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Breen Beachhead - First Foundry Mission
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Member, NoReporting Posts: 178,019 Arc User
Title: Breen Beachhead
Project ID: ST-HTYS7NDCI
Language: English
Faction: Starfleet
Level: 35+
Description: There have been numerous reports of Breen ships in Defera space recently, particularly around the Raveh system. Many ships, military and civilian, have been lost in the general area. Unconfirmed reports of heavy transports and warships in the area may be unfounded rumors--or not. Your job is to investigate these sightings and handle them accordingly.
This is my first "real" mission in the Foundry, so I'd like as much constructive feedback as possible. My favorite story arc in STO is the Breen one, so I made this mission as a sequel of sorts to that. I tried to vary my play by having space battles, interior battles, and ground battles. I also spent some time working on dialog for various Bridge Officers, so the crew could "figure out" what was going on together.
EDIT: Since first publishing this mission last weekend, I've been working at improving it by tightening the story, adding more objectives, changing maps to give more a sense of urgency, and writing dialog to give it more of a military-operation feel. I hope you enjoy it.
Project ID: ST-HTYS7NDCI
Language: English
Faction: Starfleet
Level: 35+
Description: There have been numerous reports of Breen ships in Defera space recently, particularly around the Raveh system. Many ships, military and civilian, have been lost in the general area. Unconfirmed reports of heavy transports and warships in the area may be unfounded rumors--or not. Your job is to investigate these sightings and handle them accordingly.
This is my first "real" mission in the Foundry, so I'd like as much constructive feedback as possible. My favorite story arc in STO is the Breen one, so I made this mission as a sequel of sorts to that. I tried to vary my play by having space battles, interior battles, and ground battles. I also spent some time working on dialog for various Bridge Officers, so the crew could "figure out" what was going on together.
EDIT: Since first publishing this mission last weekend, I've been working at improving it by tightening the story, adding more objectives, changing maps to give more a sense of urgency, and writing dialog to give it more of a military-operation feel. I hope you enjoy it.
Post edited by Unknown User on
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Comments
Although welcome to the bugs. I know you don't have anything to do with this but there is a fairly major bug with the last map. My bridge officers jumped to a position on the map just as I was approaching the 3rd group.
Fortunately the breen did this as well allowing the mobs to be destroyed but it caused alot of extra hastle than it should have been.
Try repubbing? that may fix it or submit a foundry bug into the appropriate forum.
I did note a few issues with dialog in that introductory dilaog you had [rank][lastname] too close together running the two things together. separate them with a space.
Your dialogue with the Breen Commander in the first space map seems more appropriate for a Klingon than a Breen.
I made all the changes you suggested. I also had the same serious bug with the last mission that you mentioned (it worked fine in testing). My BOffs kept disappearing on me and re-appearing at a certain place on the map. I tried moving groups and doing all sorts of things, but nothing worked. It was the Celes Secret Base map. I eventually deleted that map and replaced it with a different one. It now works fine.
I also re-watched a Foundry Tutorial about multiple objectives at the same time, so I usd this for my mission, meaning that there's a lot less running around.
Hopefully, you'll be able to play the mission all the way through now and rate it for me.
Federation Mission - Breen Beachhead
Author: Gregg247
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HTYS7NDCI
Report Start
Summary: This mission is a good mission. The map design is great and the battles are very tough. The story dialog is very well written with no spelling or grammatical errors that I could find. If you like a good mission with good map design, very tough battles and great story dialog then this is the mission for you. I would definitely recommend this mission.
Consider changing the start location of your mission from the current one. Perhaps add a briefing somewhere on ESD and that can begin the start of the first custom map. I think it is good that you are using the Cryptic map locations as they relate to the story you are telling but the current location is a long distance to travel for any mission.
The use of "Continue" can be appropriate in conjunction with some dialog and I have noticed that Cryptic missions use it quite a bit. I am working on ways to bring this to their attention as I have so many authors here on STO. There are times when it is appropriate to use but for the most part anytime the Captain should respond to dialog, especially if the dialog is a report coming from a BOFF. In most cases it can be as simple as "Understood" or "Make it so". It just depends on what is an appropriate response to the dialog. It is really up to you to decide.
On the U.S.S. Carpathian the initial dialog refers to "attackers" beaming over before we destroyed their ships. While on the previous map we did battle three sets of Breen ships we did not fight any circling the Carpathian. Consider adding another Breen ship engagement on the "Defera Space" map near the Carpathian. Be careful not to put them to close as they might destroy the U.S.S. Carpathian when they are destroyed.
Below are a few other things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a short description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description. I noted only one item to consider changing:
-Consider adding a little more information and expand the story more. The idea of this description is to draw the player in and make them want to click "Hail".
Grant Mission Dialog: The dialog is well written and makes the player want to click "Accept". That is the goal of the initial dialog and the "Accept" mission dialog that follows. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog.
Mission Task: In addition to the system you should consider adding the sector location for the start location of the first custom map.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS:
Defera Space: This is a good map design and the battles are well done. The story dialog is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map. I noted only one item to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue". I'll cover this in more detail in my summary.
U.S.S. Carpathian: This is a nice map design with some really tough battles. The story dialog is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialog; there seems to be some confusion regarding how the Breen boarding party got onboard. Ill cover this in more detail in my summary.
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-Consider adding a re-spawn point before the last battle encounter. Having to run all the way across the map to get back to the fight is annoying. Players will ding you for that.
-Map issue (Resolved).
Defera 2: This is a good map with some tough but fun battles. The story dialog is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map. I noted only one item to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
Raveh II Ground: This is a good map design with tough battles. The story dialog is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-Consider adding a re-spawn point before the last battle encounter. Having to run all the way across the map to get back to the fight is annoying. Players will ding you for that.
Ice Caverns: The map design is good and the battles are tough. The story dialog is good.
I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-Consider adding a re-spawn point before the last battle encounter. Having to run all the way across the map to get back to the fight is annoying. Players will ding you for that.
Hidden Breen Base: This is a good map design with very tough battles. The story dialog is very well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-Consider adding a re-spawn point before the last battle encounter. Having to run all the way across the map to get back to the fight is annoying. Players will ding you for that.
-The console design you are using for the shield controls should be against the walls. The vertical screens look like they are hanging in mid air.
-Consider making the battles optional and leave the consoles as tasks. The player will still have to engage most groups but if they can figure a way around them it adds to the challenge.
End Report
Thanks for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. By your own admission this is your first mission and you did quite well.
Brian
This critique report also filed 01/14/2012 on forum posting for: [URL=" http://forums.startrekonline.com/showthread.php?t=236755&referrerid=312767"]In depth mission reports upon request[/URL].
I've gone back in and made a lot of the changes you suggested. Your feedback pointed out to me that there's a giant "Respawn Point" button that stares me in the face, and that I've never even noticed! I've placed re-spawn points on the 4 tougher maps now.
I also added some dialog explaining how the Breen boarding parties got onto the Carpathian.
I moved the computer consoles in the final map so they look more like computers rather than floating holo-projectors. I think the new placement is an improvement.
I added some lines in the introduction in an attempt to make the mission seem much more dire and action-packed in order to attract more players.
I'm working on a new Foundry mission that makes much more use of advanced dialog and branching dialog, so my next attempt won't have so much "Continue" in it.
Thanks again!
Glad I could help. Keep up the great work. Thanks for authoring.
Brian
Thanks to filbones for the awesome banner!
Also, you can see a video review of my mission at Starbase UGC as part of BitesizeUGC (Episode 15). Enjoy!