the transcript.
Thank you very much and have a nice Christmas,
Rachel
*Thanks a lot for the great reception.
Edit: Just got word from Stormshade, that the mission is among a handful that will be ported to Holodeck. The mission has to be finished on Monday (January 24th), so if you have the time to check it out over the WE, please do so and leave me some comments here regarding any problems you find.
Post edited by Unknown User on
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I look forward to playing it this weekend.
I don't have a STOwiki account, but I can help you. I'll post the relevant portions here in this thread. So far, I don't really see a whole lot that needs to be changed, just some punctuation marks here and there.
From the beginning:
Sector Space
A Federation colony is caught in the crossfire, when the Borg are coming after a rather unique life form, in their quest for perfection.
Go to the Noro System in the Gamma Orionis Sector Block and defend the New Nagasaki Colony against the Borg.
Correction:
A Federation colony is caught in the crossfire, after the Borg, in their quest for perfection, have set their sights on a unique life form on the planet.
Go to the Noro System, in the Gamma Orionis Sector Block, and defend the New Nagasaki Colony against the Borg.
New Nagasaki, a Federation colony in the Noro System is under siege from a Borg fleet.
We have no idea, why the Collective is engaging the settlement, since it is of no strategic importance and the settlers technology is relatively antiquated. I was certain, that we would have way more time to evacuate the planet.
But now academic discussions won't get us anywhere, will they? The Borg want to assimilate that world and we need to stop them. The U.S.S. Mayflower is already there to assist, but I'd like to add the [ShipName]'s firepower to the colony's defense.
Dismissed!
Correction:
New Nagasaki, a Federation Colony in the Noro System, is under siege from a Borg fleet.
We have no idea why the Collective is engaging the Settlement. It is on no strategic importance, and the settler's technology is relatively antiquated. I was certain we would have more time to evacuate the planet.
But, academic discussions won't get us anywhere, will they? The Borg want to assimilate that world, and we need to stop them. The U.S.S. Mayflower is already there, but, I'd like to add the [ShipName]'s firepower to the colony's defense.
Dismissed!
The U.S.S. Mayflower is in orbit of the planet and has engaged the Borg. She has taken quite a beating, but I am reading no Borg life signs on the surface yet.
Correction:
The U.S.S. Mayflower is in orbit of the planet, and has engaged the Borg. She has taken quite a beating, but I'm not reading any Borg life signs on the surface, yet.
If we are lucky we can make it to the Transwarp Gate on our own without a tug, but we are in no shape to confront the Borg anytime soon.
Correction:
If we are lucky, we can make it to the Transwarp Gate on our own, without a tow. We are in no shape to confront the Borg anytime soon.
But there is something else. My science officer has picked up a pretty strong life sign from down there. It looks like a silicon based organism. If we can read it, so can the Borg.
This must be an irresistible target for assimilation. Silicon based life is not you every days breakfast, even if you rule half the galaxy.
Correction:
But there is something else. My science officer has picked up a strong life sign down there. It appears to be a silicon-based organism. If we can read it, so can the Borg.
This must be an irresistible target for assimilation. Silicon-based life is not an everyday occurrence, even if you rule half the galaxy.
This is very peculiar, since two science expeditions cleared this world for colonization before the settlers arrived. But we have nothing like this on record.
We should beam down and prepare these people for evacuation. When the Borg come back to assimilate this life form, the settlers will be in their way.
When there is time to spare we should also try to learn more about these beings. If prior expeditions did not find them, they could be some kind of alien invaders.
Correction:
This is very peculiar. Two science expeditions cleared this world before the colonists arrived. There is nothing like this life-form in the Federation database.
We should beam down, and prepare these people for evacuation. When the Borg come to assimilate this life-form, the colonists will be in their way.
If there is time, we should try to learn more about these beings. Since prior expeditions didn't find them, they could be some kind of invaders.
We are Federation citizens, and as head of New Nagasaki's government I tell you to help us defend this world against the Borg. If you can't do that, take your pretty starship and leave us alone.
Correction:
We are Federation citizens, and, as head of New Nagasaki's government, I order you to help us defend this colony. If you can't do that, take your pretty starship, and leave us alone.
But we can't protect the colony either. Sooner or later we may suffer the same fate as the Mayflower or even worse.
Correction:
But, we can't protect the colony, either. Sooner or later, we may suffer the same fate as the Mayflower, or worse.
Our best shot would be to hide the creatures behind a subspace-fold. It's not as elaborated as a real cloaking device, but we could use some of the colony's hardware to do it.
Correction:
Our best shot would be to hide the creatures behind a subspace fold. It's not as elaborate as a real cloaking device, but we could use some of the colony's hardware to do it.
Otherwise we would not have been allowed to colonize this world.
Correction:
Otherwise, we would not have been allowed to colonize this world.
Hunting these creatures down? They have a right to live here as anyone else does.
* Button: I suggest, we try to mask their life signs.
Correction:
Hunt these creatures down? They have a right to live here as much as anyone else does.
*Button: I suggest we try to mask their life signs.
Mayor McGruph told me, you needed some parts from of our systems to construct something?
Correction:
Mayor McGruph told me you need some parts from our ship to construct something?
Until then we will have to deal with the forces of nature as they occur.
Correction:
Until then, we will have to deal with the forces of nature as they occur.
Reached the origin of Tricorder reading
Correction:
Reach the origin of the tricorder reading.
I'm picking up silicon based life readings from everywhere now.
Correction:
I'm picking up Silicon-based life signs all around us, now.
One of the silicon based life signs has just disappeared
Correction:
One of the Silicon-based life signs has just disappeared.
I was fortunate, that an ion storm hit the system a month after the Borg incursion into Gamma Orionis.
It was easy to convince them, the weather control system had been destroyed by the storm. So I could use its parts to fabricate bait for the Borg.
Correction:
I was fortunate that an ion storm hit the system a month after the Borg incursion into Gamma Orionis.
It was easy to convice them that the weather control system had been destroyed by the storm. That way, I could use the parts to fabricate bait for the Borg.
I don't know, what to say, [Rank]. I knew, Gilligan had lost his wife to the Borg, when he left El-Auria, but I never realized how desperate he was.
Correction:
I don't know what to say, [Rank]. I knew Gilligan had lost his wife to the Borg, when he left El-Auria, but I never realized how desperate he was.
Sir, we have a problem at our hands.
Correction:
Sir, we have a problem on our hands.
Only with the Away Team's fire power and experience we stand a chance to save the ship.
The Borg have managed to penetrate our shield and are sending in boarding parties.
Correction:
Only with the away team's firepower, and experience, do we stand a chance of saving the ship.
The Borg have managed to penetrate our shields, and are sending over boarding parties.
I do not know how long we can hold the Bridge!
Correction:
I don't know how long we can hold the Bridge!
I managed to setup a disruption field to prevent further boarding parties to beam in on us, but there are alredy to many of them for us to handle.
Quick sir, use Tactical to lock on all Borg on board and beam them from the [ShipName].
Correction:
I managed to set up a disruption field to prevent further boarding parties, but there already too many of them for us to handle.
Quick Sir, use the tactical station to beam all the Borg from the [ShipName].
The Borg have abducted him and are now coming for the other colonists.
Correction:
The Borg have abducted him, and are coming for the other colonists.
So he got what he wanted after all.
Correction:
He got what he wanted, after all.
He wanted to join the Collective so badly; he would have rather died than to be separated from his wife again.
Correction:
He wanted to join the Collective so badly, he would have rather died, than to be separated from his wife, again.
By the way, I played your mission, shortly after you published it. And, I loved it, even with the grammar and spelling errors.
The only reason I pointed out the above errors, was because you asked. That shows me that you really want to give the STO community a quality product, and I applaud you!
I disagree with the correction. I don't think silicon-based life needs to be capitalised, because it isn't a name, it's just a regular noun that is describing life which is based on silicon.
Thank you so much! I'll try to put these in as soon as I can. Right now, I'm stuck in a big pile of snow without access to STO.
Merry Christmas to all of you,
Rachel
Yeah, I guess that one could go either way. As you say, it is a descriptive noun.
It was my pleasure. Anything I can do to help a fellow foundry author to produce a quality product.
I'm just in the process of publishing the updated mission. I have not copied your corrections blindly, so there are some small deviations. Specifically I didn't want to truncate some of the dialog, since I believe it would slightly shift the meaning of it.
Again, thanks a lot for this invaluble help. I'm in the process of writing my diploma thesis, so I have a rough idea of what proofreading may cost you. That this community is giving such help freely is a great testimony.
So again, best regards and happy christmas. If any of you feel that I messed something up, please note it here or there.
Rachel
Hey
My mission was also on Stoked
Anyways loved your mission , i tried asking here for feedback but got the forum police on my back for making a post for this sort of thing lol.
Ill try to find time to play through yours again soon ok.
Amazing help
Happy Xmas All!
They ran a mini competetion thing and chose there favourite 3 missions.
Result is after xmas.
Sure thing. I should have a few days next week.
stoked@jupiterbroadcasting.com
I could not get past the ambient critter group on the planet, since one of them was friendly. So I could not kill the Selaths (or whatever) and the mission did not progress.
Regards,
Rachel
I'm not sure, I know what you are asking. If you want the guys to feature your mission, write them an email and kindly ask them to consider it.
No guarantees there. I occasionally mail them stuff (news bits, video links, wiki articles...), not everything makes an appearance on the show. I think it is a testimony, that they do not broadcast or discuss just about anything they are fed by the community, because that means they are most likely not going to repeat everything that they are fed by Cryptic.
The same is true for Brandon and Mark at Priority One. They also make a really great show. They have a dedicated show segment on UGC mission, so maybe your chances are even better with them. Again, no guarantees.
Regards,
Rachel
No, I copied and pasted each and every text box from my mission to a separate Wiki page on my user namespace at STOWiki and did the formatting myself.
Regards,
Rachel
Hi. I decided to post these in your thread rather than on the wiki. This seemed simpler to me, though once I learn more about how to use the wiki, I might see I was in error. I hope this format is as useful to you.
I also see that a lot of my edits are the same as made by davejl_99. I've highlighted in red where I made changes. Where I deleted something, I noted that inside brackets with a "del:".
Finally, I wanted to offer a couple of general observations. First, just like me and a lot of other people, you tend to overuse commas. I find myself constantly cutting them from my prose. Not sure why their so appealing.
I also noticed a lot of nouns that didn't need to be capitalized--a big difference I know between English and German (and maybe some other languages). Terms like "main engineering" or "bridge" wouldn't generally be capitalized in the former.
You also don't use many contractions. You might consider using more to make the dialogue seem a little more natural (though that would depend on the character). Their rarity does make the few contractions you use stand out.
Anyway, here are some more specific suggestions:
A Federation colony is caught in the crossfire, when, in their quest for perfection, the Borg come after a rather unique life form on the planet.
Go to the Noro System, in the Gamma Orionis Sector Block, and defend the New Nagasaki Colony against the Borg.
- - - - -
New Nagasaki, a Federation colony in the Noro System, is under siege from a Borg fleet.
We have no idea why the Collective is engaging the settlement, since it is of no strategic importance, and the settlers technology is relatively antiquated. I was certain we would have much more time to evacuate the planet.
But, academic discussions won't get us anywhere, will they? The Borg want to assimilate that world, and we need to stop them. The U.S.S. Mayflower is already there to assist, but, I'd like to add the [ShipName]'s firepower to the colony's defense.
Dismissed!
- - - - -
We are receiving an emergency signal from the U.S.S. Mayflower, [Rank].
· Button: Begin: The Longing
[Rank], we are in sensor range of the colony.
· Button: Tactical report
The U.S.S. Mayflower is in orbit around the planet, and has engaged the Borg. She has taken quite a beating, but I'm not reading any Borg life signs on the surface, yet. Looks like Captain Petrelli has held her ground.
Sir, I am receiving a distress call from the Mayflower.
· Button: On screen
This is Captain Lucia Petrelli of the Federation starship Mayflower to all allied ships in range.
We have engaged the Borg at New Nagasaki and have taken substantial damage. We are in need of assistance. Do you copy?
· Button: Acknowledged
That was the last of them. Good work, [Rank] [LastName].
· Button: Damage report
Two of our fusion reactors were damaged during the last attack and the structural integrity field is badly compromised. We have to reduce defensive systems to 40% power or we will blow [del: up] what is left of our EPS grid.
If we are lucky, we can make it to the transwarp gate on our own [del: ,] without a tow, but we are in no shape to confront the Borg again anytime soon.
· Button: Why are the Borg attacking the system?
Well, there should be no reason for the Borg to come after the settlers.
But there is something else. My science officer has picked up a strong life sign down there. It appears to be a silicon-based organism. If we can read it, so can the Borg.
This must be an irresistible target for assimilation. Silicon-based life is not an everyday occurance [alternatively: You don't run into silicon-based life everyday,], even if you rule half the galaxy.
· Button: Acknowledged
Our sensors pick it up too, [Rank]. We should enter orbit to get a better reading.
· Button: Close
Sir, we have entered orbit.
Several of the creatures seem to be lurking at the periphery of the colony.
This is very peculiar. Two science expeditions cleared this world for colonization before the settlers arrived. But we have nothing like this on record.
We should beam down, and prepare these people for evacuation. When the Borg come to assimilate this life-form, the colonists will be in their way.
When there is time, we should try to learn more about these beings. Since prior expeditions didn't find them, they could be some kind of invaders.
· Button: Beam down
We should try to find the mayor of the colony, Sir. He can prepare his people for transport.
· Button: Continue
[Rank], finally Starfleet decided to give us a helping hand. If the colony is to be defended against the Borg, we need some modern weaponry.
· Button: Mayor, I'm afraid you underestimate the Borg.
Nonsense.
Our technology is almost fifty years old now. I just need a little more 25th century firepower to teach these Borg [del: a lesson (generally you teach people a lesson or you teach them to X)] to leave my people alone.
· Button: We are here to evacuate the planet.
Listen to me very carefully, because I will say this only once: We will not abandon our houses, our farms, our home.
You Starfleet types may think wandering among the stars in a tin can is a decent way of life, but we do not.
We are Federation citizens, and, as head of New Nagasaki's government, I order you to help us defend this world against the Borg. If you can't do that, take your pretty [maybe fancy?] starship, and leave us alone.
· Button: Continue
I am afraid we cannot force these people to leave the planet against their wishes, [Rank].
But, we can't protect the colony, either. Sooner or later, we may suffer the same fate as the Mayflower, or worse.
· Button: Opinions?
[Rank], we could try to mask the alien life signs, so the Borg might lose interest. But it's a very risky procedure, because we do not know what we are dealing with.
Our best shot would be to hide the creatures behind a subspace fold. It's not as elaborate as a real cloaking device, but we could use some of the colony's hardware to do it.
The old phase discriminators in the settlement's environmental controls could be modified to provide a decent sensor shield.
· Button: Acknowledged
Have you reconsidered your position, [Rank]?
· Button: The Borg are after a silicon-based life form.
What? Didn't you read the expedition reports?
This rock is as ordinary as it gets. Some plants, insects and micro-organisms. Otherwise, we would not have been allowed to colonize this world.
· Button: The life readings are clear, Mayor.
Suppose, you are correct, [Rank], what would you have us do?
Hunt these creatures down? They have a right to live here as much as anyone else does.
· Button: I suggest we try to mask their life signs.
Maybe we speak the same language after all. Alright then, lets try it your way.
Talk to Gilligan. He is our chief technician. Use whatever hardware you need to build your sensor shield.
· Button: Close
Yes, [Rank], what can I do for you?
Mayor McGruph told me you need some parts from our systems to construct something?
· Button: We need some phase discriminators.
I'm... I'm sorry, but the phase discriminators in the environmental control system were blown during the ion storm last autumn. We do not have any spare parts left.
I have contacted Battle Group Omega to send us some replacement. Until then, we will have to deal with the forces of nature as they occur. I hope the colony will not experience any floods or heavy storms.
But I think it will not matter anyway, when the Borg come, this colony will become a footnote in history.
· Button: Suggestions?
My tricorder is picking up a slight subspace displacement to the west. I think there must be some sort of phase discrimination device in close proximity to these silicon creatures.
· Button: Close
This is a piece of the environmental control system.
My tricorder is going crazy. I'm picking up silicon-based life signs all around us, now.
· Button: Continue
One of the silicon-based life signs has just disappeared. The phase discriminator in this unit must have been modified to project a fake signature.
But why would someone create sensor ghosts like that? We should go after the other life signs as well. I believe we will find the other parts of the environmental control system.
· Button: Continue
Sir, I'm convinced these receivers were intentionally set up to lure the Borg to the colony.
We should confront Gilligan about this.
· Button: Return to colony
You fool! Look what you have done!
You shut down the discriminators. Do you know, how long I have been waiting for this opportunity?
· Button: Continue
Can you imagine the pain I went through to get those discriminators? I was fortunate that an ion storm hit the system a month after the Borg incursion into Gamma Orionis.
The colonists don't know the difference between a plasma torch and a self-sealing stem bolt. It was easy to convice them that the weather control system had been destroyed by the storm. That way, I could use the parts to fabricate bait for the Borg.
· Button: Why did you put the colony at risk?
I am old, [Rank], much older than you can imagine. I once had a wife, too. Her name was Astani. We lived a happy life for more than a century.
Then the Borg came and swept through El-Auria. They took her. They took everything I ever cared about.
I was so close to be assimilated, so close to be reunited with her. But you ruined it all, and I have lost her again.
· Button: Continue
Sir, we must inform McGruph. Gilligan has put the whole colony at risk and is responsible for the Borg attack.
· Button: Close
I don't know what to say, [Rank]. I knew Gilligan had lost his wife to the Borg [del: ,] when he left El-Auria, but I never realized how desperate he was.
Thank you, [Rank], we will take care of him.
· Button: Answer incoming hail
Sir, we have a problem on our hands. Several Borg ships have entered the system. We need you back up here, [Rank].
· Button: Emergency transport
[Rank] [LastName], we had to reroute your transporter signal to a location near main engineering. Only with the away team's firepower [del: ,] and experience [del: ,] do we stand a chance of saving the ship.
The Borg have managed to penetrate our shield [del: ,] and are sending over boarding parties. We need to defeat them [del: ,] before they can gain control of main engineering.
· Button: Continue
Sir, this is Lt. Geltan, Bridge Duty Officer.
We need help up here on the double. Security is busy putting out fires elsewhere. I don't know how long we can hold the bridge!
Head up the ramp and take a turbolift to the main bridge.
· Button: Continue
Ready when you are!
· Button: Take turbolift to bridge
Sir, the Borg are everywhere!
I managed to set up a disruption field to prevent the transport of further boarding parties, but there are alredy too many of them for us to handle.
Quick Sir, use tactical to beam all the Borg from the [ShipName].
Use the tactical station behind the captain's chair to transport the Borg from your ship.
· Button: Acknowledged
Thank you, sir.
[Rank] [LastName], the bridge is yours. I am ready to be relieved.
· Button: I relieve you, Lieutenant.
[ShipName], do you read? Gilligan found a way to reactivate one of the phase discriminators. He projected a fake silicon reading onto himself.
The Borg have abducted him, and are now coming for the other colonists.
I was a fool. Our weapons are useless. We are prepared to abandon the colony. Please help us!
Beam up the colonists.
· Button: Acknowledged
We have a transporter lock on the colonists.
· Button: Energize
We got them, sir! Only Gilligan is missing. He must be on one of the Borg ships. The Collective will [del: want to (I'm suggesting this because you use "wanted" in the next sentence and it may read a little better without the repetition)] assimilate him. So he got what he wanted, after all.
Incoming Borg forces! We cannot engage warp drive in close orbit. We need to fight our way out of this!
Engage the Borg.
· Button: Battle stations
We are being hailed by the Borg ship ahead.
· Button: On screen
I am Hastatus of Borg.
· Button: This is...
You are [Rank] [FirstName] [LastName], of the Federation starship [ShipFullName], registry number [ShipRegistry].
Lower your shields and prepare to be assimilated. If you do not comply, we will destroy you.
· Button: Gillian, can you hear me?
The individual known as Chief Benatan Gillian is one with the Borg.
Astani [I went with your first usage here--alternatively, you could change above to "Astana" and leave this one as is]is one with the Borg. We are one.
Do not resist us!
· Button: Close channel
Sir, there was nothing we could do to save him. He wanted to join the Collective so badly; he would have rather died [del: ,] than to be separated from his wife [del: ,] again.
More Borg ships are on their way here. I suggest we leave now.
Warp to Sector Space.
· Button: Close
Thank you guys so very much. I'm in the process of publishing the changes. The mission has been selected to be ported to Holodeck on Monday, so if you have any time over the weekend, please go through the mission again and check, if I have missed some thing important.
So, thanks again, and best regards,
Rachel
Hmm, maybe I was just in the process of publishing it. If you cannot find it via search, just scroll down the list of top rated missons. It's at 4.5 stars
Regards,
Rachel
Also another top mentioned mission was missing too. celes snare.
Sounds like a mission in and of itself lol...