A Mysterious Mage

brunomalta · June 2013

A Mysterious Mage by @brunomaltasisko

NW-DH25ZWZ9T

Mission Type: Story, exploration
Average Duration: 20 Min
Amount of Combat: Balanced
Starts at: Protectors Enclave

Mission Summary: Cleric Millan Freemor, from the Order of the Guardians, send word that he is looking for you to help him investigate a strange group called "Followers of the Hand" and why they want to locate the resting place of a mage called Adam Warlock.

brunomalta · June 2013

Some pics from my quest!

brunomalta · June 2013

Video Review by visigoth18

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xER71SZ_6AA&feature=youtu.be

lolsorhand · July 2013

I feel some sort of hate/love with this quest. I didn't like what many others seem to like, an explanation of many things in the start. I did like the lore elements but even though you did use the word awesome, I wasn't ready for a immersion breaking as random puns across the map. Still think I will replay this and give it a 4/5 Because it was well done, and deserve atleast that.

But you should make it obvious in the description what the quest is about, because that just crashed my experience.

The map was detailed and well done, the encounters was fun/interesting though would enjoy more challenge at the lower levels, as I ran this as a Guardian Fighter. But overall it was a fun experience, I have to replay it to give it the rating it deserves. Three is way to low when I think back to it.

casten24 · July 2013

Heya, Bruno! Glad to see you got your quest up.

Managed to play it, too.

The storyline is very compelling and engaging... despite the constant grammatical errors (such as using 'on' when you should be using 'in,' not capitalizing the 'i's, and the misspelling of immense as imense.). There were some conversations that had information that wasn't needed (one particular instance was in the first conversation... the clerics mentions something about other planes {I think it was in speculation of where Adam Warlock was from} the inclusion of "Sigil" was an unnecessary bit of added information that broke the flow on the conversator's words. Almost like it was an after thought that was added by you because you thought "any of a number of planes" wasn't clear enough). You should also go back and check on your OOC. Some of it can actually be shown in game. In particular, the room containing Adam Warlocks tomb. The OOC says "You see many candles and all sorts of things in the room" but outside of the OOC you don't actually see it. The general rule of storywriting is "show, don't tell." In general writing (that being pen {or other various writing tools} and paper), that usually means describe actions that show emotions (i.e. "His eyes darted between the ground and the huge, hulking mass of a man that stood towering over him; all the while unable to control the trembling that seemed to envelope his body." is much more visual than, "He cowered before the giant of a man."). In video game and movie environments, you have the actors portray their emotions through acting. (i.e. a scene that comes to mind is from The Dark Knight, the non-chalant attitude of Ledger before he slams the guys head into a pencil, shows the level of insanity the Joker possesses). I understand that some OOC is necessary because the foundry has a poor selection of emotes, however, when using it, it's better to check and see if an emote will suffice. Break up conversations with continue options, if necessary. And if you can't find the exact emote, see if you can re-word the conversation to make a different emote work. One particular use that really stood out as unnecessary was during the conversation with the depressed mimic. You do an outstanding job showing that the mimic is grumpy through his manner of speech and the words he uses. You do it so well, that you don't need to include the OOC that "the mimic sure is grumpy," at all.

On to environments... I really enjoyed the layout. It gave it a mausoleum feel. Which works exceedingly well as it's the tomb of a very important wizard. However there were two places that I thought were rather lacking in scenery. One was the garden area. It didn't feel as lush as and tranquil as the accompanying diary entry leads the reader to believe. The other place was the burial chamber of Adam Warlock (the reasons which I stated in the previous paragraph). The room that I really enjoyed was the specimen chamber. It gave the appearance of just how vast the multiverse is (the inclusion of a Mario reference, a LotR reference and a Doctor Who reference I found exceedingly appealing). If possible try to include more, though, as the room is big so take advantage of that. Honestly I was hoping to see something of yours in that room; as a fan of the multiverse theory, as well as a fan of the view of "literature as alternate universe," I think it would add a pleasant little addition to the room. Hopefully, you aren't close enough to the detail limit to add some of this stuff.

Other than that it's just logic stuff... In the early diary entries, you get the sense that the person who wrote the diaries was locking the tomb away from the rest of his order, yet in a later entry, he says he's writing the entries to make the mausoleum seem like a museum. It seems odd that he would do that, if very few people are going to be visiting the place. While the logic doesn't break the story (meaning it works the way it is), it does stand out as extremely out of the ordinary. The personality of the diary writer doesn't really come off as someone who would do that, so maybe try to emphasize the writer's desire wish to catalog everything for the sake of cataloging, rather than as a museum tour (maybe have it where another one of the clerics suggested using the catalog as a possible museum like tour and the writer thinking it was a good idea, although rather useless as he didn't believe many, if any, would enter and that he'd do it only to appease the cleric who suggested it, because he found the cleric to be... novel or something, and that made him likable enough to the writer). One other thing was the sarcophagi at the beginning. It's a tomb dedicated to Adam Warlock... Who else would be buried there?

Anyway, I look forward to the next chapter of the story; You have a knack for creating engaging and thorough story premises. And if you'd like me to give the Mysterious Mage another go, to catch any grammatical mistakes that you may have missed (after you've made some corrections, of course), I'd be happy to do it. Anyway, I hope this helps.

Oh, as an aside, I managed to finish the first chapter of my campaign... So, now there is the prologue as well as the first chapter to complete. I think you'll really enjoy the first chapter's environments... especially the test of courage (the second test).

brunomalta · July 2013

Hey casten, glad to see you....sorry for the delay. I had some personal problems and was away from the PC these past days. Thanks for the detailed explanation and i will be sure to correct these errors and would like very much your help. I will give your quest a go latter today.

lolsorhand, i also appreciate your input and i know that my quest is not everyone cup of tea. Thanks for the feedback tought

andrew12s · August 2013

The description of your quest "The Mysterious Mage" has a couple of typos, (sends instead of "send" and campaign instead of "campaing"). It also could use a little rework for better reading.

Present version:
Cleric Millan Freemor, from the Order of the Guardians, send word that he is looking for you to help investigate a strange group called "Followers of the Hand" and why they want to locate the resting place of a mage called Adam Warlock. It is the start of an epic campaing to stop a threat against Faerun and other worlds.

Suggestion:
Cleric Millan Freemor, from the Order of the Guardians, has sent word for you to help investigate a group called Followers of the Hand. He wants to know why they want to locate the resting place of the mage Adam Warlock.

This is the start of an epic campaign to stop a threat against Faerun and other worlds.

Some of your dialogs need editing as well and could be broken up into smaller paragraphs for faster reading. They all tend to be one long paragraph.

I really liked the premises and plot of your story and plan to follow with The Gem of Time also. Good use of effects also although the museum effect was a little overdone. A smaller area with fewer exhibits would have gotten the point across. However that was not a bad touch. The Doctor who references may have been going a little too far though. That's just my opinion, of course.

All things considered it was quite fun and interesting.

Hi! I could use some help getting my first quest out of the basement also. It will probably work best in a group. Else take plenty of healing potions with you.

campaign: Drakemore's Secret; NWS-DTNY8A53M
quest: An Urgent Request; NW-DNXLIDSL3

A Mysterious Mage

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