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Star Trek: Rajab

Before the Foundry went off-line I completed a mission challenging myself to do a story that "reflects our time." I invite you to play Star Trek: Rajab currently found under Review Content.

The mission explores the refugee crisis before the Paris, Beirut, Saudi Arabia, and Mali attacks. In the next mission, I will take on the crisis after these tragic events.
Post edited by baddmoonrizin on

Comments

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    khregkhreg Member Posts: 379 Arc User
    You have my attention.......
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    ktonof1aqktonof1aq Member Posts: 210 Arc User
    Thanks, Khreg.
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    ktonof1aqktonof1aq Member Posts: 210 Arc User
    ARGH!!! The comments are down for foundry. This mission is going to live in "review content" forever.
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    khregkhreg Member Posts: 379 Arc User
    Want me to wait until everything's back up to play it?
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    ktonof1aqktonof1aq Member Posts: 210 Arc User
    That would be great. I appreciate you.
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    khregkhreg Member Posts: 379 Arc User
    edited November 2015
    No problem.

    Played the first couple of acts. Really like it so far.
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    duncanidaho11duncanidaho11 Member Posts: 7,950 Arc User
    edited December 2015
    Played through just now, Rajab is a great start but I think there's a wee bit more work that needs to be done.

    But before the :( let's talk the altogether more fun :).
    • Good maps, very well put together custom FED interior and I really liked the alien ship.
    • Good writing, perhaps not as many paragraph breaks needed but very competent dialog with emotional point. Good narrative arc too.
    • Good transitions, triggers. Good use of foundry assets.
    • Has significant depth. That's always great to see in foundry missions.
    • Liked that a certain character was given a greater role (but could use a little more explanation).

    But now the :(.
    • Faction representatives represented faction principles very succinctly (good job there) but I think they did go a little over the top. At times they almost felt like caricatures acting against the refugees who seemed like they had the latitude to be genuine characters. This makes the treatment a bit one sided especially when the resolution (as far as I understood it) is more sympathetic to the refugee's point of view and dismissive of the AQ. There are quite legitimate concerns presented by the AQ powers and those probably need to be addressed in more detail to get as much out of this mission as there definitely is available. Try for more politics and less drama here. Drama is good, but I think it's short-cutting the potential for some great dialog.
    • The ending is abrupt. I'm not sure exactly what happened (though I think I get the general points) but it seems like a tangent is introduced when a resolution is needed. Another round at the table might be a better direction than a chase scene leading to more (spoilers).
    • I'd like more background detail on the refugee species and history. This is where a computer terminal with library records might come in handy. :)

    Overall I quite liked Rajab, it has a lot of the details right and the hugely welcome ambition to try something with a big point in STO, but there's a few items that hold it back from the pinnacle. Good work, and I certainly hope to see more in not too long. :)
    Post edited by duncanidaho11 on
    Bipedal mammal and senior Foundry author.
    Notable missions: Apex [AEI], Gemini [SSF], Trident [AEI], Evolution's Smile [SSF], Transcendence
    Looking for something new to play? I've started building Foundry missions again in visual novel form!
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    khregkhreg Member Posts: 379 Arc User
    Since the commenting system is up I'll get back to playing this one in the next couple of days.
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    ktonof1aqktonof1aq Member Posts: 210 Arc User
    Thanks, Khreg. I'd hold off though as I think Duncanidaho11 has given some great suggestions.

    Duncanidaho11,

    Thank you for your honest and insightful critique of my mission, Rajab. I appreciate your comments and will edit the mission to take in your suggestions; suggestions which I agree will make for a much richer story and an enjoyable experience for the player.

    You have also given me a solid idea for adding some space/planetary intrigue rather than the abrupt cliff hanger.

    I applaud the way in which you approached the critique. Giving and receiving criticism is always difficult. You approached it with a very unique method (first the good news, then the “maybe this” approach—I LOVED it).

    I’m honored that you played and thank you for your review.

    LLAP (live long and prosper!).

    Kton
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    khregkhreg Member Posts: 379 Arc User
    ktonof1aq wrote: »
    Thanks, Khreg. I'd hold off though as I think Duncanidaho11 has given some great suggestions.

    Will do.

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    khregkhreg Member Posts: 379 Arc User
    Was hoping to get to (re)playing this one in a couple of weeks. How is your editing going?
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    ktonof1aqktonof1aq Member Posts: 210 Arc User
    Merry Christmas! Editing is going well. I anticipate the revamped mission will be ready in a week or two. Thanks for your continued support/encouragement.
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    khregkhreg Member Posts: 379 Arc User
    edited December 2015
    Most excellent. No rush. I got a list of missions that I'm currently playing thru at a rough rate of one per week (sometimes two), and just added the Photonomy series. I got enough to keep me busy. :D

    Merry Christmas to you as well.
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    khregkhreg Member Posts: 379 Arc User
    What's the status of this one? Almost done with Photonomy series.
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    ktonof1aqktonof1aq Member Posts: 210 Arc User
    edited March 2016
    The production has been hit with a series of problems. A set burnt down (game crashes), actors went on strike (me having fun), several lines were shaved (reducing dialogue), several (superflous) actors fired, and then the producer walked off the set (ergo I got tied up with RL work projects). I'm told the director (me) was flushed, had taken to drinking Saurian brandy (Strawberry hill--because only the finest for this man!), and had contemplated telling the producers (Cryptic), he was moving on to another game (Champions On-line. I love you Cryptic! Don't hate me!).

    You're awesome, Khreb. I appreciate your support and encouragement. I'm still hard at work on the story and I hope you (and others) will like the end product. I'm pushing the re-release date back as I shave dialogue, rework some story areas to make for tighter, more enjoyable gameplay, and try to avoid the "F" trap. I'm also trying desperately to create a challenging adversary for your Captain.

    Spoilers

    It's awesome!

    End spoilers!


    LLAP, friends!

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    khregkhreg Member Posts: 379 Arc User
    Awesome. Sculpt that bad boy into something you'll be proud of. Looking forward to playing.
This discussion has been closed.