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"The Kniron Incident" - my new mission
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Member, NoReporting Posts: 178,019 Arc User
I've tried my hand at creating a Foundry mission before, but I put less effort into it than my latest creation! I've worked rather a lot on this mission on and off over the past few weeks. I think I'm happy with it for the most part but it does need some polishing.
I'd very much appreciate it if people could try it out and post some feedback. I'd appreciate critical and in-depth feedback, it's the only way my Foundry creations will improve. I must warn that this mission is rather text-heavy, you may need to pay attention to the instructions and hints within the dialogue.
Mission name : "The Kniron Incident"
Author : Kyle21Davidson
Level : Any
Faction : Federation
Language : English
Project ID : ST-HFBZQOGKH
Introduction :
A conference between the Federation and Klingon Empire is being held on Deep Space 21 in the Kniron system. It is one of the few diplomatic events being held between these two powers in a time of conflict, therefore it is vital to the Federation that it goes well. You have been summoned to Deep Space 21 to participate in the conference and to bolster the number of Starfleet vessels in attendance. Captain D'Gark is leading the Klingon delegation, and he is not known for his love or admiration for the United Federation of Planets. With the Kniron system so near the Klingon border, these talks could be of vital importance to the safety of the devastated Kniron homeworld. With Klingons swarming around the station freely, what will the outcome of the conference be?
Known issues :
The only bug I have encountered myself is that some enemy NPCs are stuck in the ceiling on one of the maps... I have attempted to fix this but it is a flaw in the system not in my mission's setup.
I'd very much appreciate it if people could try it out and post some feedback. I'd appreciate critical and in-depth feedback, it's the only way my Foundry creations will improve. I must warn that this mission is rather text-heavy, you may need to pay attention to the instructions and hints within the dialogue.
Mission name : "The Kniron Incident"
Author : Kyle21Davidson
Level : Any
Faction : Federation
Language : English
Project ID : ST-HFBZQOGKH
Introduction :
A conference between the Federation and Klingon Empire is being held on Deep Space 21 in the Kniron system. It is one of the few diplomatic events being held between these two powers in a time of conflict, therefore it is vital to the Federation that it goes well. You have been summoned to Deep Space 21 to participate in the conference and to bolster the number of Starfleet vessels in attendance. Captain D'Gark is leading the Klingon delegation, and he is not known for his love or admiration for the United Federation of Planets. With the Kniron system so near the Klingon border, these talks could be of vital importance to the safety of the devastated Kniron homeworld. With Klingons swarming around the station freely, what will the outcome of the conference be?
Known issues :
The only bug I have encountered myself is that some enemy NPCs are stuck in the ceiling on one of the maps... I have attempted to fix this but it is a flaw in the system not in my mission's setup.
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Comments
Federation Mission - The Kniron Incident
Author: Kyle21Davidson
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HFBZQOGKH
Part 1 Report Start
Summary: This is a good mission in the map design and story dialog. There are a few areas that need some work and I noted them below. The mission is also a little long but with story that you have and a little more tweaking that will matter a lot less. I would recommend this mission to anyone who likes a good story with excellent map design and some battles thrown into keep it interesting.
There are several places I noted the use of "Continue" as a response button to dialog. In most cases this should be some sort of response from the player. I made some suggestions on most the places I noted. The response "Continue" does work in a few places but for the most part you should put in a response from the player. This is especially true when a Bridge Officer gives the player a report or makes some sort of comment or statement. It is something to consider.
I noted on the "Ops" map the dialog regarding the choosing the assassin. I think you intended to make this a fail point in the mission requiring at least a restart of the map and/or the dialog. Unfortunately now the Foundry doesnt allow you to fail the dialog. That isnt your fault but you really do need to go back and change the [MissionInfo] dialog that tells the player they have to choose who tried to kill Captain D'Gark or the mission fails. I read this and the next thing I knew Captain Kunovah tells me the Klingons have left and are on their way to the planet. So as you can imagine this was a little confusing. Its not a show stopper but it is a unnecessary distraction.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: The mission description is good but you may want to add just a little more detail. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing the "Note" at the bottom to [OOC] text to distinguish it from the rest of the description.
Grant Mission Dialog: This dialog seems a little clumsy. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider re-writing the entire dialog to read something like the following: "Greetings [Rank]. I am the assistant of Captain Kunovah, Station Commander of Deep Space 21. He is requesting you attend a diplomatic conference between the Federation and Klingon governments to be held on the station. We need your diplomatic expertise and Captain Kunovah hopes we will not need your skills as a starship Captain."
Mission Task: Even though you clearly state the start location of the first custom map in the Grant Mission dialog the mission task should also contain the start location as well. This will make sure the players can find the start point at anytime.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a very nice use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog.
End Part 1 Report
Federation Mission - The Kniron Incident
Author: Kyle21Davidson
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HFBZQOGKH
Part 2 Report Start
MAPS:
The Kniron System: This is a really good map design. The dialog is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map.
Deep Space 21: The map design is good. The dialog is very detailed and well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialog; consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "A reasonable precaution" or something along those lines.
-The "Talk with Captain Kunovah" task, in the "tell me about D'Gark" dialog; consider changing "more ruthless than the even the average Klingon" to read "ruthless than the average Klingon".
-The "Tell me about yourself" dialog; the "Is that all" statement at the bottom seems out of place. Also consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "Very interesting" or something along those lines.
-The "Tell me about Commander Keeral" dialog; the first response button "Continue" works however consider changing the second to read "Interesting" of something along those lines. Consider changing the third "Continue" button to read "Not at this time" or something along those lines. From this point I will not note the use of "Continue" as a response button. It will be addressed in the summary in part 1 of this report.
-Consider moving the introduction of the "Kniron First Minister" and the entire follow on dialog in front of the "access the computer" dialog. It seems unlikely that the Station Commander would forget the presence of such an important person.
-In the "Kniron First Minister" dialog she refers to me by my first name.
-The "Use the computer terminal" task; consider changing the "Interact" button to read "Access computer terminal" or something along those lines.
-I am going to assume "Starfleet authorisation accepted" is the UK English version.
-The "Tell me about the Kniron" dialog; consider re-writing the entire dilaog. The "move underground" and the "what was lost" sentences are part of the same subject and should be in the same paragraph. Consider changing "They still have severe problems with poverty and illness though" to read "Poverty and illness are still a major problem for them". Consider changing "Only recently, the Knirons have accepted aid from the Federation and are now being considered for Federation membership" to read "After many years the Kniron have finally accepted Federation aid. They are recovering slowly and have applied for Federation membership".
-The "Tell me more about their culture" dialog; consider changing "There are fears that some Kniron will show opposition to becoming" to read "There is concern that some Kniron may oppose becoming".
-It seems unlikely that the Station First Officer would countermand the orders of the Station Commander to coerce the players character into stopping the review of the computer data.
-The "Operate transporter pad" task; consider changing the "Interact" button to read "Energize" or something along those lines.
-The Captain D'Gark dialog; he refers to me by my first name. Consider changing that to read "You must the infamous [Rank] [LastName] I've heard so much about".
-The map transfer dialog feels a little awkward. To make this dialog work you should re-write the "Captain D'Gark" dialog so D'Gark requests a tour of the station. This would lead to a rewrite of the map transfer dialog. You could change it to something like; "[Rank] the conference will be held on deck 5, section K2" or something like this.
Deck 5: The map design is good and the dialog is very detailed and well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Post explosion and fire dialog; consider changing "The fire suppression systems are offline! Computer - activate fire suppression systems!" to read "Computer activate fire suppression systems!" Add the computers response dialog. Then insert "The fire suppression systems are offline!" This would make more sense in the flow of the story dialog.
-The sensor log computer dialog; after stating the explosive is "Known to be used by the Romulans" in response to "Is this device used by any other species" the reply is "Negative". Then the computer goes on to tell "They are known to be sold by various criminal elements". It goes on to mention the Orion Syndicate and how it is popular among mercenaries.
-I'm guessing "25:00" is a reference to another planetary system time. Like Bajor or some other planet.
-The "Talk to Captain Kunovah" dialog; consider changing "there ar signs of sabotague" to read "there are signs of sabotage".
-Consider changing "The infirmary has informed" to read "Sickbay has informed".
-Consider changing "report to the infirmary" to read "report to sickbay".
-Consider adding animation to the extra crew that show up in the passageway after the explosion.
-Map transfer dialog and button. Consider changing the "Interact" button to read "Take the turbolift" or something along those lines. Consider changing "The infirmary is on deck 11" to read "Sickbay is on deck 11". Also consider changing the response button "Go to Next Map" to read "Deck 11".
Sickbay: The map design is well done, and the story dialog is very detailed. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Doctor Ki'ata dialog; consider changing "He almost took the full wrath of the blast" to read "He took almost the full force of the blast".
-Consider changing "beamed to the infirmary" to read "beamed to sickbay".
-The "Captain D'Gark" dialog; he refers to me by my first name. Consider changing this to [Rank] [LastName].
-Consider changing "forgive my First officer" to read "forgive my First Officer".
-Consider changing "using Infirmary computer" to read "using sickbay computer".
-The computer dialog; consider changing all use of the word "sabotague" to read "sabotage".
OPS: The map design is good. The story dialog is very detailed but a little confusing in places. You may want to do a little re-write of the dialog in some spots to help it flow a little better. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Then intention do you propose" to read "Then what intention do you propose".
-The [MissionInfo] dialog that tells the player they have to choose who tried to kill Captain D'Gark or the mission fails. This never happens and the next thing the player notices the Klingons have left and on their way to attack the planet. Consider removing that dialog and the dialog leading up to that point to include the "Check for listening devices" dialog. Instead you could change the whole dialog to go with the Klingons enraged as the player tries to explain what has happened they leave. They are on their way to attack the planet. That would make this maps story dialog flow much better than it is currently written.
-Consider changing "he had enough troops" to read "he has enough troops".
-Consider changing the Map transfer button "Energise" to read "Energize".
The Kniron System#2: This is a really good map design and the battles are tough but not impossible. The story dialog is good. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map.
Kniron Homeworld: The map design is well done and the dialog is well written.
-Consider changing the direction the spawn point is pointing since the initial dialog said the ruins are directly ahead when they are actually to the players left on beam down.
-You should consider either adding a couple of battles on this map or removing it as it doesnt really seem to be needed to drive the story.
Kniron City: This is a great map design. The buildings and the cavern you designed around it is excellent. The dialog was good. The battles are tough but not impossible to beat. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial dialog; consider changing "The civillian population has been told to stay" to read "The civilian population have been told to stay".
-A group of Klingons to the north of the spawn point is in the ceiling.
-A couple of the buildings appear to be higher than the others. I noticed it because the stairs leading up to them are a good jumping distance to get up on.
-The map transfer dialog shows my ships Science officer who is not on my away team. The dialog is as if they are on my away team. Check the character selected for this dialog.
The Kniron System#3: The map design is excellent and the battles are great. The story dialog is well done. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The spawn point is inside the atmosphere. Consider moving everything a little further out from the planet.
Deep Space 21#2: This is a good map and a nice wrap up to the story. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The "Speak with the Captains" dialog; consider changing "I realise that" to read "I realize that".
-Consider changing the response buttons "Continue" to something appropriate to the two Captains dialog.
End Part 2 Report
Thanks for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. This is a great mission concept. The story and map design are well done. Keep up the good work.
Brian
This critique report also filed 11/28/2011 on forum posting for: In depth mission reports upon request.
As far as the optional objective in Ops, I was trying to emphasise the fact that the player needed to make a decision. Unfortunately, I'll need to rework this.
The feedback is truly appreciated, though! It did take me quite a while to create this mission, so I'm glad somebody enjoyed it! I'll begin editing my mission within the next few days (assuming the editor comes back online)!
I was actually only looking for the Klingons in the ceiling because someone noted that in one of the feedbacks on the mission on STO. I like to read feedback if any has been left to get a feel for what others have seen too. You may be right and it is an actual bug. If you havent already tried this, you might try moving that group to a different location or creating a whole new group. Hopefully the Foundry will be up and running again early next week.
I knew the player had to make a choice but I was never given the chance to do so. Even though we all know there is only one outcome to any decision made based on the linear nature of the story line section of the Foundry. I just wanted to let you know what I saw happen. It actually flowed okay with the exception of the dialog I noted. Otherwise it was just fine.
While working on a new mission of my own I noted they removed the ability to fail dialog. This of course means if you have multiple choice dialogs, such as computer logs, you have to make cascading dialog and then go back and make sure you get them all exact. It was so much easier when you could fail the dialog and they had to start over.
Anyway, the mission is still a blast. Thanks for authoring.
Brian