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Star Trek Online: Urgent News! (joke thread)
mimey2
Member Posts: 0 Arc User
I enjoyed the 'STO news' thread we had a few weeks ago or whenever it was. And in that same vein, here's another one. I'll start off with something simple:
"A large, alien object with a pointy end was found spinning today in downtown San Fransisco on Earth. That's our 'top' story."
(Yes I stole that from Whose Line is it Anyway)
"A large, alien object with a pointy end was found spinning today in downtown San Fransisco on Earth. That's our 'top' story."
(Yes I stole that from Whose Line is it Anyway)
I must admit, respect points to Trendy for laying down the law like that.pwlaughingtrendy wrote:I remain empathetic to the concerns of my community, but do me a favor and lay off the god damn name calling and petty remarks. It will get you nowhere.
Post edited by mimey2 on
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"We just don't receive enough of the total military budget. We are just giving too much of it away as aid to the romulans where we can't afford to maintain the fleet. We aren't a civilian organisation for crying out loud."
However Commander Wildman, commanding officer of Deep space K7, located in the same sector as the incident says it was an accident waiting to happen.
"Who's bright idea was it to give out hundreds of starbases to different fleets yet put them all in the same system? Now I have to spend my time and resources helping to repair the damage. A starbase on the front lines doesn't have those kind of resources to spare."
It is unlikely that the Klingons will capitalize on the situation as reports coming out of Qo'nos claim that there was a similar incident not so long ago near Ganalda. Back on Earth, the president has declared a week of mourning for those who perished, but it is unclear if the lessons of the incident have been learned.
And now a word from our sponsors:
After a long deployment, where better to spend your shore leave than at the famous Quarks bar? Located on the promenade of Deep Space 9.
Harden up Princess
Looking for an Oceanic fleet? Check out our website:
www.ausmonauts.com
"Hah! You are doomed! You're only armed with that pathetic excuse for a musical instrument!!!" *the Savage Beast moments before Lonnehart the Bard used music to soothe him... then beat him to death with his Fat Lute*
This is your on the ground reporter Joran for TSNN Tal Shiar News Network
reporting live from my undisclosed secret location in the porta potty near the embassy construction site at new romulus.
Todays weather forcast for New romulus it is sunny with chance of leathel stench since the klingons make the whole planet smell like an old sweaty gym sock.
Oh did i mention that your all incompetent fools and that the tal shiar will restore the romulans to their former glory?
Also just in D'tan is not a romulan but a vulcan in pajamas also seen cavorting with admiral quinn and chancellor j'mpok i was fortunate enough to get a picture of the three together.
http://static.neatorama.com/images/2008-10/three-stooges.jpg
There also reports that of someone blowing our base on new romulus to smithereens.....WHO PUT THAT IMBECILE IN CHARGE OF THE BASE!!!!
Also we would like to take a momment to thank whoever was responsible for killing hakeev you did us a great service we thank you.
Did i mention how incompetent you all are?
Ok now back to you mimey2
Man with Epohh: This here is Edward. I was just mindin' my own business one day, when I heard him talking!
*Edward sits on the man's lap, starting to fall asleep*
Reporter: Would you show us an demonstration?
Man with Epohh: Certainly! Alright Edward, tell us about yourself.
*Edward continues to sit there*
Come on Edward, don't be shy!
*Edward falls asleep*
Now now Edward, we don't want to keep everyone waiting!
*Edward wake up and growls, then jumps up and attacks the man*
OH MY GOODNESS! GET IT OFF!
*The reporter and other staff member attempt to catch Edward as he runs around, and the camera gets knocked over sideways in the commotion. Edward can be seen running around while the man is being carried away. The scene then changes to commmericals*
Travelers through Tau Dewa are advised to beware and report any stray hangers they see floating in the space ways.
The Romulan engineering counsel issued a statement earlier today - " Wow, duct tape is not warp capable, who knew?" They then returned to their project of affixing warp nacelles onto New Romulus. "No worries on this one, New Romulus will launch with hanger bays. And a weather system!"
Federation authorities promised a press conference as soon as they stop face palming.
This comes on the heels of the announcement that Donatra and the assimilated Valdore have suffered their 10,000,000th defeat.
The Borg Queen has now officially been defeated more times this year than Armek of Borg.
Despite these victories, Admiral D'Vak cautions that Omega Force is no closer in its goal to put an end to the Borg threat.
"For every time we defeat Donatra and prevent a temporal incursion into the Vega colony, Starbase 82 comes under attack twice," D'Vak said. "There have been other setbacks as well. Why just in the last hour, the Kang has been destroyed at least forty-seven times. And every time anyone even attempts to destroy the Queen's command ship, my own flagship, the Houston gets destroyed. I've probably been killed at least three times as often as the Queen has, at this point."
Meanwhile, in the Alpha Centauri Sector Block, Starbase Sierra 39 celebrates the milestone of one million Crystalline Entities destroyed since the threat reemerged this past April.
"I almost feel bad for those poor crystal things," said visiting KDF General Ssharki, standing in front of a crystalline shard displayed in the mess hall of his Bortasqu'-class battlecruiser. "Almost. But every time I stack attack pattern beta, a tachyon beam and aceton beam three on it, and then spray it with my polarized disruptor cannons and slam it with hargh'peng torpedoes, I can't help but think to myself 'This really isn't fair.'"
The interview was cut short as Sshakri departed to confront yet another Crystalline Entity that had appeared near Memory Alpha. "Maybe this time I'll lay off the aceton beam and give the poor thing a fighting chance," the Gorn said before our reporter was shoved out an airlock.
...Oh, baby, you know, I've really got to leave you / Oh, I can hear it callin 'me / I said don't you hear it callin' me the way it used to do?...
- Anne Bredon
J'Hlon: "It is a clean, honorable kill. Better than a shot in the back. And the interstellar dustbuster bunnies can clean up anything left over."
S'throk: "I disagree! A flamethrower would burn all the detritus into ash."
D'Burdu: (facepalms) "There is no oxygen in space, ergo a flamethrower would be absolutely useless. Didn't you learn anything in xenochemistry class?"
S'throk: (sulks)
T'Adra: "Surely we can be diplomatic here. If a flamethrower is useless, that does not mean that there are no other possible options. We could use tricobalt mines, triggered remotely. Or gravity waves. At worst, what is left would easily burn up in a nearby planet's atmosphere."
Moderator: "Any rebuttal to this suggestion?"
J'Hlon: "It is not honorable, it is not what a Klingon would do."
T'Adra: "What would a Klingon do? Use velcro?"
S'throk: (mumbles something)
J'Hlon: "You insult my house by calling it a haven for tribbles? You will die for this!"
(discussion group dissolves into melee, with the moderator attempting to bring peace and order; even the Vulcan seems quite amused at the outcome)
Moderator: "We'll continue with this next week." (gets stabbed accidentally by J'Hlon's bat'leth as he attacks S'throk) "Medic!"
T'Adra: "Poor aim. Her heart is actually a few centimeters higher. Shall I do it for you, J'Hlon?"
(moderator flees off-screen)
Today marked the first game of the Intergalactic Baseball League's Divisional Series. The Q'onos Red Sox are hosting the United Earth Yankees in Lehway Park. Retired Col. S'Hilling performed the ceremonial bloodying of the sock on Lah'Key tonight, and Cle'Men is scheduled to perform tomorrow's ritual.
When Col. S'Hilling offered the option for Andre Pettit to accept the ceremonial sock bloodying, he responded by beaning Ped'Roia, standing in the on-deck circle.
The game was suspended due to all the Red Sox starters recovering from emergency medical treatment aboard the USS Whambulance, and the Yankee bench is undergoing continued concussion testing at Klinzhia Central Hospital.
Koach T'ito held an impromptu press conference in the Wham's triage room, citing "I don't understand why Pettit declined the ritual of the ceremonial sock, playing wounded is honorable". However, when questioned as to why the Red Sox were unable to take the field after the bench clearing brawl, he was barely heard whispering something about "using up all our honor defending Lah'Key".
Andrea Girardi, Manager of the Yankees, has issued the following statement: "We stand by our decision to empty the benches in defense of umpire D'Walter. We can't believe the Sox were willing to empty their benches just because Lah'Key was pointed at by the ump." The only other comment we've received from the Yankee squad was from team captain Bill B. Jeter, who said "we look forward to tomorrow's double header to make up for this lost game".
In quieter news, the Tal'Shiar Jets lost to the Mol'Rihan Sea-Epohhs during last night's MNF game 14-0, and Ha'achez committed the 30th fumble of his career as he ran into his own center, who insists on using his cloaking device pre-snap for the bonus it gives him during his blocks.
Later tonight, we'll hear from noted sports physician Jim Pulaski, again pushing for the recall of major sport franchises from the Omega Leonis sector, citing the end of the detente that led to certain teams relocating to Q'onos and other Klingon worlds. The Rura Penthe Packers have sent Jm'pok to represent the sporting interests of the Omega Leonis sector citing the fact that despite the war, there has been no injuries, captures, or sales into slavery of any and all civilians or players who have traveled under a diplomatic flag to major events in the sector, however, in the nearly 500 year history of the Sox-Yanks rivalry, bench clearing brawls like tonights are a semi-common occurrence.
Jm'pok was also noted as extending diplomatic immunity for all game one attendees through the first half of the day-night doubleheader.
To rob a line: [quote: Mariemaia Kushrenada] Forum Posting is much like an endless waltz. The three beats of war, peace and revolution continue on forever. However, opinions will change upon the reading of my post.[/quote]
T'Dara of Vulcan is our guest meteorologist.
"The weather control satellites usually take care of the weather on Vulcan, regardless of what non-Vulcans have said about Vulcan's bland, uninteresting weather. A rocky, desert world with stable tectonics is just that. Expectations of hurricanes and earthquakes strike me as rather absurd." (frowns at the director, who is trying hard not to pull out what little is left of his hair) "Ah, yes. The weather. It is of atmospheric origin, consisting of moisture, air, and the movements of both moisture and air." (director grabs nearest phaser and points it at his head) "Such dramatics. Absolutely uncalled for. Human weather reports are among the most uninteresting I have ever encountered. Surely something of a Vulcan nature would be an improvement. (director grabs chest, and collapses on control room floor) "Humans. If a weather report stresses them out to the point of heart attacks, perhaps they should find another field of endeavor to participate in. Tonight's forecast: dark, with scattered light towards morning. Anything else would be beside the point."
Yes, I suppose it would be. But thank you for your unusually concise prediction, T'Dara. We will break for station identification and commercials. Would someone please revive the director? What? He's dead? Really?
T'Dara: "I will gladly take his position."
That won't be necessary. I believe I will volunteer to take it myself.
T'Dara: "As you wish."
We're back already? What's next? The entertainment report? Are the three Orion entertainment holograms ready? Good, good. Roll 'em!
Orion #1: (making bedroom eyes at the camera) Such entertainment we have for you.
No, no! Not your entertainment. The report, the report!
Orion #1: (sighs languorously) "If I must, I must. J'stin B'ber has yet again been suspended for illegal operation of a shuttle while intoxicated. L'say L'han has also been so suspended. Why? They were together at the time, in the same shuttle. The shuttle has been declared a complete loss and the remains sent to a local scrapyard. Over to you, #2."
Orion #2: "Oh, yes. And such delicious tidbits I have to tell our viewers." She wiggles different parts of her anatomy, sending the camera-Ferengi into ecstasy. "You're much too easy. Our viewers are much more jaded. Or so the jade-throwing stars have told us." (she blows a kiss to the camera) "The awards ceremony on that backward and primitive world Earth will be remembered for centuries. The preplanned wardrobe malfunctions went swimmingly well. And the pool was useful too. Unfortunately I don't recall much more of the ceremony than that. Over to you, #3."
Orion #3: "Oooooo, aren't you a sweet one. Flowers? For me? And they're the kind that Klingons are allergic to. You're much too kind. Oh, yes, my part of the report." (dances slowly about, the camera having no trouble keeping up with her) "The dance competition was almost exciting. It didn't have much going for it until the Orion contestants took the floor and never gave it back. In fact, they were charged with propertynapping the following morning. The floor was returned ... reluctantly. The damage to it was ... unfortunate, but understandable. Stilletto heels made of armor-piercing steel weren't made for such weak floor materials. Do use something stronger next time, won't you?" (the three Orions come together, arms wrapped about one another) "And that's the entertainment report for tonight. Do come back tomorrow, and we may have something just as decadently disgraceful to show you. In the report, of course." (she smiles at the camera and waves her fingers)
(mopping his brow while getting his breath back) All right. Anything else that I've completely forgotten about by now?
TSNN is sorry to interupt your regularly schedulded game ....no were not but it sounded nice
With urgent breaking news
There was an "Accident " at the romulan flotilla and dry cleaning service as one of the dryers has exploded causing untold damage to many officers uniforms.
Leaving many romulan officers out of uniform as they await their replacement uniforms......and im not wearing any pants!!
*Stands up as people snicker and start laughing is wearing power ranger boxers*
A dryer exploded in the laundry facilities of the Flotilla, destroying most of the standard uniforms used by our fine officers. However, the damage has been mitigated thanks to Romulan Republic's alliance to both the Federation and the Klingon Empire.
Ah, the Quartermaster has arrived.
Voltar: "So these uniform designs just came in today?"
Quartermaster: "Yes. They are very new designs I might add, designed specifically for Romulan Republic allies for each side. Our replicators are working at full capacity to replace all of the damaged Romulan Republic uniforms with these newest designs which seem to be a trend with the newly recruited Republic captains. Oh... and might I add something?"
Voltar: "Of course."
Quartermaster: "Security reported seeing an individual running around without any pants and exposing some questionable underwear choises. I'd like for him to report here immediately before he's arrested for indecent exposure and other questionable activities. I shall return to my duties now."
There you have it, folks. This is reporter Vultran Leonis of the Romulan Repubic Extranet, signing off!
"Hah! You are doomed! You're only armed with that pathetic excuse for a musical instrument!!!" *the Savage Beast moments before Lonnehart the Bard used music to soothe him... then beat him to death with his Fat Lute*
(commentator) "Quark and his ex-wife Grizzelda have managed most of the typical slippery holds, but apparently a fight has broken out in the Klingon section of the live audience. Over to you, Y'lar."
Y'lar: "Yes, apparently there was some mudslinging between the Klingons and the Ferengi audience members, and then one Klingon mentioned to another that his mother wore tribble-furred KDF boots. Tempers soared, as did bat'leths. The blood is boiling, and not just in the glasses of bloodwine. House How'dar'u seems to be gaining ground against House T'hoght'so, but around the left flank comes House G'otch'a, but no, half of them were illegally tripped above the belt by House Ya'we'shud. There is a red flag down. No, that's the corpse of the referee. It seems that there is a four-way tie. How is the mudwrestling going, by the way?"
(commentator) "Not terribly interesting. The romance is heating up and the mud smells awful. A bath has been recommended and the recommendation ignored. The two antagonists have just signed a truce, and are now watching the fighting in the audience, while enjoying their drinks. Morn, in disgust, has left his chair, and gone to find another just a few feet away. The previous chair is still in withdrawal. Rom, however, is still taking bets on which Klingon house will be the winner. Have you made your bet yet, Y'lar?"
Y'lar: "Indeed I have. I believe that House G'otch'a will be the winners as they have the fewest casualties and injuries and the most rule infractions." (looks at the screen with the ongoing audience battle results scrolling down it) "What? House T'hoght'so won? Why, I ought to --"
(commentator) "Y'lar? Y'lar? He's attacking the referee who chose the winning house. Out of boredom, the audience has exploded in violence, and this time the Andorian section has joined in. This looks to be an ongoing situation. We will bring you updates as the situation progresses. Back to you in the studio."
Yes, I believe this is the first ever case of a 'knick-knack patty whack'.
(mudwrestling commentator) "There has just been an update. The fighting in the audience has ceased due to a truce being signed and ratified by the Klingon and Andorian factions. The Ferengi have refused to sign, much less ratify, this truce, and they are lobbing GPLs at the Klingons and Andorians. (On a side note, Morn has fallen asleep.) Yes, I do believe that the Romulans have finally entered the fray, due to a fraudulent hologram "proving" that Cardassians are much more handsome and beautiful than Romulans are. The Romulans are attacking the Cardassians on all five fronts (left, right, front, back, and top; the bottom being occupied by the Bajorans who are mercilessly tickling the Cardassians with red-hot cattle prods). The Orion dancing girls are cheering all the fighters on. Rom has just stated that the betting has been closed, and now all we have to do is wait for the results to come in. This could be a lengthy process. Back to you in the studio."
John Cleese: "And now for something complete different." (gets up and does the "silly walk" around the studio)