Federation Mission - Uprising: Act I - Off The Grid
Author: maninblack017
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: HRZAQ7943
Report Start
Summary: This is an outstanding mission, especially for your first Foundry mission. Your map designs are great. The battles are tough but still quite a lot of fun, even though I would not recommend running it on Elite level. The battles are enough of a challenge at normal level but would be virtually impossible on Elite. The story dialogue is outstanding and riveting from beginning to end. You did use the response button "Continue" a couple of times more than I would usually recommend but it was not overly used. Just be cautious about allowing that to happen. It can be distracting. One other suggestion regarding the dialogue would be adding a "Skip Dialogue" feature that provides a summary of what the player needs to continue. From my perspective I did not need that feature but some players like that in dialogue heavy missions. I would highly recommend this mission to all players who like the combination of an outstanding story combined with great maps and tough but fun battles.
Below are a few things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good detailed description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue is very well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: The initial task should have the start location for the first custom map. This helps the player find where to start your mission. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS: Mariana System: This is a great map design with excellent story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider using invisible objects for USS Conestoga and USS Irwin to trigger the dialogue for each. The default "Talk to" button of the "interact" feature is mildly distracting when you find the ship does not respond to hails.
-Consider changing "Awayteam" to read "Away team" which is the accepted spelling within STO and other Star Trek examples.
USS Irwin: This is a great map design with excellent story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The "Rescue Commander Gregory" dialogue; consider changing "[OOC]reveals no life signs.[/OOC]Captain" to read "[OOC]reveals no life signs.[/OOC] Captain".
USS Irwin Bridge: This is a great map design with excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Mariana Surface: This is an excellent map design with several tough but fun battles and outstanding story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Mariana System: This is a great map design with tough but fun battles and outstanding story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did an amazing job developing this mission and I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
Thank you for the thorough review. I have corrected the instances you have pointed out. The compliments you gave are truly appreciated and I'm glad you enjoyed it. I hope that you will get a chance to play the sequel Uprising: Act II - The Tempest soon so you can see how the story unfolds! Thank you again!
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC] "The time has come to see the world as it is." - Captain James T. Kirk Twitter - @SDVargo
Thank you for the thorough review. I have corrected the instances you have pointed out. The compliments you gave are truly appreciated and I'm glad you enjoyed it. I hope that you will get a chance to play the sequel Uprising: Act II - The Tempest soon so you can see how the story unfolds! Thank you again!
maninblack,
As always I am happy to help. I definitely enjoyed your mission and I am looking forward to playing Uprising Act II, which is currently 7th in the queue behind donperk's mission. I plan to get into the queue this morning so I will get through to the next mission just as soon as I can.
Hello, Evil70th, I have my part three that I just finished that I would liked to be reviewed, I will list the information below for you. You have the other 2 parts on your list, so why don't you review part 3 last part.
Name: The Fvain Group part 3.
ID: ST-HIOTD6JKC
Author name: Logitech007
Language: English
Side: Federation
Level: 31+
Starting location: Wall console just outside of the transporter room on ESD
Story: In this conclusion of the story, Starfleet and the Klingon Empire has made strides to end this threat to both of them and to the entire quadrant. The true person(s) behind all of this is reveled. Are the players just pawns in the great game? Will the Federation and the Klingon Empire be able to cut the head off of this threat or will they fail? We are now finally able to know how and why each member joined the Fvain group.
Thank you for reviewing parts 1 2 and three. Thanks. I look forward to your reviews.
Thanks
Logitech007
Federation Mission - The Fvain Group part 3
Author: Logitech007
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HIOTD6JKC
Report Start
Summary: As with the previous two reviews your overall concept of the mission series is a good one however the basic story structure needs a little more work. Your map designs are very well done throughout and the enemy mobs are very tough but for the most part fun. From a combat perspective players will really enjoy the tougher space combat; however I would not recommend this mission on Elite level. The battles are tough enough on Normal level. From the first mission through this mission you obviously took the recommendations I made on the previous missions. The mission and series has definitely come a long way from where you started. Overall the mission is good and I would recommend it to all players who like challenging combat in a mission.
It seems the use of the response button "Continue" is creeping back into missions. As I have mentioned before the response button "Continue" is the default response when a button is left blank for dialogue. I noted "Continue" was used for dialogue throughout most maps for this mission. There are some places in the dialogue where "Continue" will work but many times it just does not fit, particularly when the "Player" is receiving reports from a BOFF. It can sometimes be difficult finding the appropriate response, but to me it helps make the player feel like they are part of the story rather than just reading dialog.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a detailed description. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Starfleet and the Klingon Empire has made strides" to read "Starfleet and the Klingon Empire have made strides".
-Consider changing "The true person(s) behind all of this is reveled" to read "The true person(s) behind all of this is revealed".
Grant Mission Dialogue: This dialogue is exactly the same as the description. Your goal with the grant mission dialogue should be to draw the player in and make them want to click the 'Accept' button.
Mission Task: Consider adding the start location to the initial mission task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS: U.S.S. Hood's ready room: This is a simple map design. The dialogue is well written but would be better served as the Grant Mission dialogue discussed above. Consider deleting this map and moving the story dialogue to be used as the grant dialogue and then the player can move to the next map directly.
Orias system: This is a nice map design but the story dialogue needs a little work on the how you develop the story. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue". From this point forward I will note the maps it is used on and explain it in the summary.
-The "Weather Starstreaks North South" does not look good. Consider reorienting this map to a westerly orientation and using "Weather Starstreaks West East 01" effect. It looks more like warp space than the other.
-The Mr White dialogue; consider changing "but enough of this let's continue with the briefing, shell we" to read "but enough of this let's continue with the briefing, shall we".
-The Romulan Lieutenant dialogue "You can transporter over to the facility" to read "You can transport over to the facility".
Romulan installation 31: This is a nice map design but the story dialogue needs work on spelling and grammar. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-The Empress Sela dialogue; use of dialogue with "i" vice "I".
-The Colonel Hakeev dialogue; "Empresses, Some of my fleet is about to cross" to read "Empress, some of my fleet is about to cross"
-Consider changing "and are bring it to a Tal'Shiar base" to read "and are bringing it to a Tal Shiar base".
-The use of "Tal'Shiar" vice "Tal Shiar"
-The use of dialogue with "i" vice "I".
-Consider changing "As you wish, Empreses" to read "As you wish Empress"
-Consider changing "check on the guestes" to read "check on the guests".
-I like how you have the player approach and the doors open, however once the player reaches the next door you should have the previous door close.
-The General Shi'Vang dialogue; consider changing "What do you want you Romulan PaqtQ" to read "What do you want Romulan petaQ".
-Consider changing "No Paqt" to read "No petaQ".
-The Admiral Kris Mento dialogue; "I want revenge on the federation and Starfleet for given the Command of the U.S.S. Enterprise-F" to read "I want to take revenge on the Federation and Starfleet for giving Command of the U.S.S. Enterprise".
The dialogue label should read "Empress Sela" vice "Express Sela".
-Consider changing "Centurion, the facilities is picking up some strange readings" to read "Centurion; we are picking up some strange readings".
-Consider changing the response button "As you wish Empresses" to read "As you wish Empress".
Rura Pentha System: This is a good map design with challenging battles. The story dialogue needs work on spelling and grammar. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the map name "Rura Pentha System" to read "Rura Penthe System"
-Consider changing "[Rank], A Klingon Negh'Var cruiser" to read "[Rank] a Klingon Negh'Var cruiser".
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-The use of "Tal'shiar" vice "Tal Shiar".
-The Klingon Officer dialogue; consider changing "Stand bye" to read "Stand by".
-Consider changing "to be small so birds of prey" to read "to be small birds of prey".
-Consider changing "We are been hailed by the penal colony" to read "We are being hailed by the penal colony".
-Consider changing the response button "On Screen" to read "On screen".
-The Klingon Officer dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], The Chancellor has confirmed" to read "[Rank], the Chancellor has confirmed".
Rura Penthe: This is a good map design with simple battles. The story dialogue needs work on spelling and grammar. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Warden dialogue; consider changing "permission to come here from the chancellor" to read "permission from the Chancellor".
-Consider changing "I will fill charges with your Federation" to read "I will file charges with your Federation".
-Consider changing the console you have for the Rura Penthe information and Rura Penthe History to the Warden since the player is asking him those questions.
-The Rura Penthe History dialogue; consider changing "Starfleet captain Jonathan Archer" to read "Starfleet Captain Jonathan Archer".
-Consider changing "was one of Obisek man who was captured" to read "was one of Obisek's men who was captured".
-The General Shi'Vang dialogue; consider changing "so I don not have any information" to read "so I do not have any information".
-The Warden dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], did you get what you came from" to read "[Rank], did you get what you came for".
Rura Penthe System: This is a good map design with two good battles and well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "[Rank], Welcome back" to read "[Rank] welcome back".
Lirss System: This is a good map design with some tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Starbase 375 System: This is a good map design. The story dialogue needs work on spelling and grammar. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "deference" to read "defense".
-The Admiral Mirren Sola dialogue that starts with "You will destroy" is a run on sentence. Consider rewriting this portion of the dialogue.
-The dialogue that starts with "One for each target" is a run on sentence. Consider rewriting this portion of the dialogue.
-Consider changing "target because of their amount of crew" to read "target because of the amount of crew".
Aihai System: This is a nice map design with several very tough battles. The story dialogue is well written. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The enemy fleet is way too powerful and the player ends up fighting the remaining ships alone. Consider adding more support vessels.
NGC 1218 system: This is a nice map design with several very tough battles. The story dialogue is well written. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The enemy fleet is way too powerful and the player ends up fighting the remaining ships alone. Consider adding more support vessels.
Fvain Base Deck B: This is a nice map design with several tough but fun battles. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Turbolift" to read "turbolift".
-Consider changing the map transfer button "Lets go and everyone becareful" to read "Let's go and everyone be careful".
Fvain Command Deck: This is a nice map design with several tough but fun battles. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the response button "Let's becareful" to read "Let's be careful".
-The Kris Mento dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], Hello, [Rank]" to read "[Rank], hello, [Rank]"
NGC 1218 system: This is a nice map design with several tough battles. The story dialogue is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Starbase 375 lower Deck: This is a nice map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Admiral Mirren Sola dialogue triggers and the mission feedback prompt comes up before you can finish reading. Consider setting the dialogue to be NPC contact so that it is completed before the mission feedback prompt appears for the end of the mission.
-The Admiral Mirren Sola dialogue that starts with "Both I and Starfleet Command" is a run on sentence. Consider rewriting this portion of the dialogue.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. Your concept for this mission and the series is good. With a little more work on the story dialogue and structure you can make it a great mission and series. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
Hello, Evil70th, thank you for playing part 3 and for playing my series, I am taking a look at it now and making the changes. Thanks again for taking your time and sorry if it was a long mission again. But I feel I'm getting somewhat better. lol. Thanks again. I just have a new one that came out that I will post later.
Thanks again for everything and good luck with your reviews. Thanks again.
Logitech007
Hello, Evil70th, thank you for playing part 3 and for playing my series, I am taking a look at it now and making the changes. Thanks again for taking your time and sorry if it was a long mission again. But I feel I'm getting somewhat better. lol. Thanks again. I just have a new one that came out that I will post later.
Thanks again for everything and good luck with your reviews. Thanks again.
Logitech007
Hi Logitech007,
I am glad I could help and I agree that your authoring is definitely getting better. Keep up the good work. Your series just needs a little tweaking here and there.
Summary: This is a good mission, especially for your first work in the Foundry. The battles are tough but fun. The story dialogue is intriguing and well written. I would definitely recommend this mission to all players who like a good story mission with several tough battles. I would not recommend it on Elite as it was tough enough on Normal.
As I have mentioned many times before the response button "Continue" is the default response when a button is left blank for dialogue. I noted "Continue" was used for several response button to dialogue throughout most maps for this mission. There are places in dialogue where "Continue" works but most of the time it just does not work. This is particularly true when the "Player" is receiving reports from a BOFF. It can sometimes be difficult finding the appropriate response, but I believe it helps make the player feel like they are part of the story rather than just reading dialog.
One last thing I mentioned triggered dialogue on a few of the maps below. What I am referring to is the dialogue that when a player reaches a point on the map there is dialogue that normally appears on the players screen. You appeared to be using it to indicate certain things about the area the player had arrived at. It seemed to be coming from one of the BOFFs. As I mention below this type of dialogue will appear only on the screen and can be easily missed by the player. That is why I suggested replacing it with popup dialogue that the player can easily read.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This description is very well written and detailed. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: Consider adding the start location for the initial contact or custom map so the player can locate where to start easier. I noted no spelling errors with this initial task.
Mission Entry Prompt: Referring back to the mission task locating the entry point for your mission was very difficult. I had to run around the main deck of DS9 and came across the entry point completely by accident. Consider changing the mission task to define the exact location on DS9 of this entry point. Or consider changing the start location to another place. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS: Deep Space Nine: This is a good but simple map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue". From this point forward I will note the maps it is used on and explain it in the summary.
-The entry for this map should be moved to entry point to DS9 on the sector map.
-The initial Hail Deep Space Nine button says "Interact" which is the default setting of the button when not filled in by the author. Consider changing it to "Open hailing frequencies" or something along those lines.
-Consider changing "However 12 hours ago received a distress call from Captain Alexei Panshin" to read "Twelve hours ago we received a distress call from Captain Alexei Panshin".
-Consider changing "From what we could discern from, the message that the U.S.S. Wayfarer had been attacked or suffered from some sort of cataclysmic failure" to read "From what we wer able to discern from the message, the ship had either suffered an attack or had a cataclysmic systems failure".
-Consider changing the following sentence into two separate sentences at the comma; "From what we could tell they seem to be in working order, we have deduced there would be no way they would be able to send a signal out of the interference from the black hole".
ZEA-213: This is a good map design with a couple of fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-The use of triggered dialogue that only displays on the screen, for example "Sir we?re picking up a derelict Federation ship", is not recommended. It can easily be missed by a player depending on where they display onscreen dialogue. In my case it is across the top of the screen.
-Consider changing "[Rank], A ship is decloaking" to read "[Rank], a ship is decloaking".
-Consider changing "However, it appears they are hailing us" to read "They are hailing us".
Nearby System: This is a good map design with tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Perhaps if we go around the gas giant we mightbe able to pick it up again" to read "Perhaps if we go around the gas giant we might pick it up again".
-Consider changing the response button "Can anyone tell me who we're up against" to read "Any idea who we are up against".
-Consider changing
-Consider changing "There weapons are firing damage like I've never seen before, its similar to the Cardassian disruptor however its shifting beyond phaser and disruptor damage" to read "There weapons are producing damage like I've never seen before. It's similar to the Cardassian disruptor however it's shifting beyond phaser and disruptor range".
-Consider changing "against a superior opponet" to read "against a superior opponent".
-Consider changing the response button "Lets find the Wayfarer" to read "Let's find the Wayfarer".
-Consider changing "I ahve no intention of leaving my ship" to read "I have no intention of leaving my ship".
Mysterious M Class Planet: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Planet Surface: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-Consider using "Captain" vice "Sir".
-Consider changing the map transfer button "Continue" to read "Let's go".
Underground Tunnels: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-Consider adding popup dialogue that comes up following each scan to provide information on each item scanned.
-Consider changing "Perhpas the interference is masking the other DNA" to read "Perhaps the interference is masking the other DNA".
-Consider changing the response button "Lets keep going" to read "Let's keep going".
-The use of triggered dialogue that only displays on the screen, for example "This seems to be some sort of engine or generator room" is not recommended.
-Consider changing "I'm picking up Human, Klingon, Cardassian, Gorn" to read "I'm picking up Human, Klingon, Cardassian, and Gorn".
-The map transfer dialogue button "Go to Next Map" is the default entry for the button. Consider changing it to read "Let's go".
Unknown Facility: This is a good map design with tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-The respawn points you added will not work as I believe you intended them to. The very fist respawn point is closest to the entry and exit point for the map. That respawn point is most likely the one you will need more than the others you created. The other points generated deeper into the map actually override the first one you created. Consider removing the other respawn points deeper in the map.
-The use of triggered dialogue that only displays on the screen, for example "Sir this is Klingon Technology, how long have they been doing this" is not recommended.
-Consider changing "This is federation crates and technology" to read "These crates and consoles are apparently Federation".
-Consider adding popup dialogue that comes up following each console the player investigates to provide information on each item scanned.
-Consider changing "He's unconcious" to read "He's unconscious".
-The sentence starting with "Without the proper sequence it would kill him" does not read correctly and needs to be rewritten.
-The sentence starting with "[Rank], as much as I would like" does not read correctly and needs to be rewritten.
-The "Investigate holographic display" task interaction button says "Interact" which is the default for interaction devices if the author does not make a change. Consider changing it to read "Activate console".
Geppetto's M Class Planet: This is a good map design with several tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-The sentence starting with "[Rank], it looks like the technology" is a run on sentence and needs to be rewritten.
Geppetto's Space Lab: This is a good map design with several tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-Consider changing "However, i hate to be the one to break this to you" to read "However, I hate to be the one to break this to you"
-Consider moving the Imposter's ship closer to the "Defeat Geppetto Imposter" task location.
Report to Deep Space Nine: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue that wraps up the mission. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission and I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 10/27/2013 on forum posting for: Epoch: Existence
Before starting I wanted to say this posting is not intended to call out any particular mission for the items discussed below. It is intended to help authors improve their missions as we move forward. So here we go.
In the more than 250 reviews I have conducted there have been great ones and not so great ones. This includes both combat and story oriented missions. The elements of these missions are essential to holding the attention of the player for the length of the mission. Recently I provided a template of a script I use, which is intended to help authors write a more cohesive story. This was in response to missions that I reviewed where the story did not seem to make sense. In one mission the NPC started talking to the player about an element of the story as if the player knew of it already, even though this was the first time it had been mentioned in the entire mission. Most likely this was caused by the author developing the story in the Foundry as they went along. You do not have to use the script template I provided in an earlier post but you should write the story elements down outside of the Foundry so you do not lose track of them. It is okay to try out elements of a mission within the Foundry to make sure you can recreate the effects and story elements you are trying to achieve. After you have proven these elements work you should then write out the story in your favorite word processor. This gives you two main advantages. The first is a cohesive story that you can verify each point is made in a proper order. The second is spelling and grammatical issues can be caught and corrected before you go to publish the mission. A cohesive story is critical to keeping your players riveted to their seats while playing your mission. This is particularly important to longer missions. Your spelling and grammar are another element that can make or break a story. The player needs to be able to read the dialogue without having to correct spelling in their head as they go. It takes away from the story.
I also wanted to discuss character development in missions. In the post where I provided a script template there is a Cast listing which is optional. This element of the story development is optional but I highly recommend using the listing so you can easily keep track of the characters and ensure you create them in the foundry. I have found that use of the generic characters provided in the Foundry does not always work, especially if you want costume consistency throughout your story. As an author you cannot control what the player and BOFFs are wearing but you can at least control the rest of the story, which is essential to ensuring consistency throughout the story. When developing the NPCs the player will interact with you need to develop them so they match the story you are trying to create. This will help you in writing the dialogue of the story to match the NPC that is displayed. Again you can use the Foundry to test the limits of NPC creation, which includes ships, you are trying to achieve but as mentioned above you should not use it as your only means of developing a mission. I have played mission where the NPC I am talking to or fighting is supposed to be a particular character in the story but there appearance or label is something different. For example I am fighting a rebel from a specific planet but the NPCs are Klingon or Romulan even though they have nothing to do with the story. It is even worse if the default label is still there. There is only really one clear advantage to this process and that is consistency of the NPCs throughout the mission story. This is just as important on combat oriented missions as well. If there is a lack of consistency with the NPCs then I will get annoyed fairly quickly. That is not as easy as it might sound.
The goal of my reviews along with other articles has been and ever shall be to improve the quality of the Foundry authored missions, which serve to enrich the game for all players. I want to thank everyone who authors missions in the Foundry for taking the time to expand the STO universe. There is no way the good folks at Cryptic could generate enough missions to keep the community satisfied completely.
Mission Title: Perfection, Part 1.
Author: @Ashkrik23
Faction: Federation.
Level 41+
Requirements. This is a Borg mission so bring a remodulator.
Mission length varies depending on difficulty and amount of players.
Just completed this so if you run into any bugs please let me know. Also, the difficulty is intended to be a decent challenge even on solo play. Especially on elite. Though the intended difficulty is on elite with 5 players. You will want to use cover on the ground maps.
Summary: This is a good grind mission with several very tough battles on almost all your maps. There is just enough story dialogue to move the player forward from one battle to the next. You note the mission length varies "depending on difficulty and amount of players". I played by myself on Normal and it took almost 4 hours to play. This was due to the heavy duty nature and number of the enemy mobs. I would recommend this mission to all players who like a heavy grind mission with well written story dialogue; however I would not recommend it on Elite as it was difficult enough on Normal.
As I mentioned in my [URL=" http://sto-forum.perfectworld.com/showthread.php?p=4406001&#post4406001"]"Best Practices"[/URL] post a few months ago "just because you can create 10 maps does not mean you should". I bring this up because at least two of the maps in the mission seemed to be unnecessary to the mission, at least with the mission as it is currently written. The "Kessik Orbit" map seemed to be completely unnecessary. The player enters the map, flies across the map, and beams to the ship. This seemed to be an unnecessary use of a map. The other is the "Warp" map. On this map the player warps away from Earth through the gate and the mission immediately ends. As mentioned below I understood what you were going for but you need to add wrap up dialogue for the mission. There should be something there to help wrap up the mission rather than dropping it like that. Perhaps you could add a hint of what is to come in part 2 of the mission, some foreshadowing of the coming events, or even a discussion with the BOFFs of what their next action should be. Provide something to wrap up the story and leave a cliff hanger for the next installment of the story. You want to drive the player to want to play part 2 when you release it.
One last thing, as I have mentioned many times before and on several maps below the response button "Continue" is the default response when a button is left blank for dialogue. There are places in dialogue where "Continue" works but most of the time it just does not work. Even in those areas I recommend using "..." vice "Continue". Having the player respond with something other than "Continue" is most important when the "Player" is receiving reports from a BOFF. I know it can be difficult to find the appropriate response but I believe it helps make the player feel like they are part of the story and not just reading dialog.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: The description is interesting but does not serve to draw the player in and make them want to click the 'Hail' button. Consider adding more of the story to the description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue is similar to the description. You need something more than the initial sentence to make a player click the 'Accept' button. The main point to consider is there something more to this mission other than just another grind mission? I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: This is a good initial mission task. There is a clear start location for the first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS: Kessik Orbit: This is a very nice map design with short, well written story dialogue. I am not sure if this map is needed in the mission as there is only the entry dialogue and the map transfer at the end. I understand what you are trying to do by having the player cross this map but it seemed unnecessary. Consider removing this map and taking the player directly to the U.S.S. Lion's Pride Bridge map. I noted one item to consider changing;
-Consider changing the initial dialogue response button "Continue" to read "Engage" or something that acknowledges the BOFFs report.
U.S.S. Lion's Pride Bridge: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Briefing dialogue; consider changing "Greetings [Rank] [FirstName]" to read "Greetings [Rank] [LastName]".
-Consider changing "I'm sure you're just wondering why" to read "I'm sure you're wondering why".
-Consider changing "then you will know how dangerous" to read "then you know how dangerous".
Unknown System: This is a good map design with very tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the Confrontation dialogue response button "Yes M'am" to read "Yes ma'am".
-If there are going to be support vessels for the fighting then you need to balance them out. They were all destroyed in the first few minutes of fighting. Consider adding more support vessels.
Borg Tactical Cube Section #214: This is a good map design with several very tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue". From this point forward I will note the maps where I feel it is over used and discuss it in the summary.
-Since the player and the Admiral recently met consider having her refer to the player by "[Rank]" only.
-Consider changing "What's going in there" to read "What's going on there".
-In the upper west corner of the room away from all the dead bodies are a Caitian and Human. The Human is in the cage and the Caitian is outside gloating. Consider adding story triggered story dialogue to explain what is going on or remove them both from the map.
Borg Tactical Cube Section #777: This is a good map design with several very tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing;
-The use of the response button "Continue".
Unknown System, Borg Ambush: This is a good map design with several very tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing;
-The use of the response button "Continue".
Outpost 77 under fire: This is a good map design with several very tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing;
-The use of the response button "Continue".
Earth Under Fire: This is a great map design with several very tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Earth Space Dock Under Attack: This is a good map design with several very tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing;
-Consider changing "[Rank] [FirstName]" to read "[FirstName]".
-Consider changing "It's too late for me [Rank] [FirstName]" to read "It's too late for me [FirstName]".
-There appears to be a carriage return in the sentence starting with "There's a huge armada" between "here in" and "just a few". Consider removing it.
Escaping the Armada: This is a great map design with several very tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Warp: I understand what you are going for with this map but you need to add some sort of wrap up dialogue for the mission to the map. Literally as soon as the ship arrives the feedback pops up and the mission is over. Without any wrap up dialogue the mission just stops and that seems odd. Additionally the warp streaks; consider changing the entire map including the spawn point to face west on the map. Then use the "Weather StarStreaks West East 01". It is a better effect.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job developing this mission and I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
Thank you for the review. I will take a look at the issues. Don't know why my wrap-up dialogue isn't working, it's there.
It may be that the dialogue is a map pop-up instead of a story-line pop-up. Depending on what's happening, sometimes map popups get minimized immediately on space maps. If the player doesn't notice the reminder (usually in the lower-left corner of the screen) then they won't see it. Moving the dialog to the story-line should solve that.
Note that there's no easy way to move a dialog in this way. You'll need to create a new one on the story-line tab and do a lot of cut'n'paste.
It may be that the dialogue is a map pop-up instead of a story-line pop-up. Depending on what's happening, sometimes map popups get minimized immediately on space maps. If the player doesn't notice the reminder (usually in the lower-left corner of the screen) then they won't see it. Moving the dialog to the story-line should solve that.
Note that there's no easy way to move a dialog in this way. You'll need to create a new one on the story-line tab and do a lot of cut'n'paste.
Luckily it's not a lot of dialogue. Thanks for the help.
My first foundry mission. I published it awhile ago, but then I had to take off from STO for a long time. I'm looking to re-release it and get it popular.
Summary: This is a good mission with a nice balance of well written story dialogue and battles. I would recommend this mission to other players as a fun mission that is not too long and enjoyable to play.
I like the premise of the mission. With that said, there are some plot issues I mention below that need to be addressed. Specifically the issues are with contradictory dialogue. In one sequence of dialogue the probes equipped to be sent cannot communicate to return data. Aside from the obvious communication issues the bigger concern would be the vessels ability to return from such a great distance. This communication issues also have contradicting dialogue references. In one portion the fact that the USS Luna has not been heard from is mentioned as an issue. However in later dialogue it is indicated that all communications will be severed once the player crosses the threshold. The other issue is how does the ship signal the gate to bring it back if communications are an issue? I mention a solution below regarding the gate creating a trigger event in the ships computer for it the return as it crosses the threshold. It would be a simple line of dialogue to add to the explanation of the technology.
The use of the Borg as the antagonist in this story is okay but I think you could have used this opportunity to create another species. This species could be powerful like the Borg but lacking in the ability to travel great distances. That would be the catalyst in the story that makes the Quantum Phasewave Technology the USS Luna was equipped with would be valuable to them. You could make them a malevolent race of creatures bent on conquering but they have been limited in their capability to travel long distances. Then the explosion detected by the Federation 30 years prior could be linked somehow to the story. I am sure you created that story point with a purpose in the impending series of missions you intend to create. It would give you the ability to write your own story and as you indicated in your review request to "get it popular".
One last thing, as I have mentioned many times before and on some of the maps below the response button "Continue" is the default response when a button is left blank for dialogue. There are places in dialogue where "Continue" works but most of the time it just does not work. Even in those areas I recommend using "..." vice "Continue". Having the player respond with something other than "Continue" is particularly important when the "Player" is receiving reports from a BOFF. Taking the extra time to write a better response helps make the player feel like they are part of the story and not just reading dialogue.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: The description is well written but needs a little more of the story to draw the player in and make them want to click the 'Hail' button. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue is lacking story. As I indicated with the description above you need to create dialogue that draws the player into the story. The goal of the grant mission dialogue is to get the player to click the 'Accept' button. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: The initial task should contain the start location of the first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this initial task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS: Imaga VI: This is a very good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The over use of the response button "Continue" will be noted for each map where it is found to be over used and discussed on the summary above.
-The Commander Emma Sanders dialogue; consider removing the "How does Quantum Phasewave Technology work" from the initial dialogue response choices. This technology has not been mentioned in any dialogue at this point in the story, so it makes no sense for the player to ask this question. Move it to a point in the dialogue where it makes sense.
-The story point regarding "Starfleet Intelligence" detecting the explosion. Would it make more sense to have it be "Starfleet Science" instead? Especially since all other references in the dialogue mention scientist.
-Plot issue; in Commander Emma Sanders explanation of the Quantum Phasewave Technology she states that using the Transwarp Gate the ship can travel to any known location in the universe. The next map is labeled "Unknown Space". This seems inconsistent with the dialogue.
-Plot issue; the probes that were sent first "could not transmit their data over such a long distance" then why not bring them back to download their data. The first issue they should have been interested in testing was the ability to bring a ship back to the point of origin.
-Plot issue; loss of communication with the USS Luna is mentioned as an issue requiring investigation. In later dialogue you mention "We will not be able to communicate with you" and "you will not be able to transmit for help once you cross the threshold". So the fact that you lost contact with the USS Luna should not have been a concern. Consider changing the concern to be that USS Luna did not return as scheduled.
-Plot issue; regarding the Quantum Phasewave Technology, if a Transwarp Gate is needed to trigger the Quantum Phasewave Drive to send the ship to a location beyond normal warp distances then how do they trigger the return? This is related to the plot issue mentioned above regarding the probes "could not transmit their data over such a long distance". Consider adding dialogue in the explanation of the Quantum Phasewave Technology that discusses a computer system trigger created by the gate systems that allows the ship to return. You need to create something that does not rely on direct communication with the gate that triggered the drive to bring it back.
-There are a few places were the dialogue from BOFFs and NPCs that uses "sir". Consider changing those to "Captain" which would be commonly used when referring to the player. I would also use this rule throughout the mission vice [Rank].
Unknown Space: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-Plot issue; regarding life signs. When the player first arrives in the vicinity of the USS Luna there are no life signs detectable. In the Map Transfer dialogue "There is a noticeable concentration of life signs on Deck 5". Consider changing the initial readings to indicate "sensors are picking up Borg life signs spread across the ship". During the options discussion add dialogue that indicates "There is a noticeable concentration of life signs on Deck 5". Otherwise why bother beaming over in hopes of finding crew that could be saved. Just blow the ship up and leave.
USS Luna Deck 5: This is a good map design with balanced battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
USS Luna Deck 1: This is a good map design with balanced battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-In one dialogue Captain Ross refers to the player by [NickName] and in a later one he refers to the player by [Rank]. Consider changing it to be consistent. If the NPC has a familiar tone as Captain to Captain but it needs to be consistent.
Unknown Space #2: This is a good map design with balanced battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the dialogue "The USS Luna reports they will be prepared to depart in a few minutes" to read "The USS Luna reports they will be ready to beam up in a few minutes".
-Consider changing the Borg transmission to regular dialogue vice [MissionInfo] dialogue.
-The Captain Ross dialogue; consider changing "Seems the borg assimilated more than we first thought" to read "Seems the Borg assimilated more than we first thought".
-Consider changing "Sorry to interrupt sir" to read "Sorry to interrupt Captain".
-Plot issue; regarding the scanning of the debris. It feels like the sequence is out of order between the report of the scanning of the debris and the report regarding the retrieval of the Luna crew. Consider switching the sequence of the dialogue.
Imaga VI#2: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. It is a good wrap up to the mission. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job with the creation of this mission and with a little more work it will become a great mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work and this series in the future.
Brian
On the off chance anyone is still interested in such things (not only the creator of this thread ), I have just published a new foundry mission for which I would greatly appreciate testing / review:
Summary: This is a great mission with good map designs, several tough battles and excellent story dialogue. You have created a great mission from start to finish. I was riveted to my seat and keyboard to see where the story would go next. I would highly recommend this mission to all players who like a great story combined with good maps and tough but fun battles. The twists and turns throughout will keep you engaged. I would recommend you create a forum posting for this mission here in The Foundry for Star Trek Online - Mission Database.
I mentioned the use of the response button "Continue" on several of the maps below. I have also seen this as an issue in several of the reviews I have completed recently, so I am not going to repeat the same comments again here. Suffice to say it is an issue that needs to be looked at, despite the fact that Cryptic is just as guilty of over using the response as anyone else here.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a detailed description with a well written plot layout. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a very intriguing and well written grant dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Operative [FirstName]" to read "Operative [LastName]". If the player has no last name it should default to their nickname.
Mission Task: adding the start location for the first contact or starting location for the first custom map. It will make it easier for the player to start your mission.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS: Earth Spacedock (Cryptic Map): This is a good use of the Cryptic map but a little tedious making the player run across the map to get the next clue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Operative [FirstName]" to read "Operative [LastName]". If the player has no last name it should default to their nickname.
Celes Nebula: This is a good map design with fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-Consider moving the initial enemy mob further away from the spawn point to give the player a chance to read the initial dialogue.
-Consider using [OOC] dialogue to represent the player's dialogue within the dialogue box vice the [MissionInfo] you are currently using.
-The Talk to Azura dialogue; consider changing "Wha'ts she doing out here" to read "What's she doing out here".
-The Mysti dialogue; consider changing "I mean *ahem* [Rank] [FirstName]" to read "I mean *ahem* [Rank] [LastName]".
Azura: This is a good map design with some tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-With the tough enemy mobs you have placed on this map you need to add respawn points deeper into the map.
-Consider adding tasks to shut off the plasma leaks in the passageways. You could place a panel in the passageway near the leaks that the player can use to shut them down.
-The T'Val dialogue; consider changing "Greeting Operative [FirstName]" to read "Greetings Operative [LastName]". If the player has no last name it should default to their nickname.
I.S.S. Emissary Bridge: This is a good map design and the story dialogue is very well written. I noted one item that is more of an observation rather than an issue that needs to be resolved:
-This more of plot point than a real issue. I am just a little curious as to why the mirror universe folks would name a ship Emissary. It just seems unlikely.
Past Azura: This is a good map design with several tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the enemy mob in the passageway from a patrolling to a stationary unit.
-You have several different species fighting the player across the map. Is this intentional? If they are supposed to be the Azura crew you need to consider changing the character appearance.
Present Azura: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Celes Nebula Encounter: This is a good map design with a good battle and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The enemy ship is labeled "Typhoon Class Battleship" consider changing the label to read "I.S.S. Emissary".
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "The Emissary is dead in the water [Rank]" to read "The Emissary is dead in space [Rank]".
I.S.S. Emissary Crew Deck: This map design is well done with several tough battles spread across it. The story dialogue is very simple and I noted no problems with it. The map however seems completely unnecessary to the story. Consider removing it. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
I.S.S. Emissary Bridge#2: This is a good map design with tough battles and well written story dialogue. This is a good wrap up to the mission. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The player's counterpart is sitting on the floor buried half way in the captain's chair. Consider moving the NPC in front of the chair.
-The Mysti dialogue; consider changing "I came as quickly as i could" to read "I came as quickly as I could".
-The use of the response button "Continue".
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
Could you please review my mission? It's my first attempt as a Foundry author. You can also find a trailer in my signature. Thanks!
Mission Name: Healing Old Wounds (Of Bajor and Cardassia: Ep. I) Author: aleniskendra Minimum Level: Any Allegiance:Federation Project ID: Not sure? Estimated Mission Length: 30-60 min (depending on choices made and weapon strength)
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
My very first Foundry Mission, Healing Old Wounds, has been completely reworked and rereleased!
(Also, a quick shout-out, please visit Starbase UGC for all your Foundry needs!)
Heya Evil70th, been a while since I had a new mission to put up for your excellent reviews, and now I have just released two new ones in the same week! Obviously Purity VI is getting all the press, but the one I'd like to submit for your queue is:
Name: Cold Winds
Faction: Federation
Level: 35+
Begins: in sector space at the Vulcan System
Could you please review my mission? It's my first attempt as a Foundry author. You can also find a trailer in my signature. Thanks!
Mission Name: Healing Old Wounds (Of Bajor and Cardassia: Ep. I) Author: aleniskendra Minimum Level: Any Allegiance:Federation Project ID: Not sure? Estimated Mission Length: 30-60 min (depending on choices made and weapon strength)
Hi aleniskendra,
Welcome to the Foundry and to the queue. Your mission is currently 12th in the queue behind djf021. I am continuing the queue today and will get to your mission just as soon as I can.
Heya Evil70th, been a while since I had a new mission to put up for your excellent reviews, and now I have just released two new ones in the same week! Obviously Purity VI is getting all the press, but the one I'd like to submit for your queue is:
Name: Cold Winds
Faction: Federation
Level: 35+
Begins: in sector space at the Vulcan System
Thanks in advance.
Hi drogyn1701,
Welcome back to the queue. Your mission is currently 13th in the queue behind aleniskendra. I am getting back into the queue this morning and will get to your mission as soon as I can.
Welcome to the Foundry and to the queue. Your mission is currently 12th in the queue behind djf021. I am continuing the queue today and will get to your mission just as soon as I can.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Thanks, Brian! I look forward to reading your excellent review. :-) The service you provide is much appreciated.
[SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
My very first Foundry Mission, Healing Old Wounds, has been completely reworked and rereleased!
(Also, a quick shout-out, please visit Starbase UGC for all your Foundry needs!)
Thanks, Brian! I look forward to reading your excellent review. :-) The service you provide is much appreciated.
You are welcome aleniskendra. I really enjoy doing my reviews and hope they serve to help authors make batter missions. The Foundry allows the authors to expand STO and makes the playing environment much richer for us all.
Thanks for all the work you do with this. I've read a number of your reviews and your comments are excellent.
I've got a first-time effort for you to look at, if you could:
Mission Name: The Sins of the Fathers Author:@donperk Minimum Level: 16+ Allegiance:Klingon Project ID: ST-HHAYT6KPV Estimated Mission Length: 2 hours (story heavy)
The player takes on a character who wise-cracks with his/her crew, but is respectful and business-like with everyone else. The dialog has an on-going sense of humor set against a serious story line. The overall concept is POV (point of view) and how people's different POV's can challenge what is believed to be the real story.
There are plenty of battles -- and they fit the story line, they aren't just thrown in. But this is story-centered and lore heavy.
I have started a project thread here and will be posting some screen caps to it later tonight.
Thank you!
Klingon Mission - The Sins of the Fathers
Author: donperk
Allegiance: Klingon
Project ID: ST-HHAYT6KPV
Report Start
Summary: This is a great mission with plenty of tough but fun battles throughout and very well written story dialogue. Despite the issues listed on the maps and in the summary below I would highly recommend this mission to all players who like a good story combined with heavy combat. It is well worth the play time.
As I mentioned on all the maps with the exception of the Qo'noS First City (Cryptic Map) map the dialogue felt more like a Federation rather than a Klingon mission. I accept the fact that Klingons have a sense of humor, are intelligent, and can respond without resorting to violence; however the dialogue did not feel Klingon enough in most places. I really do not like using the term "Klingon enough" but I feel like much of dialogue did not have that feel to it and needs to be reworked. At the very least you should give the player additional options that are sterner than the ones provided in most of the dialogue.
I mentioned the need to use Hirogen names vice less Terran references. This also applied to some of the other species as well. The use of lo'laH and raQ'el is a good example of masking the names. Despite the fact that they are obviously not Klingon they are hidden by making them appear to be Klingon. If nothing else I would recommend this be applied to all the areas indicated below.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is good grant dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: This is a good initial task with a clear location to begin the mission. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS: Qo'noS First City (Cryptic Map): This is a good use of the cryptic map elements within your mission. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
House of Dubious Virtue: This is a great map design with some glorious optional battles. The story dialogue is very well written but the player responses and some of the dialogue feels more like a Federation rather than a Klingon mission. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The Uncle Q'jel dialogue; consider changing the response button "Still, paralyzing yourself because you think you are being followed is prety crazy" to read "Still, paralyzing yourself because you think you are being followed is pretty crazy".
Qo'noS System: This is a great map design with tough but glorious battles. The story dialogue is very well written but the player responses and some of the dialogue feels more like a Federation rather than a Klingon mission. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-A plot point to consider, being in the Qo'noS system and having no other Klingon vessels around at all let alone aid in the defense against the Hirogen ships seems unlikely. Consider adding other Klingon ships as background decoration.
-Consider changing "or I turn your pretty little ship" to read "or I will turn your pretty little ship".
-Consider changing the attacking Hirogen ship names to less Terran references.
Ready Room: This is a good map with very well written story dialogue but the player responses and some of the dialogue feels more like a Federation rather than a Klingon mission. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The Admiral vaQ dialogue; consider changing the response button "qapla', indeed" to read "Qapla', indeed".
M24 (arriving): This is a great map design with some glorious optional battles. I like the optional diplomatic path as well. The story dialogue is very well written but the player responses and some of the dialogue feels more like a Federation rather than a Klingon mission. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Triskelion: This is a great map design with tough but glorious battles. The story dialogue is very well written but the player responses and some of the dialogue feels more like a Federation rather than a Klingon mission. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-A plot point to consider, the entire conversation with Rienna regarding the ships Trill doctor is unnecessary to the story. If you want to leave it in you should give the player to skip the dialogue.
-Consider changing the Hirogen names to less Terran references.
Freedom's Home: This is a good map with very well written story dialogue but the player responses and some of the dialogue feels more like a Federation rather than a Klingon mission. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
M24 (leaving): This is a great map design with tough but glorious battles. The story dialogue is very well written but the player responses and some of the dialogue feels more like a Federation rather than a Klingon mission. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing the attacking Hirogen ship names to less Terran references.
House of Dubious Virtue (Denouement): This is a great map design with some tough but glorious battles. The story dialogue is very well written but the player responses and some of the dialogue feels more like a Federation rather than a Klingon mission. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the Klingon, Orion and Hirogen names to less Terran references.
-The lo'laH dialogue; consider changing "Starfllet wasn't ready to accept" to read "Starfleet wasn't ready to accept".
Epilogue: This is a good map with very well written story dialogue but the player responses and some of the dialogue feels more like a Federation rather than a Klingon mission. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job demonstrating that Klingon missions do not have to be all about combat and nothing else. It is a great story. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
I think the thing that you and CatStar found unsettling is that the mission does not feel like a "Klingon" mission. I'll be honest -- and I know it's quibbling -- but I set out to do a KDF mission, not a Klingon mission. The character I used to write and test the story was an Orion and that influenced my approach. BUT -- you are correct that I should provide "Klingon" response options for those players playing a straight Klingon. Doing so will certainly enrich the mission. I will be updating for this.
Hopefully Admiral vaQ felt like a real Klingon.
Names in general - I'll be honest: For the longest time I couldn't decide if this was going to be a comedic mission or a serious mission with some comic relief. I decided on the latter as I approached publishing the mission and removed quite a bit of dialogue that was, quite frankly, silly. (I made the player's BOFF's out to look like idiots at times.) The fact that so many names are still plainly silly and often thematic is an indication of a lack of polish. I should have reviewed all of them when I removed the silly dialog elements. I will be updating for this.
"prety crazy" -- That was a brand new response. My mission formatter highlights "Continue" responses in red, so I did some revamping earlier this week to reduce the continues. This typo slipped in. Good catch! I will be updating for this.
Qo'noS Battles -- The player's character makes a similar observation. But yes, more ships, would make a lot of sense. Qo'noS, the center of the Klingon Empire, should look very busy. I will be updating for this.
"...I turn your pretty..." ouch! I can't believe I missed that one. I will be updating for this.
Unfortunately Qapla' is not the same as qapla'. Romanized Klingon spelling is phonetic with capital- and lower-case letters representing different phonemes. I was very strict in my use of the Klingon language in this mission. That was part of my commitment to making this a KDF mission. :cool:
Trill Doctor - agreed. This is a vestige of an ill-begotten subplot that went nowhere. I need to remove it not only from Rienna's dialog on Triskelion, but also rework some of the earlier dialog where the player's character seems nervous about his/her relationship to the doctor. I will be updating for this.
"Starfllet" -- I just saw this in the output from my new mission review tool. In fact, I found out that you'd done your review because I had went into the Foundry editor to fix this very typo when I saw your in-game comments. I've already made this fix.
Thanks again for your insights, Brian. I really appreciate what you do with this.
I think the thing that you and CatStar found unsettling is that the mission does not feel like a "Klingon" mission. I'll be honest -- and I know it's quibbling -- but I set out to do a KDF mission, not a Klingon mission. The character I used to write and test the story was an Orion and that influenced my approach. BUT -- you are correct that I should provide "Klingon" response options for those players playing a straight Klingon. Doing so will certainly enrich the mission. I will be updating for this.
Hopefully Admiral vaQ felt like a real Klingon.
Names in general - I'll be honest: For the longest time I couldn't decide if this was going to be a comedic mission or a serious mission with some comic relief. I decided on the latter as I approached publishing the mission and removed quite a bit of dialogue that was, quite frankly, silly. (I made the player's BOFF's out to look like idiots at times.) The fact that so many names are still plainly silly and often thematic is an indication of a lack of polish. I should have reviewed all of them when I removed the silly dialog elements. I will be updating for this.
"prety crazy" -- That was a brand new response. My mission formatter highlights "Continue" responses in red, so I did some revamping earlier this week to reduce the continues. This typo slipped in. Good catch! I will be updating for this.
Qo'noS Battles -- The player's character makes a similar observation. But yes, more ships, would make a lot of sense. Qo'noS, the center of the Klingon Empire, should look very busy. I will be updating for this.
"...I turn your pretty..." ouch! I can't believe I missed that one. I will be updating for this.
Unfortunately Qapla' is not the same as qapla'. Romanized Klingon spelling is phonetic with capital- and lower-case letters representing different phonemes. I was very strict in my use of the Klingon language in this mission. That was part of my commitment to making this a KDF mission. :cool:
Trill Doctor - agreed. This is a vestige of an ill-begotten subplot that went nowhere. I need to remove it not only from Rienna's dialog on Triskelion, but also rework some of the earlier dialog where the player's character seems nervous about his/her relationship to the doctor. I will be updating for this.
"Starfllet" -- I just saw this in the output from my new mission review tool. In fact, I found out that you'd done your review because I had went into the Foundry editor to fix this very typo when I saw your in-game comments. I've already made this fix.
Thanks again for your insights, Brian. I really appreciate what you do with this.
Comments
Thank you for the thorough review. I have corrected the instances you have pointed out. The compliments you gave are truly appreciated and I'm glad you enjoyed it. I hope that you will get a chance to play the sequel Uprising: Act II - The Tempest soon so you can see how the story unfolds! Thank you again!
"The time has come to see the world as it is." - Captain James T. Kirk
Twitter - @SDVargo
maninblack,
As always I am happy to help. I definitely enjoyed your mission and I am looking forward to playing Uprising Act II, which is currently 7th in the queue behind donperk's mission. I plan to get into the queue this morning so I will get through to the next mission just as soon as I can.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Federation Mission - The Fvain Group part 3
Author: Logitech007
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HIOTD6JKC
Report Start
Summary: As with the previous two reviews your overall concept of the mission series is a good one however the basic story structure needs a little more work. Your map designs are very well done throughout and the enemy mobs are very tough but for the most part fun. From a combat perspective players will really enjoy the tougher space combat; however I would not recommend this mission on Elite level. The battles are tough enough on Normal level. From the first mission through this mission you obviously took the recommendations I made on the previous missions. The mission and series has definitely come a long way from where you started. Overall the mission is good and I would recommend it to all players who like challenging combat in a mission.
It seems the use of the response button "Continue" is creeping back into missions.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a detailed description. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Starfleet and the Klingon Empire has made strides" to read "Starfleet and the Klingon Empire have made strides".
-Consider changing "The true person(s) behind all of this is reveled" to read "The true person(s) behind all of this is revealed".
Grant Mission Dialogue: This dialogue is exactly the same as the description. Your goal with the grant mission dialogue should be to draw the player in and make them want to click the 'Accept' button.
Mission Task: Consider adding the start location to the initial mission task. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS:
U.S.S. Hood's ready room: This is a simple map design. The dialogue is well written but would be better served as the Grant Mission dialogue discussed above. Consider deleting this map and moving the story dialogue to be used as the grant dialogue and then the player can move to the next map directly.
Orias system: This is a nice map design but the story dialogue needs a little work on the how you develop the story. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue". From this point forward I will note the maps it is used on and explain it in the summary.
-The "Weather Starstreaks North South" does not look good. Consider reorienting this map to a westerly orientation and using "Weather Starstreaks West East 01" effect. It looks more like warp space than the other.
-The Mr White dialogue; consider changing "but enough of this let's continue with the briefing, shell we" to read "but enough of this let's continue with the briefing, shall we".
-The Romulan Lieutenant dialogue "You can transporter over to the facility" to read "You can transport over to the facility".
Romulan installation 31: This is a nice map design but the story dialogue needs work on spelling and grammar. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-The Empress Sela dialogue; use of dialogue with "i" vice "I".
-The Colonel Hakeev dialogue; "Empresses, Some of my fleet is about to cross" to read "Empress, some of my fleet is about to cross"
-Consider changing "and are bring it to a Tal'Shiar base" to read "and are bringing it to a Tal Shiar base".
-The use of "Tal'Shiar" vice "Tal Shiar"
-The use of dialogue with "i" vice "I".
-Consider changing "As you wish, Empreses" to read "As you wish Empress"
-Consider changing "check on the guestes" to read "check on the guests".
-I like how you have the player approach and the doors open, however once the player reaches the next door you should have the previous door close.
-The General Shi'Vang dialogue; consider changing "What do you want you Romulan PaqtQ" to read "What do you want Romulan petaQ".
-Consider changing "No Paqt" to read "No petaQ".
-The Admiral Kris Mento dialogue; "I want revenge on the federation and Starfleet for given the Command of the U.S.S. Enterprise-F" to read "I want to take revenge on the Federation and Starfleet for giving Command of the U.S.S. Enterprise".
The dialogue label should read "Empress Sela" vice "Express Sela".
-Consider changing "Centurion, the facilities is picking up some strange readings" to read "Centurion; we are picking up some strange readings".
-Consider changing the response button "As you wish Empresses" to read "As you wish Empress".
Rura Pentha System: This is a good map design with challenging battles. The story dialogue needs work on spelling and grammar. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the map name "Rura Pentha System" to read "Rura Penthe System"
-Consider changing "[Rank], A Klingon Negh'Var cruiser" to read "[Rank] a Klingon Negh'Var cruiser".
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-The use of "Tal'shiar" vice "Tal Shiar".
-The Klingon Officer dialogue; consider changing "Stand bye" to read "Stand by".
-Consider changing "to be small so birds of prey" to read "to be small birds of prey".
-Consider changing "We are been hailed by the penal colony" to read "We are being hailed by the penal colony".
-Consider changing the response button "On Screen" to read "On screen".
-The Klingon Officer dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], The Chancellor has confirmed" to read "[Rank], the Chancellor has confirmed".
Rura Penthe: This is a good map design with simple battles. The story dialogue needs work on spelling and grammar. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Warden dialogue; consider changing "permission to come here from the chancellor" to read "permission from the Chancellor".
-Consider changing "I will fill charges with your Federation" to read "I will file charges with your Federation".
-Consider changing the console you have for the Rura Penthe information and Rura Penthe History to the Warden since the player is asking him those questions.
-The Rura Penthe History dialogue; consider changing "Starfleet captain Jonathan Archer" to read "Starfleet Captain Jonathan Archer".
-Consider changing "was one of Obisek man who was captured" to read "was one of Obisek's men who was captured".
-The General Shi'Vang dialogue; consider changing "so I don not have any information" to read "so I do not have any information".
-The Warden dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], did you get what you came from" to read "[Rank], did you get what you came for".
Rura Penthe System: This is a good map design with two good battles and well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "[Rank], Welcome back" to read "[Rank] welcome back".
Lirss System: This is a good map design with some tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Starbase 375 System: This is a good map design. The story dialogue needs work on spelling and grammar. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "deference" to read "defense".
-The Admiral Mirren Sola dialogue that starts with "You will destroy" is a run on sentence. Consider rewriting this portion of the dialogue.
-The dialogue that starts with "One for each target" is a run on sentence. Consider rewriting this portion of the dialogue.
-Consider changing "target because of their amount of crew" to read "target because of the amount of crew".
Aihai System: This is a nice map design with several very tough battles. The story dialogue is well written. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The enemy fleet is way too powerful and the player ends up fighting the remaining ships alone. Consider adding more support vessels.
NGC 1218 system: This is a nice map design with several very tough battles. The story dialogue is well written. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The enemy fleet is way too powerful and the player ends up fighting the remaining ships alone. Consider adding more support vessels.
Fvain Base Deck B: This is a nice map design with several tough but fun battles. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Turbolift" to read "turbolift".
-Consider changing the map transfer button "Lets go and everyone becareful" to read "Let's go and everyone be careful".
Fvain Command Deck: This is a nice map design with several tough but fun battles. The story dialogue is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the response button "Let's becareful" to read "Let's be careful".
-The Kris Mento dialogue; consider changing "[Rank], Hello, [Rank]" to read "[Rank], hello, [Rank]"
NGC 1218 system: This is a nice map design with several tough battles. The story dialogue is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Starbase 375 lower Deck: This is a nice map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Admiral Mirren Sola dialogue triggers and the mission feedback prompt comes up before you can finish reading. Consider setting the dialogue to be NPC contact so that it is completed before the mission feedback prompt appears for the end of the mission.
-The Admiral Mirren Sola dialogue that starts with "Both I and Starfleet Command" is a run on sentence. Consider rewriting this portion of the dialogue.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. Your concept for this mission and the series is good. With a little more work on the story dialogue and structure you can make it a great mission and series. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 10/26/2013 on forum posting for: Logitech's new master list of missions
Thanks again for everything and good luck with your reviews. Thanks again.
Logitech007
Hi Logitech007,
I am glad I could help and I agree that your authoring is definitely getting better.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Federation Mission - Epoch: Existence
Author: mildago
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HOTY8VSFQ
Report Start
Summary: This is a good mission, especially for your first work in the Foundry. The battles are tough but fun. The story dialogue is intriguing and well written. I would definitely recommend this mission to all players who like a good story mission with several tough battles. I would not recommend it on Elite as it was tough enough on Normal.
As I have mentioned many times before the response button "Continue" is the default response when a button is left blank for dialogue. I noted "Continue" was used for several response button to dialogue throughout most maps for this mission. There are places in dialogue where "Continue" works but most of the time it just does not work. This is particularly true when the "Player" is receiving reports from a BOFF. It can sometimes be difficult finding the appropriate response, but I believe it helps make the player feel like they are part of the story rather than just reading dialog.
One last thing I mentioned triggered dialogue on a few of the maps below. What I am referring to is the dialogue that when a player reaches a point on the map there is dialogue that normally appears on the players screen. You appeared to be using it to indicate certain things about the area the player had arrived at. It seemed to be coming from one of the BOFFs. As I mention below this type of dialogue will appear only on the screen and can be easily missed by the player. That is why I suggested replacing it with popup dialogue that the player can easily read.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This description is very well written and detailed. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue is well written. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: Consider adding the start location for the initial contact or custom map so the player can locate where to start easier. I noted no spelling errors with this initial task.
Mission Entry Prompt: Referring back to the mission task locating the entry point for your mission was very difficult. I had to run around the main deck of DS9 and came across the entry point completely by accident. Consider changing the mission task to define the exact location on DS9 of this entry point. Or consider changing the start location to another place. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS:
Deep Space Nine: This is a good but simple map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue". From this point forward I will note the maps it is used on and explain it in the summary.
-The entry for this map should be moved to entry point to DS9 on the sector map.
-The initial Hail Deep Space Nine button says "Interact" which is the default setting of the button when not filled in by the author. Consider changing it to "Open hailing frequencies" or something along those lines.
-Consider changing "However 12 hours ago received a distress call from Captain Alexei Panshin" to read "Twelve hours ago we received a distress call from Captain Alexei Panshin".
-Consider changing "From what we could discern from, the message that the U.S.S. Wayfarer had been attacked or suffered from some sort of cataclysmic failure" to read "From what we wer able to discern from the message, the ship had either suffered an attack or had a cataclysmic systems failure".
-Consider changing the following sentence into two separate sentences at the comma; "From what we could tell they seem to be in working order, we have deduced there would be no way they would be able to send a signal out of the interference from the black hole".
ZEA-213: This is a good map design with a couple of fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-The use of triggered dialogue that only displays on the screen, for example "Sir we?re picking up a derelict Federation ship", is not recommended. It can easily be missed by a player depending on where they display onscreen dialogue. In my case it is across the top of the screen.
-Consider changing "[Rank], A ship is decloaking" to read "[Rank], a ship is decloaking".
-Consider changing "However, it appears they are hailing us" to read "They are hailing us".
Nearby System: This is a good map design with tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Perhaps if we go around the gas giant we mightbe able to pick it up again" to read "Perhaps if we go around the gas giant we might pick it up again".
-Consider changing the response button "Can anyone tell me who we're up against" to read "Any idea who we are up against".
-Consider changing
-Consider changing "There weapons are firing damage like I've never seen before, its similar to the Cardassian disruptor however its shifting beyond phaser and disruptor damage" to read "There weapons are producing damage like I've never seen before. It's similar to the Cardassian disruptor however it's shifting beyond phaser and disruptor range".
-Consider changing "against a superior opponet" to read "against a superior opponent".
-Consider changing the response button "Lets find the Wayfarer" to read "Let's find the Wayfarer".
-Consider changing "I ahve no intention of leaving my ship" to read "I have no intention of leaving my ship".
Mysterious M Class Planet: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Planet Surface: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-Consider using "Captain" vice "Sir".
-Consider changing the map transfer button "Continue" to read "Let's go".
Underground Tunnels: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-Consider adding popup dialogue that comes up following each scan to provide information on each item scanned.
-Consider changing "Perhpas the interference is masking the other DNA" to read "Perhaps the interference is masking the other DNA".
-Consider changing the response button "Lets keep going" to read "Let's keep going".
-The use of triggered dialogue that only displays on the screen, for example "This seems to be some sort of engine or generator room" is not recommended.
-Consider changing "I'm picking up Human, Klingon, Cardassian, Gorn" to read "I'm picking up Human, Klingon, Cardassian, and Gorn".
-The map transfer dialogue button "Go to Next Map" is the default entry for the button. Consider changing it to read "Let's go".
Unknown Facility: This is a good map design with tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-The respawn points you added will not work as I believe you intended them to. The very fist respawn point is closest to the entry and exit point for the map. That respawn point is most likely the one you will need more than the others you created. The other points generated deeper into the map actually override the first one you created. Consider removing the other respawn points deeper in the map.
-The use of triggered dialogue that only displays on the screen, for example "Sir this is Klingon Technology, how long have they been doing this" is not recommended.
-Consider changing "This is federation crates and technology" to read "These crates and consoles are apparently Federation".
-Consider adding popup dialogue that comes up following each console the player investigates to provide information on each item scanned.
-Consider changing "He's unconcious" to read "He's unconscious".
-The sentence starting with "Without the proper sequence it would kill him" does not read correctly and needs to be rewritten.
-The sentence starting with "[Rank], as much as I would like" does not read correctly and needs to be rewritten.
-The "Investigate holographic display" task interaction button says "Interact" which is the default for interaction devices if the author does not make a change. Consider changing it to read "Activate console".
Geppetto's M Class Planet: This is a good map design with several tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-The sentence starting with "[Rank], it looks like the technology" is a run on sentence and needs to be rewritten.
Geppetto's Space Lab: This is a good map design with several tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-Consider changing "However, i hate to be the one to break this to you" to read "However, I hate to be the one to break this to you"
-Consider moving the Imposter's ship closer to the "Defeat Geppetto Imposter" task location.
Report to Deep Space Nine: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue that wraps up the mission. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission and I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 10/27/2013 on forum posting for: Epoch: Existence
Before starting I wanted to say this posting is not intended to call out any particular mission for the items discussed below. It is intended to help authors improve their missions as we move forward. So here we go.
In the more than 250 reviews I have conducted there have been great ones and not so great ones. This includes both combat and story oriented missions. The elements of these missions are essential to holding the attention of the player for the length of the mission. Recently I provided a template of a script I use, which is intended to help authors write a more cohesive story. This was in response to missions that I reviewed where the story did not seem to make sense. In one mission the NPC started talking to the player about an element of the story as if the player knew of it already, even though this was the first time it had been mentioned in the entire mission. Most likely this was caused by the author developing the story in the Foundry as they went along. You do not have to use the script template I provided in an earlier post but you should write the story elements down outside of the Foundry so you do not lose track of them. It is okay to try out elements of a mission within the Foundry to make sure you can recreate the effects and story elements you are trying to achieve. After you have proven these elements work you should then write out the story in your favorite word processor. This gives you two main advantages. The first is a cohesive story that you can verify each point is made in a proper order. The second is spelling and grammatical issues can be caught and corrected before you go to publish the mission. A cohesive story is critical to keeping your players riveted to their seats while playing your mission. This is particularly important to longer missions.
I also wanted to discuss character development in missions. In the post where I provided a script template there is a Cast listing which is optional. This element of the story development is optional but I highly recommend using the listing so you can easily keep track of the characters and ensure you create them in the foundry. I have found that use of the generic characters provided in the Foundry does not always work, especially if you want costume consistency throughout your story. As an author you cannot control what the player and BOFFs are wearing but you can at least control the rest of the story, which is essential to ensuring consistency throughout the story. When developing the NPCs the player will interact with you need to develop them so they match the story you are trying to create. This will help you in writing the dialogue of the story to match the NPC that is displayed. Again you can use the Foundry to test the limits of NPC creation, which includes ships, you are trying to achieve but as mentioned above you should not use it as your only means of developing a mission. I have played mission where the NPC I am talking to or fighting is supposed to be a particular character in the story but there appearance or label is something different. For example I am fighting a rebel from a specific planet but the NPCs are Klingon or Romulan even though they have nothing to do with the story. It is even worse if the default label is still there.
The goal of my reviews along with other articles has been and ever shall be to improve the quality of the Foundry authored missions, which serve to enrich the game for all players. I want to thank everyone who authors missions in the Foundry for taking the time to expand the STO universe. There is no way the good folks at Cryptic could generate enough missions to keep the community satisfied completely.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Foundry Mission Database
Check out my Foundry missions:
Standalone - The Great Escape - The Galaxy's Fair - Purity I: Of Denial - Return to Oblivion
Untitled Series - Duritanium Man - The Improbable Bulk - Commander Rihan
Agreed.
I think I get annoyed easier than Evil70th. :P
Thanks Zorbane.
Glad I could help Donperk. It helps my mission reviews if I have a higher threshold of annoyance.
Brian
Federation Mission - Perfection - Part 1
Author: Ashkrik23
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HD655WMRJ
Report Start
Summary: This is a good grind mission with several very tough battles on almost all your maps. There is just enough story dialogue to move the player forward from one battle to the next. You note the mission length varies "depending on difficulty and amount of players". I played by myself on Normal and it took almost 4 hours to play. This was due to the heavy duty nature and number of the enemy mobs. I would recommend this mission to all players who like a heavy grind mission with well written story dialogue; however I would not recommend it on Elite as it was difficult enough on Normal.
As I mentioned in my [URL=" http://sto-forum.perfectworld.com/showthread.php?p=4406001&#post4406001"]"Best Practices"[/URL] post a few months ago "just because you can create 10 maps does not mean you should". I bring this up because at least two of the maps in the mission seemed to be unnecessary to the mission, at least with the mission as it is currently written. The "Kessik Orbit" map seemed to be completely unnecessary. The player enters the map, flies across the map, and beams to the ship. This seemed to be an unnecessary use of a map. The other is the "Warp" map. On this map the player warps away from Earth through the gate and the mission immediately ends. As mentioned below I understood what you were going for but you need to add wrap up dialogue for the mission. There should be something there to help wrap up the mission rather than dropping it like that. Perhaps you could add a hint of what is to come in part 2 of the mission, some foreshadowing of the coming events, or even a discussion with the BOFFs of what their next action should be. Provide something to wrap up the story and leave a cliff hanger for the next installment of the story. You want to drive the player to want to play part 2 when you release it.
One last thing, as I have mentioned many times before and on several maps below the response button "Continue" is the default response when a button is left blank for dialogue. There are places in dialogue where "Continue" works but most of the time it just does not work. Even in those areas I recommend using "..." vice "Continue". Having the player respond with something other than "Continue" is most important when the "Player" is receiving reports from a BOFF. I know it can be difficult to find the appropriate response but I believe it helps make the player feel like they are part of the story and not just reading dialog.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: The description is interesting but does not serve to draw the player in and make them want to click the 'Hail' button. Consider adding more of the story to the description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue is similar to the description. You need something more than the initial sentence to make a player click the 'Accept' button. The main point to consider is there something more to this mission other than just another grind mission? I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: This is a good initial mission task. There is a clear start location for the first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS:
Kessik Orbit: This is a very nice map design with short, well written story dialogue. I am not sure if this map is needed in the mission as there is only the entry dialogue and the map transfer at the end. I understand what you are trying to do by having the player cross this map but it seemed unnecessary. Consider removing this map and taking the player directly to the U.S.S. Lion's Pride Bridge map. I noted one item to consider changing;
-Consider changing the initial dialogue response button "Continue" to read "Engage" or something that acknowledges the BOFFs report.
U.S.S. Lion's Pride Bridge: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The Briefing dialogue; consider changing "Greetings [Rank] [FirstName]" to read "Greetings [Rank] [LastName]".
-Consider changing "I'm sure you're just wondering why" to read "I'm sure you're wondering why".
-Consider changing "then you will know how dangerous" to read "then you know how dangerous".
Unknown System: This is a good map design with very tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the Confrontation dialogue response button "Yes M'am" to read "Yes ma'am".
-If there are going to be support vessels for the fighting then you need to balance them out. They were all destroyed in the first few minutes of fighting. Consider adding more support vessels.
Borg Tactical Cube Section #214: This is a good map design with several very tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue". From this point forward I will note the maps where I feel it is over used and discuss it in the summary.
-Since the player and the Admiral recently met consider having her refer to the player by "[Rank]" only.
-Consider changing "What's going in there" to read "What's going on there".
-In the upper west corner of the room away from all the dead bodies are a Caitian and Human. The Human is in the cage and the Caitian is outside gloating. Consider adding story triggered story dialogue to explain what is going on or remove them both from the map.
Borg Tactical Cube Section #777: This is a good map design with several very tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing;
-The use of the response button "Continue".
Unknown System, Borg Ambush: This is a good map design with several very tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing;
-The use of the response button "Continue".
Outpost 77 under fire: This is a good map design with several very tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing;
-The use of the response button "Continue".
Earth Under Fire: This is a great map design with several very tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Earth Space Dock Under Attack: This is a good map design with several very tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing;
-Consider changing "[Rank] [FirstName]" to read "[FirstName]".
-Consider changing "It's too late for me [Rank] [FirstName]" to read "It's too late for me [FirstName]".
-There appears to be a carriage return in the sentence starting with "There's a huge armada" between "here in" and "just a few". Consider removing it.
Escaping the Armada: This is a great map design with several very tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Warp: I understand what you are going for with this map but you need to add some sort of wrap up dialogue for the mission to the map. Literally as soon as the ship arrives the feedback pops up and the mission is over. Without any wrap up dialogue the mission just stops and that seems odd. Additionally the warp streaks; consider changing the entire map including the spawn point to face west on the map. Then use the "Weather StarStreaks West East 01". It is a better effect.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job developing this mission and I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 11/01/2013 on forum posting for: [URL=" http://sto-forum.perfectworld.com/showthread.php?t=835471"]Perfection, part 1[/URL].
It may be that the dialogue is a map pop-up instead of a story-line pop-up. Depending on what's happening, sometimes map popups get minimized immediately on space maps. If the player doesn't notice the reminder (usually in the lower-left corner of the screen) then they won't see it. Moving the dialog to the story-line should solve that.
Note that there's no easy way to move a dialog in this way. You'll need to create a new one on the story-line tab and do a lot of cut'n'paste.
Luckily it's not a lot of dialogue. Thanks for the help.
And by the way: this happens all the time when I write. The reminder is usually in the lower-RIGHT corner of the screen. *facepalm*
Glad I could help.
I am glad donperk was able to help. That is what I would have suggested to resolve the issue.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Federation Mission - Uncharted
Author: ACEMAN97
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HLNC2NGEW
Report Start
Summary: This is a good mission with a nice balance of well written story dialogue and battles. I would recommend this mission to other players as a fun mission that is not too long and enjoyable to play.
I like the premise of the mission. With that said, there are some plot issues I mention below that need to be addressed. Specifically the issues are with contradictory dialogue. In one sequence of dialogue the probes equipped to be sent cannot communicate to return data. Aside from the obvious communication issues the bigger concern would be the vessels ability to return from such a great distance. This communication issues also have contradicting dialogue references. In one portion the fact that the USS Luna has not been heard from is mentioned as an issue. However in later dialogue it is indicated that all communications will be severed once the player crosses the threshold. The other issue is how does the ship signal the gate to bring it back if communications are an issue? I mention a solution below regarding the gate creating a trigger event in the ships computer for it the return as it crosses the threshold. It would be a simple line of dialogue to add to the explanation of the technology.
The use of the Borg as the antagonist in this story is okay but I think you could have used this opportunity to create another species. This species could be powerful like the Borg but lacking in the ability to travel great distances. That would be the catalyst in the story that makes the Quantum Phasewave Technology the USS Luna was equipped with would be valuable to them. You could make them a malevolent race of creatures bent on conquering but they have been limited in their capability to travel long distances. Then the explosion detected by the Federation 30 years prior could be linked somehow to the story. I am sure you created that story point with a purpose in the impending series of missions you intend to create. It would give you the ability to write your own story and as you indicated in your review request to "get it popular".
One last thing, as I have mentioned many times before and on some of the maps below the response button "Continue" is the default response when a button is left blank for dialogue. There are places in dialogue where "Continue" works but most of the time it just does not work. Even in those areas I recommend using "..." vice "Continue". Having the player respond with something other than "Continue" is particularly important when the "Player" is receiving reports from a BOFF. Taking the extra time to write a better response helps make the player feel like they are part of the story and not just reading dialogue.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: The description is well written but needs a little more of the story to draw the player in and make them want to click the 'Hail' button. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: The grant dialogue is lacking story. As I indicated with the description above you need to create dialogue that draws the player into the story. The goal of the grant mission dialogue is to get the player to click the 'Accept' button. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: The initial task should contain the start location of the first custom map. I noted no spelling errors with this initial task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS:
Imaga VI: This is a very good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The over use of the response button "Continue" will be noted for each map where it is found to be over used and discussed on the summary above.
-The Commander Emma Sanders dialogue; consider removing the "How does Quantum Phasewave Technology work" from the initial dialogue response choices. This technology has not been mentioned in any dialogue at this point in the story, so it makes no sense for the player to ask this question. Move it to a point in the dialogue where it makes sense.
-The story point regarding "Starfleet Intelligence" detecting the explosion. Would it make more sense to have it be "Starfleet Science" instead? Especially since all other references in the dialogue mention scientist.
-Plot issue; in Commander Emma Sanders explanation of the Quantum Phasewave Technology she states that using the Transwarp Gate the ship can travel to any known location in the universe. The next map is labeled "Unknown Space". This seems inconsistent with the dialogue.
-Plot issue; the probes that were sent first "could not transmit their data over such a long distance" then why not bring them back to download their data. The first issue they should have been interested in testing was the ability to bring a ship back to the point of origin.
-Plot issue; loss of communication with the USS Luna is mentioned as an issue requiring investigation. In later dialogue you mention "We will not be able to communicate with you" and "you will not be able to transmit for help once you cross the threshold". So the fact that you lost contact with the USS Luna should not have been a concern. Consider changing the concern to be that USS Luna did not return as scheduled.
-Plot issue; regarding the Quantum Phasewave Technology, if a Transwarp Gate is needed to trigger the Quantum Phasewave Drive to send the ship to a location beyond normal warp distances then how do they trigger the return? This is related to the plot issue mentioned above regarding the probes "could not transmit their data over such a long distance". Consider adding dialogue in the explanation of the Quantum Phasewave Technology that discusses a computer system trigger created by the gate systems that allows the ship to return. You need to create something that does not rely on direct communication with the gate that triggered the drive to bring it back.
-There are a few places were the dialogue from BOFFs and NPCs that uses "sir". Consider changing those to "Captain" which would be commonly used when referring to the player. I would also use this rule throughout the mission vice [Rank].
Unknown Space: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-Plot issue; regarding life signs. When the player first arrives in the vicinity of the USS Luna there are no life signs detectable. In the Map Transfer dialogue "There is a noticeable concentration of life signs on Deck 5". Consider changing the initial readings to indicate "sensors are picking up Borg life signs spread across the ship". During the options discussion add dialogue that indicates "There is a noticeable concentration of life signs on Deck 5". Otherwise why bother beaming over in hopes of finding crew that could be saved. Just blow the ship up and leave.
USS Luna Deck 5: This is a good map design with balanced battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
USS Luna Deck 1: This is a good map design with balanced battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-In one dialogue Captain Ross refers to the player by [NickName] and in a later one he refers to the player by [Rank]. Consider changing it to be consistent. If the NPC has a familiar tone as Captain to Captain but it needs to be consistent.
Unknown Space #2: This is a good map design with balanced battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the dialogue "The USS Luna reports they will be prepared to depart in a few minutes" to read "The USS Luna reports they will be ready to beam up in a few minutes".
-Consider changing the Borg transmission to regular dialogue vice [MissionInfo] dialogue.
-The Captain Ross dialogue; consider changing "Seems the borg assimilated more than we first thought" to read "Seems the Borg assimilated more than we first thought".
-Consider changing "Sorry to interrupt sir" to read "Sorry to interrupt Captain".
-Plot issue; regarding the scanning of the debris. It feels like the sequence is out of order between the report of the scanning of the debris and the report regarding the retrieval of the Luna crew. Consider switching the sequence of the dialogue.
Imaga VI#2: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. It is a good wrap up to the mission. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a good job with the creation of this mission and with a little more work it will become a great mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work and this series in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 11/03/2013 on forum posting for: [URL=" http://sto-forum.perfectworld.com/showthread.php?t=835211"]My First Foundry Mission, "Uncharted" has been remastered and republished![/URL]
Federation Mission - Dark Reflections
Author: Crystyll
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HSS6E3Y72
Report Start
Summary: This is a great mission with good map designs, several tough battles and excellent story dialogue. You have created a great mission from start to finish. I was riveted to my seat and keyboard to see where the story would go next. I would highly recommend this mission to all players who like a great story combined with good maps and tough but fun battles. The twists and turns throughout will keep you engaged. I would recommend you create a forum posting for this mission here in The Foundry for Star Trek Online - Mission Database.
I mentioned the use of the response button "Continue" on several of the maps below. I have also seen this as an issue in several of the reviews I have completed recently, so I am not going to repeat the same comments again here. Suffice to say it is an issue that needs to be looked at, despite the fact that Cryptic is just as guilty of over using the response as anyone else here.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a detailed description with a well written plot layout. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a very intriguing and well written grant dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Operative [FirstName]" to read "Operative [LastName]". If the player has no last name it should default to their nickname.
Mission Task: adding the start location for the first contact or starting location for the first custom map. It will make it easier for the player to start your mission.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS:
Earth Spacedock (Cryptic Map): This is a good use of the Cryptic map but a little tedious making the player run across the map to get the next clue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing "Operative [FirstName]" to read "Operative [LastName]". If the player has no last name it should default to their nickname.
Celes Nebula: This is a good map design with fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-Consider moving the initial enemy mob further away from the spawn point to give the player a chance to read the initial dialogue.
-Consider using [OOC] dialogue to represent the player's dialogue within the dialogue box vice the [MissionInfo] you are currently using.
-The Talk to Azura dialogue; consider changing "Wha'ts she doing out here" to read "What's she doing out here".
-The Mysti dialogue; consider changing "I mean *ahem* [Rank] [FirstName]" to read "I mean *ahem* [Rank] [LastName]".
Azura: This is a good map design with some tough battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-With the tough enemy mobs you have placed on this map you need to add respawn points deeper into the map.
-Consider adding tasks to shut off the plasma leaks in the passageways. You could place a panel in the passageway near the leaks that the player can use to shut them down.
-The T'Val dialogue; consider changing "Greeting Operative [FirstName]" to read "Greetings Operative [LastName]". If the player has no last name it should default to their nickname.
I.S.S. Emissary Bridge: This is a good map design and the story dialogue is very well written. I noted one item that is more of an observation rather than an issue that needs to be resolved:
-This more of plot point than a real issue. I am just a little curious as to why the mirror universe folks would name a ship Emissary. It just seems unlikely.
Past Azura: This is a good map design with several tough but fun battles and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the enemy mob in the passageway from a patrolling to a stationary unit.
-You have several different species fighting the player across the map. Is this intentional? If they are supposed to be the Azura crew you need to consider changing the character appearance.
Present Azura: This is a good map design with excellent story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Celes Nebula Encounter: This is a good map design with a good battle and well written story dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The enemy ship is labeled "Typhoon Class Battleship" consider changing the label to read "I.S.S. Emissary".
-The map transfer dialogue; consider changing "The Emissary is dead in the water [Rank]" to read "The Emissary is dead in space [Rank]".
I.S.S. Emissary Crew Deck: This map design is well done with several tough battles spread across it. The story dialogue is very simple and I noted no problems with it. The map however seems completely unnecessary to the story. Consider removing it. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
I.S.S. Emissary Bridge#2: This is a good map design with tough battles and well written story dialogue. This is a good wrap up to the mission. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The player's counterpart is sitting on the floor buried half way in the captain's chair. Consider moving the NPC in front of the chair.
-The Mysti dialogue; consider changing "I came as quickly as i could" to read "I came as quickly as I could".
-The use of the response button "Continue".
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job developing this mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
Author: aleniskendra
Minimum Level: Any
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: Not sure?
Estimated Mission Length: 30-60 min (depending on choices made and weapon strength)
(Also, a quick shout-out, please visit Starbase UGC for all your Foundry needs!)
Name: Cold Winds
Faction: Federation
Level: 35+
Begins: in sector space at the Vulcan System
Thanks in advance.
Hi aleniskendra,
Welcome to the Foundry and to the queue.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Hi drogyn1701,
Welcome back to the queue. Your mission is currently 13th in the queue behind aleniskendra. I am getting back into the queue this morning and will get to your mission as soon as I can.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Thanks, Brian! I look forward to reading your excellent review. :-) The service you provide is much appreciated.
(Also, a quick shout-out, please visit Starbase UGC for all your Foundry needs!)
You are welcome aleniskendra. I really enjoy doing my reviews and hope they serve to help authors make batter missions. The Foundry allows the authors to expand STO and makes the playing environment much richer for us all.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Klingon Mission - The Sins of the Fathers
Author: donperk
Allegiance: Klingon
Project ID: ST-HHAYT6KPV
Report Start
Summary: This is a great mission with plenty of tough but fun battles throughout and very well written story dialogue. Despite the issues listed on the maps and in the summary below I would highly recommend this mission to all players who like a good story combined with heavy combat. It is well worth the play time.
As I mentioned on all the maps with the exception of the Qo'noS First City (Cryptic Map) map the dialogue felt more like a Federation rather than a Klingon mission. I accept the fact that Klingons have a sense of humor, are intelligent, and can respond without resorting to violence; however the dialogue did not feel Klingon enough in most places. I really do not like using the term "Klingon enough" but I feel like much of dialogue did not have that feel to it and needs to be reworked. At the very least you should give the player additional options that are sterner than the ones provided in most of the dialogue.
I mentioned the need to use Hirogen names vice less Terran references. This also applied to some of the other species as well. The use of lo'laH and raQ'el is a good example of masking the names. Despite the fact that they are obviously not Klingon they are hidden by making them appear to be Klingon. If nothing else I would recommend this be applied to all the areas indicated below.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a good description. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.
Grant Mission Dialogue: This is good grant dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.
Mission Task: This is a good initial task with a clear location to begin the mission. I noted no spelling errors with this task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.
MAPS:
Qo'noS First City (Cryptic Map): This is a good use of the cryptic map elements within your mission. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
House of Dubious Virtue: This is a great map design with some glorious optional battles. The story dialogue is very well written but the player responses and some of the dialogue feels more like a Federation rather than a Klingon mission. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The Uncle Q'jel dialogue; consider changing the response button "Still, paralyzing yourself because you think you are being followed is prety crazy" to read "Still, paralyzing yourself because you think you are being followed is pretty crazy".
Qo'noS System: This is a great map design with tough but glorious battles. The story dialogue is very well written but the player responses and some of the dialogue feels more like a Federation rather than a Klingon mission. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-A plot point to consider, being in the Qo'noS system and having no other Klingon vessels around at all let alone aid in the defense against the Hirogen ships seems unlikely. Consider adding other Klingon ships as background decoration.
-Consider changing "or I turn your pretty little ship" to read "or I will turn your pretty little ship".
-Consider changing the attacking Hirogen ship names to less Terran references.
Ready Room: This is a good map with very well written story dialogue but the player responses and some of the dialogue feels more like a Federation rather than a Klingon mission. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The Admiral vaQ dialogue; consider changing the response button "qapla', indeed" to read "Qapla', indeed".
M24 (arriving): This is a great map design with some glorious optional battles. I like the optional diplomatic path as well. The story dialogue is very well written but the player responses and some of the dialogue feels more like a Federation rather than a Klingon mission. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
Triskelion: This is a great map design with tough but glorious battles. The story dialogue is very well written but the player responses and some of the dialogue feels more like a Federation rather than a Klingon mission. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-A plot point to consider, the entire conversation with Rienna regarding the ships Trill doctor is unnecessary to the story. If you want to leave it in you should give the player to skip the dialogue.
-Consider changing the Hirogen names to less Terran references.
Freedom's Home: This is a good map with very well written story dialogue but the player responses and some of the dialogue feels more like a Federation rather than a Klingon mission. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
M24 (leaving): This is a great map design with tough but glorious battles. The story dialogue is very well written but the player responses and some of the dialogue feels more like a Federation rather than a Klingon mission. I noted one item to consider changing:
-Consider changing the attacking Hirogen ship names to less Terran references.
House of Dubious Virtue (Denouement): This is a great map design with some tough but glorious battles. The story dialogue is very well written but the player responses and some of the dialogue feels more like a Federation rather than a Klingon mission. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider changing the Klingon, Orion and Hirogen names to less Terran references.
-The lo'laH dialogue; consider changing "Starfllet wasn't ready to accept" to read "Starfleet wasn't ready to accept".
Epilogue: This is a good map with very well written story dialogue but the player responses and some of the dialogue feels more like a Federation rather than a Klingon mission. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue or any issues with the map.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job demonstrating that Klingon missions do not have to be all about combat and nothing else. It is a great story. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 11/06/2013 on forum posting for: "The Sins of the Fathers" - a new Klingon mission.
A few thoughts:
Hopefully Admiral vaQ felt like a real Klingon.
Thanks again for your insights, Brian. I really appreciate what you do with this.
Glad I could help. I really enjoyed the mission.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Again, thank you so much for your review, Brian. It gave me a chance to step back from the mission and view it through another set of eyes.