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The Sentinels of Andor
psycoticvulcan
Member Posts: 4,160 Arc User
I've just released my very first Foundry mission, and I would very much appreciate it if you guys would help me get it through the review phase. And of course I welcome any constructive feedback. 
Title: The Sentinels of Andor
ID: ST-HUMZ4D6YH
Faction: Federation
Level: 31+
Starting location: Hobus System, Beta Quadrant
Description: An attack on a Federation starship in the Hobus System sparks a desperate race through time and between dimensions to stop an unexpected enemy that could threaten everything you hold dear.
Thanks!
Title: The Sentinels of Andor
ID: ST-HUMZ4D6YH
Faction: Federation
Level: 31+
Starting location: Hobus System, Beta Quadrant
Description: An attack on a Federation starship in the Hobus System sparks a desperate race through time and between dimensions to stop an unexpected enemy that could threaten everything you hold dear.
Thanks!
"Critics who say that the optimistic utopia Star Trek depicted is now outmoded forget the cultural context that gave birth to it: Star Trek was not a manifestation of optimism when optimism was easy. Star Trek declared a hope for a future that nobody stuck in the present could believe in. For all our struggles today, we haven’t outgrown the need for stories like Star Trek. We need tales of optimism, of heroes, of courage and goodness now as much as we’ve ever needed them."
-Thomas Marrone
Post edited by psycoticvulcan on
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Comments
"Critics who say that the optimistic utopia Star Trek depicted is now outmoded forget the cultural context that gave birth to it: Star Trek was not a manifestation of optimism when optimism was easy. Star Trek declared a hope for a future that nobody stuck in the present could believe in. For all our struggles today, we haven’t outgrown the need for stories like Star Trek. We need tales of optimism, of heroes, of courage and goodness now as much as we’ve ever needed them."
-Thomas Marrone
Federation Mission - The Sentinels of Andor
Author: PsycoticVulcan
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HUMZ4D6YH
Report Start
Summary: This is a great story oriented mission with several tough but fun battles and well written dialogue. Despite the tough battles I thoroughly enjoyed the mission and hardly noticed the time it took to play. I would highly recommend it to other players.
Regarding the naming of maps, it is understandable keeping the maps numbered during editing to help you keep them straight. Once you are done editing and ready for publishing I recommend removing the numbers. This will help the maps blend into the story and not just be a number on the list.
Below are a couple of things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is good grant dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: This is a good initial task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the entry prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS:
Hobus System: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
U.S.S. Madison: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Hobus System 2: This is a good map design with tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing the names of the other two ships with the I.R.W. Vraxx from the default ship types. This will help make them seem more a part of the story.
I.S.S. Basilisk: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Hobus System 3: This is a good map design with tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing the names of the other two ships with the I.R.W. Vraxx from the default ship types. This will help make them seem more a part of the story.
Donatu Sector: This is a good map design with some fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The dialogue refers to the rift closing but it remains visible. Consider setting it to disappear.
-The Chral dialogue; consider changing "I though you were a shining example" to read "I thought you were a shining example".
-The post Save the Defiant dialogue; consider changing "Defiant may not be able to fulfil her destiny" to read "Defiant may not be able to fulfill her destiny".
U.S.S. Defiant - Engineering: This is a good map design with tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
U.S.S. Defiant - Crew Deck: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Donatu Sector 2: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Captain Aaron Blake dialogue; consider changing the response button "Good luck, captain. Godspeed" to read "Good luck, Captain. Godspeed".
-Consider changing the BOFF dialogue "another temporal rift, captain" to read "another temporal rift, Captain".
Hobus System 4: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 02/20/2015 on forum posting for: In depth mission reports upon request. The specific report in that posting can also be viewed here: Mission Critique Report - The Sentinels of Andor.
"Critics who say that the optimistic utopia Star Trek depicted is now outmoded forget the cultural context that gave birth to it: Star Trek was not a manifestation of optimism when optimism was easy. Star Trek declared a hope for a future that nobody stuck in the present could believe in. For all our struggles today, we haven’t outgrown the need for stories like Star Trek. We need tales of optimism, of heroes, of courage and goodness now as much as we’ve ever needed them."
-Thomas Marrone
That being said, I want to keep it clear that it's a difficult situation. What would have happened if, in "Yesterday's Enterprise", Captain Garrett had refused to take her ship back in time to its doom? Would Picard -- the war-weary soldier Picard, not the idealistic explorer -- have ordered them to their deaths for the good of the Federation? That's the kind of sadistic situation I wanted to explore.
"Critics who say that the optimistic utopia Star Trek depicted is now outmoded forget the cultural context that gave birth to it: Star Trek was not a manifestation of optimism when optimism was easy. Star Trek declared a hope for a future that nobody stuck in the present could believe in. For all our struggles today, we haven’t outgrown the need for stories like Star Trek. We need tales of optimism, of heroes, of courage and goodness now as much as we’ve ever needed them."
-Thomas Marrone
A Romulan Strike Team, Missing Farmers and an ancient base on a Klingon Border world. But what connects them? Find out in my First Foundary mission: 'The Jeroan Farmer Escapade'
I didn't even think of the replicator solution. The best desperate answer I could come up with was to phone the Enterprise and try and convince Kirk to cook his log (explaining the minimum possible that would make it clear just how sticky the time situation is). Wouldn't try it with an unknown captain, but since I know that Kirk has experience of nasty time paradoxes... and has form with solving awkward situations with large amounts of corbomite...
Either way, it's still not a "too easy" solution, since presumably the Defiant crew could never go home.
Other than that, it might work better if, when Captain Blake refuses to go, rather than the player captain just drawing themselves up to their full height and talking about oaths and hard choices, you give them the option to say "but if you don't go, then..." (then whatever - I'd got slightly confused about which time alteration had led to what by then; not your fault, you laid it out very clearly, it was just too late at night for time-travel stories). I don't know, just an idea.
Other than the question of the ending (which does work very well, well written, as what it is - it's a matter of what you think of what it is), an all-round good mission!
I have not had a chance to play your mission, but reading the reviews and your response to the one with the 3 star rating, I would not change your mission to get a rating changed unless you feel that it is not what you wanted in the story. I have had many ratings on my missions, and no matter what happens, you will always have different opinions. You know the old saying:
"Opinions are like ***holes, everyone has one"!
You should stick with your story the way you want it, and if that is the way it is originally published, so be it. I have had some folks rate my mission with a 1 or a 2 star before because they had an opinion that differed from my intent and plot. I respect that, but I will not change my stories because of opinions. If it is what I wanted in the story, I will leave it.
I recommend you do the same.
Duke-of-Rock
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
by Duke-of-Rock Available on Holodeck