The Empty Shell

bortjinx · January 2013

I've been writing a story about my character background. It started off as a bio, and now has approaching 20 chapters, and is still nowhere near done.

A few days ago, I finally got round to working out how to use the foundry, and thought it could be a great tool for buiding missions of plot points in my story.

Anyways, I have my first mission done, and would appreciate feedback. I'll be creating more as I go, and will number them in future.

Name: The Empty Shell Shuttle Incident
Author: @bort1980

If anyone is interested in reading my story, please PM me, I'll happily provide the link

bortjinx · January 2013

So, after a few days, my mission has 5 ratings. 3 5s, a 4, and a 1. (2 of the 5s and the 4 came from fleet members, so I don't think they really count).

While I appreciate people playing my mission, I would hope that if someone was going to give it a 1-star rating, they might explain why they gave it that rating. Constructive criticism is better than just giving bad reviews. A 1-star rating tells us nothing apart from someone didn't like it. Why they didn't like it would be much more useful.

zorbane · January 2013

Welcome to the Foundry =/

ascaladar · January 2013

I liked the mission so far but you might consider changing a few things: Instead of having the officers use the word "stuff" I would recommend choosing a different word.

Also Borg do not develop technology, they only assimilate, so a few changes in the mission description would be nice.

bortjinx · January 2013

Thanks for the feedback Ascaladar, and thanks for the weclome Zorbane

Oh, and Ascaladar, thanks for the tip. It was my first one

I see what you mean about the word 'stuff', I'll look into that tonight, and also see if I can make what the Borg are up to make more sense.

evil70th · January 2013

bortjinx wrote: »

Mission Name: The Empty Shell Shuttle Incident
Author: @bort1980
Minimum Level: 41+
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: not too sure - Not in-game at present so I can't check.
Estimated Mission Length: 20-30 mins.
Method of Report Delivery: In game mail to Jinx@bort1980 please.

This is my first Foundry mission, and I'd like to get some feedback on it. It is kind of a story mission that ties in with the character background I'm writing for my main STO character (she appears in the mission as Lieutenant Kaylan Jinx).

Federation Mission - The Empty Shell Shuttle Incident
Author: bort1980
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HEB223KPR

Report Start

Summary: This is a great mission, especially for your first one. The mission is about 45 to 60 minutes when you factor in the battles, but it was enjoyable enough with a balance of action and dialogue that I hardly noticed. The map designs are great, the story dialogue is very well written, and the battles are tough, but not impossible. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors throughout your mission, which demonstrates a good attention to detail. While I would not recommend this mission on Elite, due to the tough nature of the battles, I would highly recommend it on Normal level to all players.

Well I have not had to mention the use of the response button "Continue" in a very long time.

The response button "Continue" is the default response when a button is left blank for dialogue. I noted "Continue" was used for dialogue throughout the mission. There are some places in the dialogue where "Continue" will work but many times it just does not fit, particularly when the "Player" is receiving reports from a BOFF. It can sometimes be difficult finding the appropriate response, but to me it helps make the player feel like they are part of the story rather than just reading dialog.

I mentioned your use of the word "Interact" for accessing consoles on a couple of the maps below. The word "Interact" is the default response in the Foundry for objects the player can interact with. Consider changing it to "Access console" or something along those lines. The default response as in the use of "Continue" above is a little lazy.

Yes I know, in both cases the folks who design Cryptic missions do the same thing, and it annoys me there too, but I cannot really do anything about that. Maybe the writers will read these reports one of these days and start changing their missions too.

Below are a couple of things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.

Mission Description: The description is good but might need a little more story to help draw the player in. Your goal is to make them want to click the "Hail" button. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this description.

Grant Mission Dialogue: This is a good grant dialogue but may need a little more story to it. As with the description your goal is to draw the player in and make them want to click the "Accept" button. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue.

Mission Task: Consider adding the start location of the first custom map to the initial task.

Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this prompt.

MAPS:
Honod 4 Space: This is a good map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The initial map entry; consider adding a short dialogue from the Science BOFF indicated the arrival of the ship and the location of the U.S.S. Trebuchet.
-The use of the response button "Continue". From this point forward I will note the maps it is used on and explain it in the summary.

U.S.S. Trebuchet, Bridge: This is a nice map design with well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-Consider adding additional crew to the bridge working at the other stations. It looks odd for the bridge to have only two people working on it.
-The use of the response button "Continue".

Honod 4 Ground: This is a great map design with tough but not impossible battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-The use of "Interact" for accessing consoles. From this point forward I will note the maps it is used on and explain it in the summary.

Borg Complex: This is a great map design with tough but not impossible battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-The use of "Interact" for accessing consoles.

Honod 4 Space 2: This is a goodt map design with tough but not impossible battles and well written story dialogue. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialogue. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".

End Report

Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job with the development of the story and the overall creation of this mission. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian

This critique report also filed 01/20/2013 on forum posting for: In depth mission reports upon request.

bortjinx · January 2013

Brilliant. Thanks for the review Brian. I'll take a look at it and see about some of those 'Continues'

evil70th · January 2013

bortjinx wrote: »

Brilliant. Thanks for the review Brian. I'll take a look at it and see about some of those 'Continues'

Glad to help, and I really enjoyed the mission.

Thanks for authoring,
Brian

bortjinx · January 2013

I've made a few changes as people have recommended, and I think it will help.

Thanks again guys.

The Empty Shell

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