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Fluidic Relations by renegadesteve
renegadesteve
Member Posts: 0 Arc User
This is a foundry that I am really proud of. It has a great story and space combat I'm so proud of this work and the different custom maps I created, I'm going to submit it to Cryptic for Feature Episode.
I hope you guys enjoy! Let me know what you think!
Fluidic Relations
"ST-HCTNZDL94"
author: renegadesteve
Mission Description
Unexpected Undine debris are entering Federation territory. Admiral Tshana is calling for assistance. Help the aenar Admiral figure out what is causing this to happen....it might be more beneficial than Starfleet realizes...
Go to the Wall console outside the Transporter Room on the Earth Spacedock. Its through the door on the right to start the mission.
I hope you guys enjoy! Let me know what you think!
Fluidic Relations
"ST-HCTNZDL94"
author: renegadesteve
Mission Description
Unexpected Undine debris are entering Federation territory. Admiral Tshana is calling for assistance. Help the aenar Admiral figure out what is causing this to happen....it might be more beneficial than Starfleet realizes...
Go to the Wall console outside the Transporter Room on the Earth Spacedock. Its through the door on the right to start the mission.
Post edited by renegadesteve on
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Comments
Federation Mission - Fluidic Relations
Author: renegadesteve
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HH3WUJKJU
Report Start
Summary: This is a good, space combat oriented, mission with enough dialogue to move the story forward. The map designs are well done with several, very tough battles. The story dialogue is well written but needs a little work as indicated below. I would definitely recommend this mission but nor on Elite. It was tough enough on Normal.
I mention the use of the response button "Continue" on every map. This is something I usually recommend the player uses to help tell the story and include the player as more a participant rather than just a reader of the story. This is particularly true when it comes to the "Captain" responding to a BOFF report or dialog from an NPC. An exception to this would be when reading log entry or something along those lines, but even in those circumstances I recommend the use of "..." as an alternative. Yes I know Cryptic missions use the response button "Continue" a lot. In my opinion it seems unlikely that a Captain would simply say "Continue". This is my personal opinion.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Help the aenar Admiral figure out" to read "Help the Admiral figure out". The does not appear to be a reason to define her species. The player will figure that out when they accept the mission.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant and follow on dialogue are well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: Consider adding the start location for the first custom map to the initial mission task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS:
Starbase 653: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Starbase 653 - Space: This map does not appear to be needed. Consider changing the map transfer dialogue on the previous map to indicate the ship is to warp as soon as the player is aboard. Then go directly to the Xi Cassiopeiae System map.
Xi Cassiopeiae System: This is a good map design with several very tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Roger that Captain" to read "Aye Captain". That would be more professional.
-The use of the response button "Continue". I will cover this in more detail in my summary.
Fluidic Space: This is a good map design with several very tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Unknown Undine Facility: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-Consider changing "Surely you must have noticed by we are not like the others" to read "Surely you must have noticed by now we are not like the others"
-Consider changing "But to undertand why we are" to read "But to understand why we are".
-Consider not changing the image of the Psi Master Tvalo to the Vulcan science officer until he says "I was disguised as this". It will look better and flow with the dialogue.
-Consider changing "did you know what I found" to read "do you know what I found".
-Consider changing "you are more than happy to use our communications array" to read "you are more than welcome to use our communications array".
-Consider changing "You can send the Undine to warp to Starbase 653" to read "You can have the Undine warp to Starbase 653".
Evacuation: This is a good map design with several very tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
Starbase 653 - Space: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-Consider changing "your presence down over here on the planet" to read "your presence on the planet".
-Consider changing "She has decided to approve of the colonization of Selvis VI" to read "She has approved the Undine colonization of Selvis VI".
Colony: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-Consider changing "and it all thanks to you" to read "and it is all thanks to you".
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job developing this mission and I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 03/31/2013 on forum posting for: In depth mission reports upon request.