[UGC] The Whispers from the Void

celestarion · June 2013

Name: The Whispers from the Void
ID: NW-DUISZ4OXA
@celestarion

Lenght: 30 to 50 minutes depending on your dialogue choices.

Difficulty: Solo mission with companion.

Lore: Fantastic/Horror take inspiration from Lovecraft
Mission type: Story, Combat, Lore, Exploration, Pen & Paper
Combat: Solo, medium difficulty, the end can be difficult
TAGS: #BALANCED #HORROR #LORE

Here is my quest after lot of hours (about 150) tweaking, balancing, translating and so on.
You'll maybe see mistakes. Please feel free to report it here. I'm open with critics and would be happy to test your quests too.

Your eye is drawn to a small hand-written poster on the panel. Below the picture of an old scrawled house you can read:

"Murder of Dr. West in his Manor! We are actively seeking brave Investigators to find the murderer and hunt the creatures lurking in the Domains.

We do not reimburse the loss of Sanity points... "

- Georgie, the Keeper

orodalf · June 2013

Typos:

Club door: "I hear voices and music..." (article "a" unneeded)
Georgie: "Hello to you, Investigator!" (comma)
Georgie: "You are in a good place, Investigator." (comma)
Georgie: "Isn't that a little pretentious?" (that, not "it")
Georgie: "Those 'freaks,' as you call them, are honorable investigators like yourself!" (this reads better)
Georgie: "Please have some respect for your fellow players!" (this reads better)
Georgie: "Hmm, maybe you are a freak after all. I'm not even sure it's a female."
Georgie: "I was obviously joking as well!" (this reads better)
Georgie: "How old are you, kid?" (comma)
Georgie: "So it's enough for you not to call me kid and for me to live alone in this little house." (object)
Georgie: "That's a bit disconcerting..." (that, and capitalize)
Georgie: "But step by step, thanks to my storytelling skills, you..." (comma)
Georgie: "I recommend that you [MissionInfo]speak with them[/MissionInfo]..." (spelling and that, not to)
Georgie: "Now that you have met the other players, we can start." (that)
Georgie: "Hey, I was wondering about something. How will I understand anything the others say? They don't speak my language..." (this reads better.)
Georgie: "[MissionInfo]I will translate everything[/MissionInfo], so you won't notice a thing.

I'm studying several languages at university, so this also gives me time to practice.

I really love Ogre mythology, and mastering the language is a plus!" (conjunction, reads better, run-on fixes)
Georgie: "It has been a while since I've played with an intellectually developed race..." (spelling and sentence-fix.)
Georgie: "The night fell faster than usual." (end punctuation)
Georgie: "The next morning, [MissionInfo]a message from Professor Wilmarth[/MissionInfo] asked urgently for Inspector Thompson's help at The West's Manor." (clarity)
Georgie: "After a short travel, [MissionInfo]you arrive at the Manor.[/MissionInfo]" (at, not around)
Georgie: "As soon as you approach the Manor, the fresh air turns into..." (comma, tense)
Georgie: "[MissionInfo]The place is easily flooded[/MissionInfo], so keep your feet dry." (comma)
The Outsider speaks in French.
Front Door: "Yes, Inspector, he is... was... my husband..." (comma)
Front Door: "I beg you to save him. Do so, and I will open the door." (clarity)
One-eyed Ash: "They're still after me. I was only doin' some gardening." (clarity)
One-eyed Ash: "I lost it 3 years ago, but..." (comma)
Front Door: "Have you found and saved Ash? Is he alive?"
Front Door: "Yes, Madame, and your gardener is "physically" secure.
Objective: "Prevent the Undead from getting in!" (Undead is already plural)
You call the Cutthroats "Skeletons," but they clearly aren't Skeletons.
Madame West: "Do your job quickly, Inspector. I would like to bury him." (comma, spelling)
Professor Wilmarth: "People from town gave me very good reports about you." ("feedbacks" is not a word, "reports" works better)
The option for Wilmarth is just "C".
Professor Wilmarth: "I've known Herbert West for about 5 years."
Professor Wilmarth: "A stupid fall on her head while she was playing in the garden..."
Professor Wilmarth: "Maybe a little stress, but I suppose it was because he was working so hard."
One-eyed Ash: "Hello again, Mister Inspector!"
One-eyed Ash: "... he was obsessed with the idea of bringing her back to life!"
One-eyed Ash: "Can I consider this your confession?"
One-eyed Ash: "...whether she was present or not." (not "although")

orodalf · June 2013

Continued:

"Crypte - Porte - Fermee - Petite, Bois" still has its default French name.
Madame West: "I'm feeling better, Mister Thompson."
Madame West: You call the upper floor the "first floor." American conventions call this the second floor; if you wish to keep it British, I'd understand, but I'm not sure many players would.
A footprint: "I know this footprint well... it's mine... but I've never set foot in this house before..." (clarity)
The West's Room: "I should first inspect the mark of movement near the bookcase." ("mark of move" isn't really an expression we use...)
A mark of move: You should call it "A mark of movement." Also, don't capitalize "bookcase."
Blood splatters: "Un morceau de Miroir ensanglante est dissimule dans un tas d'os sur l'Autel." You might want to translate this to "A bloodied mirror shard is hidden in a pile of bones on the altar."
Doctor West: "It is likely that this is the "focus" the parchment spoke about.
The Closet Key description: "A key found in Doctor West's pocket." (found, not find, no need for article)
"Docteur West from the Past": Might want to translate "Docteur" to "Doctor."
"Possede - Cadavre du Docteur West" should be translated to "Possessed - Corpse of Doctor West"
"Kill again Doctor West" should be "Kill Doctor West again!"
Georgie, the Keeper: "While you're reading the..." (not whereas)
The Outsider: "I've been here for forty-two millennia, but I do not know.
"Possessed - Ash le Borgne" should be translated to "Possessed - One-eyed Ash."
"Astral Form" speaks in French and says "Votre corps m'appartient!", which should be translated to "Your body belongs to me!"
"Humanity" speaks in French and says "Depechez vous... je ne le retiendrai pas longtemps...", which should be translated to "Hurry up... I cannot stay for long..."
Georgie: "My congratulations, [Nickname]!" (capitalization, comma)
The final objective is "Sortir," which should be translated to "Exit."
Just a general note: "alors que" should be translated as "while," not "whereas."

Other comments:

Well done. I don't know the source material, unfortunately. I hope it isn't too close, though.
Very, very creepy, though the beginning felt a little slow.
Try not to use so many ellipses (...).
The translation from French to English does sort of get in the way of meaning. My corrections will help, but only a bit. =/

Also, accented letters can't be put in posts. I don't know why. So I left them out.

My quest is NW-DNHUS45KC.

celestarion · June 2013

Thank you a lot for your amazing job! I'm publishing a new version with your correction.

It's very important for me because I've tried to reach a great quality in the quest and I was afraid of my translation's mistakes.
FYI, this quest is the first in French Foundry Best's tab for the moment.

I've add your name in a special thank at the begining of the quest (on the sign board).

I'm going to test your quest and I'll try to do my best for the review.

sentimentalscar · June 2013

Finally, you've made a post about your quest! I've tested it and it's awesome! The story is very good and immersive. There is a high quality work in the design (water on the ceiling, some rooms are amazing! I could tell more but I don't want to spoil!

) I highly recommend it. One of the best foundries I've played! 5 Stars of course.

celestarion · June 2013

Thank you a lot for the comment

Feel free to give me your quest if you need any feedbacks.

If I could have other reviews it would be great! Don't be shy, I'm pretty sure you'll appreciate the quest! Cthulhu is waiting for you ;p

dzogen · June 2013

What can I say? Some of the environments were super trippy and the coolest stuff out there. I hope you get more plays.

Maybe even cut it into 2 maps...people should play this one.

EDIT : Oh one piece of constructive ... in the room with the floating buildings and stuff, I chose the book option, I did have a hard time finding my way..so maybe add antoher book or two...try retesting it.

lolsorhand · June 2013

I'll deffo give this one a try tomorrow. 40 min or not, here i come

hb4gaming · June 2013

My God! That was a great quest Celestarion! I don't even begin to wonder why you made it to the "Best" tab in the French Foundry! If someone has ever rated you less than five stars for that masterful job, I'd be shocked. What a fabulous storyteller you are!

I'm making my husband play it again with me the second he gets home tonight, which will garner you another well-deserved ten stars...

: D

celestarion · June 2013

Thank you for your really cool and nice feedbacks! I hope you'll bring me some luck with your reviews

.

I'll check the book option and see if I can add another one.

Next step is 20 reviews now!

maerwin · June 2013

This quest is simply awesome. I've played several 'horror' quests before and got the feeling that you simply can't make a good horror quest in the Foundry. You have proven me wrong. 5/5 and would have tipped if I wasn't on my lvl 6 cleric

If you want to play my quest (which now feels amateur in comparison), the link is in my sig. Thanks

oldseawulf · June 2013

An excellent quest, if somewhat strange, it just shows what the foundry is capable of. Love to be able to create anything this good... Keep up the good work!

celestarion · June 2013

Thank you for your compliments!

The quest is close to 20 reviews, need 9 more and it will be able to fly away!

If you try this quest, you won't regret for sure!

anrix2 · June 2013

celestarion wrote: »

Thank you for your compliments!

The quest is close to 20 reviews, need 9 more and it will be able to fly away!

If you try this quest, you won't regret for sure!

We should probably quest trade. Based on your avatar I think you may enjoy mine as well. Read the non-objective items. Regardless I'll check this out as soon as I am done with work, in 8 hours or so.

celestarion · June 2013

anrix2 wrote: »

We should probably quest trade. Based on your avatar I think you may enjoy mine as well. Read the non-objective items. Regardless I'll check this out as soon as I am done with work, in 8 hours or so.

Your screenshots are really fascinating, I like it! I'm going to test it in a while.

zbkolde · June 2013

This was very well done. Your atmospheres were amazing, at least what i saw of them, i never made it inside the manor. But what i did see was really neat, i loved how the water was rising.

My level 60 Cleric (with all level 60 gear, mostly purple, "Sacred Hands" set, level 30 panther companion with level 60 enchanted gear) used up several heal potions and still died twice, so i'm moving on for now. Maybe i'll get a friend to help me with it later.

celestarion · June 2013

zbkolde wrote: »

My level 60 Cleric (with all level 60 gear, mostly purple, "Sacred Hands" set, level 30 panther companion with level 60 enchanted gear) used up several heal potions and still died twice, so i'm moving on for now. Maybe i'll get a friend to help me with it later.

It's very disapointing for me because I hate difficult quests.
When did you die (at the grave or at the door with waves)? I put one group of encounters at a time to avoid the impossible difficulty often seen in Foundry. But I tried to put a normal group + an easy group in front of the door (with the warveteran) and at the grave, I will change it.

The quest is a solo quest so I really have to balance the difficulty.

Edit:
I just balanced 2 groups of ennemies (the one in front of the grave, and the last wave in front of the door). It's publishing right now. I know how cleric can be difficult to play, and unfortunatly I never try the quest with a Cleric 60. My main is a GF 52, and it seems that level 60 is really a gap in difficulty. I know it can be boring for you, but could you please try again and tell me if it's ok for you now? I want the quest playable by everyone in Solo. If needed I can reimburse potions

lolsorhand · June 2013

Here you have a bump

As soon as I get back from work, i'll get down to start reviewing my list lol

zbkolde · June 2013

celestarion wrote: »

It's very disapointing for me because I hate difficult quests.
When did you die (at the grave or at the door with waves)? I put one group of encounters at a time to avoid the impossible difficulty often seen in Foundry. But I tried to put a normal group + an easy group in front of the door (with the warveteran) and at the grave, I will change it.

The quest is a solo quest so I really have to balance the difficulty.

Edit:
I just balanced 2 groups of ennemies (the one in front of the grave, and the last wave in front of the door). It's publishing right now. I know how cleric can be difficult to play, and unfortunatly I never try the quest with a Cleric 60. My main is a GF 52, and it seems that level 60 is really a gap in difficulty. I know it can be boring for you, but could you please try again and tell me if it's ok for you now? I want the quest playable by everyone in Solo. If needed I can reimburse potions

Yes the first time was at the grave. The witch summons more zombies, combined with the others that you placed there, i just got bombarded before i could get her killed and went down pretty fast, before i could really react. And yes, the second time was at the door, after she let the guy in but wanted me to kill some more things first. I got through some of them, the first wave i guess, but there were just too many things coming at me after that and i died again.

I will give it another try later.

karitr · June 2013

My feedback:

Different endings can be written and triggered - e.g. Final Examination, NW-DRMB39T5T (@Sintered)

Loved the fact that once an item had been looked at, the fairy lights on it disappeared. Not everyone bothers with this and it can be distracting.

"these people" (around the table) not "this"

You generally don't include "the" before the titles in someones name - Doctor, Inspector etc. "The" should only be used when professions are used in the lower case. For example:

"the strange murder of the doctor, Herbert West", or
"the strange murder of Doctor Herbert West" (this would be preferable).

Lighting, ambience, The Outsider...all excellent.

Too many grammatical errors to list, so I won't continue along that path. I'm not a student of English by any means, but happy to proof-read the transcript if you wish.

Inside the mansion, at the end of your conversation with One-eye you state you are off to view the body. However, the quest instructions direct you to the basement.

Love what you did with the upstairs

That creepy outsider and OMG the blood in the bedroom. Brilliant.

Leaving the doctor's bedroom, The Outsider is now labelled "L'Etranger" and addresses the player-character in French ("Vouz allez mourir").

And now a flooded house, amazing work.

Final thoughts:
Truly excellent. I played this adventure in just short of 75 mins (jotting notes as I went) and didn't once think "when will this be over". The ever-changing environments were really, really well done. I can't praise them enough.
I've left my comments in the order I made them, but there is far more good than not good in this UGC and the grammar issues can easily be fixed.

celestarion · June 2013

karitr wrote: »

Final thoughts:
Truly excellent. I played this adventure in just short of 75 mins (jotting notes as I went) and didn't once think "when will this be over". The ever-changing environments were really, really well done. I can't praise them enough.
I've left my comments in the order I made them, but there is far more good than not good in this UGC and the grammar issues can easily be fixed.

Thank you for your comments! I've fixed the bugs you reported above.

Concerning the translation, I know it reduces the general quality (and it's one of the strong point in this quest). Unfortunately, English is not my mother tongue, and I think I've reach my limit.
So I'll have to wait a brave soul to help me with grammatical errors

Just to be aware of the texts quality: if you had to rate the localization on 5, how many would you give?

anrix2 · June 2013

This was a really well written story. There are still some grammatical errors, but overall there is not much to say because it is a really well thought out story and execution. I loved that curtain call at the end, in addition to a bunch of other stuff you pulled off, like the time and space collision when the house is upside down, and the random assortment of confusion floating over what I think was the tower district. I even like the Lovecraftain references with the dimensional interference.

karitr · June 2013

celestarion wrote: »

Thank you for your comments! I've fixed the bugs you reported above.

Concerning the translation, I know it reduces the general quality (and it's one of the strong point in this quest). Unfortunately, English is not my mother tongue, and I think I've reach my limit.
So I'll have to wait a brave soul to help me with grammatical errors

Just to be aware of the texts quality: if you had to rate the localization on 5, how many would you give?

I'd give it a 3/5 for localisation, but that's me: I'm a little harsh when it comes to spelling (which was good) and grammar (which was not so good), but overall the context and meaning was still there. It seemed that at the end of the quest, the written component got a little more confuzzled (that's a made up word!) which may have been down to tiredness, lack of concentration etc.

Like I said in my post, I would be happy to proof-read the transcript and make suggested changes if you wish.

celestarion · June 2013

karitr wrote: »

Like I said in my post, I would be happy to proof-read the transcript and make suggested changes if you wish.

Thanks a lot.

Right now I don't have any document with the texts, it's only in Foundry. I could create an exel with the quest texts.

technoskald · June 2013

I would strongly suggest doing that so you can get some additional help with the translation. I liked the use of environmental effects and the jumping puzzle, but the story felt a little muddled and hard to follow here and there.

karitr · June 2013

celestarion wrote: »

Thanks a lot.

Right now I don't have any document with the texts, it's only in Foundry. I could create an exel with the quest texts.

Excel would be fine. I will PM you my email so you can forward it to me.

celestarion · June 2013

The localization's polishing is in progress thanks to karitr, my savior!

If you're going to test "The Whispers from the Void", please take this element in consideration or I'll be forced to remove the quest during the correcting time to avoid negative ratings.

Thanks for your understanding and your patience

.

celestarion · June 2013

The localization has been proof-read and corrected by Karitr and is now published. You'll see, she's done a great job.

If you haven't play this quest, you are welcome. I'd like to have more review by the forum now the texts are fixed. If you want me to test your quest, please precise the ID in your review.

celestarion · July 2013

I've made some upgrades and taken a lot of time on balancing. Even if the quest has a good amount of reviews in game, I'd be happy to have some reviews from other authors here or a player with a good experience of Foundry quests.

My aim is to improve anything relevant and authors' opinion is the best way to reach a better quality.

[UGC] The Whispers from the Void

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