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Terrible Fiction: Consuming Fire - Ridiculous JJVerse edition
squatsauce
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This is a story I wrote for LC#61 as told from the perspective of Khas' JJVerse counterpart, AKA Lord Wolfcry. Try not to take it too seriously. I'm posting it as its own thread because you can only do one story for an LC.
"Captain Khas. The situation is desperate. We need you now more than ever." Admiral Fogarty was sweating like a pig, as all authority figures did when in the natural, dominant presence of Starfleet's only Arkathian, Captain Khas Ker'at.
Khas whipped his Ray-Ban style shades off and gave the Admiral a penetrating stare. "Captain Khas? Bro, I think you're forgetting my proper honors, given to me, I might add, for being a lone wolf badass captain who always wins."
Admiraly Fogarty sweated some more, trying desperately not to roll his eyes. "Uh...right. Grand Ambadassador of Awesome, Super-Admiral Lord Wolfcry."
Khas nodded. "I see. Go on."
"Well, it's the Iconians. They've merged with the Solonae and Undine using dark magicks. Prognostricatrix Issobara says that we've only days before their fleet arrives. If they overrun the Federation, they'll take all or our jobs and put additional strain on our already overburdened welfare system." The Admiral was starting to look more desperate with each passing word.
"What forces are at my disposal?" Khas leaned forward, a few stray lens flares scintillating off of his gleaming carapace.
"Well, that's the problem. Pretty much everyone in Starfleet called in sick. The only available vessel is the experimental science battleship USS Bloodsword McMurdersauce. You'll have to defeat all of the bad guys using this one ship." Admiral Fogarty looked blurry for a moment before his textures popped in.
Khas was intrigued. "Why aren't they sick, Admiral?"
"They do a lot of yoga."
Khas nodded. He slipped on his Ray-bans, paused for a moment, and uttered the word "Radical'" as the opening to The Who's "Won't Be Fooled Again" inexplicably started to blare over the Admiral's intercom.
**********************
Sassy McChickcaptain, the sassy, attractive, twenty-something female captain of the USS Bloodsword McMurdersauce, was understandably nervous. Khas Ker'at, or Lord Wolfcry as he was known among the vampire clans, was a living legend. As a Federation Nightstalker, he had bested the Gorn Vampire Werewolves of Bellatrix 7. As a Federation Sous Chef, he had utterly destroyed the shadowy cabal of Tal Shiar Saucemeisters that had taken over Delta Gamma Bo Bamma. Ronin. Beat Poet. DJ. He excelled at everything he ever did. And now his shuttle was about to dock on her ship. It was like a sexual innuendo, but using ships and the complex mathematics involved in docking one of those ships into the other one.
The shuttle slid neatly into the docking bay (INNUENDO ALERT), it's ground effects package and numerous spoilers gleaming in the overhead lighting. It thrummed with power and also dubstep. Captain Sassy McChickcaptain gasped as the door opened and Khas stepped out. That glistening, armored exoskeleton. Those numerous, clattering , mutli-jointed limbs. That aura of physical dominance and emotional unavailability was intoxicating. She understood why he had a reptuation as a legendary lover.
But, no! She had to think of her duty and not the handsome, chitinous anthropo-arachnoid in the leather trench-coat and dark shades. If only Starfleet had taught her how to be a strong, independent captain instead of spending four years teaching her the mechanics of being a disposable love interest.
Khas rolled up to McChickcaptain and took off his shades, to reveal a second, smaller set of shades underneath. "I'm here to kill all the bad guys. Set a course for the place where the Iconian fleet is assembling and we'll win this one yet."
Sassy nodded, trying to focus on the task at hand. "Well, of course. The Iconians are gathering at the special Garage Sale area of the Sphere. We can be there in a few hours. Would you like to accompany me to the bridge?"
Khas shook his head. "Naw. I need to get something from the shuttle and I need to take some time to focus my Chi. I'll join you when I am ready, babe."
Sassy saluted and headed off back towards the bridge. Khas took a moment. Those odd stretchy pants of hers accentuated her figure nicely. Actually....
Khas looked around the docking bay at the other members of the Bloodsword's crew. All of their rear-ends were amazing looking. Khas recoiled a bit when one particularly shapely set of buttocks turned out to belong to a slovenly, bearded, filth-crusted Pakled janitor. He shook his head and reached into the shuttle to remove a bag containing his secret weapon.
As the shuttle lifted off to return to Starbase F2, Khas strode to the Bloodsword's dojo and meditation lounge. He had to focus his Chi. The coming battle would easily be the fourth or fifth most difficult one in his unrealistically amazing career. He needed to be ready.
*************
Sassy McChickcaptain was back on the bridge where she belonged, where she felt powerful, though in a way that was still kind of sexist and condescending to women in general for some reason. The science battleship USS Bloodsword McMurdersauce was one of the finest ships in Starfleet and she was proud to be her captain.
"Ensign Peon. We're gonna need all the science we can get for this battle. How are we looking?"
Ensign Peon checked his console carefully. "Science reservoirs are at 89% and climbing, Captain."
Captain McChickcaptain nodded decisively, the way a man would were he in charge. "Excellent. Lieutenant Expendable. Take us to the designated combat point, maximum warp."
Lietuenant Expendable, a shapeless, gelatinous, amoeba-like being, who's butt looked just fantastic in his/her/its yoga pants burbled an affirmative and pressed the giant button labelled "Let's roll" on his/her/its console.
Bits of the USS Bloodsword McMurdersauce needlessly reconfigured themselves. Spoilers emerged from various hatches, the nacelles split, shifted, and recombined in different shapes, and blinking lights changed colors. The nose of the ship popped up and the ship screeched forward, doing the most wicked wheelie imaginable.
***************
Deep within the Dyson Sphere, the Iconians were gathering in force. The numbered in the millions, swarming like flies around the giant Iconian Boss Ship. Mordred Scythefist, the Iconian Blood-Duke sat on his throne-like command chair menacingly tapping away at his cell phone.
"Foolish candy," he rumbled quite racistly. "I will crush you as I have crushed countless world."
"My Blood-Duke" a cringing Iconian fleet minion whined. "There is a Federation starship on sensors."
Mordred hurled his cell phone at the fleet minion. "Fool! I care not. The foolish Federation's foolish fleet has no vessel capable of stopping us. For their paltry efforts, those fools will die the way that all fools die: Foolishly."
"But, my Blood-Duke, our sensors are detecting vast amounts of Chi. It can be none other than Lord Wolfcry himself, Khas Ker'at!"
Mordred blinked as his jaw dropped. "OH SHIIIIII...."
************************
Captain McChickcaptain felt a naturally dominant presence several seconds before Khas stepped onto the bridge.
Khas took a moment to stare at her in a vaguely predatory manner. "Captain whatever your name is, here's the plan. You'll fly this ship straight into the enemy fleet."
"But Khas." She started, but was interrupted by a warning finger and annoyed expression from the Arkathian.
"Sorry. Grand Ambadassador of Awesome, Super-Admiral Lord Wolfcry. That's suicide. Even with all the science we've collected, we can't take that many ships at once."
"Don't worry, babe, I got this." Khas replied. "Just do what I said. I'll be outside getting ready to do epic battle." Without another word, he strode out of the bridge, his leather trenchcoat flowing behind him.
*******************
The USS Bloodsword McMurdersauce (named for famed battle-pacifist and researcher Horace Bloodsword McMurdersauce) sped towards the Iconian fleet at full impulse. On its nose, standing defiantly, trenchcoat billowing in the breeze, was none other than Khas himself.
"We're almost within weapon's range, Grand...whatever. You need to do something quick!" Sassy nagged.
"GOD! I got this. Shut up, mom!" Khas growled back, silencing her through sheer weight of his dominance. He gazed at the swarm of black dots in the distance and pulled his secret weapon: The fabled Vulcan Axe of Les'Pol. Without preamble, he took his guitar pick and started to jam the most epic jam of them all. Lens flares leapt from the ancient guitar's gleaming surface, slicing the Iconian ships to ribbons. Ribbons which exploded.
The harder Khas jammed out, the more lens flares shot out of the guitar. After seven minutes the Iconian fleet was so much debris. Except one: The Iconian boss ship. The Iconian' Boss Ship had a massive armor plate on the front and its multiple weapons banks started firing relatively slow-moving balls of energy in all directions. It didn't really seem to be aiming them so much as trying to fill the entirety of space with death.
The Bloodsword started firing its array of guided weapons and machine guns at the enormous Iconian ship, but didn't seem to be able to affect it.
"Khas! It's too strong. Got any other ideas?" Sassy barked over the intercom.
"FFF. Yeah. Like, a hundred. Shut up." Khas reached into his trenchcoat and pulled a device shaped a bit like a five-pointed star. He gripped it at its center and flicked his wrist, causing blades to pop out of the device's five arms. He focused his Chi and threw the Glaive at the Iconian Boss Ship. It smashed into the armored plate on the front of the enemy vessel. With a series of identical explosions, the plate popped off revealing a large, glowing orb.
"Do it!" He shouted in an aggressively awesome manner.
Inside the Bloodsword Captain McChickcaptain gasped. "So dominant" she muttered to herself, feeling a surge of sexy feels shoot through her body. "That's its weak point. Fire all of our science right at it!"
A stream of hyper-accelerated, like, I dunno, lab coats and beakers and math equations and stuff shot out of the Bloodsword's science nozzel and tore into the Iconion Boss Ship's glowing weak point. After three such blasts, the Iconian Boss Ship exploded into nothingness.
Sassy hung onto chair, shuddering with relief. "My god. That was amazing. Khas...anyone...anything on this ship is your for the taking. Even me."
But Khas wasn't there anymore.
"Ensign Peon, where did the Grand whatever go?" She asked, flushing a bit.
Ensign Peon checked his console again and frowned. "He's speeding away on a phaser-cycle. He's left us a final message. It reads: Namaste, suckers. He's gone, Captain. Will we ever see him again?"
"I think so. Whenver the Federation is in trouble, he'll be there to handle it."
"Captain Khas. The situation is desperate. We need you now more than ever." Admiral Fogarty was sweating like a pig, as all authority figures did when in the natural, dominant presence of Starfleet's only Arkathian, Captain Khas Ker'at.
Khas whipped his Ray-Ban style shades off and gave the Admiral a penetrating stare. "Captain Khas? Bro, I think you're forgetting my proper honors, given to me, I might add, for being a lone wolf badass captain who always wins."
Admiraly Fogarty sweated some more, trying desperately not to roll his eyes. "Uh...right. Grand Ambadassador of Awesome, Super-Admiral Lord Wolfcry."
Khas nodded. "I see. Go on."
"Well, it's the Iconians. They've merged with the Solonae and Undine using dark magicks. Prognostricatrix Issobara says that we've only days before their fleet arrives. If they overrun the Federation, they'll take all or our jobs and put additional strain on our already overburdened welfare system." The Admiral was starting to look more desperate with each passing word.
"What forces are at my disposal?" Khas leaned forward, a few stray lens flares scintillating off of his gleaming carapace.
"Well, that's the problem. Pretty much everyone in Starfleet called in sick. The only available vessel is the experimental science battleship USS Bloodsword McMurdersauce. You'll have to defeat all of the bad guys using this one ship." Admiral Fogarty looked blurry for a moment before his textures popped in.
Khas was intrigued. "Why aren't they sick, Admiral?"
"They do a lot of yoga."
Khas nodded. He slipped on his Ray-bans, paused for a moment, and uttered the word "Radical'" as the opening to The Who's "Won't Be Fooled Again" inexplicably started to blare over the Admiral's intercom.
**********************
Sassy McChickcaptain, the sassy, attractive, twenty-something female captain of the USS Bloodsword McMurdersauce, was understandably nervous. Khas Ker'at, or Lord Wolfcry as he was known among the vampire clans, was a living legend. As a Federation Nightstalker, he had bested the Gorn Vampire Werewolves of Bellatrix 7. As a Federation Sous Chef, he had utterly destroyed the shadowy cabal of Tal Shiar Saucemeisters that had taken over Delta Gamma Bo Bamma. Ronin. Beat Poet. DJ. He excelled at everything he ever did. And now his shuttle was about to dock on her ship. It was like a sexual innuendo, but using ships and the complex mathematics involved in docking one of those ships into the other one.
The shuttle slid neatly into the docking bay (INNUENDO ALERT), it's ground effects package and numerous spoilers gleaming in the overhead lighting. It thrummed with power and also dubstep. Captain Sassy McChickcaptain gasped as the door opened and Khas stepped out. That glistening, armored exoskeleton. Those numerous, clattering , mutli-jointed limbs. That aura of physical dominance and emotional unavailability was intoxicating. She understood why he had a reptuation as a legendary lover.
But, no! She had to think of her duty and not the handsome, chitinous anthropo-arachnoid in the leather trench-coat and dark shades. If only Starfleet had taught her how to be a strong, independent captain instead of spending four years teaching her the mechanics of being a disposable love interest.
Khas rolled up to McChickcaptain and took off his shades, to reveal a second, smaller set of shades underneath. "I'm here to kill all the bad guys. Set a course for the place where the Iconian fleet is assembling and we'll win this one yet."
Sassy nodded, trying to focus on the task at hand. "Well, of course. The Iconians are gathering at the special Garage Sale area of the Sphere. We can be there in a few hours. Would you like to accompany me to the bridge?"
Khas shook his head. "Naw. I need to get something from the shuttle and I need to take some time to focus my Chi. I'll join you when I am ready, babe."
Sassy saluted and headed off back towards the bridge. Khas took a moment. Those odd stretchy pants of hers accentuated her figure nicely. Actually....
Khas looked around the docking bay at the other members of the Bloodsword's crew. All of their rear-ends were amazing looking. Khas recoiled a bit when one particularly shapely set of buttocks turned out to belong to a slovenly, bearded, filth-crusted Pakled janitor. He shook his head and reached into the shuttle to remove a bag containing his secret weapon.
As the shuttle lifted off to return to Starbase F2, Khas strode to the Bloodsword's dojo and meditation lounge. He had to focus his Chi. The coming battle would easily be the fourth or fifth most difficult one in his unrealistically amazing career. He needed to be ready.
*************
Sassy McChickcaptain was back on the bridge where she belonged, where she felt powerful, though in a way that was still kind of sexist and condescending to women in general for some reason. The science battleship USS Bloodsword McMurdersauce was one of the finest ships in Starfleet and she was proud to be her captain.
"Ensign Peon. We're gonna need all the science we can get for this battle. How are we looking?"
Ensign Peon checked his console carefully. "Science reservoirs are at 89% and climbing, Captain."
Captain McChickcaptain nodded decisively, the way a man would were he in charge. "Excellent. Lieutenant Expendable. Take us to the designated combat point, maximum warp."
Lietuenant Expendable, a shapeless, gelatinous, amoeba-like being, who's butt looked just fantastic in his/her/its yoga pants burbled an affirmative and pressed the giant button labelled "Let's roll" on his/her/its console.
Bits of the USS Bloodsword McMurdersauce needlessly reconfigured themselves. Spoilers emerged from various hatches, the nacelles split, shifted, and recombined in different shapes, and blinking lights changed colors. The nose of the ship popped up and the ship screeched forward, doing the most wicked wheelie imaginable.
***************
Deep within the Dyson Sphere, the Iconians were gathering in force. The numbered in the millions, swarming like flies around the giant Iconian Boss Ship. Mordred Scythefist, the Iconian Blood-Duke sat on his throne-like command chair menacingly tapping away at his cell phone.
"Foolish candy," he rumbled quite racistly. "I will crush you as I have crushed countless world."
"My Blood-Duke" a cringing Iconian fleet minion whined. "There is a Federation starship on sensors."
Mordred hurled his cell phone at the fleet minion. "Fool! I care not. The foolish Federation's foolish fleet has no vessel capable of stopping us. For their paltry efforts, those fools will die the way that all fools die: Foolishly."
"But, my Blood-Duke, our sensors are detecting vast amounts of Chi. It can be none other than Lord Wolfcry himself, Khas Ker'at!"
Mordred blinked as his jaw dropped. "OH SHIIIIII...."
************************
Captain McChickcaptain felt a naturally dominant presence several seconds before Khas stepped onto the bridge.
Khas took a moment to stare at her in a vaguely predatory manner. "Captain whatever your name is, here's the plan. You'll fly this ship straight into the enemy fleet."
"But Khas." She started, but was interrupted by a warning finger and annoyed expression from the Arkathian.
"Sorry. Grand Ambadassador of Awesome, Super-Admiral Lord Wolfcry. That's suicide. Even with all the science we've collected, we can't take that many ships at once."
"Don't worry, babe, I got this." Khas replied. "Just do what I said. I'll be outside getting ready to do epic battle." Without another word, he strode out of the bridge, his leather trenchcoat flowing behind him.
*******************
The USS Bloodsword McMurdersauce (named for famed battle-pacifist and researcher Horace Bloodsword McMurdersauce) sped towards the Iconian fleet at full impulse. On its nose, standing defiantly, trenchcoat billowing in the breeze, was none other than Khas himself.
"We're almost within weapon's range, Grand...whatever. You need to do something quick!" Sassy nagged.
"GOD! I got this. Shut up, mom!" Khas growled back, silencing her through sheer weight of his dominance. He gazed at the swarm of black dots in the distance and pulled his secret weapon: The fabled Vulcan Axe of Les'Pol. Without preamble, he took his guitar pick and started to jam the most epic jam of them all. Lens flares leapt from the ancient guitar's gleaming surface, slicing the Iconian ships to ribbons. Ribbons which exploded.
The harder Khas jammed out, the more lens flares shot out of the guitar. After seven minutes the Iconian fleet was so much debris. Except one: The Iconian boss ship. The Iconian' Boss Ship had a massive armor plate on the front and its multiple weapons banks started firing relatively slow-moving balls of energy in all directions. It didn't really seem to be aiming them so much as trying to fill the entirety of space with death.
The Bloodsword started firing its array of guided weapons and machine guns at the enormous Iconian ship, but didn't seem to be able to affect it.
"Khas! It's too strong. Got any other ideas?" Sassy barked over the intercom.
"FFF. Yeah. Like, a hundred. Shut up." Khas reached into his trenchcoat and pulled a device shaped a bit like a five-pointed star. He gripped it at its center and flicked his wrist, causing blades to pop out of the device's five arms. He focused his Chi and threw the Glaive at the Iconian Boss Ship. It smashed into the armored plate on the front of the enemy vessel. With a series of identical explosions, the plate popped off revealing a large, glowing orb.
"Do it!" He shouted in an aggressively awesome manner.
Inside the Bloodsword Captain McChickcaptain gasped. "So dominant" she muttered to herself, feeling a surge of sexy feels shoot through her body. "That's its weak point. Fire all of our science right at it!"
A stream of hyper-accelerated, like, I dunno, lab coats and beakers and math equations and stuff shot out of the Bloodsword's science nozzel and tore into the Iconion Boss Ship's glowing weak point. After three such blasts, the Iconian Boss Ship exploded into nothingness.
Sassy hung onto chair, shuddering with relief. "My god. That was amazing. Khas...anyone...anything on this ship is your for the taking. Even me."
But Khas wasn't there anymore.
"Ensign Peon, where did the Grand whatever go?" She asked, flushing a bit.
Ensign Peon checked his console again and frowned. "He's speeding away on a phaser-cycle. He's left us a final message. It reads: Namaste, suckers. He's gone, Captain. Will we ever see him again?"
"I think so. Whenver the Federation is in trouble, he'll be there to handle it."
Post edited by squatsauce on
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Comments
Hilariously done, sir.
...Oh, baby, you know, I've really got to leave you / Oh, I can hear it callin 'me / I said don't you hear it callin' me the way it used to do?...
- Anne Bredon
HOW COULD YOU KILL MY SON WITH YOUR UTTERLY AWESOME AND HILARIOUS JJVERSE PARODY??!?!?!??!??!?!?!??!?!
Also, sorry about your dead son. But, lady, you knew the risks. Dying from internets is a very real danger we all face every day. Sometimes it claims us. That's just how it goes. For what it's worth, I've written a sentence about how I poured him a 40. It was that last one, the one you just read.