Yeah, I think I saw that... It started running and poofed back to it starting place. I noticed that and added that in my review.
If it's a non-moving NPC it could be that you've set this one to "wander" but kept the wander duration very short.
If it's a friendly map, try to use "patrol" to move around the platform you're standing on.
hmmm...I know one of them is a stationary contact...I'll double check that. I suppose if all else fails I can just delete them and re-make them--possibly something got borked in the publishing process ...
hmmm...I know one of them is a stationary contact...I'll double check that. I suppose if all else fails I can just delete them and re-make them--possibly something got borked in the publishing process ...
It... might be the platform where you spawn on :eek:, when I walk over it with my boffs they suddenly change location to the center of the platform.
That's quite the paradox, how could you nerf nerf when the nerf is nerfed. But how would the nerf be nerfed when the nerf is nerfed? This allows the nerf not to be nerfed since the nerf is nerfed? But if the nerf isn't nerfed, it could still nerf nerfs. But as soon as the nerf is nerfed, the nerf power is lost. So paradoxally it the nerf nerf lost its nerf, while it's still nerfed, which cannot be because the nerf was unable to nerf.
That's quite the paradox, how could you nerf nerf when the nerf is nerfed. But how would the nerf be nerfed when the nerf is nerfed? This allows the nerf not to be nerfed since the nerf is nerfed? But if the nerf isn't nerfed, it could still nerf nerfs. But as soon as the nerf is nerfed, the nerf power is lost. So paradoxally it the nerf nerf lost its nerf, while it's still nerfed, which cannot be because the nerf was unable to nerf.
Playthrough Mission: Survival Must Be Earned - @malize (playtest)
A playthrough mission is written while playing.. This means that if I find something of interest (error/problem/well though out design) OR some kind of emotional experience like an instant *wow* or *aww* reaction I'll write it up as such. The order doesn't always seem logical, but that's how I've played it.
Time for me to try out the new Marauder Patrol Cruiser, called it "Tagliata Steak" to keep it in my Klink's theme.
Note: I was unable to finish this mission (SOLVED!) but... I was really impressed by the quality overall that it's certainly worth a replay
Mission starter (including mission description):
- (mission description) Practically no typo's or grammer issues! You've used quite a bit of comma's, but that's nit-pikking .
- (mission description) Would love to see the location where I need to go being colored (either yellow with [OOC] or green [Missioninfo]).
- (mission starter) Roflolling here; "The Tagliata Steak is to accompany the squadron..."
- (note) Well done, nice way to start a mission
Map 1; Ansa'Ra space
- (note) You've named both ships, nice!
- (suggestion) It seems that the planet and moons are all on the same Y-axis. Try to play a bit with putting the one higher or lower than the other. Only to make it more playful though.
- (question) "neutral beam down" <== What do you mean with "neutral"?
- (note) Well designed eldery Klingon, certainly not the standard face.
- (note) Rather few actions in this map.
Map 2; The City
- (question) Baltz, House of Kreg. You've written that he was the offspring of Azetbur and Toq. That would certainly be... curious. If we look ro canon storytelling this would be the daughter of Gorkon, house of Makok. Funny thing here: Gorkon's father is named Toq (memory beta).
- (note) Just gone through all the genealogy, now I understand ^^.
- (placement/NPC) It seems like the NPC's are being relocated over the platform. It starts at center, walks for about a metre and return back to center. <== Already been handled.
- (suggestion; dialog) When I do "The Places of AnSa'ra" I can't return to the main dialog tree.
- (suggestion; dialog) When reading through "Citizend of AnSa'ra" when I want to return to the Citizens list I'll be returned to "The Great Houses" instead (I probably understand how/why this has be done that way, but it's rather confusing).
- (suggestion; dialog) Instead of "Back to part *" I would suggest calling it by it's name "Part *: {title}"
- (suggestion; dialog) "Kahless and the Marakan Slaves" doesn't have a return button as well.
- (suggestion; dialog) "The Survival Ritual" doesn't have it either.
- (note) It's ashame i didn't bring my I.K.S. Strawberry Jam with me... "It is good the Tagliata Steak has arrived" <== I keep roflolling whenever I see that.
- (typo) "to long to assert" <== "too long to assert"
- (suggestion) I would add a comma after this sentence "The battle father must fight".
- (continuity) Why do you let Kamato beam out and in after finishing it's dialog?
- (continuity) Same with Klag/Tumek after finishing Klag's dialog?
- (grammer) "...pack of Ferengi ! and over nothing!" ==> "...pack of Ferengi! And over nothing!"
- (note) Looking at the city from a distance... Quite the work you invested.
Map 3; Hall
- (playability) Even though you only used a tiny bit of the map, I was able run around the whole map. I would suggesting limiting access by either a map, forcefield or whatever.
- (note) nothing really to report here, well done.
Map 4; Lodge
- (note) starting location looks quite peaceful, little white fluffy stuff floating in the air... NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! WE. ARE. KLINGON.!! <= great starting location.
- (placement) I've been roaming around the map (haven't started the first task yet) to see how it is designed. Once again pretty well done. Numerous names NPC's, etc. But there's a stair (made by round building blocks) where the second step from above seem to be placed just a bit too high.
- (clipping) I like how you made the inside court by placing walls around the halls. Unfortunatly it seems like some of these walls are clipping with eachother. If you want to keep it placed this way, try to put one just around 0.05 higher or lower then the following walls.
- (typo) "nod in acknowldgement" ==> "not in acknowledgement"
- (personal note) I don't want to whine, but I don't really like people fading away after you're done talking. But as I said again; purely personal opinion.
- (costume) Askade's earpiece looks out of place .
- (typo) "neice" ==> "niece"
- (strange sentence) "your mouth is too open while your brain is shut off" ==> "your mouth talks faster than your brain can think/perceive/process"
- (continuity) A phantasm? O.o Why would be there a phantasm when fighting targs?
- (clothing) The cardassian has romulan clothing?
- (coloring) The cardassian has a purple hue
- (placement) Molars foot stands inside the cardassian's back
- (lol) He never stops talking about his loD'Du, doesn't he?
Map 5; Back to the city
- (note) The Loresinger... again? Why do I get him (again) when entering the map?
- (triggers?) Is there a trigger that adds a moving patrol mob when you walk closer to the Klingon civilians? They beam in, why not already visible?
- (backdrop) It's night, awesome. Great moon as well. I don't know if can do anything about it but I see the stars through the moon?
- (possible typo) "raucus" => "raucous"
- (possible typo) "will fast in silence" => "will vast in silence" (this I don't know for sure though)
On a sidenote; it seems you've spend loads of time in your dialogs and the storytelling in a whole, it shows.
Map 6; Facility 15
- (placement) The warrior platform is floating just above the ground, you may modify the Y-axis a bit. (I was looking towards the building)
- (trigger) It seemed "head into village" trigger was too big, I was already inside the trigger when it became available. I had to walk back out and walk back in the trigger.
- (suggestion) There are no visual ques whatsoever. I have to be completely dependant of the map to see where I have to go. I would love to see certain visual ques which help me to point where to go.
- (note) Easy ambush mob, I like that. Why? It fits the story so far. One thing though; why do they all wear romulan clothing?
- (note) Lots of cargo crates. Even though it lookes great from a distance, if you look more closely 90% of them all stand perfectly straight next to eachother. Turn a couple to create a bit more disorder in the facility (as you want to "give" by dropping all those fights there).
- (placement) Some cardassians seem to float a tiny bit above the ground. Some cardassians have rocks laying through them (neer the Klingon body task).
- (coloring) The trustee looks definitly purple. His uniform, even though romulan, looks more cardy-like than the shirt the normal slaves wear.
- (capitalisation) Task 12 and 13; task nr 12 ==".. Klingon Bodies", task nr 13 == "..more Klingon bodies"
- (playability) I have to praise how you added combat in your mission. My klink isn't well kitted or skilled; it was quite easy to do. Adding friendlies in the fight helped as well. It did not felt as a grind which really helps your mission for replayability.
Map 7; Banquet
- (note) You have closed off the entrance to the rest of the map. It seems you've already read through some of my reviews . Even though you've closed off, it seems to be done by a certain wall. Wasn't it better to do it with a normal door? That looks a bit more "natural". I can still (barely) look underneath it.
- (note) Klingon Talk! Wonderfull to see all those textballoons with all those texts coming up!
- (note) Darn! Other side is blocked as well! Well done!
- (note) No noticable typo or grammer errors found.
Map 8; Banquet Night
- (note) Does the loresinger never sleeps?... Ah the Molar/K'nera song.
- (placement) One of the K'mtar warriors was waiting half on top of a building.
- (typo) "Approachs" ==> "Approaches"
- (capitalisation) "...at the unknown klingon" <== "Klingon"
- (placement) Mr. K and Mr. T are already laying there on the ground even before the dialog says what happened to them, am I correct?
- (Gamebreaker) I was unable to touch the "Fighting Retreat to Krag Hall" trigger. <== This might be caused by the Building/Construction directly on top of the trigger (that it levels too high).
I was Unable to continue. <== SOLVED!
Review continuation:
- (placement) I was able to get that trigger working; it seems that two mobs are activated, am I correct? If so, it seems that one of the mobs get stuck in the ground.
Map 9; Hall
- (note) Nice dialogs and following story. No noticable errors found.
Map 10; The Lodge
- (placement) Wandering the map, looking for objects or NPC's from previous Lodge map. The dead cardassian is still here.
- (grammer) "{captainname} warn my father" ==> "{captainname}, warn my father"
- (note) A true Romeo and Juliet story... Sad.
Map 11; Space
- (naming) When you're finished talking to Moklor it seems that his ship hasn't got the correct name; it still got his standard name "Vor'cha Battle Cruiser".
That's quite the paradox, how could you nerf nerf when the nerf is nerfed. But how would the nerf be nerfed when the nerf is nerfed? This allows the nerf not to be nerfed since the nerf is nerfed? But if the nerf isn't nerfed, it could still nerf nerfs. But as soon as the nerf is nerfed, the nerf power is lost. So paradoxally it the nerf nerf lost its nerf, while it's still nerfed, which cannot be because the nerf was unable to nerf.
I will say the loresinger pops on the city map each time just to give the player the opportunity to access him again...just in case they blew threw him the first time.
I had blocks in Map 3 before, or so I thought. I had put one in there originally, the same as the wall in the Map 7...hmmm...maybe I took it out for some reason I can't recall.
In general the slave clothes are items that look serf-ish...they likely wouldn't be in Klingon or Cardassian outfits. The skin color looks more gray on my machine, maybe I'll have to check that out.
The beam ins/outs on Map 2 are to replace contacts with fighting avatars, etc.
lol, no apparently the Loresinger never sleeps...he see's all
Thanks a bunch! I'll go over these and see about that trigger that caused problems to make you stop.
Hey stoutes. I was wondering if one day you might want to replay my mission and see what your reaction to it is. There has been a lot of huge updates to it. A lot of it based on your feedback.
Up to you if you want to or not. I honestly couldn't care even if I had to wait a long time for it.
I will say the loresinger pops on the city map each time just to give the player the opportunity to access him again...just in case they blew threw him the first time.
First of all; it was a great introduction; I read through it the first time because it was written pretty well. The second time though... it looked exactly the same which caused me to close it pretty soon. The third time you were lucky that I saw a difference (Molar/K'Nera song) or else I've closed it in seconds (which in turn let the player misses a wonderful written piece of Klingon poetry).
It might help if you make the Loresinger optional (as in; make a platform he can stand on, and use a dialog on him) <== this is only meant as a suggestion.
I had blocks in Map 3 before, or so I thought. I had put one in there originally, the same as the wall in the Map 7...hmmm...maybe I took it out for some reason I can't recall.
In general the slave clothes are items that look serf-ish...they likely wouldn't be in Klingon or Cardassian outfits. The skin color looks more gray on my machine, maybe I'll have to check that out.
The last couple of days I had problems with objects appearing in the wrong Y-coordinates. Even though it was 0 ground-based, it showed itself -6 or something. I had to change all the coordinates to solve this problem. The mission I am building on uses a Klingon map as well; I use the civilian(?) doors which are also found in Drozana, etc. These doors are just wide enough (barely) to fit in the doorways. Why no Klingon doors? They didn't show up in preview mode so I ditched them.
The Cardassians are massively purple, I try to post a screenshot as soon as I get home. The shirts they wear were yellowish/greenish; I would give them a bit more brownish/redish coloring (with an ivory white stripe if possible), but yet again that would be my personal taste :P.
Hey stoutes. I was wondering if one day you might want to replay my mission and see what your reaction to it is. There has been a lot of huge updates to it. A lot of it based on your feedback.
Up to you if you want to or not. I honestly couldn't care even if I had to wait a long time for it.
Thank you for updating your mission , awesome you took lots of my feedback as well to improve what you already got. I will certainly redo a playthrough review, but this time I'll consider it as a finalised mission, which means this mission will be added at the end of the current list.
That's quite the paradox, how could you nerf nerf when the nerf is nerfed. But how would the nerf be nerfed when the nerf is nerfed? This allows the nerf not to be nerfed since the nerf is nerfed? But if the nerf isn't nerfed, it could still nerf nerfs. But as soon as the nerf is nerfed, the nerf power is lost. So paradoxally it the nerf nerf lost its nerf, while it's still nerfed, which cannot be because the nerf was unable to nerf.
Ah, that explains a lot! Will try to soar through the mission again to see how the story finishes. After that I'll go and give some attention to my own mission again for a day . It needs to finish!!!
That's quite the paradox, how could you nerf nerf when the nerf is nerfed. But how would the nerf be nerfed when the nerf is nerfed? This allows the nerf not to be nerfed since the nerf is nerfed? But if the nerf isn't nerfed, it could still nerf nerfs. But as soon as the nerf is nerfed, the nerf power is lost. So paradoxally it the nerf nerf lost its nerf, while it's still nerfed, which cannot be because the nerf was unable to nerf.
That's quite the paradox, how could you nerf nerf when the nerf is nerfed. But how would the nerf be nerfed when the nerf is nerfed? This allows the nerf not to be nerfed since the nerf is nerfed? But if the nerf isn't nerfed, it could still nerf nerfs. But as soon as the nerf is nerfed, the nerf power is lost. So paradoxally it the nerf nerf lost its nerf, while it's still nerfed, which cannot be because the nerf was unable to nerf.
These are unrelated to foundry, but looked way too cool not to add.
- Romulan patrol
- Red FTW
I am sorry if I've offended anyone with the image titles, a day without humor is a day without sun.
Fyi these images were uploaded into imgur, unfortunatly it seems they compromise in quality as well, so I unfortunatly can't do anything about the JPG artifacts visible.
That's quite the paradox, how could you nerf nerf when the nerf is nerfed. But how would the nerf be nerfed when the nerf is nerfed? This allows the nerf not to be nerfed since the nerf is nerfed? But if the nerf isn't nerfed, it could still nerf nerfs. But as soon as the nerf is nerfed, the nerf power is lost. So paradoxally it the nerf nerf lost its nerf, while it's still nerfed, which cannot be because the nerf was unable to nerf.
That's quite the paradox, how could you nerf nerf when the nerf is nerfed. But how would the nerf be nerfed when the nerf is nerfed? This allows the nerf not to be nerfed since the nerf is nerfed? But if the nerf isn't nerfed, it could still nerf nerfs. But as soon as the nerf is nerfed, the nerf power is lost. So paradoxally it the nerf nerf lost its nerf, while it's still nerfed, which cannot be because the nerf was unable to nerf.
Playthrough Mission: Star Trek: Saturn: Ep. I (Intro) - @alysvanya
A playthrough mission is written while playing.. This means that if I find something of interest (error/problem/well though out design) OR some kind of emotional experience like an instant *wow* or *aww* reaction I'll write it up as such. The order doesn't always seem logical, but that's how I've played it.
It has been a long time I've used my Defiant Retrofit "U.S.S. One Vision". Put some adv. fleet Andorian DHC's [dmg]x2 [acc]x2 on it. Let there be space fights!!
Mission starter (including mission description):
- (mission description, grammer) You used "This series" 3x close to eachother; 90% of the players won't notice this, but it's something that catches my eye.
- (mission description, note) No typo's found, mission starter colored and sector/location mentioned. Well done.
- (mission starter) We're receiving a message, then nothing... You've colored "Go to Vulcan" with [Missioninfo], although your dialog won't specifically states that that is the message you received.
- (Suggestion, task) My tasklist states "Mr. Wise Vulcan" as a first task, it doesn't tell me where to go... If my wife want's to go do errants and I only have the time to open the mission. Well, where do I need to go when I'm finally home again? (I've been married long enough to now "getting some errants" means you're out for hours *sigh*)..
- (typo) Starting at Vulcan; "Opperation" ==> "Operation"
- (typo) "shed alittle" ==> "shed a little"
- (typo) "rendezvouz" ==> "rendezvous"
- (typo) "assits" ==> "assist"
- (grammer suggestion) "Remember she is the officer in charge so what she says goes." ==> "Remember; she's the Officer in Charge, so what she says, goes."
- (question) I don't understand how "Be on your way" could fit in the context you've set in your dialog.
Map 1; Vulcan
- (note) Interesting to see a Vulcan with borg hand attachment (like 7 of 9) kneeling like she lost her hope/logic/etc. Nice detail. It's ashame she doesn't seem to have anything to say.
- (suggestion) Vulcan civilian near the fountain looks exactly like the vulcan civilian near the path you must follow. This might suggest to people that you didn't want to invest too much into this mission (even though you might have poured your heart and soul in it )
- (suggestion) All the Vulcans in this map is called "Vulcan civilian". Giving them names and something to talk gives the map bit more life. Look here for a Vulcan name generator widget.
- (suggestion, dialog) "highly respected person" ==> it's a Vulcan, right? If so, then you can call it like "highly respected Vulcan".
- (suggestion, interpunction) "Welcome to Vulcan [Rank]" ==> "Welcome to Vulcan, [Rank]"
- (naming) "Star Base" ==> "Starbase"
- (grammer) "However, no ships detected or evidence of weapons fire" ==> "However, no ships were detected in it's vicinity and no weapons fire was detected."
- (grammer) "What exactly is uridium" ==> What is Uridium, exactly?
- (readability) "...electricity it is hightly..." ==> "...electricity it's hightly..."
- (typo) "endever" ==> "endeavor" <= To be honest I think "attempt" would fit a bit better in this sentence.
- (typo) "...to beam you back to the the [Shipname]" <= Double "the"
- (typo) "Of corse" ==> "Ofcourse"
- (dialog) I haven't got any option to go against the farmer or ask for more information from him.
- (typo, dialog/task) "The Sehlot", while your task says "Sehlet".
- (typo, task) "Over Grown" ==> "Overgrown"
- (capitalisation) "Daughter" ==> "daughter"
- (capitalisation) "I will see what i can..." ==> "I will see what I can..."
- (grammer, mother) "This unlike her" ==> "This is unlike her"
- (typo) "cloud have gone" ==> "could have gone"
- (continuity) The mother says she has difficulty holding back her emotions; Vulcans have a long history of holding back emotions. Spock being half Vulcan, half human tends him to be more prone to emotions. Vulcans itself have difficulty showing/allowing emotions.
- (word usage) "Ma'am" <= that might be something used in America, but it isn't really the proper way to say it. Especially to a Vulcan...
- (placement) Near the Orion mobs, a rock has been placed too high. This means I was able to "walk inside the rock object".
- (placement) The ruins, the rop right corner's wall (when you look onto the map) is a little bit lower than the rest. Same with the bottom left and right corner. The bottom right corner seems to be clipping as well with the leftside wall.
- (continuity) "mother is worried sick" <= We're still talking about Vulcans... They can be worried alot, not sick.
- (typo) "interfearing" ==> "interfering"
- (continuity) The boff plant some charges, my option is to disable/shut down the jammer. After doing that, I dont get an explosion at all... Why mentioning charges? Oh wait... you have to walk out. You didn't mentioned to walk away..
Map 1; Vulcan space
- (combat) Combat was easy, nice way of stacking though.
- (interpunction) "Although , that" ==> "Although, that"
- (naming) "Wolf359" => "Wolf 359"
Map 2; Near Wolf
- (typo, capt Alys) "Zo far" ==> "So far"
- (typo) "We havn't" ==> "We haven't"
- (typo) "That iz where..." ==> "That is where"
- (grammer) "Report it to me" ==> "report it back to me"
- (typo/grammer) "Aye, capt" ==> "Aye captain"
- (grammer) "They must have been hidden" ==> "They must have been hiding"
- (grammer) "with in sensor range" ==> "within sensor range"
- (question) I Suppose Alys specifically talks with an accent or is supposed to talk with an accent? If zo, you might notify this with [Missioninfo] the first time you talk with her.
- (grammer) "Some how" ==> "Somehow"
Map 3; Kozak space stop, space edition
- (naming) Only the ships with any importance to the story is named, I would love to see the other ships named as well, just to show a bit of creativity. Let couple of them wander... Would make it a bit more interesting.
Map 4; Kozak space stop, ground edition
- (typo) "I've faught" ==> "I've fought"
- (npc) The female klingon lieutenant has a hologram animation?
- (continuity, kozak) "Hell no"? hmmm...
- (typo) "alittle" ==> "a little"
- (typo) "buisness" ==> "business"
- (capitalisation) ==> "HE sets it down" ==> "He..."
- (typo) buisness, once again..
- (note) Alwayssummer? Sometimesfall and Maybespring, funny... Ya never know what comes next..
- (typo) "Obsurdly" ==> "Absurdly"
- (grammer) "Nice meet you two" ==> "Nice meeting you two."
- (typo) "havn't decoded" ==> "haven't decoded".
- (note) The jailer is somewhat funny.
Map 5; Back in Space
- (note) Funny indeed, there's always a space fight after ground.
- (combat) I like it you haven't put too much combat in the map, it sure doesn't feel like a grind. Well done.
- (grammer, Gul) "while you are still living" ==> "While you're still alive".
- (grammer) "Fore" <== I don't get it..
- (interpunction) "..nose in our affairs. You will meet..." <== it's better to remove the period for readability.
Map 6; DS9
- (capitalisation) "ferengi" ==> "Ferengi"
- (naming) This is the only map you named the designations with U.S.S. instead USS. Well done, hope to see all USS designations being changed to U.S.S. TRIBBLE well.
Conclusion
I want to be honest, and I hope you don't mind. This mission didn't pulled me in, maps weren't bad, combat was great (compliments!). But the dialog, and also the little (naming) details... If you improve that, it might become quite something you could be proud of.
As I said before to others; It's your mission, you don't have to follow any points given; you are free to use or keep what you want .
PS; Oh, printscreens will be added on a later date.
That's quite the paradox, how could you nerf nerf when the nerf is nerfed. But how would the nerf be nerfed when the nerf is nerfed? This allows the nerf not to be nerfed since the nerf is nerfed? But if the nerf isn't nerfed, it could still nerf nerfs. But as soon as the nerf is nerfed, the nerf power is lost. So paradoxally it the nerf nerf lost its nerf, while it's still nerfed, which cannot be because the nerf was unable to nerf.
That's quite the paradox, how could you nerf nerf when the nerf is nerfed. But how would the nerf be nerfed when the nerf is nerfed? This allows the nerf not to be nerfed since the nerf is nerfed? But if the nerf isn't nerfed, it could still nerf nerfs. But as soon as the nerf is nerfed, the nerf power is lost. So paradoxally it the nerf nerf lost its nerf, while it's still nerfed, which cannot be because the nerf was unable to nerf.
It reminded me of my first 2 missions..... before I tweaked them to be less tedious and grindy... Oh and double check your ground gear to make sure oyur away team has good gear... you'll need it.
That's quite the paradox, how could you nerf nerf when the nerf is nerfed. But how would the nerf be nerfed when the nerf is nerfed? This allows the nerf not to be nerfed since the nerf is nerfed? But if the nerf isn't nerfed, it could still nerf nerfs. But as soon as the nerf is nerfed, the nerf power is lost. So paradoxally it the nerf nerf lost its nerf, while it's still nerfed, which cannot be because the nerf was unable to nerf.
A playthrough mission is written while playing.. This means that if I find something of interest (error/problem/well though out design) OR some kind of emotional experience like an instant *wow* or *aww* reaction I'll write it up as such. The order doesn't always seem logical, but that's how I've played it.
At moment of writing I've been enjoying a continuing 3-day headache. I might have missed couple of grammer or other issues because of this. I try to keep it as detailed as possible.
Mission starter (including mission description):
- (mission description, capitalisation) "federation" ==> "Federation".
- (mission description, grammer) "things are not all that they seem" ==> "things are not all what they seem".
- (mission description, note) Your mission description is rather short, you haven't written where the starting point of the mission is. Oh and a little tip: use a bit of colors (Missioninfo for green, OOC for yellow) to differentiate the different messages (for example; some space and ground combat green, updated yellow)
- (mission starter, continuity A) This is a strange starter; the mission description states I was asked by a Federation Admiral for assistance against an incursion; but the starter says I got hailed by a terran ship??
- (mission starter, continuity I get a hail from a Terran ship, but it's designation is U.S.S., not I.S.S..
- (mission starter, capitalisation) "terrans" => "Terrans"
- (mission starter, information) Ah, I dropped your mission and tried the other option... This gives me a bit more information about this admiral. Unfortunatly it's a rather big blob of text. My suggestion is to split this text in two dialog boxes.
- (mission starter, storyline/context) "I am not evil" <== Considering the Mirror universe don't count themself as evil (POV), he can't really call himself "not evil".
- (mission starter, note) It might be better of you let the dialog with the other option flow into this informative one. It helps the player to get a picture of what you're telling here.
- (mission starter, note) "It would be an honor" is just a bit too much to say it to an admiral if you don't have any history with him.
Map 1; Outskirts
- (note) Nice effect you used for the portal. I myst say though... When you start in this map your ship is pointing in the wrong direction, doing a 180 with a cruiser... well..
- (continuity) Where does the Klingon patrols come from? Oh and even though I have to shoot them it's funny to see them shooting the terrans first .
- (naming) Most of the enemies has standard ship names; ShiKahr Class starship (or how it is called)
- (combat) Even though the combat is forces, it's easy. Couple of FAW's and it was done with.
- (interpunction) It's pretty obvious you use commas quite extensively. Most sentences can usually continue without a necessary comma being used.
- (question) "I am in orbit about DS9" <== Do you mean he will be hold his position near DS9?
- (typo) What about you? > "dipolmatic" ==> "diplomatic"
- (grammer) "talk to the Klingons" ==> "talk to Klingons"
Map 2; Risa
- (placement) This was a peculiar warp-in. Because the starting point is pointing away from the planet it's letting me warp in "through" the planet.
- (trigger) When I need to find the romulan ship, I actually have to touch it multiple times before the trigger states that I've found it.
- (Storyline) When you're hailing the romulan, she says "Excuse me, but..". The romulans aren't always that polite .
- (capitalisation) "starfleet captain" ==> "Starfleet Captain"
- (continuity) The Prime Universe version of the admiral is at DS9? So... The Prime version was actually in the mirror universe while the mirror version was in the prime one? ...
Map 3; DS9
- (map usage) Did you use an actual DS9 map (with the wormhole effect)? Because it's totally empty, no effect and all.
- (note) It's getting a bit on my nerves that every task is *behind* the starting point. Those 180-turns I need to do after *every* map-load is kind of... Grumlz
- (naming) Typhoon class starship, etc. It would be much nicer if you name all individual ships.
- (interpunctions) While you named the romulan and fed ships with interpunction, the KDF hasn't. (IKS instead of I.K.S.)
- (naming) "FX - Portal - Mirror Universe" <== It would be a bit better if you rename this to something readable.
- (animation) After you're entering the portal, my ships shows the warp-out animation. Fun, but pretty useless since 3 seconds later my ship is back..
Map 4; DS9 mirror
- (note) Well, the same empty space unfortunatly, no wormhole effects.
Map 5; DS9 mirror interior
- (note) Does it says "barl", or "bar!" (task list "fight your way to the ...")?
- (playability) Most players are focused at space combat, not ground combat. Making 7 mobs forced to kill, it's not really that fun (it has to support the story)
- (continuity) The Portal generator is... a dabo table? Really? Why is it floating in the air?
Map 6; DS9, back in space
- (note) Again, a 180-turn is needed...
- (note) Nice battle
- (dialog) Try to keep the given reactions a bit more neutral. A reaction like "You sicken me" can let other players think like "he, my char doesn't talk like that!"
Map 7; Dewa
- (placement) Why are there three Orion's Fist's on the map?
- (trigger) The trigger to reach the planet is way(!) too small. I simply can't reach it. The planet you have to reach has some kind of collision box which keeps me from actually get to the planet, and thus the trigger...
That's quite the paradox, how could you nerf nerf when the nerf is nerfed. But how would the nerf be nerfed when the nerf is nerfed? This allows the nerf not to be nerfed since the nerf is nerfed? But if the nerf isn't nerfed, it could still nerf nerfs. But as soon as the nerf is nerfed, the nerf power is lost. So paradoxally it the nerf nerf lost its nerf, while it's still nerfed, which cannot be because the nerf was unable to nerf.
Playthrough Mission: MAYHEM EP 1 - Cute, Fuzzy Things - @hippiejohn
A playthrough mission is written while playing.. This means that if I find something of interest (error/problem/well though out design) OR some kind of emotional experience like an instant *wow* or *aww* reaction I'll write it up as such. The order doesn't always seem logical, but that's how I've played it.
I would have to give you at least 4/5 solely based on your current sig . Oh and I finally updated my NVIDIA drivers from 211 to 320... WOW.
Mission starter (including mission description):
- (mission description, color) Flawlessly written description. I would suggest using either missioninfo or ooc for "Author's note:", just to distuingish it a bit more.
- (mission starter, question) I presume you've actually meant her to speak Pakled-like? I saw "name given me" where probably "name given to me" was meant, unless it was purposely written that way.
- (note) I don't see a starter location mentioned in the mission description, but it is mentioned in the starter dialog AND the task list. Well done.
- (capitalisation) "Slow Down" ==> isn't "Slow down" a bit more suitable?
- (note, dialog) When you're finishing the dialog with the DJ, it might be wise to use Missioninfo to say where you need to go, just as a pointer.
Map 1; P'Jem
- (note) I didn't knew the Risian corvette was actually available at the foundry? Wow.
- (suggestion, dialog) You used "[Rank] !", while "[Rank]!" would look a bit better in the actual dialog.
- (question) What does "for the photo op" mean?
- (note) Redshirt Rob, how to make it more obvious .
- (note) Noooooooooo, not the friendly purple squid thingies (Nanovs)! I saw them and totally forgot they were evil!
- (placement) I was walking around a bit at the map, and saw the pattern enhancers standing in the pond... Well it seems you've put couple of invisible walls around the pond. I eventually was able to get inside this space by the right side of the forcefield. Why a forcefield by the way?
- (grammer) "...is repaired second hand..." ==> "...is repaired with second hand..."
- (grammer) "...to shut it down here?" ==> "...to shut it down from here?"
- (question choice of words) "farther on" => doesn't "further on" sounds just a bit better?
- (interpunction) "The animals they've..." ==> "The animals, they've"
- (note) No disappearing NPC's after dialog; well done
- (capitalisation, Astrid) "Continue On" <== I don't think On has to be capitalised.
- (note) Awww, the cute little epohhs.... Whaaaaa! Evil furry animals!
- (grammer) "How big a cave structure inside?" <== "How big is the cavern structure inside".
- (note) If you say you have enjoyed or lolled writing these dialogs, I could understand. A Jem, talking about the teeth of Epohh's. Priceless
Map 2; Cave
- (note) Have I said this mission is too funny?
- (word usage in dialog Miranda) Three times "whatever's" in a dialog.
- (interpunction) Is that a comma instead of a period? "You go check on her,"
- (note for after a DC) Oh by the way, I had to temporarily get out of your mission (to continue later on), but had difficulty finding the cave.. Maybe a map-wide change map after hitting a trigger to "open" the cave or something?
- (placement) Nice floor structures
- (continuity) I was able to hit a trigger which tells me I would attract the Epohh's a certain way, even though I hadn't talked to Rhonda yet.
- (note) Awwww the redshirt, WHO would ever had suspected that?
- (question) Which mob did you use with Rhonda? I saw a Epohh throw a plasma grenade, was funny to see!
- (note) You wanted to make it a cartoony mission, I suggest giving your boffs a balloon popper (which I accidentally have on almost all of my boffs).
- (placement) The TOS closed door object must look like it's an opened door, unfortunatly it's "pivot point" doesn't really align up with the fence.
- (note) Commendations on "closing off" pieces of the map.
Map 3; *you want to know*?!
- (note) Funny ending , a new character introduced in the last possible second.
Conclusion:
Hippiejohn stated multiple times this mission was meant to be a cartoon. It brought a story and delivered. It was fun and combat wasn't hard at all. Even though it was a short mission, it seemed to get quite the attention for detail (except for 2 object placement problems). Fun guaranteed.
That's quite the paradox, how could you nerf nerf when the nerf is nerfed. But how would the nerf be nerfed when the nerf is nerfed? This allows the nerf not to be nerfed since the nerf is nerfed? But if the nerf isn't nerfed, it could still nerf nerfs. But as soon as the nerf is nerfed, the nerf power is lost. So paradoxally it the nerf nerf lost its nerf, while it's still nerfed, which cannot be because the nerf was unable to nerf.
Added two new KDF missions on my list, The Freebooter's Gambit and The Sins of the Fathers.
I will be able getting back to reviewing pretty darn soon again . It has been couple of hectic days but hope to have a bit more time on my hands the next couple of weeks.
That's quite the paradox, how could you nerf nerf when the nerf is nerfed. But how would the nerf be nerfed when the nerf is nerfed? This allows the nerf not to be nerfed since the nerf is nerfed? But if the nerf isn't nerfed, it could still nerf nerfs. But as soon as the nerf is nerfed, the nerf power is lost. So paradoxally it the nerf nerf lost its nerf, while it's still nerfed, which cannot be because the nerf was unable to nerf.
That's quite the paradox, how could you nerf nerf when the nerf is nerfed. But how would the nerf be nerfed when the nerf is nerfed? This allows the nerf not to be nerfed since the nerf is nerfed? But if the nerf isn't nerfed, it could still nerf nerfs. But as soon as the nerf is nerfed, the nerf power is lost. So paradoxally it the nerf nerf lost its nerf, while it's still nerfed, which cannot be because the nerf was unable to nerf.
A playthrough mission is written while playing.. This means that if I find something of interest (error/problem/well though out design) OR some kind of emotional experience like an instant *wow* or *aww* reaction I'll write it up as such. The order doesn't always seem logical, but that's how I've played it.
At moment of writing I've been refitting my Andorian Charal Escort with Elachi DHC's and enhanced RCS/Neut... Been testing in Ker'rat, AWESOME! Secretly Hoping to get loads of nice space combat.
Mission starter (including mission description):
- (mission description, interpunctions) "...government, and..." the "and" isn't needed.
- (mission starter dialog, word usage) "...in accordance with the federation's treaty with..." 2x "with" close to eachother in one sentence. I suggest writing it in such a way you can circumvent this (it improves readability or "textual smoothness") .
- (mission starter dialog, answer) "...get into bed with the..." <== That's kind of a blunt statement. People may say things like "my captain don't talk like that!".
Map 1; Herghelis System
- (word usage) "reinforcements closing fast!" <== I personally had to lol about this (oh noes, the fed is coming, close all windows and doors!). Did you mean "closing in"?
- (naming) All the space enemies had their default names.
- (dialog) "on viewer" is usually called "on viewscreen".
Conclusion;
This one was... short. I haven't yet tried your series, so I can't really see what this part means in the whole. No real typo's found, so well done. Might do a reread in the next couple of days to see if I might have missed something.
That's quite the paradox, how could you nerf nerf when the nerf is nerfed. But how would the nerf be nerfed when the nerf is nerfed? This allows the nerf not to be nerfed since the nerf is nerfed? But if the nerf isn't nerfed, it could still nerf nerfs. But as soon as the nerf is nerfed, the nerf power is lost. So paradoxally it the nerf nerf lost its nerf, while it's still nerfed, which cannot be because the nerf was unable to nerf.
A playthrough mission is written while playing.. This means that if I find something of interest (error/problem/well though out design) OR some kind of emotional experience like an instant *wow* or *aww* reaction I'll write it up as such. The order doesn't always seem logical, but that's how I've played it.
Going strong in my Andy at the moment. Had a wonderful Ker'rat session yesterday, hope to get a bit more space practice today.
Mission starter (including mission description):
- (mission description, introduction) "Unexpected Undine debris are entering..." reads a bit strange. You might change it into "Undine debris is unexpecteldy entering..."
- (mission description, note) "realizes" seemed rather strange, until I found that this was actual US spelling. So nvm .
- (mission task list) While you've written where to go in your mission description, I'm missing it in my task list. The task I see is "Mission Briefing", it might be wise to add ".. at the Bomari System"
Map 1; SB 653
- (mission word) "...is waiting for in the..." ==> "...is waiting for you in the..."
- (suggestion, grammer) "I am ready to hear the briefing." might be changed into "I am ready for the briefing" to improve readability (or the "flow" sort-to-speak).
- (suggestion, grammer) "what is causing this to happen?" ==> "Do you know what might be causing this?"
- (grammer) "That... is what I need you do." ==> "That... is what I need you for." or "That... is what I need you to investigate."
- (suggestion, word choice) "...last place..." ==> "...last coordinates..."
- (grammer) "..a Undine.." ==> "..an Undine.."
- (grammer) "Anything new I find out, I will keep you updated" ==> "I will keep you updated as soon as we have more information."
- (grammer) "why pick me" ==> "Why have you picked me"
- (grammer) "I have looked over your Starfleet record personally and I believe you are the perfect person for this" ==> "I have peronally looked over your Starfleet records and I believe you're the best one fitted for this mission".
- (grammer) "Me and the crew of SB..." ==> "The crew of SB and I..."
- (grammer) "causing it for me" ==> "causing this disturbance"
- (interpunction, Kinnear) "...help you with [Rank]" ==> "...help you with, [Rank]"
- (typo, Kinnear) "desserted" ==> "deserted"
- (note) Quite the NPC's you've placed inside this map. Not bad!
- (note) K'Ehlawr sounds remarkably like "Cooler". Cool.
- (word usage) "shuttle craft pilot" ==> "shuttlecraft pilot"
- (grammer, Francesca) "Even if they settled everything up" <== "up" is unnecessary.
- (grammer, Francesca) "...with something more heroic." ==> "... somewhat more heroic." or "...by something more heroic."
- (question) I.S.S. Renegade?? I believe I didn't saw it being mentioned before that it was about a mirror ship?
- (note) Seeing starfleet captains flying breen ships; lol!
- (note SPOILER ALERT) The Air piano; hilarious!
- (grammer, cherut) "...with renegade..." ==> "...within renegade..."
- (grammer, cherut) "reporting of duty" ==> "reporting for duty"
- (grammer, cherut) "a instructor" ==> "an instructor"
- (typo, marlow) "when back" ==> "went back"
- (note) Marlowe... awww... you depicted her pretty well
- (interpunction, catta) No . on the end of "all ears"
- (typo, catta) "conselor" ==> "counselor"
- (typo, Ramirez) "acutal" ==> "actual"
- (typo, Ramirez) "becuase" ==> "because"
- (typo, Ramirez) "habbits" ==> "habits" or "rabbits"
Map 2 ; SB 653 space
- (note) You've probably heard it before, but a map transfer where you enter a map, just to transfer to another map... It's not really that appreciated. Mainly because map loading takes quite an amount of time... However, you can overcome this by letting your boff say "do you want to beam up, and head onto *map to go*?".
- (naming) Quite the base/starbase you've setup here. It's honestly ashame all the spaceships having their original name "miranda class frigate", etc.
Map 3; XI Casio
- (note) AMAZING effect, using the colored backdrop, including the red nebulae like you did.
- (typo, task) "remianing" ==> "remaining"
Map 4; Fluidic
- (placement) Your starting point doesn't seem to be aligned with the fluidic portal FX. When I warped it, it seem s like i warped in on the far left side of the portal.
- (dialog continuity) The undine says "I though I was a goner for sure!" <== This sounds a bit.. strange.. coming from an alien, more or less an undine.
- (dialog continuity) When you press "i'll head to the coordinates", the dialog top still says "Why should i? For all i know it could be a trap!".. Next to that, the dialog doesn't seem to be that undine-ish if you know what I mean.
- (dialog continuity) After the spacecombat, the undine gives transport coordinates, without explaining how and why.
Map 5; Facility
- (note) Congrats!! You've closed off the rest of the map in case the dialog isn't stsarted yet. Well done!
- (typo, unknown ally) "Alrght, I will..." ==> "Alright"
- (naming) Most of the undine have standard names like "Unknown ally". It isn't bad, but personally I would like some more individuality (more names or designations then there's now).
- (note) I like the details you've added to the main hall. All the different undines typing on consoles and such. Three different NPC talks as far as I've counted. Have you tried putting some NPC's on wander?
- (typo, NPC talk Psi) "we have to be paitent" ==> "we have to be patient"
- (typo, dialog Psi) "taken a single shot agaisnt you" ==> "against".
- (typo, dialog after tap) "causing too much interfernce" ==> "interference"
- (continuity) Undine seperatist saying "Starfleet is really amazing" sounds just a bit.. odd. Especially when it says they never ever seen starfleet before. A tiny bit scepticism would be healthy.
- (typo) "you have done anything wrong" ==> "haven't"
- (grammer) "one of own" ==> "one of our own"
- (continuity, Rochelle) "Howdy"; Strange.. A, a ranger..
- (detail) "use console" ==> "use Communications Panel"
- (note) WHAHAHAHA, most humoristic thing ever. Winter event coordinator, roflol. Did press random buttons until the end. Priceless.
- (note) Oh, I want to give you compliments of creating all those extra optional dialogs. It really is a good addition to this mission (and totally in line with the story). Well done.
Map 6; Evac
- (note) Fun combat, not much grammer mistakes or anything. Nice followup.
Map 7; SB653 space
- (note) Only used for story transfer. Be careful with this; people with slower connections will have to wait quite a while with every new map load.
Map 8; planet
- (note) Map design == beautiful.
- (typo, dialog admiral) "Admital Tshana" ==> "Admiral"
- (naming) There's one NPC called "Undine Ensign Male 02"
Conclusion;
Your mission was struggling a bit at the start. It went well, but not that "smooth". Those grammer mistakes might have contributed with it. Nonetheless, your map designs are alive and well thought out. Congrats!
Oh, and on another note; I had to quit your mission twice due to reallife passing through, I had no problem at all restarting at the point I left off. Well done.
That's quite the paradox, how could you nerf nerf when the nerf is nerfed. But how would the nerf be nerfed when the nerf is nerfed? This allows the nerf not to be nerfed since the nerf is nerfed? But if the nerf isn't nerfed, it could still nerf nerfs. But as soon as the nerf is nerfed, the nerf power is lost. So paradoxally it the nerf nerf lost its nerf, while it's still nerfed, which cannot be because the nerf was unable to nerf.
Well, I must say you're well on your way . When I was getting my bicycle back from the bike repair shop I had to think back to this mission; and that's something you want to have as an author.
That's quite the paradox, how could you nerf nerf when the nerf is nerfed. But how would the nerf be nerfed when the nerf is nerfed? This allows the nerf not to be nerfed since the nerf is nerfed? But if the nerf isn't nerfed, it could still nerf nerfs. But as soon as the nerf is nerfed, the nerf power is lost. So paradoxally it the nerf nerf lost its nerf, while it's still nerfed, which cannot be because the nerf was unable to nerf.
A playthrough mission is written while playing.. This means that if I find something of interest (error/problem/well though out design) OR some kind of emotional experience like an instant *wow* or *aww* reaction I'll write it up as such. The order doesn't always seem logical, but that's how I've played it.
Still in my Andorian, the Elachi space weapons are marvelous. Now with the latest XII Neutroniums and Elite Warpcore it's a joy to PVP/PVE. I wonder what this mission brings!
Mission starter (including mission description):
- (mission description) No typo's found, well done. I would like to see a blank space (empty new line) between the mission intro, part of serie of 5 and the four points which explain what the player will expect.
- (mission description) There's no mentioning in the mission description where to start (useful when you want to restart after a busy day).
- (mission starter dialog) Pretty short, you've mentioned the starting location with a mentioning about a mission description for more info (which isn't that informative; it's fine for an introduction but too short to be informative).
- (mission starter task name) When you have a busy day ahead, you usually go and acquire all the missions you want to do later that day. Adding the place where you need to start helps those people.
Map 1; Imaga VI space
- (design) The rocks, docking stations and gate is a pretty decent map all together. Unfortunatly i have to turn my cam to see all that. That's a bummer.
- (note) It's quite a large map, but I am missing a little bit of life on this map. There aren't any ships wandering around or an patrol.
- (grammer) "Transport Aboard the Engineering Teams" ==> "Transport the Engineering teams aboard".
- (continuity, dialog Emma) I would place "How does Quantum..." behind "why have we been asked here?". Getting the ability to ask that after the first round is like "what the... is Quantum...?"
- (note) No typo's found at this moment. But the manner of writing is kind of "heavy", like you're reading blobs of text. It might help if you split your dialog in multiple paragraphs.
- (continuity) Emma is talking about an interference field around the gate, it might be better to let this "field" turn visible after this dialog. I already hit this effect when I was roaming around the map (before the dialog).
Map 2; Unknown space
- (note) The backdrop design after you warp in... Nice!
- (designation) This is more or less nitpicking, so don't take it too serious; I usually like the designations like "U.S.S." instead of the "USS" used in your mission.
- (note) High humidity and heat; pretty well taken over from ST:FC. Don't forget the atmospheric pressure being ten kilopascals above normal .
- (suggestion) "I need options" might be a bit forced. I usually use this in my dialogs: "Does anyone have a suggestion?".
- (dialog, "Options") Instead of [Rank], [NickName] or whatever is used. A boff don't usually name their superior by there name.
Map 3; On the ship
- (note, NPC talk) Inaprovaline, research well done!
- (dialog) "we have dying here" ==> "we have dying crewmembers here"
- (map design) Well done with the fedship/borg design!! It's spacious but it fits rather well. Congrats.
- (placement) There's a drone beaming down in a structure at the 2nd inhibitor.
Map 4; bridge
- (note) The design! Whahaha, a bit over the top!
- (note, NPC talk) They assimilated the favorite console, roflolable.
Map 5; space
- (enemies) They seem quite weak, especially the tac. Or I might be wrong?
- (typo, task) "beam aboard th crew..." ==> the
- (placement) The luna seemed to be placed inside a structure, I can still see it nacelles. It was kind of though to trigger the reach marker as well.
Map 6; back
- (note) Nice ending; no typo's and/or anything peculiar
- (naming) The extra ships don't have any designations or names.
That's quite the paradox, how could you nerf nerf when the nerf is nerfed. But how would the nerf be nerfed when the nerf is nerfed? This allows the nerf not to be nerfed since the nerf is nerfed? But if the nerf isn't nerfed, it could still nerf nerfs. But as soon as the nerf is nerfed, the nerf power is lost. So paradoxally it the nerf nerf lost its nerf, while it's still nerfed, which cannot be because the nerf was unable to nerf.
That's quite the paradox, how could you nerf nerf when the nerf is nerfed. But how would the nerf be nerfed when the nerf is nerfed? This allows the nerf not to be nerfed since the nerf is nerfed? But if the nerf isn't nerfed, it could still nerf nerfs. But as soon as the nerf is nerfed, the nerf power is lost. So paradoxally it the nerf nerf lost its nerf, while it's still nerfed, which cannot be because the nerf was unable to nerf.
Comments
hmmm...I know one of them is a stationary contact...I'll double check that. I suppose if all else fails I can just delete them and re-make them--possibly something got borked in the publishing process ...
It... might be the platform where you spawn on :eek:, when I walk over it with my boffs they suddenly change location to the center of the platform.
I call it, the Stoutes paradox.
You know, I moved some of those off that platform and it stopped happening in the play through.
I call it, the Stoutes paradox.
A playthrough mission is written while playing.. This means that if I find something of interest (error/problem/well though out design) OR some kind of emotional experience like an instant *wow* or *aww* reaction I'll write it up as such. The order doesn't always seem logical, but that's how I've played it.
Time for me to try out the new Marauder Patrol Cruiser, called it "Tagliata Steak" to keep it in my Klink's theme.
Note: I was unable to finish this mission (SOLVED!) but... I was really impressed by the quality overall that it's certainly worth a replay
Mission starter (including mission description):
- (mission description) Practically no typo's or grammer issues! You've used quite a bit of comma's, but that's nit-pikking
- (mission description) Would love to see the location where I need to go being colored (either yellow with [OOC] or green [Missioninfo]).
- (mission starter) Roflolling here; "The Tagliata Steak is to accompany the squadron..."
- (note) Well done, nice way to start a mission
Map 1; Ansa'Ra space
- (note) You've named both ships, nice!
- (suggestion) It seems that the planet and moons are all on the same Y-axis. Try to play a bit with putting the one higher or lower than the other. Only to make it more playful though.
- (question) "neutral beam down" <== What do you mean with "neutral"?
- (note) Well designed eldery Klingon, certainly not the standard face.
- (note) Rather few actions in this map.
Map 2; The City
- (question) Baltz, House of Kreg. You've written that he was the offspring of Azetbur and Toq. That would certainly be... curious. If we look ro canon storytelling this would be the daughter of Gorkon, house of Makok. Funny thing here: Gorkon's father is named Toq (memory beta).
- (note) Just gone through all the genealogy, now I understand ^^.
- (placement/NPC) It seems like the NPC's are being relocated over the platform. It starts at center, walks for about a metre and return back to center. <== Already been handled.
- (suggestion; dialog) When I do "The Places of AnSa'ra" I can't return to the main dialog tree.
- (suggestion; dialog) When reading through "Citizend of AnSa'ra" when I want to return to the Citizens list I'll be returned to "The Great Houses" instead (I probably understand how/why this has be done that way, but it's rather confusing).
- (suggestion; dialog) Instead of "Back to part *" I would suggest calling it by it's name "Part *: {title}"
- (suggestion; dialog) "Kahless and the Marakan Slaves" doesn't have a return button as well.
- (suggestion; dialog) "The Survival Ritual" doesn't have it either.
- (note) It's ashame i didn't bring my I.K.S. Strawberry Jam with me... "It is good the Tagliata Steak has arrived" <== I keep roflolling whenever I see that.
- (typo) "to long to assert" <== "too long to assert"
- (suggestion) I would add a comma after this sentence "The battle father must fight".
- (continuity) Why do you let Kamato beam out and in after finishing it's dialog?
- (continuity) Same with Klag/Tumek after finishing Klag's dialog?
- (grammer) "...pack of Ferengi ! and over nothing!" ==> "...pack of Ferengi! And over nothing!"
- (note) Looking at the city from a distance... Quite the work you invested.
Map 3; Hall
- (playability) Even though you only used a tiny bit of the map, I was able run around the whole map. I would suggesting limiting access by either a map, forcefield or whatever.
- (note) nothing really to report here, well done.
Map 4; Lodge
- (note) starting location looks quite peaceful, little white fluffy stuff floating in the air... NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! WE. ARE. KLINGON.!! <= great starting location.
- (placement) I've been roaming around the map (haven't started the first task yet) to see how it is designed. Once again pretty well done. Numerous names NPC's, etc. But there's a stair (made by round building blocks) where the second step from above seem to be placed just a bit too high.
- (clipping) I like how you made the inside court by placing walls around the halls. Unfortunatly it seems like some of these walls are clipping with eachother. If you want to keep it placed this way, try to put one just around 0.05 higher or lower then the following walls.
- (typo) "nod in acknowldgement" ==> "not in acknowledgement"
- (personal note) I don't want to whine, but I don't really like people fading away after you're done talking. But as I said again; purely personal opinion.
- (costume) Askade's earpiece looks out of place
- (typo) "neice" ==> "niece"
- (strange sentence) "your mouth is too open while your brain is shut off" ==> "your mouth talks faster than your brain can think/perceive/process"
- (continuity) A phantasm? O.o Why would be there a phantasm when fighting targs?
- (clothing) The cardassian has romulan clothing?
- (coloring) The cardassian has a purple hue
- (placement) Molars foot stands inside the cardassian's back
- (lol) He never stops talking about his loD'Du, doesn't he?
Map 5; Back to the city
- (note) The Loresinger... again? Why do I get him (again) when entering the map?
- (triggers?) Is there a trigger that adds a moving patrol mob when you walk closer to the Klingon civilians? They beam in, why not already visible?
- (backdrop) It's night, awesome. Great moon as well. I don't know if can do anything about it but I see the stars through the moon?
- (possible typo) "raucus" => "raucous"
- (possible typo) "will fast in silence" => "will vast in silence" (this I don't know for sure though)
On a sidenote; it seems you've spend loads of time in your dialogs and the storytelling in a whole, it shows.
Map 6; Facility 15
- (placement) The warrior platform is floating just above the ground, you may modify the Y-axis a bit. (I was looking towards the building)
- (trigger) It seemed "head into village" trigger was too big, I was already inside the trigger when it became available. I had to walk back out and walk back in the trigger.
- (suggestion) There are no visual ques whatsoever. I have to be completely dependant of the map to see where I have to go. I would love to see certain visual ques which help me to point where to go.
- (note) Easy ambush mob, I like that. Why? It fits the story so far. One thing though; why do they all wear romulan clothing?
- (note) Lots of cargo crates. Even though it lookes great from a distance, if you look more closely 90% of them all stand perfectly straight next to eachother. Turn a couple to create a bit more disorder in the facility (as you want to "give" by dropping all those fights there).
- (placement) Some cardassians seem to float a tiny bit above the ground. Some cardassians have rocks laying through them (neer the Klingon body task).
- (coloring) The trustee looks definitly purple. His uniform, even though romulan, looks more cardy-like than the shirt the normal slaves wear.
- (capitalisation) Task 12 and 13; task nr 12 ==".. Klingon Bodies", task nr 13 == "..more Klingon bodies"
- (playability) I have to praise how you added combat in your mission. My klink isn't well kitted or skilled; it was quite easy to do. Adding friendlies in the fight helped as well. It did not felt as a grind which really helps your mission for replayability.
Map 7; Banquet
- (note) You have closed off the entrance to the rest of the map. It seems you've already read through some of my reviews
- (note) Klingon Talk! Wonderfull to see all those textballoons with all those texts coming up!
- (note) Darn! Other side is blocked as well! Well done!
- (note) No noticable typo or grammer errors found.
Map 8; Banquet Night
- (note) Does the loresinger never sleeps?... Ah the Molar/K'nera song.
- (placement) One of the K'mtar warriors was waiting half on top of a building.
- (typo) "Approachs" ==> "Approaches"
- (capitalisation) "...at the unknown klingon" <== "Klingon"
- (placement) Mr. K and Mr. T are already laying there on the ground even before the dialog says what happened to them, am I correct?
- (Gamebreaker) I was unable to touch the "Fighting Retreat to Krag Hall" trigger. <== This might be caused by the Building/Construction directly on top of the trigger (that it levels too high).
I was Unable to continue. <== SOLVED!
Review continuation:
- (placement) I was able to get that trigger working; it seems that two mobs are activated, am I correct? If so, it seems that one of the mobs get stuck in the ground.
Map 9; Hall
- (note) Nice dialogs and following story. No noticable errors found.
Map 10; The Lodge
- (placement) Wandering the map, looking for objects or NPC's from previous Lodge map. The dead cardassian is still here.
- (grammer) "{captainname} warn my father" ==> "{captainname}, warn my father"
- (note) A true Romeo and Juliet story... Sad.
Map 11; Space
- (naming) When you're finished talking to Moklor it seems that his ship hasn't got the correct name; it still got his standard name "Vor'cha Battle Cruiser".
5/5 due to story and incredible detail in dialog.
I call it, the Stoutes paradox.
I will say the loresinger pops on the city map each time just to give the player the opportunity to access him again...just in case they blew threw him the first time.
I had blocks in Map 3 before, or so I thought. I had put one in there originally, the same as the wall in the Map 7...hmmm...maybe I took it out for some reason I can't recall.
In general the slave clothes are items that look serf-ish...they likely wouldn't be in Klingon or Cardassian outfits. The skin color looks more gray on my machine, maybe I'll have to check that out.
The beam ins/outs on Map 2 are to replace contacts with fighting avatars, etc.
lol, no apparently the Loresinger never sleeps...he see's all
Thanks a bunch! I'll go over these and see about that trigger that caused problems to make you stop.
Up to you if you want to or not. I honestly couldn't care even if I had to wait a long time for it.
It might help if you make the Loresinger optional (as in; make a platform he can stand on, and use a dialog on him) <== this is only meant as a suggestion.
The last couple of days I had problems with objects appearing in the wrong Y-coordinates. Even though it was 0 ground-based, it showed itself -6 or something. I had to change all the coordinates to solve this problem. The mission I am building on uses a Klingon map as well; I use the civilian(?) doors which are also found in Drozana, etc. These doors are just wide enough (barely) to fit in the doorways. Why no Klingon doors? They didn't show up in preview mode so I ditched them.
The Cardassians are massively purple, I try to post a screenshot as soon as I get home. The shirts they wear were yellowish/greenish; I would give them a bit more brownish/redish coloring (with an ivory white stripe if possible), but yet again that would be my personal taste :P.
So he does
I totally forgot the actual name of the structure that was the probable cause of the problem; the Archway.
Thank you for updating your mission
I call it, the Stoutes paradox.
I call it, the Stoutes paradox.
Updated the review.
I call it, the Stoutes paradox.
Excellent
Homesick Heroes by Amahood:
- All suited up to enter the cave
Survival must be earned by Malize
- Purple Cardie one still visible after returning to lodge
- More Purples, one in the stoneage, the other floating around
- Another Purple, now held down with a feet inside his back
- Purple's dialog
- Floating step
- Wall clipping 1
- Wall clipping 2
- Transparent moon <== Which I saw was fixed by using an awesome nebulae backdrop.
- City view.
These are unrelated to foundry, but looked way too cool not to add.
- Romulan patrol
- Red FTW
I am sorry if I've offended anyone with the image titles, a day without humor is a day without sun.
Fyi these images were uploaded into imgur, unfortunatly it seems they compromise in quality as well, so I unfortunatly can't do anything about the JPG artifacts visible.
I call it, the Stoutes paradox.
Star Trek: Saturn: Ep. I (Intro) - @alysvanya
Star Trek: Saturn: Ep. II - @alysvanya
My previews are a bit slowed by my own foundry work :rolleyes:, will be back soon here though!
I call it, the Stoutes paradox.
A playthrough mission is written while playing.. This means that if I find something of interest (error/problem/well though out design) OR some kind of emotional experience like an instant *wow* or *aww* reaction I'll write it up as such. The order doesn't always seem logical, but that's how I've played it.
It has been a long time I've used my Defiant Retrofit "U.S.S. One Vision". Put some adv. fleet Andorian DHC's [dmg]x2 [acc]x2 on it. Let there be space fights!!
Mission starter (including mission description):
- (mission description, grammer) You used "This series" 3x close to eachother; 90% of the players won't notice this, but it's something that catches my eye.
- (mission description, note) No typo's found, mission starter colored and sector/location mentioned. Well done.
- (mission starter) We're receiving a message, then nothing... You've colored "Go to Vulcan" with [Missioninfo], although your dialog won't specifically states that that is the message you received.
- (Suggestion, task) My tasklist states "Mr. Wise Vulcan" as a first task, it doesn't tell me where to go... If my wife want's to go do errants and I only have the time to open the mission. Well, where do I need to go when I'm finally home again? (I've been married long enough to now "getting some errants" means you're out for hours *sigh*)..
- (typo) Starting at Vulcan; "Opperation" ==> "Operation"
- (typo) "shed alittle" ==> "shed a little"
- (typo) "rendezvouz" ==> "rendezvous"
- (typo) "assits" ==> "assist"
- (grammer suggestion) "Remember she is the officer in charge so what she says goes." ==> "Remember; she's the Officer in Charge, so what she says, goes."
- (question) I don't understand how "Be on your way" could fit in the context you've set in your dialog.
Map 1; Vulcan
- (note) Interesting to see a Vulcan with borg hand attachment (like 7 of 9) kneeling like she lost her hope/logic/etc. Nice detail. It's ashame she doesn't seem to have anything to say.
- (suggestion) Vulcan civilian near the fountain looks exactly like the vulcan civilian near the path you must follow. This might suggest to people that you didn't want to invest too much into this mission (even though you might have poured your heart and soul in it
- (suggestion) All the Vulcans in this map is called "Vulcan civilian". Giving them names and something to talk gives the map bit more life. Look here for a Vulcan name generator widget.
- (suggestion, dialog) "highly respected person" ==> it's a Vulcan, right? If so, then you can call it like "highly respected Vulcan".
- (suggestion, interpunction) "Welcome to Vulcan [Rank]" ==> "Welcome to Vulcan, [Rank]"
- (naming) "Star Base" ==> "Starbase"
- (grammer) "However, no ships detected or evidence of weapons fire" ==> "However, no ships were detected in it's vicinity and no weapons fire was detected."
- (grammer) "What exactly is uridium" ==> What is Uridium, exactly?
- (readability) "...electricity it is hightly..." ==> "...electricity it's hightly..."
- (typo) "endever" ==> "endeavor" <= To be honest I think "attempt" would fit a bit better in this sentence.
- (typo) "...to beam you back to the the [Shipname]" <= Double "the"
- (typo) "Of corse" ==> "Ofcourse"
- (dialog) I haven't got any option to go against the farmer or ask for more information from him.
- (typo, dialog/task) "The Sehlot", while your task says "Sehlet".
- (typo, task) "Over Grown" ==> "Overgrown"
- (capitalisation) "Daughter" ==> "daughter"
- (capitalisation) "I will see what i can..." ==> "I will see what I can..."
- (grammer, mother) "This unlike her" ==> "This is unlike her"
- (typo) "cloud have gone" ==> "could have gone"
- (continuity) The mother says she has difficulty holding back her emotions; Vulcans have a long history of holding back emotions. Spock being half Vulcan, half human tends him to be more prone to emotions. Vulcans itself have difficulty showing/allowing emotions.
- (word usage) "Ma'am" <= that might be something used in America, but it isn't really the proper way to say it. Especially to a Vulcan...
- (placement) Near the Orion mobs, a rock has been placed too high. This means I was able to "walk inside the rock object".
- (placement) The ruins, the rop right corner's wall (when you look onto the map) is a little bit lower than the rest. Same with the bottom left and right corner. The bottom right corner seems to be clipping as well with the leftside wall.
- (continuity) "mother is worried sick" <= We're still talking about Vulcans... They can be worried alot, not sick.
- (typo) "interfearing" ==> "interfering"
- (continuity) The boff plant some charges, my option is to disable/shut down the jammer. After doing that, I dont get an explosion at all... Why mentioning charges? Oh wait... you have to walk out. You didn't mentioned to walk away..
Map 1; Vulcan space
- (combat) Combat was easy, nice way of stacking though.
- (interpunction) "Although , that" ==> "Although, that"
- (naming) "Wolf359" => "Wolf 359"
Map 2; Near Wolf
- (typo, capt Alys) "Zo far" ==> "So far"
- (typo) "We havn't" ==> "We haven't"
- (typo) "That iz where..." ==> "That is where"
- (grammer) "Report it to me" ==> "report it back to me"
- (typo/grammer) "Aye, capt" ==> "Aye captain"
- (grammer) "They must have been hidden" ==> "They must have been hiding"
- (grammer) "with in sensor range" ==> "within sensor range"
- (question) I Suppose Alys specifically talks with an accent or is supposed to talk with an accent? If zo, you might notify this with [Missioninfo] the first time you talk with her.
- (grammer) "Some how" ==> "Somehow"
Map 3; Kozak space stop, space edition
- (naming) Only the ships with any importance to the story is named, I would love to see the other ships named as well, just to show a bit of creativity. Let couple of them wander... Would make it a bit more interesting.
Map 4; Kozak space stop, ground edition
- (typo) "I've faught" ==> "I've fought"
- (npc) The female klingon lieutenant has a hologram animation?
- (continuity, kozak) "Hell no"? hmmm...
- (typo) "alittle" ==> "a little"
- (typo) "buisness" ==> "business"
- (capitalisation) ==> "HE sets it down" ==> "He..."
- (typo) buisness, once again..
- (note) Alwayssummer? Sometimesfall and Maybespring, funny... Ya never know what comes next..
- (typo) "Obsurdly" ==> "Absurdly"
- (grammer) "Nice meet you two" ==> "Nice meeting you two."
- (typo) "havn't decoded" ==> "haven't decoded".
- (note) The jailer is somewhat funny.
Map 5; Back in Space
- (note) Funny indeed, there's always a space fight after ground.
- (combat) I like it you haven't put too much combat in the map, it sure doesn't feel like a grind. Well done.
- (grammer, Gul) "while you are still living" ==> "While you're still alive".
- (grammer) "Fore" <== I don't get it..
- (interpunction) "..nose in our affairs. You will meet..." <== it's better to remove the period for readability.
Map 6; DS9
- (capitalisation) "ferengi" ==> "Ferengi"
- (naming) This is the only map you named the designations with U.S.S. instead USS. Well done, hope to see all USS designations being changed to U.S.S. TRIBBLE well.
Conclusion
I want to be honest, and I hope you don't mind. This mission didn't pulled me in, maps weren't bad, combat was great (compliments!). But the dialog, and also the little (naming) details... If you improve that, it might become quite something you could be proud of.
As I said before to others; It's your mission, you don't have to follow any points given; you are free to use or keep what you want
PS; Oh, printscreens will be added on a later date.
I call it, the Stoutes paradox.
My character Tsin'xing
I call it, the Stoutes paradox.
My character Tsin'xing
I call it, the Stoutes paradox.
A playthrough mission is written while playing.. This means that if I find something of interest (error/problem/well though out design) OR some kind of emotional experience like an instant *wow* or *aww* reaction I'll write it up as such. The order doesn't always seem logical, but that's how I've played it.
At moment of writing I've been enjoying a continuing 3-day headache. I might have missed couple of grammer or other issues because of this. I try to keep it as detailed as possible.
Mission starter (including mission description):
- (mission description, capitalisation) "federation" ==> "Federation".
- (mission description, grammer) "things are not all that they seem" ==> "things are not all what they seem".
- (mission description, note) Your mission description is rather short, you haven't written where the starting point of the mission is. Oh and a little tip: use a bit of colors (Missioninfo for green, OOC for yellow) to differentiate the different messages (for example; some space and ground combat green, updated yellow)
- (mission starter, continuity A) This is a strange starter; the mission description states I was asked by a Federation Admiral for assistance against an incursion; but the starter says I got hailed by a terran ship??
- (mission starter, continuity
- (mission starter, capitalisation) "terrans" => "Terrans"
- (mission starter, information) Ah, I dropped your mission and tried the other option... This gives me a bit more information about this admiral. Unfortunatly it's a rather big blob of text. My suggestion is to split this text in two dialog boxes.
- (mission starter, storyline/context) "I am not evil" <== Considering the Mirror universe don't count themself as evil (POV), he can't really call himself "not evil".
- (mission starter, note) It might be better of you let the dialog with the other option flow into this informative one. It helps the player to get a picture of what you're telling here.
- (mission starter, note) "It would be an honor" is just a bit too much to say it to an admiral if you don't have any history with him.
Map 1; Outskirts
- (note) Nice effect you used for the portal. I myst say though... When you start in this map your ship is pointing in the wrong direction, doing a 180 with a cruiser... well..
- (continuity) Where does the Klingon patrols come from? Oh and even though I have to shoot them it's funny to see them shooting the terrans first
- (naming) Most of the enemies has standard ship names; ShiKahr Class starship (or how it is called)
- (combat) Even though the combat is forces, it's easy. Couple of FAW's and it was done with.
- (interpunction) It's pretty obvious you use commas quite extensively. Most sentences can usually continue without a necessary comma being used.
- (question) "I am in orbit about DS9" <== Do you mean he will be hold his position near DS9?
- (typo) What about you? > "dipolmatic" ==> "diplomatic"
- (grammer) "talk to the Klingons" ==> "talk to Klingons"
Map 2; Risa
- (placement) This was a peculiar warp-in. Because the starting point is pointing away from the planet it's letting me warp in "through" the planet.
- (trigger) When I need to find the romulan ship, I actually have to touch it multiple times before the trigger states that I've found it.
- (Storyline) When you're hailing the romulan, she says "Excuse me, but..". The romulans aren't always that polite
- (capitalisation) "starfleet captain" ==> "Starfleet Captain"
- (continuity) The Prime Universe version of the admiral is at DS9? So... The Prime version was actually in the mirror universe while the mirror version was in the prime one? ...
Map 3; DS9
- (map usage) Did you use an actual DS9 map (with the wormhole effect)? Because it's totally empty, no effect and all.
- (note) It's getting a bit on my nerves that every task is *behind* the starting point. Those 180-turns I need to do after *every* map-load is kind of... Grumlz
- (naming) Typhoon class starship, etc. It would be much nicer if you name all individual ships.
- (interpunctions) While you named the romulan and fed ships with interpunction, the KDF hasn't. (IKS instead of I.K.S.)
- (naming) "FX - Portal - Mirror Universe" <== It would be a bit better if you rename this to something readable.
- (animation) After you're entering the portal, my ships shows the warp-out animation. Fun, but pretty useless since 3 seconds later my ship is back..
Map 4; DS9 mirror
- (note) Well, the same empty space unfortunatly, no wormhole effects.
Map 5; DS9 mirror interior
- (note) Does it says "barl", or "bar!" (task list "fight your way to the ...")?
- (playability) Most players are focused at space combat, not ground combat. Making 7 mobs forced to kill, it's not really that fun (it has to support the story)
- (continuity) The Portal generator is... a dabo table? Really? Why is it floating in the air?
Map 6; DS9, back in space
- (note) Again, a 180-turn is needed...
- (note) Nice battle
- (dialog) Try to keep the given reactions a bit more neutral. A reaction like "You sicken me" can let other players think like "he, my char doesn't talk like that!"
Map 7; Dewa
- (placement) Why are there three Orion's Fist's on the map?
- (trigger) The trigger to reach the planet is way(!) too small. I simply can't reach it. The planet you have to reach has some kind of collision box which keeps me from actually get to the planet, and thus the trigger...
This is a gamebreaking bug, I could not continue.
I call it, the Stoutes paradox.
A playthrough mission is written while playing.. This means that if I find something of interest (error/problem/well though out design) OR some kind of emotional experience like an instant *wow* or *aww* reaction I'll write it up as such. The order doesn't always seem logical, but that's how I've played it.
I would have to give you at least 4/5 solely based on your current sig
Mission starter (including mission description):
- (mission description, color) Flawlessly written description. I would suggest using either missioninfo or ooc for "Author's note:", just to distuingish it a bit more.
- (mission starter, question) I presume you've actually meant her to speak Pakled-like? I saw "name given me" where probably "name given to me" was meant, unless it was purposely written that way.
- (note) I don't see a starter location mentioned in the mission description, but it is mentioned in the starter dialog AND the task list. Well done.
- (capitalisation) "Slow Down" ==> isn't "Slow down" a bit more suitable?
- (note, dialog) When you're finishing the dialog with the DJ, it might be wise to use Missioninfo to say where you need to go, just as a pointer.
Map 1; P'Jem
- (note) I didn't knew the Risian corvette was actually available at the foundry? Wow.
- (suggestion, dialog) You used "[Rank] !", while "[Rank]!" would look a bit better in the actual dialog.
- (question) What does "for the photo op" mean?
- (note) Redshirt Rob, how to make it more obvious
- (note) Noooooooooo, not the friendly purple squid thingies (Nanovs)! I saw them and totally forgot they were evil!
- (placement) I was walking around a bit at the map, and saw the pattern enhancers standing in the pond... Well it seems you've put couple of invisible walls around the pond. I eventually was able to get inside this space by the right side of the forcefield. Why a forcefield by the way?
- (grammer) "...is repaired second hand..." ==> "...is repaired with second hand..."
- (grammer) "...to shut it down here?" ==> "...to shut it down from here?"
- (question choice of words) "farther on" => doesn't "further on" sounds just a bit better?
- (interpunction) "The animals they've..." ==> "The animals, they've"
- (note) No disappearing NPC's after dialog; well done
- (capitalisation, Astrid) "Continue On" <== I don't think On has to be capitalised.
- (note) Awww, the cute little epohhs.... Whaaaaa! Evil furry animals!
- (grammer) "How big a cave structure inside?" <== "How big is the cavern structure inside".
- (note) If you say you have enjoyed or lolled writing these dialogs, I could understand. A Jem, talking about the teeth of Epohh's. Priceless
Map 2; Cave
- (note) Have I said this mission is too funny?
- (word usage in dialog Miranda) Three times "whatever's" in a dialog.
- (interpunction) Is that a comma instead of a period? "You go check on her,"
- (note for after a DC) Oh by the way, I had to temporarily get out of your mission (to continue later on), but had difficulty finding the cave.. Maybe a map-wide change map after hitting a trigger to "open" the cave or something?
- (placement) Nice floor structures
- (continuity) I was able to hit a trigger which tells me I would attract the Epohh's a certain way, even though I hadn't talked to Rhonda yet.
- (note) Awwww the redshirt, WHO would ever had suspected that?
- (question) Which mob did you use with Rhonda? I saw a Epohh throw a plasma grenade, was funny to see!
- (note) You wanted to make it a cartoony mission, I suggest giving your boffs a balloon popper (which I accidentally have on almost all of my boffs).
- (placement) The TOS closed door object must look like it's an opened door, unfortunatly it's "pivot point" doesn't really align up with the fence.
- (note) Commendations on "closing off" pieces of the map.
Map 3; *you want to know*?!
- (note) Funny ending
Conclusion:
Hippiejohn stated multiple times this mission was meant to be a cartoon. It brought a story and delivered. It was fun and combat wasn't hard at all. Even though it was a short mission, it seemed to get quite the attention for detail (except for 2 object placement problems). Fun guaranteed.
I call it, the Stoutes paradox.
I will be able getting back to reviewing pretty darn soon again
I call it, the Stoutes paradox.
This means I'll be doing the next few days doing reviews again.
[HINT] If you would like playtest CSG II, please do. I would love hearing some feedback
I call it, the Stoutes paradox.
A playthrough mission is written while playing.. This means that if I find something of interest (error/problem/well though out design) OR some kind of emotional experience like an instant *wow* or *aww* reaction I'll write it up as such. The order doesn't always seem logical, but that's how I've played it.
At moment of writing I've been refitting my Andorian Charal Escort with Elachi DHC's and enhanced RCS/Neut... Been testing in Ker'rat, AWESOME! Secretly Hoping to get loads of nice space combat.
Mission starter (including mission description):
- (mission description, interpunctions) "...government, and..." the "and" isn't needed.
- (mission starter dialog, word usage) "...in accordance with the federation's treaty with..." 2x "with" close to eachother in one sentence. I suggest writing it in such a way you can circumvent this (it improves readability or "textual smoothness")
- (mission starter dialog, answer) "...get into bed with the..." <== That's kind of a blunt statement. People may say things like "my captain don't talk like that!".
Map 1; Herghelis System
- (word usage) "reinforcements closing fast!" <== I personally had to lol about this (oh noes, the fed is coming, close all windows and doors!). Did you mean "closing in"?
- (naming) All the space enemies had their default names.
- (dialog) "on viewer" is usually called "on viewscreen".
Conclusion;
This one was... short. I haven't yet tried your series, so I can't really see what this part means in the whole. No real typo's found, so well done. Might do a reread in the next couple of days to see if I might have missed something.
I call it, the Stoutes paradox.
A playthrough mission is written while playing.. This means that if I find something of interest (error/problem/well though out design) OR some kind of emotional experience like an instant *wow* or *aww* reaction I'll write it up as such. The order doesn't always seem logical, but that's how I've played it.
Going strong in my Andy at the moment. Had a wonderful Ker'rat session yesterday, hope to get a bit more space practice today.
Mission starter (including mission description):
- (mission description, introduction) "Unexpected Undine debris are entering..." reads a bit strange. You might change it into "Undine debris is unexpecteldy entering..."
- (mission description, note) "realizes" seemed rather strange, until I found that this was actual US spelling. So nvm
- (mission task list) While you've written where to go in your mission description, I'm missing it in my task list. The task I see is "Mission Briefing", it might be wise to add ".. at the Bomari System"
Map 1; SB 653
- (mission word) "...is waiting for in the..." ==> "...is waiting for you in the..."
- (suggestion, grammer) "I am ready to hear the briefing." might be changed into "I am ready for the briefing" to improve readability (or the "flow" sort-to-speak).
- (suggestion, grammer) "what is causing this to happen?" ==> "Do you know what might be causing this?"
- (grammer) "That... is what I need you do." ==> "That... is what I need you for." or "That... is what I need you to investigate."
- (suggestion, word choice) "...last place..." ==> "...last coordinates..."
- (grammer) "..a Undine.." ==> "..an Undine.."
- (grammer) "Anything new I find out, I will keep you updated" ==> "I will keep you updated as soon as we have more information."
- (grammer) "why pick me" ==> "Why have you picked me"
- (grammer) "I have looked over your Starfleet record personally and I believe you are the perfect person for this" ==> "I have peronally looked over your Starfleet records and I believe you're the best one fitted for this mission".
- (grammer) "Me and the crew of SB..." ==> "The crew of SB and I..."
- (grammer) "causing it for me" ==> "causing this disturbance"
- (interpunction, Kinnear) "...help you with [Rank]" ==> "...help you with, [Rank]"
- (typo, Kinnear) "desserted" ==> "deserted"
- (note) Quite the NPC's you've placed inside this map. Not bad!
- (note) K'Ehlawr sounds remarkably like "Cooler". Cool.
- (word usage) "shuttle craft pilot" ==> "shuttlecraft pilot"
- (grammer, Francesca) "Even if they settled everything up" <== "up" is unnecessary.
- (grammer, Francesca) "...with something more heroic." ==> "... somewhat more heroic." or "...by something more heroic."
- (question) I.S.S. Renegade?? I believe I didn't saw it being mentioned before that it was about a mirror ship?
- (note) Seeing starfleet captains flying breen ships; lol!
- (note SPOILER ALERT) The Air piano; hilarious!
- (grammer, cherut) "...with renegade..." ==> "...within renegade..."
- (grammer, cherut) "reporting of duty" ==> "reporting for duty"
- (grammer, cherut) "a instructor" ==> "an instructor"
- (typo, marlow) "when back" ==> "went back"
- (note) Marlowe... awww... you depicted her pretty well
- (interpunction, catta) No . on the end of "all ears"
- (typo, catta) "conselor" ==> "counselor"
- (typo, Ramirez) "acutal" ==> "actual"
- (typo, Ramirez) "becuase" ==> "because"
- (typo, Ramirez) "habbits" ==> "habits" or "rabbits"
Map 2 ; SB 653 space
- (note) You've probably heard it before, but a map transfer where you enter a map, just to transfer to another map... It's not really that appreciated. Mainly because map loading takes quite an amount of time... However, you can overcome this by letting your boff say "do you want to beam up, and head onto *map to go*?".
- (naming) Quite the base/starbase you've setup here. It's honestly ashame all the spaceships having their original name "miranda class frigate", etc.
Map 3; XI Casio
- (note) AMAZING effect, using the colored backdrop, including the red nebulae like you did.
- (typo, task) "remianing" ==> "remaining"
Map 4; Fluidic
- (placement) Your starting point doesn't seem to be aligned with the fluidic portal FX. When I warped it, it seem s like i warped in on the far left side of the portal.
- (dialog continuity) The undine says "I though I was a goner for sure!" <== This sounds a bit.. strange.. coming from an alien, more or less an undine.
- (dialog continuity) When you press "i'll head to the coordinates", the dialog top still says "Why should i? For all i know it could be a trap!".. Next to that, the dialog doesn't seem to be that undine-ish if you know what I mean.
- (dialog continuity) After the spacecombat, the undine gives transport coordinates, without explaining how and why.
Map 5; Facility
- (note) Congrats!! You've closed off the rest of the map in case the dialog isn't stsarted yet. Well done!
- (typo, unknown ally) "Alrght, I will..." ==> "Alright"
- (naming) Most of the undine have standard names like "Unknown ally". It isn't bad, but personally I would like some more individuality (more names or designations then there's now).
- (note) I like the details you've added to the main hall. All the different undines typing on consoles and such. Three different NPC talks as far as I've counted. Have you tried putting some NPC's on wander?
- (typo, NPC talk Psi) "we have to be paitent" ==> "we have to be patient"
- (typo, dialog Psi) "taken a single shot agaisnt you" ==> "against".
- (typo, dialog after tap) "causing too much interfernce" ==> "interference"
- (continuity) Undine seperatist saying "Starfleet is really amazing" sounds just a bit.. odd. Especially when it says they never ever seen starfleet before. A tiny bit scepticism would be healthy.
- (typo) "you have done anything wrong" ==> "haven't"
- (grammer) "one of own" ==> "one of our own"
- (continuity, Rochelle) "Howdy"; Strange.. A, a ranger..
- (detail) "use console" ==> "use Communications Panel"
- (note) WHAHAHAHA, most humoristic thing ever. Winter event coordinator, roflol. Did press random buttons until the end. Priceless.
- (note) Oh, I want to give you compliments of creating all those extra optional dialogs. It really is a good addition to this mission (and totally in line with the story). Well done.
Map 6; Evac
- (note) Fun combat, not much grammer mistakes or anything. Nice followup.
Map 7; SB653 space
- (note) Only used for story transfer. Be careful with this; people with slower connections will have to wait quite a while with every new map load.
Map 8; planet
- (note) Map design == beautiful.
- (typo, dialog admiral) "Admital Tshana" ==> "Admiral"
- (naming) There's one NPC called "Undine Ensign Male 02"
Conclusion;
Your mission was struggling a bit at the start. It went well, but not that "smooth". Those grammer mistakes might have contributed with it. Nonetheless, your map designs are alive and well thought out. Congrats!
Oh, and on another note; I had to quit your mission twice due to reallife passing through, I had no problem at all restarting at the point I left off. Well done.
I call it, the Stoutes paradox.
Once again, good job.
I call it, the Stoutes paradox.
A playthrough mission is written while playing.. This means that if I find something of interest (error/problem/well though out design) OR some kind of emotional experience like an instant *wow* or *aww* reaction I'll write it up as such. The order doesn't always seem logical, but that's how I've played it.
Still in my Andorian, the Elachi space weapons are marvelous. Now with the latest XII Neutroniums and Elite Warpcore it's a joy to PVP/PVE. I wonder what this mission brings!
Mission starter (including mission description):
- (mission description) No typo's found, well done. I would like to see a blank space (empty new line) between the mission intro, part of serie of 5 and the four points which explain what the player will expect.
- (mission description) There's no mentioning in the mission description where to start (useful when you want to restart after a busy day).
- (mission starter dialog) Pretty short, you've mentioned the starting location with a mentioning about a mission description for more info (which isn't that informative; it's fine for an introduction but too short to be informative).
- (mission starter task name) When you have a busy day ahead, you usually go and acquire all the missions you want to do later that day. Adding the place where you need to start helps those people.
Map 1; Imaga VI space
- (design) The rocks, docking stations and gate is a pretty decent map all together. Unfortunatly i have to turn my cam to see all that. That's a bummer.
- (note) It's quite a large map, but I am missing a little bit of life on this map. There aren't any ships wandering around or an patrol.
- (grammer) "Transport Aboard the Engineering Teams" ==> "Transport the Engineering teams aboard".
- (continuity, dialog Emma) I would place "How does Quantum..." behind "why have we been asked here?". Getting the ability to ask that after the first round is like "what the... is Quantum...?"
- (note) No typo's found at this moment. But the manner of writing is kind of "heavy", like you're reading blobs of text. It might help if you split your dialog in multiple paragraphs.
- (continuity) Emma is talking about an interference field around the gate, it might be better to let this "field" turn visible after this dialog. I already hit this effect when I was roaming around the map (before the dialog).
Map 2; Unknown space
- (note) The backdrop design after you warp in... Nice!
- (designation) This is more or less nitpicking, so don't take it too serious; I usually like the designations like "U.S.S." instead of the "USS" used in your mission.
- (note) High humidity and heat; pretty well taken over from ST:FC. Don't forget the atmospheric pressure being ten kilopascals above normal
- (suggestion) "I need options" might be a bit forced. I usually use this in my dialogs: "Does anyone have a suggestion?".
- (dialog, "Options") Instead of [Rank], [NickName] or whatever is used. A boff don't usually name their superior by there name.
Map 3; On the ship
- (note, NPC talk) Inaprovaline, research well done!
- (dialog) "we have dying here" ==> "we have dying crewmembers here"
- (map design) Well done with the fedship/borg design!! It's spacious but it fits rather well. Congrats.
- (placement) There's a drone beaming down in a structure at the 2nd inhibitor.
Map 4; bridge
- (note) The design! Whahaha, a bit over the top!
- (note, NPC talk) They assimilated the favorite console, roflolable.
Map 5; space
- (enemies) They seem quite weak, especially the tac. Or I might be wrong?
- (typo, task) "beam aboard th crew..." ==> the
- (placement) The luna seemed to be placed inside a structure, I can still see it nacelles. It was kind of though to trigger the reach marker as well.
Map 6; back
- (note) Nice ending; no typo's and/or anything peculiar
- (naming) The extra ships don't have any designations or names.
I call it, the Stoutes paradox.
Oh; and the list is updated; I've added another 11 missions. If you are missing yours; please let me know.
I call it, the Stoutes paradox.