Literary Challenge #34 Discussion Thread

pwebranflakes

Literary Challenge #34 : Souvenirs

This is the comments thread for Literary Challenge #34 : Souvenirs.
We also have an Index of previous challenges HERE.

Feel free to link directly to the entry you are commenting on. And please remember: we're not here to tear each other up. Do not troll your fellow Captains, give feedback! Let the others know what you liked and disliked. Maybe they can even go back then and tweak their entries!

Let's get those creative juices flowing! :cool:

panzerdante

the 2 rare duty officers + 1 very rare i got from my 1st "friendly" contact with the dominion helped me alot with assignments getting thouse "rare" rewards Not to mention my very rare jem'hedar tactical officer

i kinda skipped tru evrything in the beginning to get to admiral lvl before i rly started to play all the side stuff xD

I got a special band with them cause they are the only officers i didnt trade or removed
they helped me out alot and i consider them the moust valuable gift

i hope 1 day to see the gamma quadrant in STO and own a jem'hedar dreadnaught
or maybe include them as playable spiecies

khamseenair

~Disregard~

marcusdkane

Done...

For ease of reference/visualization, here're the actors I would cast if I was filming this tomorrow...

Rynar Lambert - Stephen Moyer
S'rR's Kane - Amy Smart
Tal Shiar Operative - Christian Bale
Amanda Palmer - Courtney Cox

[Edit to add]
Audio track - She's So by Royksopp

wraithshadow13

I had to double check that i had clicked the right thread after reading the first two posts there.....


Either way i look forward to writing this one.

amurorx0

Here is my entry for this one.

Presented a good opportunity to fill in some holes made in previous entries.

As usual, critique & feedback is welcomed/encouraged

marcusdkane

amurorx0 wrote: »

Here is my entry for this one.

Presented a good opportunity to fill in some holes made in previous entries.

As usual, critique & feedback is welcomed/encouraged

Having not read many of your previous entries, it raised more holes than it filled, but it was an enjoyable read

amurorx0

marcusdkane wrote: »

Having not read many of your previous entries, it raised more holes than it filled, but it was an enjoyable read

Temporal hi-jinks tend to leave more holes than can be filled , moreso when you forget how to aim :P

marcusdkane

amurorx0 wrote: »

Temporal hi-jinks tend to leave more holes than can be filled , moreso when you forget how to aim :P

They do indeed, but still, good stuff

marcusdkane

@Jenn:
Lovely story, very easy to visualize, and not at all complicated My one hint of disappointment was that it was a holodeck recreation of the event, rather than a 'beam up and away', but equally, it showed that however much time had passed, Mari was still on the Captain's mind, which was equally nice

PS Welcome to the party

bortjinx

Mine is posted. I wanted something a little different, so my gift is that of one people paying another for a service that could never really be repaid.

marcusdkane

bortjinx wrote: »

Mine is posted. I wanted something a little different, so my gift is that of one people paying another for a service that could never really be repaid.

I like it, that has the potential to develop a fantastic character

marcusdkane

@ ironphoenix113: A nice read, although my one crit is: Why would the First Officer be questioning the wearing of the sabre, when she was then revealed to be doing likewise Other than that, fantastic

ironphoenix113

marcusdkane wrote: »

@ ironphoenix113: A nice read, although my one crit is: Why would the First Officer be questioning the wearing of the sabre, when she was then revealed to be doing likewise Other than that, fantastic

Hey! Thanks for reading it! The reason she questioned it is because Ibalei (Bryan's first officer) has a reputation for being a little sacrcastic, and also, she was curious as to why Bryan wore it as he (Bryan) is not ordinarily known for being nostalgic. Anyways, ty again for giving it a read.

marcusdkane

ironphoenix113 wrote: »

Hey! Thanks for reading it! The reason she questioned it is because Ibalei (Bryan's first officer) has a reputation for being a little sacrcastic, and also, she was curious as to why Bryan wore it as he (Bryan) is not ordinarily known for being nostalgic. Anyways, ty again for giving it a read.

Ahh, that makes sense Part of the fun of reading other people's work is being introduced to new characters, the only downside, is not always knowing the backstory and personal eccentricities And no worries, thanks for taking the time to write and share

keepcalm

Okay, new habit I'm getting myself in, since I like seeing us all actually talking about the stuff we write. I'll go over the other entries, give my opinions and then do mine. Yay discussion!

marcusdkane: Nice little story. Not much else to say, really. Too well written for there to be any constructive criticism, and you said all you wanted and needed to say in it, without going overboard on anything. Basically, that was a nice, solid entry there.

amurorx0: One little nitpick. Fair warning, I get strange when it comes to words. I think WAY too hard about them sometimes, and ... 'the familiar dischord of the transporter beam.' Dischord pinged my word OCD, I'm afraid. A typo? I looked into the word and the only place I found it as other than a typo was on urbandictionary where the meaning was 'to rip out the spinal chord, similar to disembowel' ... never mind the typo in that description. Cord, not chord. It's a little thing, but, as I said, I get weird about words sometimes. Otherwise, it's a good story. I've read a few of your previous entires, so, while there's still a few holes, I know that's the nature of time travel and, as time goes on, those holes will be filled in - and new ones opened.

jennnmarshall: Aww. That's cute. The sentences at the beginning seemed a bit abrupt, but otherwise, again, a good story. I agree that it was a bit of a pity that it was all a holodeck program, but it does show that Catface cares, still.

bortjinx: I find myself hoping the kid stays on the ship. I know, hardly the best place for him, but would be interesting to see what happens with him.

ironphoenix113: The only thing I can think of to say has already been asked and answered, and that was why would the first officer ask why, when she had been there with him a year ago. But, you explained that.

So, we pretty much have generally good stories and nothing else so far. No pressure on me to keep up the good stuff, then. :P

marcusdkane

keepcalm wrote: »

Okay, new habit I'm getting myself in, since I like seeing us all actually talking about the stuff we write. I'll go over the other entries, give my opinions and then do mine. Yay discussion!

marcusdkane: Nice little story. Not much else to say, really. Too well written for there to be any constructive criticism, and you said all you wanted and needed to say in it, without going overboard on anything. Basically, that was a nice, solid entry there.

Thanks for the feedback, it's much appreciated I really enjoyed reading your entry, it was thoughtful, introspective and touching, without being overly so:) It had an economic minimalism to it, which was refreshing to read. Not a lot was written, but what was written, said a lot

bortjinx

marcusdkane wrote: »

I like it, that has the potential to develop a fantastic character

keepcalm wrote: »

bortjinx: I find myself hoping the kid stays on the ship. I know, hardly the best place for him, but would be interesting to see what happens with him.

Thanks for the feedback guys, it's always good to know people enjoy reading what you write

I liked yours Marcus. A tattoo is a simply idea, yet can say so much. I agree with Keepcalm, not much to be said. Very nicely written

And Keepcalm, I love your language comments, how one item changes it's name depending on which aspect of said item is most important at the time of speaking. Cleverly done

keepcalm wrote: »

amurorx0: One little nitpick. Fair warning, I get strange when it comes to words. I think WAY too hard about them sometimes, and ... 'the familiar dischord of the transporter beam.' Dischord pinged my word OCD, I'm afraid. A typo? I looked into the word and the only place I found it as other than a typo was on urbandictionary where the meaning was 'to rip out the spinal chord, similar to disembowel' ... never mind the typo in that description. Cord, not chord. It's a little thing, but, as I said, I get weird about words sometimes. Otherwise, it's a good story. I've read a few of your previous entires, so, while there's still a few holes, I know that's the nature of time travel and, as time goes on, those holes will be filled in - and new ones opened.

This is a fantastic typo xD

marcusdkane

bortjinx wrote: »

Thanks for the feedback guys, it's always good to know people enjoy reading what you write

I liked yours Marcus. A tattoo is a simply idea, yet can say so much. I agree with Keepcalm, not much to be said. Very nicely written

Any time, it was a very enjoyable read, and thanks I figured there's not enough known tattooing in the Trekverse (Other than how bored Romulan miners pass the time... ) although there can't be any Starfleet regs against tattoos, as Chakotay's ink is rather visible and thought about how sailors would traditionally get tattooed while travelling, so wanted to do something along that line... Equally, the piece is intended as a continuation from my last entry, and that seemed the easiest way of doing so, while fulfilling the requirements of the challenge...

@ Shevet:
I've never been a fan of the descriptive present tense eg "She rolls forwards" rather than "She rolled forwards" but that's just my own personal quirk... I thought that your entry was excellently written, and an entertainingly amusing read. The overuse of language was obvious, but a fun quirk. If anything, the only thing I didn't like, was the idea of Starfleet officers making racist comments, but other than that, a great read

keepcalm

marcusdkane wrote: »

@ Shevet:
I've never been a fan of the descriptive present tense eg "She rolls forwards" rather than "She rolled forwards" but that's just my own personal quirk... I thought that your entry was excellently written, and an entertainingly amusing read. The overuse of language was obvious, but a fun quirk. If anything, the only thing I didn't like, was the idea of Starfleet officers making racist comments, but other than that, a great read

Pretty much this, +1. Except, I loved Thirethequ and every ship needs a Jolciot. Those guys look like fun to write.

marcusdkane

keepcalm wrote: »

Pretty much this, +1. Except, I loved Thirethequ and every ship needs a Jolciot. Those guys look like fun to write.

I thought Thirethequ was awesome

ironphoenix113

@Shevet

Great story! I really enjoyed how your character utilized the gift she was given. And Thirethequ gave me quite a chuckle. Thanks for the excellent story. One question though, if I may, what species is your captain?

bortjinx

Shevet, a brilliant story

Ironphoenix, Shevet's Captain/Admiral was Andorian.

shevet

Wow, thanks for all the kind words, folks!

I've always figured that Starfleet, and the Federation, try very hard when it comes to cultural acceptance and so on, but don't always succeed. Heck, in the 23rd century, Starfleet's finest were tossing around phrases like "green-blooded freak" and "pointy-eared hobgoblin" (and, let's not forget, the Vulcan's aren't altogether innocent here, either; remember Sarek's put-down of the Tellarites?) So, I figure we are stuck, even in the 25th century, with a certain amount of disparaging, stereotyping, and so on. I've written Tylha herself as not being quite free of this; not exactly prejudiced, but she does have a touch of "no, honestly, some of my best friends are whiny damn pinkskins" about her....

(Tylha is Andorian... most of the time. When Q isn't messing with her genome! That's her in my avatar, photographed from her good side, the one that doesn't show the scars.)

Another thing I figure is that, since I'm trying to put across Tylha's slightly skewed viewpoint, I need to inhabit that viewpoint as closely as possible. That's why I've opted for the first-person, present-tense narration. I know it's something some readers find off-putting - I find it hard work to read, myself, sometimes - but it's the best way, I think, to put a sense of immediacy into the viewpoint - to get inside that blue, antennae-ed, partly rebuilt head. Well, that's the reasoning behind it, anyway!

Thirethequ, well, his appearance was straightforward "random alien bridge officer", but it was striking enough that I decided not to change it - and, then, deciding on his characterization, I simply went with having it absolutely what you would not expect, from looking at him. An old trick and a cheap one, but if it works, I'm not complaining. (I'm now, however, contemplating using an alien boff candidate and making a Jolciot girlfriend for him!)

Oh, and I do kind of wish my Tholian bridge actually worked the way I've described it! - get on that, devs, would you?

bortjinx

I know what you mean about the prejudices still being out there. I try to keep Jinx adhering to Starfleet's levels of acceptance when it comes to such things, but there are some things that just push people a little too far (like being presented with a child as a reward for helping someone) towards thinking 'these people aren't human/vulcon/andorian/trill/etc.

The tribe in my entry were actually meant to be fairly well civilised for a primitive people, just with a very rigid sense of obligation. Their sense of honour/obligation/whatever you want to call it meant they had been provided with a future at the hands of these outsiders. Literally the only way to repay them would be to provide the outsiders with a piece of their future, and for the outsiders to refuse, it would have been seen as an insult of massive proportions, implying that the outsiders thought very little of the tribe and that one of their own would not be 'worthy' of becoming a 'great hero'.

But, because of this strict code of conduct, Jinx's first reaction when she hears they are giving her a child is to call them savages. What she didn't see is that the child's parents had willingly gave up their child in the hopes that he becomes something great.

marcusdkane

shevet wrote: »

Wow, thanks for all the kind words, folks!

I've always figured that Starfleet, and the Federation, try very hard when it comes to cultural acceptance and so on, but don't always succeed. Heck, in the 23rd century, Starfleet's finest were tossing around phrases like "green-blooded freak" and "pointy-eared hobgoblin" (and, let's not forget, the Vulcan's aren't altogether innocent here, either; remember Sarek's put-down of the Tellarites?) So, I figure we are stuck, even in the 25th century, with a certain amount of disparaging, stereotyping, and so on. I've written Tylha herself as not being quite free of this; not exactly prejudiced, but she does have a touch of "no, honestly, some of my best friends are whiny damn pinkskins" about her....

(Tylha is Andorian... most of the time. When Q isn't messing with her genome! That's her in my avatar, photographed from her good side, the one that doesn't show the scars.)

Another thing I figure is that, since I'm trying to put across Tylha's slightly skewed viewpoint, I need to inhabit that viewpoint as closely as possible. That's why I've opted for the first-person, present-tense narration. I know it's something some readers find off-putting - I find it hard work to read, myself, sometimes - but it's the best way, I think, to put a sense of immediacy into the viewpoint - to get inside that blue, antennae-ed, partly rebuilt head. Well, that's the reasoning behind it, anyway!

Thirethequ, well, his appearance was straightforward "random alien bridge officer", but it was striking enough that I decided not to change it - and, then, deciding on his characterization, I simply went with having it absolutely what you would not expect, from looking at him. An old trick and a cheap one, but if it works, I'm not complaining. (I'm now, however, contemplating using an alien boff candidate and making a Jolciot girlfriend for him!)

Oh, and I do kind of wish my Tholian bridge actually worked the way I've described it! - get on that, devs, would you?

Ahh, that makes more sense, a way of creating the disorientation of a Tholian ship through tense... I take back what I said

marcusdkane

bortjinx wrote: »

I know what you mean about the prejudices still being out there. I try to keep Jinx adhering to Starfleet's levels of acceptance when it comes to such things, but there are some things that just push people a little too far (like being presented with a child as a reward for helping someone) towards thinking 'these people aren't human/vulcon/andorian/trill/etc.

I know where you're coming from, as I'm trying to accomplish a similar thing with the relationship between Marcus and S'rR's, where his Human cultural values and morals have been challenged not only by Pentaxian bonding customs, but also the additional twist that S'rR's is not really his biological daughter, but a binary clone with what is essentially a hardwired Electra complex... :eek:

bortjinx wrote: »

The tribe in my entry were actually meant to be fairly well civilised for a primitive people, just with a very rigid sense of obligation. Their sense of honour/obligation/whatever you want to call it meant they had been provided with a future at the hands of these outsiders. Literally the only way to repay them would be to provide the outsiders with a piece of their future, and for the outsiders to refuse, it would have been seen as an insult of massive proportions, implying that the outsiders thought very little of the tribe and that one of their own would not be 'worthy' of becoming a 'great hero'.

But, because of this strict code of conduct, Jinx's first reaction when she hears they are giving her a child is to call them savages. What she didn't see is that the child's parents had willingly gave up their child in the hopes that he becomes something great.

I definitely want to know more of what will happen to the boy, how he grows, and what he grows into. When I first wrote the character of S'rR's, she was supposed to be a 'background character' and an early teen in the Nemesis era, so when SOL jumped the timeline forwards a few decades, I was left with the necessity to 'update my crew', and discovering the woman she would have became seemed a logical thread to follow

bortjinx

marcusdkane wrote: »

I know where you're coming from, as I'm trying to accomplish a similar thing with the relationship between Marcus and S'rR's, where his Human cultural values and morals have been challenged not only by Pentaxian bonding customs, but also the additional twist that S'rR's is not really his biological daughter, but a binary clone with what is essentially a hardwired Electra complex... :eek:

Sounds like a complicated relationship. Should make for interesting reading

marcusdkane wrote: »

I definitely want to know more of what will happen to the boy, how he grows, and what he grows into. When I first wrote the character of S'rR's, she was supposed to be a 'background character' and an early teen in the Nemesis era, so when SOL jumped the timeline forwards a few decades, I was left with the necessity to 'update my crew', and discovering the woman she would have became seemed a logical thread to follow

Honestly, all I wanted was an unusual idea for this challenge, lol. Since writing it though, I have come to agree with you. That character has far too much potential to be just wasted.

My basic idea for what happens next is that he is taken to Earth, or maybe Trill, and fostered out for a few years. After that, he is entered into Starfleet Academy. Haven't thought much beyond that. I currently have a lot of writing on my plate (Jinx's background is turning into a novel it seems, lol - if anyone wants to read it, let me know), but I'll have to come back to this character later on.

ironphoenix113

bortjinx wrote: »

Sounds like a complicated relationship. Should make for interesting reading



Honestly, all I wanted was an unusual idea for this challenge, lol. Since writing it though, I have come to agree with you. That character has far too much potential to be just wasted.

My basic idea for what happens next is that he is taken to Earth, or maybe Trill, and fostered out for a few years. After that, he is entered into Starfleet Academy. Haven't thought much beyond that. I currently have a lot of writing on my plate (Jinx's background is turning into a novel it seems, lol - if anyone wants to read it, let me know), but I'll have to come back to this character later on.

I think complicated relationships are just going to be a fact of life in Starfleet, especially for ships (like the Athena) that spend very little time in dock. Bryan runs his crew very tightly when they're on duty, so he generally lets more slide when they're off. This has more than once caused issues on board, but the issue is generally dealt with quickly.

marcusdkane

bortjinx wrote: »

Sounds like a complicated relationship. Should make for interesting reading

I've just posted her biography, so feel free to take a look and let me know what you think

bortjinx wrote: »

Honestly, all I wanted was an unusual idea for this challenge, lol. Since writing it though, I have come to agree with you. That character has far too much potential to be just wasted.

Absolutely, I feel the boy may well develop into your breakout character

bortjinx wrote: »

My basic idea for what happens next is that he is taken to Earth, or maybe Trill, and fostered out for a few years. After that, he is entered into Starfleet Academy. Haven't thought much beyond that. I currently have a lot of writing on my plate (Jinx's background is turning into a novel it seems, lol - if anyone wants to read it, let me know), but I'll have to come back to this character later on.

Would absolutely love to read Jinx's background

bortjinx

Thanks for the link. I'll have a read through it as I get the chance today

Sorry, but I'm not familiar with the term 'breakout character'. You mean like a minor character who suddenly develops into a key aspect of a story?

Jinx's background can be found here:

The Empty Shell

I have a feedback thread on those forums too, but you would need an account to post there, so if you have any comments, please just PM them to me. Also, it isn't finished. I don't know how long it will be when it is, but if I'm going to be honest, it has barely gotten started