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The Spoiler
canadascott
Posts: 1,257 Arc User
(Warning: Spoilers for Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice. Note, this is an IC fiction piece only and not a review of the movie, which many have enjoyed, and which many have also criticized.)
“Isn’t this great?” Sean exclaimed, munching on his popcorn. “This fight is gonna be awesome!”
Craig squirmed in his seat, sighing. It was bad enough when Sean dragged him to this movie the first time, but he wanted to watch it again? Teenagers. He muttered something about Christopher Reeve under his breath.
“Come on Batman,” Sean grinned. “Kick his **** again!”
Craig snorted in disgust, and finally rose to his feet. People immediately snarled at him to sit down. Sean winced. “Uncle Craig, you’re wrecking the movie!”
“Incubus,” Thundrax said with a growl, referring to an omnipotent, malevolent cosmic imp with whom he'd clashed repeatedly over the years. “You remember that favor you once promised me, as long as it’s totally selfish? I’m calling it in.”
With that, Craig walked into the screen.
“Who are you?” Batman and Superman exclaimed together. Craig shook his head.
“The “S” stands for hope?” Craig said. “How about for “stupid”. You’ve got an hour to find your mom, and you waste it on a fight scene? Duh. Superspeed, moron. Use it. Not to mention access to a crack investigative team who might move the damn planet to find a popular co-worker’s kidnapped mom.” He turned on Batman. “And you! Lex Luthor’s ****!” He placed a Lexcorp logo over the bat symbol on his chest.
“I can take you down too.” the Bat growled.
“Shut up, Luthor's ****. Oh, by the way, when you said that a 1% chance of him being hostile made you perform an action that has a much higher chance of turning a potentially deadly alien into an enemy... so damn stupid. I so wanted to hit you in the face."
"Try it."
"Give me a break. Even if I wasn't playing Rod Sterling for a day..."
"That's Serling," Superman corrected.
"Fine. Even if I wasn't playing Rod Serling for a day, you don't know my abilities and you haven't made preparations to handle me, so you're hosed." Craig answered. “But for now you’re going to stop being an emotionally stunted three year old and listen to me as I explain everything Luthor’s done to set up this fight. Also, to cut to he chase and quote the Brady Bunch, Martha, Martha, Martha.”
“Wasn’t that Marcia?” Superman wondered.
“Details, Details,” Thundrax chided dismissively. “And as long as I’m here…” Craig concentrated and the sky cleared. Batman shielded his eyes. “Man, no wonder you’re all angry and depressed. This palette makes Caprice look cheery and wholesome.”
“What’s Caprice?” Superman again wondered.
“Shut up. I’m talking.” Craig snapped, and he explained to Batman everything Luthor had done to set up the climactic showdown. He could see Batman's face drop by the end of the very long explanation. “Some detective you are. You still want to fight, Luthor’s ****?”
Batman said nothing.
“Good. Now, bad CGI Doomsday is on his way, so don’t throw out the Kryptonite spear, give it to Wonder Woman instead, she’s tough enough to handle it, not to mention Amazon training. Okay, I think I’ve done enough for you two morons. This thing is almost as dumb as Thundrax the movie, and that’s saying a lot. But remember you two. Adult yourself. Testosterone can be controlled.”
With that, Craig stepped back out of the picture and returned to his seat, smiling in deep satisfaction. Sean Doerksen dumped his popcorn on the Canadian hero and, hands on his hips, shouted angrily at the Canadian.
“That was the best fight scene ever and you ruined it!” He paused to hyperventilate. “Never take a superhero to see a superhero movie! You’re worse than dad!”
Craig settled back in his seat and chuckled, drinking in the dirty looks of the rest of the audience.
“Isn’t this great?” Sean exclaimed, munching on his popcorn. “This fight is gonna be awesome!”
Craig squirmed in his seat, sighing. It was bad enough when Sean dragged him to this movie the first time, but he wanted to watch it again? Teenagers. He muttered something about Christopher Reeve under his breath.
“Come on Batman,” Sean grinned. “Kick his **** again!”
Craig snorted in disgust, and finally rose to his feet. People immediately snarled at him to sit down. Sean winced. “Uncle Craig, you’re wrecking the movie!”
“Incubus,” Thundrax said with a growl, referring to an omnipotent, malevolent cosmic imp with whom he'd clashed repeatedly over the years. “You remember that favor you once promised me, as long as it’s totally selfish? I’m calling it in.”
With that, Craig walked into the screen.
“Who are you?” Batman and Superman exclaimed together. Craig shook his head.
“The “S” stands for hope?” Craig said. “How about for “stupid”. You’ve got an hour to find your mom, and you waste it on a fight scene? Duh. Superspeed, moron. Use it. Not to mention access to a crack investigative team who might move the damn planet to find a popular co-worker’s kidnapped mom.” He turned on Batman. “And you! Lex Luthor’s ****!” He placed a Lexcorp logo over the bat symbol on his chest.
“I can take you down too.” the Bat growled.
“Shut up, Luthor's ****. Oh, by the way, when you said that a 1% chance of him being hostile made you perform an action that has a much higher chance of turning a potentially deadly alien into an enemy... so damn stupid. I so wanted to hit you in the face."
"Try it."
"Give me a break. Even if I wasn't playing Rod Sterling for a day..."
"That's Serling," Superman corrected.
"Fine. Even if I wasn't playing Rod Serling for a day, you don't know my abilities and you haven't made preparations to handle me, so you're hosed." Craig answered. “But for now you’re going to stop being an emotionally stunted three year old and listen to me as I explain everything Luthor’s done to set up this fight. Also, to cut to he chase and quote the Brady Bunch, Martha, Martha, Martha.”
“Wasn’t that Marcia?” Superman wondered.
“Details, Details,” Thundrax chided dismissively. “And as long as I’m here…” Craig concentrated and the sky cleared. Batman shielded his eyes. “Man, no wonder you’re all angry and depressed. This palette makes Caprice look cheery and wholesome.”
“What’s Caprice?” Superman again wondered.
“Shut up. I’m talking.” Craig snapped, and he explained to Batman everything Luthor had done to set up the climactic showdown. He could see Batman's face drop by the end of the very long explanation. “Some detective you are. You still want to fight, Luthor’s ****?”
Batman said nothing.
“Good. Now, bad CGI Doomsday is on his way, so don’t throw out the Kryptonite spear, give it to Wonder Woman instead, she’s tough enough to handle it, not to mention Amazon training. Okay, I think I’ve done enough for you two morons. This thing is almost as dumb as Thundrax the movie, and that’s saying a lot. But remember you two. Adult yourself. Testosterone can be controlled.”
With that, Craig stepped back out of the picture and returned to his seat, smiling in deep satisfaction. Sean Doerksen dumped his popcorn on the Canadian hero and, hands on his hips, shouted angrily at the Canadian.
“That was the best fight scene ever and you ruined it!” He paused to hyperventilate. “Never take a superhero to see a superhero movie! You’re worse than dad!”
Craig settled back in his seat and chuckled, drinking in the dirty looks of the rest of the audience.
/
Post edited by canadascott on
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Comments
My inner comic book dork fell over laughing.
I'm guessing Drax will get his own spin-off film in the DC Cinematic Universe. Probably Phase 2.
More action at Champions Online Comics @ http://co-comics.webs.com
(I'm sincerely hoping, on the other manipulatory appendage, that what we've seen so far is an artifact of Zack Snyder's directing style, and that succeeding movies in that universe will pick things up a tad. But that hope is feeling awfully thin lately...)
- David Brin, "Those Eyes"
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(I'm SO sorry, I couldn't resist.)