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[joke] Super Special Saturday Ultra Patch Notes
themarie
Member Posts: 1,055 Arc User
Thanks to a wild out-of-control party at Cryptic Headquarters we will be bringing down the servers tomorrow for two hours to institute the following improvements and changes:
General:
* Fixed every single bug in the game since Season 3. Really it wasn't that hard once we broke out the gin.
---Except for FAW. We admit it, we just don't know how it works.
* Deleted all traces of PVP from the game. Seriously. F*ck PvP.
* Finished all the Klingon Content that we promised you years ago. Turns out it was all on a thumb-drive that we forgot about.
Content:
* New Mission: Plot Thread Resolution
--Mission closes out all open plot threads, resolves the story and brings things to a close.
* New Mission: Why Is It Still 2409 (requires Wells class)
--Embark on a mission to find out why the game year remains stuck on 2409, as it has been since launch.
* New Mission: Court Marshal
--Get arrested, hauled in front of the JAG and answer for that one time you were duped into committing war-crimes against the Romulans.
Systems:
* Rebuilt all Borg Cubes to run on an Aux2Batt build
--hahhahahaha BUAhahahahahahahaah! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
* Increased the CRIT rate and CRIT severity of all Borg weapons by 1500%
* Installed One-Hit Invisitorp launchers on all Voth ships
* Added the following new emotes:
-- Pull Down Pants Slide On Ice
-- OMG I'M ON FIRE
-- Safety Dance
-- MC Hammer Slide
-- SERIOUSLY I'M ON FIRE HELP
-- Macarena
-- Pimp Smack
-- Gibb Slap
-- OH GOD IT BURNS SO BAD
*Added new farting sound-effects to all existing Horta assets
--sweet delicious bean-dip and a microphone LOL
*Totally borked up the mail system
--Everything is ruined forever, or at least until the next patch
UI:
* Added "Crash To Desktop" button
-- Pressing this button will crash the game to desktop
-- Seriously, why do you keep pressing it?
* Changed "Submit Bug Report" button to read "No One Actually Listens"
* Made Duty Officer text even harder to read
Known Issues:
* Exchange will severely injure you if you attempt to use it
* Earth is upside down and rotates backwards
* Admiral Quinn is full of delicious candy and attracts ants
-- Not the little ones either, those sort-of-big creepy ones
* May have accidentally deleted the entire C-store
General:
* Fixed every single bug in the game since Season 3. Really it wasn't that hard once we broke out the gin.
---Except for FAW. We admit it, we just don't know how it works.
* Deleted all traces of PVP from the game. Seriously. F*ck PvP.
* Finished all the Klingon Content that we promised you years ago. Turns out it was all on a thumb-drive that we forgot about.
Content:
* New Mission: Plot Thread Resolution
--Mission closes out all open plot threads, resolves the story and brings things to a close.
* New Mission: Why Is It Still 2409 (requires Wells class)
--Embark on a mission to find out why the game year remains stuck on 2409, as it has been since launch.
* New Mission: Court Marshal
--Get arrested, hauled in front of the JAG and answer for that one time you were duped into committing war-crimes against the Romulans.
Systems:
* Rebuilt all Borg Cubes to run on an Aux2Batt build
--hahhahahaha BUAhahahahahahahaah! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
* Increased the CRIT rate and CRIT severity of all Borg weapons by 1500%
* Installed One-Hit Invisitorp launchers on all Voth ships
* Added the following new emotes:
-- Pull Down Pants Slide On Ice
-- OMG I'M ON FIRE
-- Safety Dance
-- MC Hammer Slide
-- SERIOUSLY I'M ON FIRE HELP
-- Macarena
-- Pimp Smack
-- Gibb Slap
-- OH GOD IT BURNS SO BAD
*Added new farting sound-effects to all existing Horta assets
--sweet delicious bean-dip and a microphone LOL
*Totally borked up the mail system
--Everything is ruined forever, or at least until the next patch
UI:
* Added "Crash To Desktop" button
-- Pressing this button will crash the game to desktop
-- Seriously, why do you keep pressing it?
* Changed "Submit Bug Report" button to read "No One Actually Listens"
* Made Duty Officer text even harder to read
Known Issues:
* Exchange will severely injure you if you attempt to use it
* Earth is upside down and rotates backwards
* Admiral Quinn is full of delicious candy and attracts ants
-- Not the little ones either, those sort-of-big creepy ones
* May have accidentally deleted the entire C-store
Post edited by Unknown User on
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Comments
.......
Lol
Fleet Admiral Rylana - Fed Tac - U.S.S Wild Card - Tactical Miracle Worker Cruiser
Lifetime Subscriber since 2012 == 17,200 Accolades = RIP PvP and Vice Squad
Chief of Starfleet Intelligence Service == Praise Cheesus
- Server Stability Updates.
That's secret code for "we broke something but we won't admit what muahahaha"
why do not you update in another timezone, when I do not have time to play?
10k DPS Vesta threads: 1; 2
Like to add one more update: Installed Synthehol dropper in "server" the hampsters cage,,, was getting a little to sloshed on the eggnog the intern put in his bottle.
Fleet Admiral In charge of Bacon
Fighting 5th Attack Squadron
The Devils Henchman
I was given a bottle of imported Vodka by a business client, this posting is the result. After sobering up (mostly) I have agree it's rather funny.
The "Seriously. F*uck PvP" is just mean.
New patch updates can even make Cabbies stop and blush at the level of profanity and hostility coming from a gamers apartment. hehe
I have lost a few laptops in the past, the one that flew out of the window was an accident though! The schools Dean still jumped all over me!
"Where monsters rampage, I'm there to take them down! Where treasure glitters, I'm there to claim it! Where an enemy rises to face me, victory will be mine!" -Lina Inverse
Woops. LOL.
PWE takes over flashback =#.#= "...we have deleted your current identity, to continue playing, you MUST resign up with US! Resistance is futile...if you want to keep playing !"