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Request; Someone to look over a script
turbomagnus
Member Posts: 3,479 Arc User
I'm not that good with programming, so I'm not sure I'll even be able to make it into a Foundry mission, but I've been working on a script for a mission idea I've had...
Would anyone be willing to look over the partial script and give me their opinions?
Would anyone be willing to look over the partial script and give me their opinions?
"If you can't take a little bloody nose, maybe you ought to go back home and crawl under your bed. It's not safe out here. It's wondrous, with treasures to satiate desires both subtle and gross; but it's not for the timid." -- Q, TNG: "Q-Who?"
^Words that every player should keep in mind, especially whenever there's a problem with the game...
^Words that every player should keep in mind, especially whenever there's a problem with the game...
Post edited by Unknown User on
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(I know you battle-minded authors are cringing right now, but you've got to admit that starting with story is a good way to learn Foundry basics.)
As far as script review, I'm certainly open to it. I'm currently producing a kind of comic book by first writing the dialogue as a screenplay and then converting that into comic book frames. So I'm familiar with script treatments.
(shipname) is sent to track Borg manuveurs in a rarely-traveled sector of space near Talos IV, upon discovering the Borg proximity to Talos IV, General Order Seven is suspended and the (shipname)'s crew informed of the reasons behind the Order - the Talosian illusionary abilities and the two-hundred year old colony/family of humans currently living alongside the Talosians.
Routine patrol, enforcing the line for a quarantined sector (Talos system), (shipname) engages and defeats a Borg ship (Probe or Sphere most likely)
OPS: Borg vessel confirmed destroyed, Captain. Starfleet Command has standing orders that any Borg encounters are to be reported as soon as possible, sir...
button: I'm well aware of the standing orders. Hail Starfleet.
OPS: Aye, sir, hailing Starfleet...
button: Admiral Danar...
ADMIRAL DANAR: Yes, Captain, what do you have to report?
button: We encountered a Borg vessel near the Talosian quarantine line.
ADMIRAL DANAR: This is troubling, Captain. Latest reports from the Omega Task Force show no signs of Borg activity anywhere near there. As you know, approaching or contact with Talos IV is the sole remaining death penalty on Federation books. However, considering the circumstances, I hearby waive General Order Seven. You now have authorization to access the LCARS database information on Talos and make contact with the Talosians. You'll understand the gravity of the situation after you read the information, suffice to say that if the Borg manage to assimilate even one Talosian, the results could be disasterous.
button: Acknowleged, Admiral.
SCIENCE OFFICER: Encryption codes being recieved now, Captain.
button: Access Talos IV database entry.
(PLANET: Talos IV
INDIGINOUS NAME: Clesik
PRIMARY STAR: Talos
GALACTIC CO-ORDINATES; negative 119.4, negative 43.7, negative 24.0
DATABANK:
The Talos star group consists primarily of white dwarf stars and 'Stellar corpses', which are systems now devoid of life. One red giant still supports a planetary system, however. Its five inner planets are remarkable for their highly eccentric orbits. In fact, no two worlds lie in the same orbital plane, a phenomenon believed to be the result of ancient planetary engineering. The other six planets, all gas giants with no natural satellites, have conventional orbits.
Continue: One of Talos' eleven planets, Talos IV, is the home of a dying race of humanoid beings, the last of a once-spacefaring culture. The Talosians are pale-skinned, of slight build, and have the largest cranial structure of any known humanoid species. This increased brain size has resulted in such great mental powers that they have become masters of hypnotic illusion. By superimposing their brainwaves over the natural sensory receptors of other beings, the Talosians can make others see, hear, and feel anything the telepaths wish. Since this power extends deep into space, the entire sector has been quarantined. Entry into the Talosian sector demands the only death penalty applicable under Federation law. Any emergency call or other signal emanating from the area is assumed false, with no exceptions.
Continue: The Talosians, nearly extinct and no longer able to reproduce, sought 'breeding stock' for a slave culture to rebuild their planet, devastated in a nuclear war thousands of years ago. They had lost the ability to build and could not even repair those machines and structures left by their surface-dwelling ancestors. The Constitution-class USS Enterprise NCC-1701, commanded by Captain Christopher Pike, answered a distress call supposedly transmitted by the lost United Earth colonization vessel SS Columbia. The plea was a trap, and Pike was captured so that he could mate with the Columbia's only survivor, a Terran woman. A determined effort by Pike to escape convinced the Talosians that his was too dangerous a race for their purposes, and he was eventually freed.
Continue: General Order Seven was instituted in an effort to prevent any other race from learning the Talosians' power of illusion, the ultimate cause of the death of their race.
OPS: I've always wondered why this sector was quarantined, Captain. The Admiral is right, if any surviving Talosians are assimilated... that level of mental power in the hands of the Collective.
PLAYER: It is a sobering thought, I agree. Admiral... have you any recommendations to keep us from ending up in Captain Pike's situation.
DANAR: Actually, Captain, measures are already in place. After a severe accident left him paralyzed, Commodore Pike was invited by the Talosians to return to Talos IV and live there, with the Talosians' providing an illusion of full mobility for him to live out the remainder of his life in. While the situation leading up to it was less than ideal, General Order Seven was waived for the Commodore.
PLAYER: How does that help us?
DANAR: The Commodore is still alive on Talos IV, he sends a check-in message directly to the Chief of Starfleet Operations each year. When you reach the planet, contact Commodore Pike, he'll tell you how to handle the situation from there.
(Warp to Talos system... space battle against more Borg vessels.)
(Beam down;
Objective: Contact Commodore Pike and the Talosians.
ground borg fights.
When you reach Pike, he thanks you for your assistance, the Talosians were able to free his mind, but not heal his body and their illusions were ineffective against these machine-men.
PLAYER: "They're called the Borg, sir. A lot has happened in the galaxy since you... retired."
PIKE: "I'm sure it has. As cold as it may sound, Captain, I can't concern myself with the rest of the galaxy, but I can care about what happens here."
PLAYER: "If we can't do something about the Borg, Commodore, they'll assimilate you and everyone else on this planet, turning you all into beings like them, completely under the control of the Collective. Possibly even assimilate the planet itself."
PIKE: "We can't allow that to happen."
PLAYER: "Starfleet has a special unit dedicated to fighting the Borg - Task Force Omega. I'll have my ship route a transmission direct to Admiral D'Vak on Deep Space Nine. We just have to hold the Borg back until they get here."
OPS: "I'll see to that message personally, Sir."
PIKE: "Will one ship be enough?"
PLAYER: "I never thought I'd hear a Captain of an Enterprise ask that question, sir.")
(More ground battle;
Objective: Defend the Talosian Underground Complex.)
(PIKE: "Captain... I've spoken with the Talosians. They're a dying people, Captain, and when they're gone there'll be nothing in the history books to say they were here... and that's what they want, Captain. They've asked that if we outlive them, when we're going to die, that my wife and I activate devices they've placed around the planet to cause a geothermal reaction that will destroy any trace of them left on Talos IV."
PLAYER: "Commodore, do you realise what you're saying? Destroy the whole planet just to keep the Borg from acquiring the Talosians' technology and biology."
PIKE: "Article Fourteen, Section Thirty-One of the Starfleet Charter, Captain. Nobody like it, but it's there.")
(Space battle;
Kobayashi Maru.
Objective: Defeat first wave of Borg ships.
Defeat second wave of Borg ships.
OPS: Captain! A Borg scoutship got through!
PLAYER: Inform Commodore Pike, we've got to hold on until Omega gets here.
Defeat third wave of Borg ships.
Defeat fourth wave of Borg ships.
OPS: We're being hailed from the surface, Captain.
button: On screen.
PIKE: Even in this day and age, sometimes, blood, sweat and tears will avail little. The Borg have managed to prevent us from activating the geothermal overload. Talos cannot be allowed to be assimilated by the Borg. You know what you have to do, Captain... and for what it's worth, we forgive you.
button: I understand, Captain, and... thank you, because we might not be able to forgive ourselves...
OPS: Captain?
button: Science Officer, find me a weak spot in the planet's crust.
SCIENCE: Scanning now... Captain...
button: I know. Let the record show that I absolve my crew of any wrong, you're simply carrying out my orders.
(Talos object target, planet is destroyed.)
Defeat fifth wave of Borg ships.
(Klingon and Starfleet Omega Force ships arrive...)
D'VAK: What has happened here, Captain?
PLAYER: It's a long story, Admiral. One that will never be in the history books.
D'VAK; Ha! After we've dealt with these Borg, I expect to hear this 'long story'! Preferably over a glass of bloodwine, Captain.
Defeat final wave of Borg ships with the help of Task Force Omega.
AUTHOR: Special thanks go to Shane Johnson, author of the Star Trek reference book "The Worlds of the Federation", from which the databank entry on Talos IV was used without permission or intent to profit.
^Words that every player should keep in mind, especially whenever there's a problem with the game...
Overall, this is a solid, self-contained story. Harking back to "The Cage" and "The Menagerie" for lore is near and dear to me -- I've also done a Foundry mission that makes reference to Captain Pike. The use of library data in a Star Trek story is always a nice touch if it is not too detailed, and I think you hit a good balance with it.
Also, you've specified a good mix of battles that fit well within the story.
I know you are trying to keep the tale simple -- heroic Federation officers keep the Borg from assimilating the Talosians at all costs -- but there is a missed opportunity here. It would be nice if the crew became suspicious that there wasn't a Borg attack at all -- that the Talosians were back to their old tricks and the battle never really happened. Some mind games here that keep the player guessing -- even after the story is over -- would be a very nice touch. The thought that this entire scenario, including the "destruction" of Talos IV, is just a Talosian trick to lift General Order Seven, would become a point of discussion in Foundry circles for some time.
But... the story is solid as-is. A good morality play where individual sacrifices are made for the good of the peoples of the Alpha Quadrant.
I have additional thoughts that I've broken into a few different categories:
FOUNDRY MECHANICS:
QUESTIONS THAT SHOULD BE ANSWERED
NIT-PICKS:
Again, I think this is a solid story. It should be about a 40-60 minute mission with all of the battles.
1. The script itself isn't completely finished yet and is still just an outline in some places, those will be fleshed out.
2. Probably a TOS Foundry Contact - Commodore Ross or whoever from "Night of the Comet" if it's there, an illusion of young and healthy Pike, basically.
3. Talosians... Don't know if we'll see them or not. I'm thinking of either implying or stating outright and, as an added security layer, any Federation communication with Talos has to go through Pike to reduce the chances of being altered somehow...
4. I've been envisioning the destruction of the planet from the "Doomsday" mission, something like that, maybe, in regards to the destruction of Talos. Not sure how that would work out.
5. Notes like "Kobayashi Maru", "Routine Patrol", etc... are notes to indicate different parts of the mission, like you'd see in-game in the mission tracker; "Death Penalty - Routine Patrol - Destroy Borg scout ship", "Death Penalty - Kobayashi Maru - Answer hail from Pike"... So, it's a little bit of both, it's something a player would see in-game, but it's also meant to indicate it's a no-win scenario; destroy an entire planet or let it be assimilated by the Borg...
6. Who knows... now that I think about it, maybe it all turns out to be an illusion; a holodeck training program for Omega, a modern version of the "Kobayashi Maru" scenario... that could be an interesting twist at the end, wouldn't it...
^Words that every player should keep in mind, especially whenever there's a problem with the game...
Realize that we can do quite a bit in the Foundry costume editor to create a Pike that is similar to Jeffery Hunter's Pike from "The Cage". We have to take a bit of care to avoid a Terms of Service violation, but it can be done. In fact, I would think that a caricatured Pike (stronger jaw, larger musculature, etc.) would not only satisify the TOS, but would be more in keeping with what the Talosians would do -- Pike's image of himself is likely bigger than life and the Talosians would project that more idealized image.
One other thing... I believe in "The Menagerie" that Pike's rank is Fleet Captain, not Commodore, but that's from a failing memory and should be verified.
Also, I mis-spelled Vina's name earlier. :P
I'd love to see someone else's thoughts on this script.
Talos is too far from the Borg. The location of Talos is near Eminar and Andor, so it would be highly doubtful that the Borg would choose Talos over juicier targets like Eminar and Andor. http://images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120828225333/memoryalpha/en/images/6/62/The_Explored_Galaxy.jpg
Starfleet lifted General Order 7 prior to 2380, so it is no longer quarantined.
It's very doubtful that the Talosians could extend Pike's life as they only had mental abilities. Pike and Vina would be dead by 2409. The Talosians would have also died out by this time as well due to the lack of being able to reproduce.
Talosians lack the ability to understand technology including their own. Memory Alpha has this to say on the subject: As their mental powers grew, they lost the ability to use the technology left behind by their ancestors. Pike was marooned at the end of The Menagerie and had no equipment by Spock and Kirk. http://en.memory-alpha.org/wiki/Talosian
The Talosians would have used their mental abilities against the Borg that would have resulted in the Borg not seeing them or that they weren't there at all. Given that the surface of Talos IV is a wasteland it's highly probable that the Borg would have just bypassed it.
Just a few of thoughts:
I think the story still has merit. And it could certainly be an "alternate universe" story if need be.
Since STO is non-canon I felt inclined to include the lifting of GO7 as being relevant within the context of the non-canonicity of STO.
They may have stitched her back together again shows they have rudimentary medical knowledge and that is it. There is nothing in the episodes The Cage and The Menagerie to show that they had the knowledge to extend their life.
Since both episodes show only 5 Talosians as being alive at this point in time it is highly improbable that those five survived. There isn't any evidence to support that they do have long lifespans. It does show that they do not have the ability to use any advanced technology.
The Borg wouldn't be interested as the Talosians do not have any advanced technology. However, the telepathy of the Talosians extended quite a long ways away as evidenced in The Menagerie. The Enterprise receives a direct feed from Talos IV during the entire trip from Starbase 11 to Talos IV.
Ah... forgot about that. "The Cage" seemed to indicate a more localized ability.
2. There is also nothing to show that they couldn't. You're trying to argue that the absence of something proves its lack of existance. It can't be proven either way that they could or couldn't. Considering that McCoy was 137 when the Enterprise-D launched, despite it being a stretch, it's entirely possible that Pike could have made it to the rough age of 175-200, we just don't know.
3. Again, you're trying to argue based on the absence of something. That's like saying that because we only see the same half-dozen officers each week on a show, there's no one else on board the ship. It could simply be that those five were the only Talosians involved in the project.
4. What is the Borg's statement? "We will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to our own". Biological. The Talosian illusionary abilities are certainly capable of being considered a 'biological distinctiveness. And how is Talos 'far from the Borg' considering the regular Borg Red Alerts in nearly all sector blocks in game?
^Words that every player should keep in mind, especially whenever there's a problem with the game...
First off, you asked for help regarding your script and I gave my nitpicks based upon Star Trek's massive lore. I give my feedback to help you improve your story and making it more engaging while being plausible.
2. They did show it in both The Cage and The Menagerie that the Talosians lack advanced technology and the understanding on how to use it. They can't even repair the technology they have and utilize illusions to compensate for it.
3. On the contrary, I'm not arguing in the absence of fact. I am stating what was seen on screen that there are only five Talosians left. You are arguing that there are more which is absent from any facts as seen on screen or in the universe as a whole. The dialog in both The Cage and The Menagerie establishes that there are very few Talosians left while reinforcing this by showing only 5 Talosians on screen. It's up to you to defend that there are more with evidence beyond you saying that there are more.
4. Since the Borg are interested only in technology and their reasons for assimilating species with tech that is not in their database. The Talosians lack technology along with the close proximity to Eminair and Andor would mean that the Eminair and Andor would be better targets since those are Federation worlds while Talos is a nuclear wasteland devoid of anything on the surface. Now canon does state that the Borg will destroy a species if they lack technology. It's a lot like a person looking at a cockroach and decides to step on the cockroach.
The Borg have no interest in mental illusions and the technology exists already that renders the Talosian abilities non-functional. The Federation did develop the technological counter to the Talosian illusions and given the history of the Borg and the Federation's run ins the Borg would already have possessed this technology due to the events of TNG, etc... What would the Talosians offer to the Borg since the illusion nullification technology is already possessed by the Borg?
To sum up point 4, what interest does a barren rock filled with an extinct species hold for the Borg when there is Eminair and Andor nearby? Eminair has disintegration technology that would interest the Borg far more than mental illusions. Andor is the Andorian homeworld and has far greater technology than Eminair.
I do like your premise for visiting Talos again and having Pike back in the picture. However, I would recommend making it a time travel and/or alternate reality episode while dropping the Borg from the picture. I can easily see the Tal'Shiar wanting to harness the Talosian abilities since they have similar PSI potential.
Think about this set up: Tal'Shiar sends back several ships to Talos IV upon learning of its existence in 2409 with the intent of capturing a Talosian, so they can learn how to do mental illusions and use it to force the Federation aligned Romulans back into the Empire. The USS Wells notices the time disruption and has the player go back in time to stop the kidnapping. The player notices Captain Pike wandering around the surface and interact with him.
The basic premise remains the same, but the details are altered to better fit and do episodes of The Cage and The Menagerie justice.