While inspecting a civilian freighter for contraband or on an away mission surveying a planet, you come across something unusual. It is a sentient, amorphous blob of carbosilicate material that looks like a mobile pile of sludge with eyes. While not a Changeling, it can alter its shape in order to fit through small spaces, and it can eat just about anything - though the interior space it can generate to use as a 'stomach' is also used as a storage space for anything it intends to use, like weapons, and can even be used to carry a person inside, if said person needs to avoid detection. And it's also more bloodthirsty and trigger-happy than just about any other race known to exist.
Write a story detailing your encounter with this strange creature.
Look forward to seeing what you come up with for it.
Look forward to seeing what you come up with for it.
Since I'm still stuck on grandnaguszek's story, here comes your crackfic, done with crazy Three drunken hijinks as requested in the Google hangout.
NOTE: Absolutely nothing about this story is serious in any way. DO NOT attempt to make any sense of it whatsoever. There is no fourth wall here. Just treat it like a Harold and Kumar movie, and please note that this has no bearing whatsoever on my other stories.
DISCLAIMER: I do not support or endorse any actions taken by characters herein. I do not recommend taking psychoactive drugs for any reason unless prescribed by a psychiatrist for treatment of neurological disorders (and even then, I feel that therapy is preferable to medication). Three and Schlock are amoral sociopaths who would almost certainly be on the FBI's top ten Most Wanted list in our world. Do not attempt anything described herein at home, or at all for that matter.
"OMG!!!!!" squealed Nemesis unit designation Three as she saw what had been transported off of the alien shuttle. "A carbosilicate amorph!"
"That's right," said the blobbish creature on the transporter pad. "Now stick 'em up!" It pulled a massive gun from its TRIBBLE with one pseudopod and pointed it at Three's face. The gun made an Ominous HUMMMMMMMMMMMMMM...
"Oh my god, it's Sergeant Schlock!" squealed Three. "Yes! I've always wanted a crazy fanfic crossover with that universe! Hey, Schlock, huge fan of your work, especially the whole kitten-eating bit. I'm Three, by the way, I like killing people and breaking things."
"Really?" said Schlock. "So do I!"
"I know! I've read all of Schlock Mercenary before I came to this universe, it's the most awesome thing EVER!!! And you kill so much stuff so messily! It's so hot!"
"OK. Do you have some Ovalkwik? Or something small and fluffy to, um, play with?" Schlock was still holding his plasgun, but thanks to his ADHD it was now pointing at a random wall.
"Sure, I can replicate some...but first, do you want an epohh? They taste like kittens, but half the calories, and the fur doesn't clump as much."
"Sure," said Schlock.
"Here," said Three, tossing a live epohh into the amorph's gaping TRIBBLE. Then she picked another out of the bag she was holding (it had been snack time before the whole shuttle/wormhole/spacetime rip bit had happened), and popped it into her own mouth. "Whatscha th'nk?"
"Tastes like murder and mayhem," said Schlock in the tone of a human who's lying back and writhing with xir eyes closed, or perhaps one who has just eaten a peppermint-and-white-chocolate-coated-pretzel. His eyes closed from ecstasy.
"I know, right? C'mon, you want to kill some stuff? We can hit ESD with some Ovalkwik afterwards."
"Yeah, alright."
"OK," said Three, pulling a translucent hovering menu marked "PVE Queues" out of thin air and scrolling down it. "How about Hive Ground Elite? I'm traited for ground by default and I have the full MACO set upgraded to MK 14 gold with a TR-116-B I bought off of the Exchange, so we should have the DPS to do it even if we get a lousy PUG."
"I'm in," said Schlock. He suddenly got the very strange feeling of a clock counting down in his head.
"And here we go...Leeeeeeeeeeroy--JENKINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
***
"Schlock, elite tac drone on your six--"
THOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! went the plasgun.
"What tac drone?"
"Nice crit! Whoever's writing this story must really like that thing!" Three reached out of the story, through worffan101's computer screen, and grabbed the nerd around the neck. "Hey, doofus, make sure I get laid a lot later!"
"Yes ma'am!" squawked the nerd, and Three released him.
"Alright, let's go for the Queen! DPS on my mark!"
"On it," said Haxxxxxxxx0r.
"I'm on heals," said Ryans_Healbot_Toon.
"wait wut we doin?" asked captain jim krik.
"I have melee DPS, Schlock has the cannon of canon, and Haxxxxxxxx0r has that Omega set bonus...let's do this! And remember to skip the cutscenes if you can, the devs said they were making them optional in the last patch!"
"What, you think we're n00btards?" scoffed Ryans_Healbot_Toon.
"wut is custene?" asked captain jim krik, who was the only one not on teamspeak.
"Leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeroy...JENKINS!!!!!!!" screamed Haxxxxxxxx0r for fun. But he took his position and began activating tac buffs anyway.
Schlock's plasgun hummed ominously.
"You think you have..." said the Borg Queen, and then Three crashed into her.
THOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! went the plasgun.
"WOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Schlock, blasting the Borg drones to bits.
"Wow...this is the most hilarious PUG ever!" said Ryans_Healbot_Toon, laughing as he spammed all of his heals and debuffs. "Haxxxxxxxx0r, I need some cover here, I'm taking aggro! Damn bugs!"
"On it," said Haxxxxxxxx0r, spamming security team, Draw Fire, and quantum duplicates. "At least basic aggro still works..."
"They're fixing it in the next patch," said Three, tearing the Borg Queen in half along her midline with an epic crit buffed by about 18 [CritD] buffs. "Trendy wrote a hilarious poem about it that she read on the last livestream while Smirk ran around with all the Borg in the room chasing him even though he never shot them. He made a funny joke about it, too."
"Trendy's cool," agreed Haxxxxxxxx0r. captain jim krik was still in a cutscene.
Schlock burned up the rest of the Borg. A purple cylinder materialized out of nowhere and hit him on the head.
"GG all," said Three.
"GJ," said Ryans_Healbot_Toon. "Nice DPS there, blob guy."
"GG all, thanks for the team," said Haxxxxxxxx0r. "Sweet, I got the bonus plekton drop!"
One by one they left the instance. Schlock stayed behind for a moment or two to set everything on fire with his plasgun.
captain jim krik finally began moving again.
"wer s everbody? wut is ths clam rewards thin/"
***
"That was awesome," said Schlock.
"Yeah. Hey, you want to party?"
"Yeah, OK. I want you to have my babies."
"Sorry, sterile. I'd do you anyway, though."
"OK. Where's the Ovalkwik?"
"Already down at ESD. Come on, let's hit club 47. Oh, and for your own sanity keep your zone chat off."
***
Fleet Admiral Jorel Quinn woke up with a pounding headache.
"Ow..."
He looked around. There were about fifty people around the room. The probably-underpants that he could feel on his head seemed to be the only worn clothing in the room.
"Morning, boss" said unit designation Three from behind him. He turned around with weary lack of speed.
The unit was crusted with a layer of that damn Ovalkwik stuff; Quinn had tested some around...1600 hours? Before the party got going, for sure; it had been high-grade stimulants cut with sugar.
Captain Akira Sulu, who was for once easy to find, seemed to be having an allergic reaction, if the green skin and swollen extremities were any judge.
Hey, kids, don't do drugs. Being in Quinn's situation isn't as fun as it might seem to some.
"Don't talk to me until at LEAST 1400 hours tomorrow," grumbled Quinn. He saw the perambulatory dung-heap thing oozing over towards the bar.
Another look around the room tripled his headache and made him groan.
Rear Admiral Tuvok, apparently unconscious given the drool leaking from his mouth, had his head lying on don't look don't look nothing good can come from looking Doctor Hansen's chest. Doctor Hansen was twitching slightly, her eyebrow implant sparking. Ambassador Worf was passed out on a shredded couch with two beautiful Klingon women--how did he get all the luck? Empress Sela, for no particular reason, was hanging from the ceiling by her ankles. Quinn was damned if he knew why or how. Or why she was here instead of a Republic prison.
Captain Kurland was rammed head-first through a plastiglass panel; fortunately, he seemed uninjured despite his unconsciousness, but he was muttering "This is Kurland...Kurland here..." in his sleep. Quinn's headache jumped up another notch.
Quinn saw the unconscious Captains Koren and Shon and looked away very quickly. Obisek was mercifully alone, and intact, but was cuddling a very large gun with a smile in his sleep. Proconsul D'tan and Chancellor Jm'pok were sprawled on a table with mugs of Ovalkwik in front of them.
What the hell happened last night?????????
The Doctor was face-first in a large tub of Ovalkwik, which Quinn noticed just as Schlock did. The hologram's matrix flickered.
"Hey," said Schlock, apparently sober and in full mental control, poked the hologram with his plasgun, which made an Ominous hummmmmmmmmmmMMMMMMMMM... "Step away from the Tub of Happiness!"
The door swished open, and Captain Harry Kim, dressed to the nines in his dress uniform, marched in smartly and stopped in his tracks.
"Admiral, sir, I...what in the name of...what...Tuvok...blob thing...galactic leaders...what the...what...how..."
The Human man tried valiantly for a full 30 seconds to comprehend the disaster. Then he put his face in both palms.
"TRIBBLE this, I'm going to go get really drunk, and then get treated so that I don't remember any of this."
And since the author could not come up with any more wacky hijinks off of the top of his head (and also because said author knew that while strictly speaking he was within forum TOS he didn't want to push it any more), Captain--I mean, Grand Supreme High Admiral Lord Kim, most competent and professional man in the Federation, turned on his heel and left.
"I hope you enjoyed, takeshi," said Three.
"This hit me like a ton of bricks," said worffan101. "Oh, wait, I don't need quotes for that..."
This hit me like a ton of bricks, said worffan101.
Wow. :eek: I think you managed to out-crackfic Hawku that time.
"Great War! / And I cannot take more! / Great tour! / I keep on marching on / I play the great score / There will be no encore / Great War! / The War to End All Wars"
— Sabaton, "Great War"
Actually, there was this sci-fi book I read once called Only Forward that had close to HHGTTG-levels of nonsensoleum. There's a drug in it that's so potent you cut it with coke.
That's what I think worffan was on when he wrote it.
"Great War! / And I cannot take more! / Great tour! / I keep on marching on / I play the great score / There will be no encore / Great War! / The War to End All Wars"
— Sabaton, "Great War"
Actually, there was this sci-fi book I read once called Only Forward that had close to HHGTTG-levels of nonsensoleum. There's a drug in it that's so potent you cut it with coke.
That's what I think worffan was on when he wrote it.
LOL!
Nah, just killing time after reading way too much gratuitous slash as research.
No, really. Takeshi suggested it. It's complicated. I'll tell you on the hangout.
Also, I've got a half-decent mostly-finished opening scene for MCNL chapter 5; I sent you the doc last night, so whenever you're ready we can take a stab at that.
Cast:
Dahar Master G'kara: Mary Kay Adams
Lieutenant Commander D'tar: Joseph Ruskin
Bekk Kortar: Phil Morris
General Thade: Norman Burton
Captain Kadar: James Gregory
Minister Zaius: Maurice Evans
"Warp core is destabilizing!" shouted D'tar above the hisses of steam and blaring of red alert sirens. "Ejecting in 5...4...3...2...1...now!"
"Helm controls are not responding! Hu'tegh!" Dahar Master G'kara cursed in tlhIngan Hol as the Toron-class shuttle streaked out of space towards a mid-sized blue and green planet.
"Heghlu'meH QaQ jajvam!" snarled Kortar, who was young and somewhat inexperienced.
"Get in the back and brace for impact, you fool!" snarled G'kara. The planet was getting closer. She recognized that continent; the Federation was going to have a targ over this. "D'tar, I need my impulse engines, now!"
"Thrusters are online, can't do anything about impulse!" the sensor officer/technician called back. "I keep telling those ylIntaghpu' that we need more robust EPS grids on these things! You don't see this Verengan dung happening on Federation shuttles!"
"Save your complaints and brace yourself! Kortar, get back there and strap yourself in or I kill you myself!"
G'kara blasted the thrusters in full reverse, but she could only slow the shuttle as it entered the atmosphere. She snarled in rage as D'tar swore behind her, the sudden appearance of atmosphere shaking the shuttle like a wayward saber bear cub found by its mother.
They were slowing, leveling out; it wouldn't be enough to avoid a crash, but hopefully they'd survive...
***
"Bat'leths?"
"Here."
"Disruptors?"
"Here."
"Mek'leths?"
"Here."
"Dk'taghs?"
"Here."
"Personal shields?"
"Here. Nothing fancy, but they get the job done."
"Good. Kortar, take your gear. D'tar, take it easy, I don't want you aggravating that arm. Come on, let's find something to eat."
The three Klingons walked away from the crashed mess that had been the shuttle. Kortar muttered something about Molor taking whatever had caused the shuttle crash.
"Something moving up ahead," muttered D'tar.
"I see it," G'kara replied quietly. "Two Klingonoids, maybe more. Kortar, stay sharp."
"Yessir. Trees are thinning out ahead."
"D'tar, watch my flank. I'm going in."
G'kara drew her bat'leth and trotted ahead of the men; the shapes moved faster.
"Follow me!" barked G'kara in tlhIngan Hol, and she broke into a run.
They broke out of the trees into...a field. Terran corn, if G'kara's memory served, and she'd gut anyone who claimed otherwise. The shapes...
"Humans?" asked Kortar in confusion.
"Yes," said G'kara. "Almost certainly. Hey! Federation petaQpu'! I am Dahar Master G'kara of the Klingon Empire! What is the meaning of this? Where is EarthSec?"
The Humans looked at her in confusion, then went back to foraging in the field.
"The Gre'Thor is wrong with them?" asked D'tar.
"Let's just kill them," snarled Kortar. G'kara cuffed him around the ears, knocking him onto his face.
"Shut up, idiot, before I cut out your tongue. Rude and possibly mute or not, those are still Humans, and the Federation will still have a targ if we kill them."
"Yes, sir..." muttered Kortar as he pulled himself to his feet.
"Right. Now, let's..."
Something howled, long and loud. Saber bear? Grishnar cat? Whatever it was, the Humans all stopped, looked in the direction of the noise, and ran the other way en masse.
"Weak fools," snarled G'kara. "D'tar, get out your disruptor and keep watch, Kortar and I are getting dinner."
"Yes, sir! Heghlu'meH QaQ jajvam!"
"tlhIngan maH, D'tar. Whatever that noise is, we will crush it."
Then hairy humanoids on Terran horses burst out of the trees across the field, throwing lengthy javelins.
"Ah!" snarled G'kara. "A good fight! Die well, Kortar!"
"Die well, Dahar master! There are no warriors like Klingon warriors!"
Both warriors raised their bat'leths at the mounted warriors in a salute. Then they charged.
"Dahar masters," muttered D'tar with a shake of his head. "Even the smart ones are blood knights." He checked the charge pack on his disruptor rifle and sighted one-handed as best he could.
***
It really wasn't General Thade's day, he had to admit.
The human hunt was a shambles; the right flankers had been ambushed and routed by the sheer surprise of humans--or something like them, anyway--attacking them with swords and some sort of fire ray. Only one man had made it out, fleeing frantically towards Thade's position by the traps minus six teeth, one eye, and two fingers.
Now the...whatever they were...were obliterating Thade's twenty men with more fire rays before the ape cavalry could get even close enough to shoot their matchlocks.
By the time he realized that attacking really was suicide, Thade was the lone survivor.
The ape tried to turn his horse, but another fire ray killed it under him. The general, still physically capable despite his position, only barely managed to leap clear.
Thade rolled into a crouch in the corn, checking his gear--the matchlock was broken for sure, he'd fallen on the damn thing, but his knife and ceremonial sword were intact, fat lot of good that would do...
Well. Discretion was the better part of valor, as the orangutans said.
Thade ran for the caravans, stooped into a half-crouch like a beast so as not to present a target for those hell-rays.
"Look! One flees!" shouted a voice behind him, harsh and guttural.
"Come! We will run it down!" snarled another, this one higher-pitched but still not ape. "D'tar, follow us and watch for possible reinforcements!"
What were those things? They weren't apes, the Capital had no opponents anymore; but humans couldn't talk, didn't fight, just couldn't kill so many apes so damn quickly...a lone, unarmed ape in the wilds, maybe, but not a full hunting troop that outnumbered them twenty to one.
Lawgiver. The army had to know.
He made it to the trees and broke into a full run, the creatures maybe a hundred meters behind him. Damnation, they were as fast as humans, too!
The caravans were in the clearing just ahead; but Thade knew, deep inside, that he wasn't getting out of this. If he held off the attackers, then maybe one man on a horse could get out before the monsters' ray beams got him...
"RUN!!!!!" screamed Thade as he approached. "Something hit the hunt, get back to the city and warn the army!"
"Huh?" said the caravan driver, an elderly chimp, sticking his head out of the trophy wagon.
"Get out of here! Get back to the city, take a horse and leave everything else! Get back to the city and tell them Thade and the rest of the hunting party are dead! GO!!! I'll buy you some time!"
"Bold," snarled one of the monsters from behind him. The chimp shrieked, but a ray beam hit him between the eyes. Thade turned, knowing what was coming.
"I am Dahar Master G'kara of the Klingon Empire," snarled the monster. "You are an intelligent man, and you have shown honor by thinking of your nation before yourself. I will grant you an honorable death. Kortar! Give him your sword!"
"Yes, sir," said another monster, this one shorter and with a simpler garment--no, that was a uniform, and the larger one was a woman, despite the bony ridges on her forehead...
Thade caught the weapon, a strange crescent-moon design with grips on the long curve, mostly on instinct.
"Die with honor," snarled the woman, raising her sword in what might have been a salute. "Kortar and D'tar will shoot you if you try to dishonor my courtesy by fleeing. Kill me, and we let you leave alive."
Thade tried to control his breathing. This woman was taller than him by about five centimeters, and she probably outweighed him by ten or twenty pounds of pure muscle. If he wanted to live, he couldn't let her prolong this or turn it into a brute force fight...
G'kara lunged with lightning speed, an overhead chop barely caught by Thade's desperately-raised alien sword. She snarled with glee and countered with a chop to the leg; Thade barely jumped away, then tried for a thrust to her chest, which G'kara brushed aside with incredible strength.
"Hey!" said the one called Kortar suddenly. "That little one's getting away!" Thank the Lawgiver; the old chimp had brought his grandson on this trip, promising the boy a look at a real wild human, and the kid had the sense to run...
"Let it go," snarled G'kara. "This one wishes to die so that the other can get away; I will grant his wish." She went for his chest, and Thade tripped backwards, landing hard enough to wind him. He rolled sideways just before G'kara's follow-up chop took him in the ribs.
Thade kicked out, catching G'kara in the chest; he felt the snap of a rib, but G'kara wasn't even fazed. She got his right arm near the wrist, and Thade screamed as he dropped the crescent sword. He scrabbled for his knife as he rolled back up, but he knew that he would be too late...
G'kara's sword took General Thade between the eyes, killing him instantly.
"Not bad," remarked G'kara. "He died well." And she knelt, to howl for a warriors death.
***
"And then General Thade said to run, and Grandfather was dead, and General Thade was fighting the monster, and the monster was talking, oh, Lawgiver, it was talking, and as I rode away I heard General Thade screaming..."
"Thank you, boy, that will be all," said Captain Kadar, turning to the Council. "Zaius, the boy's testimony has been the same each time, and has been corroborated by our scouts. A group of three beings, neither human nor ape, slaughtered General Thade's hunting party with ease. I propose that we take a force of one hundred men to eliminate these monsters before they can bring more of their kind to the Capital's territory. Surely you recognize the urgency of eliminating them quickly?"
"You make a strong argument, Captain," replied Minister Zaius, his obese orangutan body lounging in his seat. "However, in the interests of science, I must insist that these creatures be taken alive."
"Minister," Kadar protested, but Zaius cut him off.
"Alive, Captain. Surely that is within the scope of your...talents?"
"Yes, sir," growled Kadar. That bloody fat f*ck was going to get him and all of his men killed.
***
"So," said D'tar. "We've got a little problem even though I've got the backup core assembled and online."
"When we get back, I owe Ba'wov joH a whole case of bloodwine," muttered G'kara. "Keeping parts for a backup shuttle core is definitely worth it. What's the problem?"
"We're in a parallel universe," said D'tar.
"...the f*ck in Gre'Thor you say?"
"Exactly my thoughts when I saw the data, sir. We're going to need a miniature thorium generator and a flux capacitor to get home."
"Can you make those?"
"The flux capacitor I can make from the parts I've got in the back now that I have the power online so my soldering tools will work. It's not going to be a COMFORTABLE ride but it'll get us home. The generator requires thorium fuel; I've put together a map and list of what we need."
"Good," said G'kara. "That's our focus, then."
Kortar to Gkara, crackled the Dahar Masters comm bracelet.
Report, Kortar.
Ive found the hairy creatures city. A party of about a hundred large, dark-furred ones just left on Terran animals, theyre coming out towards the field where we first encountered them.
Get back here, Kortar. Well prepare an ambush and study them before we kill them.
Sir! I can shoot them now!
Fool! Get back here or I will kill you myself! For did not Kahless the Unforgettable say Know your enemy, and you will know how to defeat him? We will learn our enemy, and then we will crush them like the skulls of CardasSngan voles beneath our boots!
Ah! snarled Kortar. A good plan, Dahar Master! Glory to the Empire!
***
Stay sharp, Captain Kadar warned his men as they rode into the forest. The monsters have some hell-forged fire weapons; they can kill you with a touch, apparently.
Surely thats an exaggeration, sir? asked one of his men. I mean, magic guns that spit killing fire rays? Its like something from a childrens story.
Whatever those things are, they killed General Thade, the best fighting gorilla Ive ever known. Im taking nothing for granted. You, scout-sergeant! Lead a wing off the right flank, be stealthy.
Yes, sir!
Lawgiver send that we survive this, Kadar muttered to himself. Itd be damned embarrassing to be beaten by a bunch of savages.
The field was mostly empty, save for an apelike shape disappearing into the trees on the far side.
There! Kadar shouted. After it!
Whooping and shouting in the thrill of the chase, the apes whipped their mounts into a charge. Captain Kadar readied his matchlock.
The shape was impossible to track through the trees, but it left a trail, and Kadar had been a scout-sergeant before his promotion, he knew how to track as well as how to lead men. Two quick commands and his apes were riding after him.
Another large clearing ahead, this one at the edge of a large lake. Kadar knew the area; near the forbidden zone, small bluffs on either side.
Beware of an ambush! Kadar snapped. The scum who killed General Thade were smart, theyll use the land intelligently!
His apes howled and whooped, eager to kill their prey. Lawgiver! Kadar didnt have the experience for this! He was a scout-sergeant, not a Captain!
But General Thade had told Kadar that he had seeds of something greater in him. That he was destined to be a leader of apes. And now General Thade was dead, killed by savage monsters from the forbidden zone.
Run it down! Kadar howled. Kill it for General Thade!
They burst through the trees, to see the ape-beast thing standing at the edge of the lake, in front of some strange, alien vehicle.
It was pointing what looked like a gun at Kadar. Instinctively, he jerked his mount sideways, an action which saved his life.
A bolt of blistering green energy blazed past Captain Kadars head and hit the man behind him. The gorilla fell, his front horribly burned, as his mount screeched to a halt and reared, screaming. More mounted apes crashed into the sudden obstruction, and the charge fell apart.
Lawgiver! What was that thing?
More bolts of sickly green light blazed down from the bluffs, and apes dies screaming. Kadar leaped off of his horse as it was struck, landing heavily but intact. He raced for the ape-beast, which slung its hell-ray over its back with a snarl, pulling out a massive, curved sword.
Kadar raised his matchlock, still running, and fired as something exploded loudly and brightly behind him. The projectile took the monstrosity in the chest, knocking it backwards with a snarl, but there was no telltale spurt of blood. Damnation! It must be wearing bulletproof armor!
Kadar pulled out his Captains saber, no time to reload. The ape-beast rose with a howl of rage, its ridged forehead and pointed fangs striking to a deep, animal part of Kadars brain. It parried Kadars desperate chop with incredible strength, then kicked him backwards. Kadar rose, but the monster was closing
Kortar! Halt!
This voice was rich, female, yet still snarled and guttural. Kortar, the ape-beast, stopped mid-charge and growled angrily.
Be quiet, Bekk. You. Terrahngan. Turn so that I may look you in the eye.
The woman was huge, Kadar realized, even bigger than the monstrous Kortar. She held herself with savage grace, eyeing him with a military eye. Behind her, his surviving apesmaybe a dozen men out of a full hundredhad laid down their arms before another of the monstrosities, this one probably male and holding another hell-ray.
I am Dahar Master Gkara of the Klingon Empire, snarled the towering woman, hard-lined face and savage, ridged forehead framed by raven dreadlocks. She was poised, powerful; her bared arms corded with rippling muscle, her body armor styled with jet-black fangs and claws. Her thin lips were curled into a slight sneer, a complicated tattoo black against her copper skin around her right eye.
Any other time, Kadar would have found her the epitome of a warrior, a beautiful force of war. Now, however, he felt only fear.
As you can see, attacking Klingons is foolish, Gkara continued. Your kind seem capable of honor, so we will allow those who have fought well to live. Now. You and your government will give me what I want, and we will leave, hopefully never to return.
You killed General Thade! spat Captain Kadar. He was my mentor! The greatest fighting ape Ive ever known!
He died with honor, snarled Gkara. It was a good death. He dines in Sto-vo-Kor tonight. Now. I demand again. You will give me what I want, or I will destroy you and your kind. Do you understand?
Ill never give you what you want, snarled Kadar. Do your worst, monster!
A shame, said Gkara, turning and beginning to walk away. You may continue your duel with Bekk Kortar. If you kill him, you live. If you lose, you die.
***
They said that theyre called Klingons, the soldier said, still trembling. They killed almost all of us, it was an ambush! Captain Kadar went after one of them, but it killed him. Theyre from another universe, they want something called thorium and they said theyd leave us alone if we get it for them.
That is not a satisfactory explanation, said Minister Zaius in a bored tone.
Its the truth! protested the gorilla. They have hell-beams that spit green fire! I was lucky, they took my weapons and sent me home with a message because they said I fought well, but the rest of the attack group
It is unsatisfactory, growled Minister Zaius. More than that, it is obviously untrue! The sacred scrolls say that this is the only universe that exists, and that this is the only world with life! You are here to explain why a hundred soldiers sent to find three unusual specimens was lost, not to make up wild stories oh, Lawgiver, what is that???
***
Thrusters are stable, reported Dtar. Weapons and PA are online.
Put me on the external speakers.
On now, sir.
Attention, Terrahngan ylintaghpu! I am Dahar Master Gkara of the Klingon Empire. I have already destroyed two parties of your finest warriors with just three Klingons. How many more must die before you just give me what I want and let us go on our way? I demand to speak to your leader, in order to negotiate for the thorium ore that I require. If you fail to comply, I will use this starship to destroy your city to eliminate its threat to me, so that I can get the ore myself without you gnats interrupting me. Do I make myself clear?
***
Minister Zaius saw his world shatter.
Minister? asked one of the scientists, a chimp who studied humans for a living. What do we do?
We give them what they want, said Zaius, his hollow eyes the only indicator of the abject destruction of his entire worldview. What else can we do?
***
Well? asked Dtar as IKS Pujbe yay tractored their shuttle into its docking bay. Youve been quiet on the way back, Dahar Master. Why?
I am merely considering that universe, remarked Gkara. It was not, I think, an ideal place for a warrior.
Perhaps, nodded Dtar. Those dark, hairy creatures, while weak, were certainly brave, however.
True, said Gkara. But they had to take orders from that sniveling, overweight petaQ and his ilk. While I understand the value of those who are not warriors the one called Zaius, and his comrades, they had no honor!
Indeed, said Dtar with another nod. He was a coward, Dahar Master. Not worthy of being a leader of men.
And they sat in silent thought for a short time as the shuttle entered the capital carriers docking bay and came to rest.
Authors note: Yes, Gkara is something of a homage to Gkar from B5. For this, I wanted to portray both Klingons and apes, and to have a bit of a three-way dynamic between Kortar (the Ensign Newbie, a bloodthirsty kid fresh out of the academy with more courage than sense), Dtar (a middle-aged or older engineer, experienced and somewhat sarcastic towards traditional Klingon ideals in certain ways), and Gkara (an experienced, talented warrior and commander in her prime, every inch the aggressive, powerful, courageous to a fault Klingon woman, but smarter than guys like Kor).
It probably came out a little cheesy, but given the Ham & Cheese source material and the bombastic nature of Klingons in general, that cant really be avoided.
I ended up liking Dtar a lot, and wish I couldve used him more. This is a man who knows that hes considered to be nothing special by the majority of his culture, but in his own way he really is defending the Empire and fighting with honor. In space, one failure means death, so diligence and care is extremely important. Without an engineer to maintain it, no starship can defend the Empire for long. In a way, the engineers duty is the same as that of a swordmaker; creating and maintaining the weapons that warriors need to defend the Empire. And to an extent, Gkara understands and respects that, which is why Dtar in turn respects her, even if he rolls his eyes a little when she lets her Klingon nature take over.
Hope you guys enjoyed.
Sorry it was so late, grandnaguszek, I got a little inspired!
Comments
Look forward to seeing what you come up with for it.
Since I'm still stuck on grandnaguszek's story, here comes your crackfic, done with crazy Three drunken hijinks as requested in the Google hangout.
NOTE: Absolutely nothing about this story is serious in any way. DO NOT attempt to make any sense of it whatsoever. There is no fourth wall here. Just treat it like a Harold and Kumar movie, and please note that this has no bearing whatsoever on my other stories.
DISCLAIMER: I do not support or endorse any actions taken by characters herein. I do not recommend taking psychoactive drugs for any reason unless prescribed by a psychiatrist for treatment of neurological disorders (and even then, I feel that therapy is preferable to medication). Three and Schlock are amoral sociopaths who would almost certainly be on the FBI's top ten Most Wanted list in our world. Do not attempt anything described herein at home, or at all for that matter.
"OMG!!!!!" squealed Nemesis unit designation Three as she saw what had been transported off of the alien shuttle. "A carbosilicate amorph!"
"That's right," said the blobbish creature on the transporter pad. "Now stick 'em up!" It pulled a massive gun from its TRIBBLE with one pseudopod and pointed it at Three's face. The gun made an Ominous HUMMMMMMMMMMMMMM...
"Oh my god, it's Sergeant Schlock!" squealed Three. "Yes! I've always wanted a crazy fanfic crossover with that universe! Hey, Schlock, huge fan of your work, especially the whole kitten-eating bit. I'm Three, by the way, I like killing people and breaking things."
"Really?" said Schlock. "So do I!"
"I know! I've read all of Schlock Mercenary before I came to this universe, it's the most awesome thing EVER!!! And you kill so much stuff so messily! It's so hot!"
"OK. Do you have some Ovalkwik? Or something small and fluffy to, um, play with?" Schlock was still holding his plasgun, but thanks to his ADHD it was now pointing at a random wall.
"Sure, I can replicate some...but first, do you want an epohh? They taste like kittens, but half the calories, and the fur doesn't clump as much."
"Sure," said Schlock.
"Here," said Three, tossing a live epohh into the amorph's gaping TRIBBLE. Then she picked another out of the bag she was holding (it had been snack time before the whole shuttle/wormhole/spacetime rip bit had happened), and popped it into her own mouth. "Whatscha th'nk?"
"Tastes like murder and mayhem," said Schlock in the tone of a human who's lying back and writhing with xir eyes closed, or perhaps one who has just eaten a peppermint-and-white-chocolate-coated-pretzel. His eyes closed from ecstasy.
"I know, right? C'mon, you want to kill some stuff? We can hit ESD with some Ovalkwik afterwards."
"Yeah, alright."
"OK," said Three, pulling a translucent hovering menu marked "PVE Queues" out of thin air and scrolling down it. "How about Hive Ground Elite? I'm traited for ground by default and I have the full MACO set upgraded to MK 14 gold with a TR-116-B I bought off of the Exchange, so we should have the DPS to do it even if we get a lousy PUG."
"I'm in," said Schlock. He suddenly got the very strange feeling of a clock counting down in his head.
"And here we go...Leeeeeeeeeeroy--JENKINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
***
"Schlock, elite tac drone on your six--"
THOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! went the plasgun.
"What tac drone?"
"Nice crit! Whoever's writing this story must really like that thing!" Three reached out of the story, through worffan101's computer screen, and grabbed the nerd around the neck. "Hey, doofus, make sure I get laid a lot later!"
"Yes ma'am!" squawked the nerd, and Three released him.
"Alright, let's go for the Queen! DPS on my mark!"
"On it," said Haxxxxxxxx0r.
"I'm on heals," said Ryans_Healbot_Toon.
"wait wut we doin?" asked captain jim krik.
"I have melee DPS, Schlock has the cannon of canon, and Haxxxxxxxx0r has that Omega set bonus...let's do this! And remember to skip the cutscenes if you can, the devs said they were making them optional in the last patch!"
"What, you think we're n00btards?" scoffed Ryans_Healbot_Toon.
"wut is custene?" asked captain jim krik, who was the only one not on teamspeak.
"Leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeroy...JENKINS!!!!!!!" screamed Haxxxxxxxx0r for fun. But he took his position and began activating tac buffs anyway.
Schlock's plasgun hummed ominously.
"You think you have..." said the Borg Queen, and then Three crashed into her.
THOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! went the plasgun.
"WOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Schlock, blasting the Borg drones to bits.
"Wow...this is the most hilarious PUG ever!" said Ryans_Healbot_Toon, laughing as he spammed all of his heals and debuffs. "Haxxxxxxxx0r, I need some cover here, I'm taking aggro! Damn bugs!"
"On it," said Haxxxxxxxx0r, spamming security team, Draw Fire, and quantum duplicates. "At least basic aggro still works..."
"They're fixing it in the next patch," said Three, tearing the Borg Queen in half along her midline with an epic crit buffed by about 18 [CritD] buffs. "Trendy wrote a hilarious poem about it that she read on the last livestream while Smirk ran around with all the Borg in the room chasing him even though he never shot them. He made a funny joke about it, too."
"Trendy's cool," agreed Haxxxxxxxx0r. captain jim krik was still in a cutscene.
Schlock burned up the rest of the Borg. A purple cylinder materialized out of nowhere and hit him on the head.
"GG all," said Three.
"GJ," said Ryans_Healbot_Toon. "Nice DPS there, blob guy."
"GG all, thanks for the team," said Haxxxxxxxx0r. "Sweet, I got the bonus plekton drop!"
One by one they left the instance. Schlock stayed behind for a moment or two to set everything on fire with his plasgun.
captain jim krik finally began moving again.
"wer s everbody? wut is ths clam rewards thin/"
***
"That was awesome," said Schlock.
"Yeah. Hey, you want to party?"
"Yeah, OK. I want you to have my babies."
"Sorry, sterile. I'd do you anyway, though."
"OK. Where's the Ovalkwik?"
"Already down at ESD. Come on, let's hit club 47. Oh, and for your own sanity keep your zone chat off."
***
Fleet Admiral Jorel Quinn woke up with a pounding headache.
"Ow..."
He looked around. There were about fifty people around the room. The probably-underpants that he could feel on his head seemed to be the only worn clothing in the room.
"Morning, boss" said unit designation Three from behind him. He turned around with weary lack of speed.
The unit was crusted with a layer of that damn Ovalkwik stuff; Quinn had tested some around...1600 hours? Before the party got going, for sure; it had been high-grade stimulants cut with sugar.
Captain Akira Sulu, who was for once easy to find, seemed to be having an allergic reaction, if the green skin and swollen extremities were any judge.
Hey, kids, don't do drugs. Being in Quinn's situation isn't as fun as it might seem to some.
"Don't talk to me until at LEAST 1400 hours tomorrow," grumbled Quinn. He saw the perambulatory dung-heap thing oozing over towards the bar.
Another look around the room tripled his headache and made him groan.
Rear Admiral Tuvok, apparently unconscious given the drool leaking from his mouth, had his head lying on don't look don't look nothing good can come from looking Doctor Hansen's chest. Doctor Hansen was twitching slightly, her eyebrow implant sparking. Ambassador Worf was passed out on a shredded couch with two beautiful Klingon women--how did he get all the luck? Empress Sela, for no particular reason, was hanging from the ceiling by her ankles. Quinn was damned if he knew why or how. Or why she was here instead of a Republic prison.
Captain Kurland was rammed head-first through a plastiglass panel; fortunately, he seemed uninjured despite his unconsciousness, but he was muttering "This is Kurland...Kurland here..." in his sleep. Quinn's headache jumped up another notch.
Quinn saw the unconscious Captains Koren and Shon and looked away very quickly. Obisek was mercifully alone, and intact, but was cuddling a very large gun with a smile in his sleep. Proconsul D'tan and Chancellor Jm'pok were sprawled on a table with mugs of Ovalkwik in front of them.
What the hell happened last night?????????
The Doctor was face-first in a large tub of Ovalkwik, which Quinn noticed just as Schlock did. The hologram's matrix flickered.
"Hey," said Schlock, apparently sober and in full mental control, poked the hologram with his plasgun, which made an Ominous hummmmmmmmmmmMMMMMMMMM... "Step away from the Tub of Happiness!"
The door swished open, and Captain Harry Kim, dressed to the nines in his dress uniform, marched in smartly and stopped in his tracks.
"Admiral, sir, I...what in the name of...what...Tuvok...blob thing...galactic leaders...what the...what...how..."
The Human man tried valiantly for a full 30 seconds to comprehend the disaster. Then he put his face in both palms.
"TRIBBLE this, I'm going to go get really drunk, and then get treated so that I don't remember any of this."
And since the author could not come up with any more wacky hijinks off of the top of his head (and also because said author knew that while strictly speaking he was within forum TOS he didn't want to push it any more), Captain--I mean, Grand Supreme High Admiral Lord Kim, most competent and professional man in the Federation, turned on his heel and left.
"I hope you enjoyed, takeshi," said Three.
"This hit me like a ton of bricks," said worffan101. "Oh, wait, I don't need quotes for that..."
This hit me like a ton of bricks, said worffan101.
Hope you enjoyed, buddy.
— Sabaton, "Great War"
Check out https://unitedfederationofpla.net/s/
You say these words, but I do not understand them.
Thanks, though.
Actually, there was this sci-fi book I read once called Only Forward that had close to HHGTTG-levels of nonsensoleum. There's a drug in it that's so potent you cut it with coke.
That's what I think worffan was on when he wrote it.
— Sabaton, "Great War"
Check out https://unitedfederationofpla.net/s/
LOL!
Nah, just killing time after reading way too much gratuitous slash as research.
No, really. Takeshi suggested it. It's complicated. I'll tell you on the hangout.
Also, I've got a half-decent mostly-finished opening scene for MCNL chapter 5; I sent you the doc last night, so whenever you're ready we can take a stab at that.
Dahar Master G'kara: Mary Kay Adams
Lieutenant Commander D'tar: Joseph Ruskin
Bekk Kortar: Phil Morris
General Thade: Norman Burton
Captain Kadar: James Gregory
Minister Zaius: Maurice Evans
"Warp core is destabilizing!" shouted D'tar above the hisses of steam and blaring of red alert sirens. "Ejecting in 5...4...3...2...1...now!"
"Helm controls are not responding! Hu'tegh!" Dahar Master G'kara cursed in tlhIngan Hol as the Toron-class shuttle streaked out of space towards a mid-sized blue and green planet.
"Heghlu'meH QaQ jajvam!" snarled Kortar, who was young and somewhat inexperienced.
"Get in the back and brace for impact, you fool!" snarled G'kara. The planet was getting closer. She recognized that continent; the Federation was going to have a targ over this. "D'tar, I need my impulse engines, now!"
"Thrusters are online, can't do anything about impulse!" the sensor officer/technician called back. "I keep telling those ylIntaghpu' that we need more robust EPS grids on these things! You don't see this Verengan dung happening on Federation shuttles!"
"Save your complaints and brace yourself! Kortar, get back there and strap yourself in or I kill you myself!"
G'kara blasted the thrusters in full reverse, but she could only slow the shuttle as it entered the atmosphere. She snarled in rage as D'tar swore behind her, the sudden appearance of atmosphere shaking the shuttle like a wayward saber bear cub found by its mother.
They were slowing, leveling out; it wouldn't be enough to avoid a crash, but hopefully they'd survive...
***
"Bat'leths?"
"Here."
"Disruptors?"
"Here."
"Mek'leths?"
"Here."
"Dk'taghs?"
"Here."
"Personal shields?"
"Here. Nothing fancy, but they get the job done."
"Good. Kortar, take your gear. D'tar, take it easy, I don't want you aggravating that arm. Come on, let's find something to eat."
The three Klingons walked away from the crashed mess that had been the shuttle. Kortar muttered something about Molor taking whatever had caused the shuttle crash.
"Something moving up ahead," muttered D'tar.
"I see it," G'kara replied quietly. "Two Klingonoids, maybe more. Kortar, stay sharp."
"Yessir. Trees are thinning out ahead."
"D'tar, watch my flank. I'm going in."
G'kara drew her bat'leth and trotted ahead of the men; the shapes moved faster.
"Follow me!" barked G'kara in tlhIngan Hol, and she broke into a run.
They broke out of the trees into...a field. Terran corn, if G'kara's memory served, and she'd gut anyone who claimed otherwise. The shapes...
"Humans?" asked Kortar in confusion.
"Yes," said G'kara. "Almost certainly. Hey! Federation petaQpu'! I am Dahar Master G'kara of the Klingon Empire! What is the meaning of this? Where is EarthSec?"
The Humans looked at her in confusion, then went back to foraging in the field.
"The Gre'Thor is wrong with them?" asked D'tar.
"Let's just kill them," snarled Kortar. G'kara cuffed him around the ears, knocking him onto his face.
"Shut up, idiot, before I cut out your tongue. Rude and possibly mute or not, those are still Humans, and the Federation will still have a targ if we kill them."
"Yes, sir..." muttered Kortar as he pulled himself to his feet.
"Right. Now, let's..."
Something howled, long and loud. Saber bear? Grishnar cat? Whatever it was, the Humans all stopped, looked in the direction of the noise, and ran the other way en masse.
"Weak fools," snarled G'kara. "D'tar, get out your disruptor and keep watch, Kortar and I are getting dinner."
"Yes, sir! Heghlu'meH QaQ jajvam!"
"tlhIngan maH, D'tar. Whatever that noise is, we will crush it."
Then hairy humanoids on Terran horses burst out of the trees across the field, throwing lengthy javelins.
"Ah!" snarled G'kara. "A good fight! Die well, Kortar!"
"Die well, Dahar master! There are no warriors like Klingon warriors!"
Both warriors raised their bat'leths at the mounted warriors in a salute. Then they charged.
"Dahar masters," muttered D'tar with a shake of his head. "Even the smart ones are blood knights." He checked the charge pack on his disruptor rifle and sighted one-handed as best he could.
***
It really wasn't General Thade's day, he had to admit.
The human hunt was a shambles; the right flankers had been ambushed and routed by the sheer surprise of humans--or something like them, anyway--attacking them with swords and some sort of fire ray. Only one man had made it out, fleeing frantically towards Thade's position by the traps minus six teeth, one eye, and two fingers.
Now the...whatever they were...were obliterating Thade's twenty men with more fire rays before the ape cavalry could get even close enough to shoot their matchlocks.
By the time he realized that attacking really was suicide, Thade was the lone survivor.
The ape tried to turn his horse, but another fire ray killed it under him. The general, still physically capable despite his position, only barely managed to leap clear.
Thade rolled into a crouch in the corn, checking his gear--the matchlock was broken for sure, he'd fallen on the damn thing, but his knife and ceremonial sword were intact, fat lot of good that would do...
Well. Discretion was the better part of valor, as the orangutans said.
Thade ran for the caravans, stooped into a half-crouch like a beast so as not to present a target for those hell-rays.
"Look! One flees!" shouted a voice behind him, harsh and guttural.
"Come! We will run it down!" snarled another, this one higher-pitched but still not ape. "D'tar, follow us and watch for possible reinforcements!"
What were those things? They weren't apes, the Capital had no opponents anymore; but humans couldn't talk, didn't fight, just couldn't kill so many apes so damn quickly...a lone, unarmed ape in the wilds, maybe, but not a full hunting troop that outnumbered them twenty to one.
Lawgiver. The army had to know.
He made it to the trees and broke into a full run, the creatures maybe a hundred meters behind him. Damnation, they were as fast as humans, too!
The caravans were in the clearing just ahead; but Thade knew, deep inside, that he wasn't getting out of this. If he held off the attackers, then maybe one man on a horse could get out before the monsters' ray beams got him...
"RUN!!!!!" screamed Thade as he approached. "Something hit the hunt, get back to the city and warn the army!"
"Huh?" said the caravan driver, an elderly chimp, sticking his head out of the trophy wagon.
"Get out of here! Get back to the city, take a horse and leave everything else! Get back to the city and tell them Thade and the rest of the hunting party are dead! GO!!! I'll buy you some time!"
"Bold," snarled one of the monsters from behind him. The chimp shrieked, but a ray beam hit him between the eyes. Thade turned, knowing what was coming.
"I am Dahar Master G'kara of the Klingon Empire," snarled the monster. "You are an intelligent man, and you have shown honor by thinking of your nation before yourself. I will grant you an honorable death. Kortar! Give him your sword!"
"Yes, sir," said another monster, this one shorter and with a simpler garment--no, that was a uniform, and the larger one was a woman, despite the bony ridges on her forehead...
Thade caught the weapon, a strange crescent-moon design with grips on the long curve, mostly on instinct.
"Die with honor," snarled the woman, raising her sword in what might have been a salute. "Kortar and D'tar will shoot you if you try to dishonor my courtesy by fleeing. Kill me, and we let you leave alive."
Thade tried to control his breathing. This woman was taller than him by about five centimeters, and she probably outweighed him by ten or twenty pounds of pure muscle. If he wanted to live, he couldn't let her prolong this or turn it into a brute force fight...
G'kara lunged with lightning speed, an overhead chop barely caught by Thade's desperately-raised alien sword. She snarled with glee and countered with a chop to the leg; Thade barely jumped away, then tried for a thrust to her chest, which G'kara brushed aside with incredible strength.
"Hey!" said the one called Kortar suddenly. "That little one's getting away!" Thank the Lawgiver; the old chimp had brought his grandson on this trip, promising the boy a look at a real wild human, and the kid had the sense to run...
"Let it go," snarled G'kara. "This one wishes to die so that the other can get away; I will grant his wish." She went for his chest, and Thade tripped backwards, landing hard enough to wind him. He rolled sideways just before G'kara's follow-up chop took him in the ribs.
Thade kicked out, catching G'kara in the chest; he felt the snap of a rib, but G'kara wasn't even fazed. She got his right arm near the wrist, and Thade screamed as he dropped the crescent sword. He scrabbled for his knife as he rolled back up, but he knew that he would be too late...
G'kara's sword took General Thade between the eyes, killing him instantly.
"Not bad," remarked G'kara. "He died well." And she knelt, to howl for a warriors death.
***
"And then General Thade said to run, and Grandfather was dead, and General Thade was fighting the monster, and the monster was talking, oh, Lawgiver, it was talking, and as I rode away I heard General Thade screaming..."
"Thank you, boy, that will be all," said Captain Kadar, turning to the Council. "Zaius, the boy's testimony has been the same each time, and has been corroborated by our scouts. A group of three beings, neither human nor ape, slaughtered General Thade's hunting party with ease. I propose that we take a force of one hundred men to eliminate these monsters before they can bring more of their kind to the Capital's territory. Surely you recognize the urgency of eliminating them quickly?"
"You make a strong argument, Captain," replied Minister Zaius, his obese orangutan body lounging in his seat. "However, in the interests of science, I must insist that these creatures be taken alive."
"Minister," Kadar protested, but Zaius cut him off.
"Alive, Captain. Surely that is within the scope of your...talents?"
"Yes, sir," growled Kadar. That bloody fat f*ck was going to get him and all of his men killed.
***
"So," said D'tar. "We've got a little problem even though I've got the backup core assembled and online."
"When we get back, I owe Ba'wov joH a whole case of bloodwine," muttered G'kara. "Keeping parts for a backup shuttle core is definitely worth it. What's the problem?"
"We're in a parallel universe," said D'tar.
"...the f*ck in Gre'Thor you say?"
"Exactly my thoughts when I saw the data, sir. We're going to need a miniature thorium generator and a flux capacitor to get home."
"Can you make those?"
"The flux capacitor I can make from the parts I've got in the back now that I have the power online so my soldering tools will work. It's not going to be a COMFORTABLE ride but it'll get us home. The generator requires thorium fuel; I've put together a map and list of what we need."
"Good," said G'kara. "That's our focus, then."
Kortar to Gkara, crackled the Dahar Masters comm bracelet.
Report, Kortar.
Ive found the hairy creatures city. A party of about a hundred large, dark-furred ones just left on Terran animals, theyre coming out towards the field where we first encountered them.
Get back here, Kortar. Well prepare an ambush and study them before we kill them.
Sir! I can shoot them now!
Fool! Get back here or I will kill you myself! For did not Kahless the Unforgettable say Know your enemy, and you will know how to defeat him? We will learn our enemy, and then we will crush them like the skulls of CardasSngan voles beneath our boots!
Ah! snarled Kortar. A good plan, Dahar Master! Glory to the Empire!
***
Stay sharp, Captain Kadar warned his men as they rode into the forest. The monsters have some hell-forged fire weapons; they can kill you with a touch, apparently.
Surely thats an exaggeration, sir? asked one of his men. I mean, magic guns that spit killing fire rays? Its like something from a childrens story.
Whatever those things are, they killed General Thade, the best fighting gorilla Ive ever known. Im taking nothing for granted. You, scout-sergeant! Lead a wing off the right flank, be stealthy.
Yes, sir!
Lawgiver send that we survive this, Kadar muttered to himself. Itd be damned embarrassing to be beaten by a bunch of savages.
The field was mostly empty, save for an apelike shape disappearing into the trees on the far side.
There! Kadar shouted. After it!
Whooping and shouting in the thrill of the chase, the apes whipped their mounts into a charge. Captain Kadar readied his matchlock.
The shape was impossible to track through the trees, but it left a trail, and Kadar had been a scout-sergeant before his promotion, he knew how to track as well as how to lead men. Two quick commands and his apes were riding after him.
Another large clearing ahead, this one at the edge of a large lake. Kadar knew the area; near the forbidden zone, small bluffs on either side.
Beware of an ambush! Kadar snapped. The scum who killed General Thade were smart, theyll use the land intelligently!
His apes howled and whooped, eager to kill their prey. Lawgiver! Kadar didnt have the experience for this! He was a scout-sergeant, not a Captain!
But General Thade had told Kadar that he had seeds of something greater in him. That he was destined to be a leader of apes. And now General Thade was dead, killed by savage monsters from the forbidden zone.
Run it down! Kadar howled. Kill it for General Thade!
They burst through the trees, to see the ape-beast thing standing at the edge of the lake, in front of some strange, alien vehicle.
It was pointing what looked like a gun at Kadar. Instinctively, he jerked his mount sideways, an action which saved his life.
A bolt of blistering green energy blazed past Captain Kadars head and hit the man behind him. The gorilla fell, his front horribly burned, as his mount screeched to a halt and reared, screaming. More mounted apes crashed into the sudden obstruction, and the charge fell apart.
Lawgiver! What was that thing?
More bolts of sickly green light blazed down from the bluffs, and apes dies screaming. Kadar leaped off of his horse as it was struck, landing heavily but intact. He raced for the ape-beast, which slung its hell-ray over its back with a snarl, pulling out a massive, curved sword.
Kadar raised his matchlock, still running, and fired as something exploded loudly and brightly behind him. The projectile took the monstrosity in the chest, knocking it backwards with a snarl, but there was no telltale spurt of blood. Damnation! It must be wearing bulletproof armor!
Kadar pulled out his Captains saber, no time to reload. The ape-beast rose with a howl of rage, its ridged forehead and pointed fangs striking to a deep, animal part of Kadars brain. It parried Kadars desperate chop with incredible strength, then kicked him backwards. Kadar rose, but the monster was closing
Kortar! Halt!
This voice was rich, female, yet still snarled and guttural. Kortar, the ape-beast, stopped mid-charge and growled angrily.
Be quiet, Bekk. You. Terrahngan. Turn so that I may look you in the eye.
The woman was huge, Kadar realized, even bigger than the monstrous Kortar. She held herself with savage grace, eyeing him with a military eye. Behind her, his surviving apesmaybe a dozen men out of a full hundredhad laid down their arms before another of the monstrosities, this one probably male and holding another hell-ray.
I am Dahar Master Gkara of the Klingon Empire, snarled the towering woman, hard-lined face and savage, ridged forehead framed by raven dreadlocks. She was poised, powerful; her bared arms corded with rippling muscle, her body armor styled with jet-black fangs and claws. Her thin lips were curled into a slight sneer, a complicated tattoo black against her copper skin around her right eye.
Any other time, Kadar would have found her the epitome of a warrior, a beautiful force of war. Now, however, he felt only fear.
As you can see, attacking Klingons is foolish, Gkara continued. Your kind seem capable of honor, so we will allow those who have fought well to live. Now. You and your government will give me what I want, and we will leave, hopefully never to return.
You killed General Thade! spat Captain Kadar. He was my mentor! The greatest fighting ape Ive ever known!
He died with honor, snarled Gkara. It was a good death. He dines in Sto-vo-Kor tonight. Now. I demand again. You will give me what I want, or I will destroy you and your kind. Do you understand?
Ill never give you what you want, snarled Kadar. Do your worst, monster!
A shame, said Gkara, turning and beginning to walk away. You may continue your duel with Bekk Kortar. If you kill him, you live. If you lose, you die.
***
They said that theyre called Klingons, the soldier said, still trembling. They killed almost all of us, it was an ambush! Captain Kadar went after one of them, but it killed him. Theyre from another universe, they want something called thorium and they said theyd leave us alone if we get it for them.
That is not a satisfactory explanation, said Minister Zaius in a bored tone.
Its the truth! protested the gorilla. They have hell-beams that spit green fire! I was lucky, they took my weapons and sent me home with a message because they said I fought well, but the rest of the attack group
It is unsatisfactory, growled Minister Zaius. More than that, it is obviously untrue! The sacred scrolls say that this is the only universe that exists, and that this is the only world with life! You are here to explain why a hundred soldiers sent to find three unusual specimens was lost, not to make up wild stories oh, Lawgiver, what is that???
***
Thrusters are stable, reported Dtar. Weapons and PA are online.
Put me on the external speakers.
On now, sir.
Attention, Terrahngan ylintaghpu! I am Dahar Master Gkara of the Klingon Empire. I have already destroyed two parties of your finest warriors with just three Klingons. How many more must die before you just give me what I want and let us go on our way? I demand to speak to your leader, in order to negotiate for the thorium ore that I require. If you fail to comply, I will use this starship to destroy your city to eliminate its threat to me, so that I can get the ore myself without you gnats interrupting me. Do I make myself clear?
***
Minister Zaius saw his world shatter.
Minister? asked one of the scientists, a chimp who studied humans for a living. What do we do?
We give them what they want, said Zaius, his hollow eyes the only indicator of the abject destruction of his entire worldview. What else can we do?
***
Well? asked Dtar as IKS Pujbe yay tractored their shuttle into its docking bay. Youve been quiet on the way back, Dahar Master. Why?
I am merely considering that universe, remarked Gkara. It was not, I think, an ideal place for a warrior.
Perhaps, nodded Dtar. Those dark, hairy creatures, while weak, were certainly brave, however.
True, said Gkara. But they had to take orders from that sniveling, overweight petaQ and his ilk. While I understand the value of those who are not warriors the one called Zaius, and his comrades, they had no honor!
Indeed, said Dtar with another nod. He was a coward, Dahar Master. Not worthy of being a leader of men.
And they sat in silent thought for a short time as the shuttle entered the capital carriers docking bay and came to rest.
Authors note: Yes, Gkara is something of a homage to Gkar from B5. For this, I wanted to portray both Klingons and apes, and to have a bit of a three-way dynamic between Kortar (the Ensign Newbie, a bloodthirsty kid fresh out of the academy with more courage than sense), Dtar (a middle-aged or older engineer, experienced and somewhat sarcastic towards traditional Klingon ideals in certain ways), and Gkara (an experienced, talented warrior and commander in her prime, every inch the aggressive, powerful, courageous to a fault Klingon woman, but smarter than guys like Kor).
It probably came out a little cheesy, but given the Ham & Cheese source material and the bombastic nature of Klingons in general, that cant really be avoided.
I ended up liking Dtar a lot, and wish I couldve used him more. This is a man who knows that hes considered to be nothing special by the majority of his culture, but in his own way he really is defending the Empire and fighting with honor. In space, one failure means death, so diligence and care is extremely important. Without an engineer to maintain it, no starship can defend the Empire for long. In a way, the engineers duty is the same as that of a swordmaker; creating and maintaining the weapons that warriors need to defend the Empire. And to an extent, Gkara understands and respects that, which is why Dtar in turn respects her, even if he rolls his eyes a little when she lets her Klingon nature take over.
Hope you guys enjoyed.
Sorry it was so late, grandnaguszek, I got a little inspired!