Winter Wonderland: Freezistance is Futile

hawku001x

Just wanted to do a compilation of my holiday themed entries from the Literary and Unofficial Literary Challenges throughout the years. Thinking I may add more if I find any time to write this month. Enjoy!

Index:

• Literary Challenge #69 - Winter Wonderland Celebrations (I)
  Captains Seifer, Menchez and Aeris are transported to Qu's Winter Wonderland, a knock-off of a similar event run by Q Junior.
  
  
• Unofficial Literary Challenge #17: Winter Wonderland Celebrations (II)
  Captains McCary and Samya discover Gingerbread men infected with the Calibus VII virus.
  
  
• Unofficial Literary Challenge #42: Face the Kramp'Ihri
  Captain Elektra meets the Kramp'Ihri in Q's Winter Wonderland.
  

hawku001x

Literary Challenge #69 - Winter Wonderland Celebrations (I)

Captain Aeris entered Sickbay aboard the Sovereign-class starship U.S.S. Zephyra. On the biobeds lied two groggy, grey-skinned males, Seifer and Menchez, just barely recovering from the undead-like infection of late-type events.

"Ugggh. My head feels like ten Vaadwaur ambushes---" the nearly unrecognizable Seifer groaned. "So, a normal day."

Menchez tried sitting up but failed in his attempts. "My mighty Klingon ridges— feel like Ferengi ear cartilage, jammed together to form some kind of money hungry forehead."

"Nice one," Seifer remarked as he and Menchez attempted to high-five, only to be defeated by the pain in their arms. "Ugh!"

Aeris looked at them. "So, you're alive, huh? Damn that Captain's prerogative which makes us all immune to death somehow."

"Not— for long," Seifer ached in his continued speech. "I have to— reverse the 'reset' through calculations of time warp!"

Menchez shook his head, subtly. "And I must— purchase some— life insurance."

"Well, you can forget all those things, because you're both going to be stuck in bed for months thanks to your foolish handling of ex-Commander Avery, and the complete mess of carnage aboard both your ships," Aeris re-assured, disappointingly.

Seifer gasped in shock. "Oh no! That means we're going to miss Q's Winter Wonderland??"

"He's like the Kes of the Alpha and Beta Quadrants, sending us 9.5 thousand light years closer to happiness," Menchez stated.

Seifer nodded in understanding, and then stopped in realization. "Too bad she's dead now?"

"Au contraire, mon Cap-i-tans!" Suddenly, Qu appeared, perched like a bird over an unconscious Ensign Dan on a surgical bed near them.

Menchez's eyes widened, "That's what Q's say??"

"No, it's Qu. I'm a different guy. Also, it sounds the same, but it's spelled differently."

Menchez turned to Seifer. "Qu had a go at serving me a dose of hard-reality not too long ago. As it turns out, we're all constantly re-spawning in our battles in both space and ground, thanks to a cosmic string which is also responsible for wiping our memories of it."

"Wait, Qu, are you saying that that specific Ocampan is still alive?" Seifer asked, instinctively dismissing the other thing.

Qu looked at him confused, "What? Oh. No. She's a goner, for sure. Died of constantly merging her life energies with things. —No, 'au contraire', is just a Q way of saying hello. We inherently contradict all creatures, and prefer to warn everyone through our greetings. The real reason I am here is because I've decided I'd like to send you all into a winter wonderland of forced joy and delight!"

To that, he snapped his fingers and all three of them flashed away.

---

They all re-appeared in a snow-filled paradise of questionable elation. Aeris suddenly noticed that both Seifer and Menchez were now standing, their pigments returned, and they both appeared to be in full health.

"Uh, Qu, why the hell did you do that before we could react? We need to react to things, you know," Seifer insisted.

Qu furrowed his divine brow. "You mortals take too long for things!"

"By the curly hair of Admiral Kirk! You're not bed-strapped or Takaran-looking anymore??" Aeris' mouth was already dropped at the sight of the two other Captains.

Qu continued. "Indeed. It was my judgment that you would all need to be capable for winter forced-liveliness. Here's the catch. All three of you Captains, or 'toons', if you will, desire something specific." He then turned to each of them, sequentially. "Seifer, you want to murder the rest of your crew in the noble cause of rejecting something you call 'resets'. Menchez, you desire reassurance of life and to install cushions in all the duranium beds on your ship. And, Aeris, as the new one, you just want these two Captains back aboard their similarly T5U, or T6-wannabe, vessels."

"It's really more about the stench," Aeris confirmed. "Also, the skin debris coming off you guys. You're both worse than flaking-Odo as a Vidiian."

Qu opened his arms. "In the spirit of the season, who so-ever wins these winter games will get what they want! More proof of my greatness; the action of such which also serves to confirm said claim."

"Except why is some of this snow melting? And why is that gingerbread man attacking and eating that other gingerbread man?" Seifer asked, pointing.

They all looked over to see a blue gingerbread man eating the remains of his most recent conquest. "Hahaha!! Let's see you try council-membering me now!" his amazingly perfect high-pitched voice exclaimed in victory before he started running off to his next victim.

"Never mind that. --Begin, like the grindfest rodents you are!" Qu snapped and disappeared.

---

Walking along the now seemingly half-efforted Winter Wonderland, the three Captain's came upon an ice shelved section with a gate attached to its edge. They approached a Breen who was more than impartial to address them.

"The race happens 15 minutes after the hour, then again 22 minutes after the hour, and at 45 and 52 minutes after the hour," he instructed.

Seifer tapped his foot. "Uh, it's 45 after; so, what's the hold up?"

"I think I read somewhere that the 45 minute mark is hit and miss," Menchez offered. "Perhaps a reminder we should all get out and find girlfriends."

Suddenly, the Breen started talking again: "Make sure you're standing on the starting platform - the wooden area - while the countdown to the race happens."

"Well, aren't you Mr. Sunshine?" Aeris commented as the three of them moved to get into position. "He's actually not that bad; I just wanted to sound witty."

Menchez gazed at the platform, "Ice. Pure ice. Anyway, as great as it is that we have this opportunity to take part in Winter Wonderland, I intend on wiping the makeshift raceways with your sorry Federation uniforms. Seriously, who designed your Odyssey type? It's just a 2373 rehash."

Suddenly, an ominous countdown beeped and the gate dropped. Seifer, Menchez and Aeris leapt onto the icey track and ran for it, each determined to win favor with the standing record for each of their own personal reasons.

"Auuuggh!" During the run, Menchez and Seifer suddenly found themselves sliding into an inhibiting patch of spikey ice. Aeris fell into a snow bank.

Seifer tried, unsuccessfully, pushing the Klingon away from him. "I'm not letting you win, Menchez! You told me about reset, and now I'm addicted to it! This is just like the ketrecel white fixation I had last month."

"So, you intend on killing your crew?" Menchez asked rhetorically. "Give it up, Captain! Doing things just leads to other things! And things are the worst!"

As Aeris got up and carefully re-stepped back into the race, she suddenly found her foot breaking through the ice. In half a minute, the entire track cracked apart, revealing the unfrozen, unkempt river beneath. The three Captains found their legs immersed in shallow, streaming, and chopped-ice water.

"You know, my ship has this exact same problem on Deck 8," Seifer admitted. "I suspect it's one of my Xindi-Aquatic duty officers."

The three made their way out onto destitute snow-land, disqualifying from the boundary, and confused by the end-result. "Where do we file bug reports and whiny protests? Is there a General Discussion forum somewhere?" Aeris asked.

---

Next, the mini-group came upon the icey shelter where Ferengi vendors and Epohh ladies lived.

"Qu is a genius!" the Ferengi said as they strolled by, "And so handsome."

Seifer eyed him, confusingly. "Why is he just offering personal information out like that? Doesn't he want to keep that to himself?"

"Don't you want an Epohh friend?" the Epohh lady asked, loudly, as they walked passed her next. "Qu loves all the little creatures; even you!"

Menchez nodded, taking that last comment in, somewhat overwhelmingly. "It is a good feeling being loved. As a Klingon, I will freely admit that."

"It's the Pie Contest Breen," Aeris observed as they approached a seemingly over-weight, cold, suited man.

The Breen spoke at their arrival, "Look at all this bounty Qu has provided. Eat the pies for his amusement! The more pies you finish, the better the rewards!"

"The reward being an early death?" Seifer asked.

As the three approached the table of pies, the countdown timer rang off, prompting them all to begin eating as many as possible. Menchez and Seifer dove in and began stuffing their faces, but Aeris hesitated. "The Humanoid stomach can only fill about 2 to 4 liters of food, and you have a Trill Symbiont."

"Yeah, but his stomach can hold up to 6 or 7," Seifer explained with a mouth-full, knowingly breaking canon and the laws of alien biology all at once. Suddenly a gag reflex caused him to involuntarily spit out his pie. "Ugghh! These are really badly made! Are these...... Are these all leola root pies??"

Aeris pointed to a nearby table. "Well, there's your answer— a Talaxian."

"Happy Non-Denominational Holidays! Qu has charged me to discover new foods and combine bizarre spices in strange, new ways," Neelix greeted from afar.

Menchez continued eating, forcing it down. "You fools! Leola root is nothing to a Klingon! I don't care what that half-asleep engineer always said!"

"Captain, no! Many of Voyager's crew was found dead from leola root poisoning! They secretly cloned new personnel, as replacements, every season— That's why there were more background faces than what the actual crew complement was supposed to be!"

Menchez involuntarily spat out a mouth-full, compelling him to stop in pure emotion. "I have to win this! Don't you see? If we can't have death, as I have previously tried to force it, then we must have life. We can't end up the way Sisko fake-died??"

"Yeah, that was weird. Then I had a dream about Kirk trying to interview him while he absent-mindedly played piano? Anyway, Captain, what I mean to say is: you're the fool. Your obsessions are turning you weak and barely even Klingon anymore!" Aeris charged.

Menchez wiped a tear from his eye, and sniffled. "That was a mean thing to say, you big meanies. I can't believe how mean you both are being. Captains are supposed to have a non-mean code."

"Uggh!" Seifer and Aeris threw up their arms in frustration before a bunch of live leola root worms started wiggling out of the pies, destroying their perfect holiday crusts.

It was all Aeris could do to keep herself from hurling. "Oh, dude, hell no—" She pushed Seifer aside and ran out into the open snow, preparing for the worst in regurgitation.

---

Seifer and Menchez ran over, to catch up, when all three suddenly stopped their concerns, noticing a gingerbread veteran, nearby, eating into the blue, high-pitched gingerbread man from earlier.

"A gingerbread council member is being eatennnn!" it cried out before perishing.

The gingerbread veteran, with a nasally, stuffed-up voice emerged from his hunger-triumph and took notice of the three Captains. "Help protect us from an invasion of snowmen!"

"You just performed horrible, yet deliciously-looking cannibalism, and now you want us to take you seriously?" Seifer critiqued.

The gingerbread veteran continued his nasally panic without waiver: "Strange snowmen are trying to break into our winter wonderland and ruin everything!" He then turned to find Menchez breaking off his left arm and eating it.

"Whu't?" Menchez said with a mouth-full of gingerbread. "I nee'ded to w'ash th'e Nee'lix dow'n."

Suddenly, a group of stick-bat'leth-wielding snowmen approached from the distance, intent on overtaking the intrepid Captains of yonder time. Aeris pointed to just the left of them. "Here! A pile of conveniently formed snowballs! Put the extras in your pockets!"

All three Captains began picking up snowballs and throwing them at incoming snowmen.

Suddenly, a giant Borg sphere passed overhead, in the sky, stopping to a hover beyond the hill in the distance where the snowmen were approaching from. Moments later, the onslaught of snow enemies trickled into an onslaught of assimilated snow enemies. Their drone voices were broadcast all around, naturally: "We are the Borg. In an effort to penetrate new realms, as we do, we have entered this one. We call it, the 'jolly realm'. We were already aware it was labeled Qu's Winter Wonderland. Freezistance is futile."

"I love that the Borg are way more talkative now. Remember when they attacked the NX-01 Enterprise in the mid-22nd century and they didn't even say they were Borg, despite them being from the future where they did say that?" Seifer commented by way of run-on-ask.

Menchez looked at him while continuing his non-tiring snow-throws. "And how exactly would any of us remember events we weren't there for?"

Then, a more giant amalgamation of assimilated snow mush, called a Bursting Snow Monstrosity, approached. "We only wish to lower temperature for all species."

While frosty assimilated enemies were being taken out by highly trained Starfleet officers and a hardened Klingon warrior, the gingerbread veteran snorted: "In order to help you out, I've dug three several-kilometer-long grooves into the snow to help align the snowmen's approach!"

"That wasn't necessary," Seifer explained. "The only reason I can think you would do such a thing is because you wanted to name each of the groov—"

But the veteran just interrupted him at the then incoming approach of several Guardian Snow Monstrosities: "Snowmen are coming down Black Diamond, Crimson Cube and Blue Lozenge lanes!"

"Yeah. That."

Just then, the Borg Snow Queen, the tallest snow mash-up of them all, emerged in the distance and threw a giant snow ball at the group. Seifer and Menchez dodged it as it hit Aeris and took her down. "Ugh! This is pointless!" the Human Captain gritted in snow-plastered frustration. "Of course you two are able to ease into reminiscings of any kind, while I have to deal with being the new one with no memorable adventure-like experiences to back me up!-- Entries, if you will. It's almost as if we only get one per month now??"

Seifer looked at her, confused.

"Oh, please. Like you've never been jealous of a non-tangible thing."

The Trill Starfleet officer tapped his chin. "Well, there is that whole Vulcan katra mumbo-jumbo, which is way more mystical than our zhian'tara woozle-wozzle. Both, of course, I assume are ghost-based."

The two then glanced over to see Menchez handing over several items to a Ferengi Holiday Item Vendor: Targ ear muffs, Bolian candles, Andorian sleigh bells and much, much more. He was rewarded with a Freezing Mist ground-based weapon— to which he immediately used to blast the Borg Snow Queen to pieces.

"Definitely feeling aggressive tendencies, sirs!"

Aeris got up with Seifer's help. "Thanks for telling us?"

"—Ahh! What are you mortal meat-bags doing??" Qu suddenly flashed in with arms pre-open. "If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times: Don't provoke the Borg!"

Seifer crossed his arms, "You never told us that. In fact, we asked you specifically if there was a group we shouldn't provoke and you replied with 'Don't bother me now; I'm picking out my Q hat'."

"Yes, that's right! Big surprise, the Q likes head-wear! I made this Winter 'Wonderland' because I thought it could lead me to be worthy of even more Q top-warmers."

Aeris looked at him, with judgmental glee. "It's clear you just copied Q's Winter Wonderland from previous years. Melting race tracks? Leola worm pies? Gingerbread cannibals?"

"Let's not forget the epohh breeding baskets. People are literally just putting epohhs in baskets and placing bets," Seifer reported.

Qu put the oddly-formed epohh he was petting down. "Uggh. They're just serving as a reminder of the Borg epidemic now. All I was doing was trying to follow the gold example?? Old-faced Q thinks he's so perfect."

"—I'm Q-Junior, the less copyrighted Q!" Q-Junior said as he flashed in. "I'm the one who's been running the Winter Wonderlands; not my father."

Qu looked at him in momentary shock, "Oh! I guess I forgot to check. Plus your look, behavior and dialogue are similar? As if you were a placeholder in case a certain voice actor would change his mind already? Well, anyway, it's not like people really need to know the truth. I suppose I don't feel as bad now."

"Wait! Who won out of the three of us?" Menchez reached out. "The Klingon, right? It's usually the Klingon."

Qu shook his head, "I don't have time for games!? My wonderland is destabilizing thanks to this Delta incursion! Do the players love it? Do they really??"

"Well, pick one of us. We went through hell and back for this holiday season. Just horrible, utter hell," Aeris stated.

Qu glanced over. "Huh? Oh. You, since you're the one closest to me right now. Your wish of everyone back on their ships, in some measure of health, is granted. But, you should know, Captain, even the action of being sent is itself memorable." Before snapping, he paused. "Please note, every Q transport erases two weeks of childhood memory." At that, Seifer, Menchez and Aeris all disappeared in a flurry flash.

"I like what you've involuntarily endured with the Borg snowmen," Q-Junior said, walking over. "I think I'll add it to my Wonderland; the lanes as well." He glanced at the gingerbread veteran. "You're coming with me, too. The catch being you thinking this was all my idea."

Qu tilted his head, "But your Wonderland has been going on since the beginning of the month? You're adding this in so late in the game?"

"I'll go into the past and add it, you nit-wit! Ugh. You are literally the worst Q that ever existed," he said before preparing to leave. "Now, if you'll excuse me, but I have to sit in a chair on Earth Spacedock, Qo'noS and New Romulus all at once. They make me shift my consciousness between each body and it's quite dizzying."

After he and the gingerbread veteran flashed away, Qu took one last holiday prideful look at his melting ice shelter moments before half of it collapsed in on its sad, tired and depressed vendors. Luckily, despite being copies, they were all granted immortality, so they were probably fine. Happy Holidays!

hawku001x

Unofficial Literary Challenge #17: Winter Wonderland Celebrations (II)

The Steamrunner-class U.S.S. Tsunami bobbed and weaved its way through a smorgasbord of festive-colored ships parked near Earth Spacedock. McCary beamed onto the transporter pad aboard Deck 47.

"Joy of the season, Captain!" an Adult Jackal Mastiff approached him and said. "Oh, I'm Captain Terry of the U.S.S. Kitana. You see, I challenged Q-Junior's claim on his power-- a claim that's obviously disputable considering he was once trapped on the U.S.S. Voyager-- and then he transformed me into this beautifully grotesque thing. Isn't it wonderful??"

McCary squinted, unconvinced. "What? Aren't you on duty?"

"Hehehe!" Terry ran off, excitedly.

The main concourse was full of creatures, strange and mystical. Stepping passed two Large Talarian Hook Spiders, a War Targ and an Enslaved Hordling, McCary was stopped before a green Gingerbread Andorian eating into a struggling Gingerbread Klingon's side.

"Ugh! Andorians aren't cannibals??" McCary recoiled.

When the misty-eyed Gingerbread Andorian took notice of McCary's witness, he ran off in an animalistic gruff. The Gingerbread Klingon huffed and heaved for a few seconds before passing out all together.

"He must've been a left-over Winter Wonderland pet from when that bunch of Klingons were able to beam onto Spacedock," Captain Samya observed, approaching from the left.

McCary took notice of her. "Oh; Captain Samya? I didn't think you'd still have your Starfleet commission after that space-transport incident."

"Those children deserved to burn to death in plasma!" And then, realizing, "Did I mention they were Undine? Perhaps I should mention that more often."

McCary took out his tricoder. "I was okay with the first part. Anyway, why would an Andorian-version cookie, normally peaceful, turn on its own baked-kind?"

"If my Science officer, Mika, were here, she'd say they were delicious and unavoidable by every holiday measure. Thankfully, Bridge officers aren't allowed on Spacedock."

The quarter-Klingon Captain read off his device. "I'm still reading the Gingerbread Andorian; he's emitting some kind of energy wave distortion."

"Can you be more specific?"

McCary showed her the tricorder. "No, it actually says 'some kind of' on this thing."

"WRAGH!" In the next second, in the distance, Captain Terry, now morphed into a maddening and drooling Warrigul, pounced and hungrily decimated the off-base walking cookie before realizing what he did. "Oh no! I can't be full for my Fastest Game on Ice grind??"

Samya turned to McCary as the Starfleet Warrigul ran off in fear. "Those pets originate from that incessant Wonderland. Perhaps we'll find more information there?"

"Very well." McCary nodded while pulling out his phaser. "If you see any epohh 'friends', shoot them on site. Don't even hesitate."

---

Flashing into the joyous Q's Winter Wonderland, onto the blue, semi-transparent gazebo, McCary and Samya were suddenly hit with the pungent aroma of candy canes and lollipops.

"Ugh! This place is utterly repulsive," McCary partially blocked his eyes as they adjusted to the light.

Samya nodded, in-process assimilating herself. "I wish I was dead."

"You've been here five seconds and you're already bringing down the place," came Captain Terry's comment of disapproval as he approached in Devidian Visitor form.

McCary jumped back in mild shock. "Whoa! Maybe warn us before you do that?"

"I'm embracing the season, which would do you two obvious-trauma-hordes good if you even tried," he replied, floating passed them toward the Breen Race Coordinator.

Samya turned to McCary. "Should we?"

"Hell no," he replied, studying his tricorder. "Hold on. I'm getting some kind of echo-based residual wave reading."

She crossed her arms, annoyed. "Would you please stop with the 'some kind ofs'? I once executed my Operations officer for that." And then, "Oh, he turned out to be a Changeling."

---

Making their way into a forgotten forested area, next to a stone mountain, McCary was suddenly attacked by two wild-eyed generic Gingerbread men.

"YYaarrggh!" Like rabid animals, they leapt onto his shoulder and arm and attempted biting into him, hungrily.

McCary threw one off him and Samya crushed the head off the other. "Sickening," McCary commented as the cookie head debris of the remaining breadman crumbled off his arm. "What happened to their holiday cheer?"

"Spent on that." Samya pointed to a field of half-eaten, partially aware, moaning Gingerbread men and women.

They were all groggily reaching out for each other in cannibalistic hunger. "Candddyyyy brainnnsss..."

"Chocolate innardddds..." another moaned, hungrily.

Captain McCary put his tricorder away. "By the ripped-out shirts of high-strung-Kirk! It's like they tore through their nasally-pitched, annoying ice-coated necks out of pure greed?"

"You could say it was bound to happen, considering the commercially avaricious nature of the holiday season; proliferating indulgent tendencies, funded by the Ferengi Commerce Authority."

McCary shook his head. "No one will ever admit to that. It must be something else." He pointed at a glowing point-of-light-portal, perched at the end of the partially alive cookie massacred field.

"I'm reading another pocket universe," Samya reported as she scanned it with her tricoder while the two of them carefully stepped around each halved, grasping Gingerbread man. "It's similar to this one."

McCary kicked a reaching Gingerbread man to pieces as both he and Samya approached a small, hovering, blue spark. "There was a report from the U.S.S. Phoenix-X about an imitation Winter Wonderland from a similar Q-like being. There were Borg-puns, Neelix-jabs and everything."

"Yes, that one was made by Qu. He spells his name differently, but it sounds the same. I met him when he turned my crew into singing references. I ended it with Blue Skies," Samya added. "There weren't that many other songs to choose from."

Captain McCary furrowed his brow. "We should put an end to this manufactured fakery right away; the some-kind-of energy wave distorted, echo-residual base readings are more condensed here."

"Alright, you're on a time-out for explaining things."

After McCary reprogrammed his tricorder into sending a feedback pulse at the point of light, the portal opened up and engulfed the two Starfleet officers.

---

Appearing on the other side, McCary and Samya found themselves surrounded by jungle vines, in a hot and muggy palm tree-filled environment: Qu's Winter Wonderland.

In a dark recess of foliage, before them, was a vine-bound figure, draped in shadow, on his knees, decaying nearly beyond recognition. His uniform was torn.

"Starfleet??" McCary began scanning, in shock. "A Trill?"

Samya pushed a giant, nearby leaf aside, lessening the shadow over the man's face. "Captain Seifer??"

"Uuhh," the decrepit supposedly-young officer groaned in pain. "The light hurts my eyes."

McCary kneeled to his level. "But it's dark? And where have you been this whole time? A bunch of us Captains have been picking up your slack."

"Sorry, I'm having Slamek flashbacks," Seifer admitted. "Indeed," he continued, struggling to speak, "It would seem the Calibus VII virus that got my crew, previously, has been reactivated. I've been living off Gingerbread men for weeks."

Samya checked his flakey forehead temperature. "It's not as bad as you described in past reports?"

"Someone, I don't know who, must've partially reactivated the virus in us, so it's not as effective. My crew and I are in perfect health some days, where we can complete missions, but back to decaying on others." He tried to get up, unsuccessfully. "I booked passage here through a Traveler named Wayfar because I meant to ask Qu for help-- Instead, I get maddening games and living jungles."

McCary tilted his head. "Living?" And then, suddenly the foliage all around them began moving, growing and tightening around Captain Seifer.

"Forget about me! I can get out of this. But any help you can provide on who's working that virus would be great---"

The two of them stepped away as the jungle engulfed him and a thick, curling vine accidentally knocked McCary and Samya back toward a point of light.

---

Both Captain's then found themselves back in the normal Q's Winter Wonderland. The portal that was there previously was now gone.

"Looks like I pushed the energy distortions on this end to the other end," McCary reported from his tricorder. "So, it's a one-way wormhole now."

Samya picked herself up. "You see what uncontrolled effects we get when we work off generalizations? Also, it seems the problem is worse than expected."

"GGrrgghh," came the drooling sounds of infected Gingerbread men, stumbling out of Qu's pocket dimension. More and more Gingerbread zombies began flooding out of thin air, piling on top of each other in partial crumble from jungle moisture.

McCary and Samya ran to a safe distance. "We should probably change Wonderland instances," McCary said. "This one's experiencing some kind of a cohesion loss."

"Well," Samya shrugged. "At least the air isn't full of cotton candy anymore. Missions aside, perhaps we can appreciate this waste of a universe after all, considering what we just experienced."

McCary put his phaser away. "Fast and the Flurrious then? With the prize tags, we may be able to gain access to the epohhs."

"Agreed." Samya nodded as they both left the piling Gingerbread mess. "Perhaps we may pay a visit to that overbearing Talaxian as well. I must learn more about his weaponized leola root stuffing."

hawku001x

Unofficial Literary Challenge #42: Face the Kramp'Ihri

Captain Elektra of the Ty'Gokor-class I.K.S. Valentine stood before the Kramp'lhri Watcher, in disbelief, upon the Ice Gazebo in Q's Winter Wonderland.

"So, you're a hideous fangirl of some kind?" the Orion and Klingon Defense Force officer questioned.

The skantily clad Fek'lhri with sharp teeth continued. "No one but me understands how tenacious the Kramp'lhri is! Challenge the Kramp'lhri with honor, creature!"

"Oh my. You've got spunk, don't you?" Elektra said, impressed. "I was like you once: devoted, faithful. It's not all its cracked up to be."

From behind her, the voice of Menchez, a Klingon and Commanding officer, broke through the reverie. "You were more than that, Captain. I posit that you had more backbone and destiny than an army of Nausicaans. Not to mention, once said-battalion was actually defeated by you."

"Weren't you and your ship last seen being hijacked by Augments?" Elektra replied, turning to face him whilst changing the subject. "You were said to be heard screaming in consternation?"

Menchez refuted. "That was from an Epohh bite! But, yeah, my enemy one-upped me by threatening to not-kill my crew and I in a heat of dishonor. Sufficed to say, we're still hijacked. Though, our captors and I did find a Q-Junior copy under a sewer pipe on Kentar. Turns out that guy is everywhere."

"Well, positioning and self-establishing is how I won all my fights," elaborated Elektra. "Not that I've had much to fight for since the Iconian War. Seems like that thing ended faster than it started without any sense that it was happening in the first place."

Suddenly, the bellowing voice of an extra-dimensional entity rang through the Wonderland. "Kramp'lhri has returned! Today is a good day to cry! Hahaha!"

"He has been spotted heading towards the racetracks! Glorious!" exclaimed the Watcher. "I'll wager you can't save any of the gingerbread folk he has taken. Still, it might be fun to watch you try."

Elektra smiled to her before being transported away. "A woman after my own heart."

---

Confronted by the chaotic violence of the giant Kramp'lhri, Elektra joined several others in firing their winter weapons. The result was a shower of coal flanked by switch attacks.

"Naughty, naughty, naughty!" declared the immensely, 6 meter high monstrosity as he deflected snowballs, gummy blasts, and freeze rays from the various participants.

Elektra smirked. "Oh, dear. Aren't you quite the sight to take in? I can see why the Watcher was so enamored with you. Unfortunately, love is blind."

"Yooouuuu have been naughty this year!" the beast announced as Elektra blasted her Unrestricted Aggression gun and fired an entourage of foam dart bursts.

The attack suddenly caused Kramp'lhri to disperse into a cloud of billowing, spinning dust, escaping into the gazebo and rematerializing upon the snow on the other side.

"Ha! My women's scorn knows no bounds," Elektra said, after she and the others caught up to him and reopened fire. "Men like you care not for others, but rather just yourselves! As attractive as that is, I should have expected as much from a newborn Earth myth and Fek'lhri amalgamation."

Menchez pulled up beside her with his gun and blasted a barrage of icicles into the beast. "Actually, according to rumour, this creature was, in fact, the same one that revealed himself unto legend in 16th century Earth's Europe." And then, to explain, "I'm assuming a time travel predestination paradox through a Q visit, as those are the most satisfying."

"This thing was real?? Well, I suppose we're all aliens, so that shouldn't be surprising," Elektra said. "Not that we see ourselves as the aliens. Point is, do you think Kramp'lhri is kind of hot now? I mean, look at him, right?"

Before the Klingon could respond, the build-up of attacks caused Kramp'lhri to lose several large gift boxes, then-splayed all around the attacking group. Just as Elektra attempted to open her own, the giant ran over and plopped his gift-stealing basket over her head.

"Naughty, naughty!"

Elektra struggled to get it off, realizing now that her presumptuous lowered-defenses allowed yet another man to win her over. "Kramp'lhri, forget the Watcher! Run away with me! I've been a baaaadd girl!"

"Captain," Menchez said in shock. "Perhaps I was right about your backbone, which clearly can support not only your stance but this year's Breen ship in any gravity environment." He watched as Elektra cut through the basket with her oversized Black Nanopulse Mek'leth.

She then threw it into the unrelenting mammoth. It burst into spinning dust once more, releasing the gingerbread folk whilst he disappeared back into his pocket universe. "Nooooo! Not yet! There are still naughty children!"

"What the Gre'thor? Why is that mek'leth so large? I just wanted to appeal to him, not send him away??" denounced Elektra.

Next, the Watcher's voice rang through. "The magnificent Kramp'lhri may be gone for now, but he will return! Wondering how well everyone did? Behold!"

"What?" Elektra said, confused and looking around as there was a long, drawn-out silence. "Anyhow, I suppose I forgot how fun an allegiance could be. I'll forego my previous naiveté." She turned to see Menchez putting his weapon away.

The elderly man nodded. "Qapla'! Nice work, Captain. You truly have the heart of a Klingon warrior; unlike the others in our fleet. I may be forsaken, but that has not prevented me from learning about the insolent dishonour that has occurred most recently upon a planet known as Raatooras."

"I have not forgotten about our fleet, Captain," Elektra said.

Menchez clenched his fist. "Those incompetent petaQ allowed that planet's population to perish in utter failure! Since I'm out of commission, I want you to put an end to Captains Sigon, Deloss and Kronen. That is an order."

"Seems somewhat extreme, but Klingons did go bald once," she said, recalling. "As you command, considering what has happened here today. Or is it still night? The sky has mysteriously stayed the same for days now."

The two looked up and around, curiously. Echoes of Q-Junior's diabolical laughter suddenly rang through the Wonderland. "Hahahaha!"