Dark Legacies part 4/5- Up for review

zionus0

Hello, I'm opening this discussion to get feedback on the newest part of my foundry series that started with "A Past Forgotten".

Part four : The Last Admiral is now in the review tab, for those who'd like to try it out.
Name: [DL- 4/5] The Last Admiral
ID: ST-HL8K637XS
Allegiance: Starfleet or Romulan Republic
Level: 51+
Door: Servin System Beta Quadrant

Rishis has escaped prison, if you are unable to recapture her she will be able to drastically alter history- forever changing the face of the galaxy.
Part four contains much less combat than the rest of the story.
I've attempted to incorporate elements of both the federation and Romulan stories into this pursuit through time.

evil70th

zionus0 wrote: »

I'd like to add one to the que please.

Title: [DL-4/5] The Last Admrial
Author: Gromio
Minimum Level: 51+
Faction: Starfleet or Fed-Rom
Project ID: ST-HL8K637XS
Door: Servin System Beta Quadrant
Estimated Length: 60 minutes

Description:
Dark Legacies Part four
The federation has at long last come to an uneasy truce with the klingons, the Undine have at least for now been passified, the Borg have been driven from the Alpha and Beta quadrents...
But the machinantions of evil never sleep. They watch, wait, and pounce.


I think this is still in the review tab.

Federation Mission - The Last Admiral
Author: Gromio
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HL8K637XS

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Report Start

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Summary: This is a great addition to the series with good map designs, tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I would definitely recommend this mission to other players. You are drawn in to the mission with a combination of dialogue and battles so you enjoy it.

There are several places were you have misspelled words and some grammatical issues. I have tried to identify them all but I would suggest you go through all the dialogue to ensure they are all corrected. Spelling and grammatical errors can detract from the story and the player's enjoyment.

Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "[OOC]the featured epissode[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]the featured episode[/OOC]".
-Consider changing sentence that starts "The Federation" into three different sentences starting with this sentence as well as "the Undine" and "the Borg". Also check your punctuation in each sentence. There are a few commas missing.
-Consider changing "now been passified" to read "now been pacified".
-Consider changing "But the machinantions of evil" to read "But the machinations".

Grant Mission Dialogue: This is good grant and follow on dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "that requires immiediate attention" to read "that requires immediate attention".
-Consider changing "[MissionInfo]at the Sevin system[/MissionInfo]" to read "[MissionInfo]at the Servin system[/MissionInfo]".
-The Rankarsork recap dialogue; consider changing "incarnation of it's foe" to read "incarnation of its foe".
-The Rishis recap dialogue; consider changing "a larger ivasion of this reality" to read "a larger invasion of this reality".
-Consider changing "after being force to board" to read "after being forced to board".
-Consider changing "responded to a distresscall" to read "responded to a distress call".
-Consider changing "daughter of the Terran Emporer" to read "daughter of the Terran Emperor".
-Consider changing "she'd transfered her mind" to read "she'd transferred her mind".

Mission Task: This is a good initial task. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Sevin System" to read "Servin System".

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good entry prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.

MAPS:
Facility 4028: This is a good map design with several tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the console button from the default "Interact" to read "Access Console".
-The console readout; consider changing "accses to technology" to read "access to technology".
-Consider changing "to have transfered her" to read "to have transferred her"
-The second Speak to Warden dialogue; consider changing "is the warden malfunctioning" to read "Is the Warden malfunctioning".
-Consider changing; "Lethal protocalls initiated" to read "Lethal protocols initiated".
-Consider changing the task spelling "Acsess" to read "Access".
-Consider changing "I can give us accses to Main Holding" to read "I can give us access to Main Holding".
-Consider changing "lower the Guards aggression settings" to read "lower the Guards aggression settings".
-The post Resist dialogue; consider changing the response button "I belive I speak for all here" to read "I believe I speak for all here".
-The popup dialogue; consider changing "all of the captives out" to read "all of the prisoners out".

Warp: The map design is good and the story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the orientation of the map from North to West and the effect from Weather Starstreaks North South 01 to Weather Starstreaks West East 01. The effect Weather Starstreaks North South 01 does not work well unless the player is moving at higher speeds.
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "[OOC]Republic Secuiry, or any Allicen power[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]Republic Security, or any Alliance power[/OOC]".
-Consider changing "Star ship appearing" to read "Starship appearing".
-The Tempra dialogue; consider changing "Victoria Rishis O'brien" to read "Victoria Rishis O'Brien".
-The sentence that starts with "I’ve been having difficulty" needs to be rewritten. Consider breaking it up into two separate sentences or adding commas as appropriate to separate the thoughts.

Vega System: This is a good map design with balanced battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.

Khitomer Enginering Deck: This is a good map design with tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The map name; consider changing "Khitomer Enginering Deck" to read "Khitomer Engineering Deck".
-The Rishis dialogue; consider changing "allowed in here Engsin" to read "allowed in here Ensign".
-Post defeat Rishis dialogue; consider changing "[OOC]away from engineering[/OOC]" to read "[OOC]away from engineering[/OOC]
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "I belive if we remove" to read "I believe if we remove".
-Consider changing "without our assitace" to read "without our assistance".

U.S.S. Khitomer Deck 7: This is a good map design with challenging but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "The Tempera has opened" to read "The Tempra has opened". Unless the correct spelling is "Tempera". If so then you need to standardize the spelling of the ship throughout the mission.

Khitomer: This is a good map design with several tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialogue; consider changing "[Rank] my crew will ensure" to read "[Rank], my crew will ensure".
-Consider changing "ensuring that O'brien doesn't escape" to read "ensuring that O'Brien doesn't escape".
-The post Disable the I.S.S. Grandeur dialogue; consider changing "Well done we should leve immiedetly" to read "Well done. We should leave immediately".
The Hail the U.S.S. Legacy dialogue; consider changing the response button "I'll be comming as well" to read "I'll be coming as well".
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "The U.S.S. Temera is gone" to read "The U.S.S. Tempra is gone".

U.S.S. Legacy Bridge: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
The Speak to Shivorn dialogue; consider changing "Victoria O'brien was able" to read "Victoria O'Brien was able".
-Consider changing "using an unkown means" to read "using an unknown means".
-Consider changing "This itslef was a change" to read "This itself was a change".
-Consider changing "I will take some time to repaire damage that remans but with time there is the probability of majority resiconitation" to read "It will take some time to repair the damage that remains but with time there is the probability of majority reconciliation".
-Consider changing the response button "how did she get that ship" to read "How did she get that ship".
-Consider changing "Wee'll keep working on that" to read "We'll keep working on that".
-Consider changing "removed my prescens from" to read "removed my presence from".
-Consider changing the response button "What do we do with O'brien now" to read "What do we do with O'Brien now".
-The Computer dialogue; consider changing "Commander Obrien is in her quarters" to read "Commander O'Brien is in her quarters".
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "I'll have a squd of" to read "I'll have a squad of".

Legacy- Crew Deck: This is a good map design with several tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial task; consider changing "Find Commander O'brien" to read "Find Commander O'Brien".
-Consider changing the response button "Shivorn your fist officer has been attaked and needs medical aid" to read "Shivorn your first officer has been attacked and needs medical aid".
-Consider changing the response button "Verywell" to read "Very well".
-The post Repel the hostiles dialogue; consider changing "Here's what going to happen" to read "Here's what's going to happen".

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End Report

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Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission and the series so far. I look forward to playing/reviewing the rest of the series and more of your work in the future.
Brian

This critique report also filed 02/26/2016 on forum posting for: In depth mission reports upon request.