Make fun of your favorite starships!

lonnehart · August 2012

I bet no one's ever thought to make fun of the ships in this game.

And wow... I'm making a thread just to say...

Captain: Alright, Starfleet! Time to form Prometheus!!!

*the three ships go into formation*

Captain: Form nacelles and pylons!

Captain: Form the hull and deflector!

Captain: And I'll form the Saucer Section!!!

Prometheus crew: Go Prometheu... *BOOM!*

Bortasq' Ship First Officer: Target destroyed.

Bortasq' Captain: Good. Line up the next target!

carmenara · August 2012

1.

The Borg assimilated a copy of Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers.

Next time on ISE, look out for the tactical fusion cube when you attack the first group of enemies.

If you look carefully into one of the windows of the Tactical Cube look out for some silly rainbow coloured drones in motorcycle suits doing various kung fu moves, followed by the 'Deploy Megazord!' command where 7 other Tactical Cubes will transwarp in and join together to form the TFC

2.

The Borg assimilated a hello kitty plush toy deliberately left behind on Cure Ground Elite.

They thought it's a Federation secret weapon so they assimilate it, since the topic of hello kittys are roughly similar to all the other wierd Federation media they have downloaded from assimilated ships' hard drives like Transformers, Gundams, cute anime girls, the Klingon version of Ganguro Girls, etc.

Next time some MACO operatives entered the CGE map they found not a single Borg drone in sight, and Armek was dressed in pink, had adorable bunny ears and devoid of weapons. Armek played with the Fed troopers and made friends and Vorn System became a resort world happily ever after.

From then on that map is named Cute Ground Elite.

3.

When a Galaxy R separates the battle section, the saucer is renamed into a Starfleet Saucer.

Does that mean that there's a Starfleet Teacup too? If so I want one.

Next time in the C-store, look out for the Captain Picard Complete Tea Set, which includes the saucer section, teacup section, teaspoon module and the all-important sugar box console.

This gives you not only the ability to Multi-Vector Tea N' Cupcakes ** assault the enemy, but you can do it in Olde English style too.

** Player with Deanna Troi's Betazed Cake Set required. Cake Set not included in purchase.

raj011 · August 2012

The sovereign class has no neck, the galaxy class's saucer is an egg, the excelsior has a gut, the TOS Ent does not look cool enough. The defiant is a box with wings, the ambassador class is the offspring of the constitution class and an excelsior class. If the intrepid flaps its nacelles hard enough it will go to warp. lol

lonnehart · August 2012

carmenara wrote: »

2.

The Borg assimilated a hello kitty plush toy deliberately left behind on Cure Ground Elite.

They thought it's a Federation secret weapon so they assimilate it, since the topic of hello kittys are roughly similar to all the other wierd Federation media they have downloaded from assimilated ships' hard drives like Transformers, Gundams, cute anime girls, the Klingon version of Ganguro Girls, etc.

Next time some MACO operatives entered the CGE map they found not a single Borg drone in sight, and Armek was dressed in pink, had adorable bunny ears and devoid of weapons. Armek played with the Fed troopers and made friends and Vorn System became a resort world happily ever after.

From then on that map is named Cute Ground Elite.

This part made me cringe with fear...

captwinters1701 · August 2012

Sometimes when piloting my Atrox carrier I imagine the conversation is a bit like this

Helm: Captain! Enemy ships preparing to fire from behind us!

Captain: Helm, Turn Hard to Port and engage the enemy... I'll be in my ready room, let me know after my nap when we complete the turn

Hel: Aye Aye Captain!

lonnehart · August 2012

raj011 wrote: »

If the intrepid flaps its nacelles hard enough it will go to warp. lol

So if an Intrepid class ship flaps its nacelles too hard it'll end up the way Voyager did?

:eek:

phil13126 · August 2012

I just want to know why my Connie refit doesn't have the fun technicolor Disco theme when I go to warp...

Also, in my ships, I noticed that the ceiling is TOO DAMN HIGH! (

BTW, All I can think of after reading about Cute Ground is watching 12 Hello Kitty Borg transporting behind me... I'm going to have to keep turning around next time I play that...

"HOLY S***! Is that Hello Kitty?!?"

"Oh, no... it's just a dozen elite tactical drones, I need to re-modulate, my seeker drone died and my Orbital Strike is still recharging for another minute and a half."

"Oh, I thought we had a problem there for a minute."

d3cubed · August 2012

Jem'Hadar Ship Captain: Open Fire!

Weapons Officer: Target destroyed, sir!

Captain: Really? That easily?

Weapons Officer: Well this ship has the best base stats of any escort in the game.

Captain: But it's 20 years old! And even MODERN dominion ships of this type are not much stronger than our Frigates!

Engineering Officer: Maybe they retrofitted it?

Ship Counselor: Guys, this is Cryptic we're talking about. Just go with it.

Captain: ...Guess I don't have a choice...

Navigation Officer: Oooh, Captain look! A Lock Box just inexplicably fell out of that destroyed ship!

Captain: Full speed ahead! Janitor, can you lend me your master keys?

mimey2 · August 2012

D'kora Captain: *in Clint Eastwood's voice, talking to the weakened enemy while his ship is in defensive mode* I know what you're thinking, did I fire six torpedoes, or only five? To tell you the truth, in all this excitement, I kind of lost track myself. I'm using Tricobalt Torpedoes, the most powerful torpedoes in the quadrant, and it'd blow your ship clean apart.

Now...you gotta ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky?

*the D'kora shifts into battle mode* Well...do ya, punk?

aesica · August 2012

The best part about the Atrox Carrier is the giant sandbox in the commons area on the crew deck. Both kids and my Caitian officers love it!

carmenara · August 2012

My favourite KDF ship to date is the Hegh'ta heavy bird of prey. Not only is it free, it kicks major butt and is the only (redneck engineered) science vessel with DHCs out there.

This bird of prey is also really angry and loves crapping on its archenemy the Fed Pigs. Despite complaints to the local authorities, cruisers are routinely found with thousands of bird craps on them every morning.

Thus named IKS Iratus Avis (latin for angry bird), my angry bird of prey is a rather capable warship as it is annoying crapping all over the Fed'Pigs' cruisers.

The official mascot of the Angry Bird's crew is a huge green angry bird pillow which is unceremonially stuck onto the front end of a B'Rel Retrofit BoP creating a rather accurate visage of the Angry Bird of Prey.

Now for a demonstration of this huge nasty bird visiting your shipyard and 'doing its usual business' perhaps you'd like to watch this Hegh'ta PvP video but mute the sound and play this theme song in its place.

Then you will see that Angry Birds is really not that dissimilar to STO

Disclaimer:

I have not actually tried putting the angry birds sountrack over an STO video. I have no idea wtf will happen or if your computer would combust spontaneously.

Ps. The threat of angry bird attack is so dire that scientists at the Smart Research Institute at the Mercedes star system had crafted a writeup (with graphics) to illustrate how many BoP craps it takes to damage a Federation cruiser, albeit a small one.

lonnehart · August 2012

I'd hate to be the captain the Oddyseys, the retrofit Galaxy class variants, and the Advanced Prometheus type starships. Why? Because they tend to go to pieces when combat starts... Either their saucer sections come off or the whole ship comes apart... :cool:

carmenara · August 2012

lonnehart wrote: »

I'd hate to be the captain the Oddyseys, the retrofit Galaxy class variants, and the Advanced Prometheus type starships. Why? Because they tend to go to pieces when combat starts... Either their saucer sections come off or the whole ship comes apart... :cool:

Captain: This is the captain speaking, in a few minutes we will enter glorious battle... and disintegrate.

Passenger: But I don't wanna disintegrate!

Source:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G1IMM5XOwaM

jg2112 · August 2012

(On pretty much any ship)

Captain: Tactical! We've only got one shot at this to destroy the Borg ship! Release the metreon gas from our nacelles!

Tactical: Sorry, captain, we can't do that.

Captain: Let me see this (looks at his control console, and the command is on there)

Captain: Look, See?! We can open our bussard collectors and vent it out. It's our only chance!

Tactical: Sorry captain, but we don't have the console, all we can d---

BOOM!!!

lonnehart · August 2012

So... how many players undock from a station, look at the Galaxy Class vessel they're controlling, and then ask everyone around them...

"Does this ship make me look fat?"

reallydumbpwe · August 2012

Admiral: "Well lookit that... looks like a pregnant guppy sucking on a pie tin"

Ensign: "Umm, Admiral? That's your new Excelsior"

carmenara · August 2012

"For the last time... My Defiant is NOT SMALL"

^ Overheard on zone chat.

jexsamx · August 2012

My Odyssey is such a TRIBBLE. She takes her top off for the littlest things and next thing you know she's out there FAWking two or three targets at once!

mimey2 · August 2012

Bortas comm officer: Captain, Starfleet Miranda-class Frigate is on sensors. We have blocked long-range communications.

Bortas captain: Good, prepare to fire.

Bortas tactical officer: Sir, the enemy ship is firing it's phasers, they are not even denting our shields! They have launched a photon torpedo. It's hitting our shields, now.

Bortas medical officer: Captain, we're receiving casualty reports from all over the ship! At least 300 dead bekks, and many more injured!

Bortas captain: What new Starfleet trick is this?! Prepare the Disruptor Autocannon, all weapons, FIRE!

*Bortas unloads it's entire payload of weaponry onto the Miranda, which is destroyed in moments*

Bortas tactical officer: Ship destroyed, Captain.

Bortas captain: Good.

carmenara · August 2012

LOL @ torpedo casualties.

The fault lies with Cryptic programming the torpedoes to do something like -50% or -20% crew damage per hit according to the game stats.

Probably never bothered to rebalance the stats to take into account the current year's giant flagships, carriers, etc.... and the fact that these giant ships should in the first place have superior inertial damping and emergency forcefields built as standard.

mimey2 · August 2012

carmenara wrote: »

LOL @ torpedo casualties.

The fault lies with Cryptic programming the torpedoes to do something like -50% or -20% crew damage per hit according to the game stats.

Probably never bothered to rebalance the stats to take into account the current year's giant flagships, carriers, etc.... and the fact that these giant ships should in the first place have superior inertial damping and emergency forcefields built as standard.

Indeed on that. When I keep getting plastered by waves of fighters in PvP, all who are unloading torpedoes CONSTANTLY, they shouldn't be instantly injuring/killing my crew. Now on a small ship I could go with it, but a huge ship, not so much. Hence why I made that little skit there.

Oh yes, speaking of that...

Multi-vector escorts all have split-personality disorder. :P

lonnehart · August 2012

reyan01 wrote: »

Olympic Class Captain:

Captain's Log, supplimental: Following an encounter with Q I have decided to put in a request for a new ship. Being chased by an omnipitent being with a giant golf-club is an experience that no Starfleet club should have to face.

Thank you. Now I have coffee all over my monitor...

icegavel · August 2012

Ops Officer: Sir, a squadron of Orion corvettes on sensors, bearing oh-three-six mark two-zero. They seem to be minding their own business.
Captain: Destroy them.
Ops: Sir, they're not attacking us, they're not even moving to intercept.
Cap: Do it anyway.
Ops: Can we at least disable them?
Cap: Nope. I want loot. Kill them.

LOOT

Ops: Sir, a fleet of Borg cubes is approaching, estimated 64 vessels!
Captain: RUUUUN!
Ops: Sir, another contact... it's a giant humanoid, but it's all... blocky. It's swinging it's arm at the cubes... they're exploding!
Captain: Our lucky day!
Ops: I wouldn't be so sure... the fleet is gone, but I'm reading the contact approaching us... THE CUBES ARE REAPPEARING! We're being encased!

When STO meets Minecraft

Captain's log, stardate 90001.99. 33 centimeters long. Left in the hallway. I've requested a transfer to another ship... Having the bridge in the saucer and the only bathroom on the drive section is a real pain on this Oberth-class, since there's not even a lift down. I just wish the transporters weren't under maintenance at the time...

Oberth-class Captain's Log.

mimey2 · August 2012

Any and every Odyssey and Bortas captain ever: *running like mad from one end of their ship to the other to get to the bridge*

Officer: Captain on the bridge!

Captain: *panting, leaning against a console* The ship is too big. If I'd walked, the mission would be over.

aesica · August 2012

mimey2 wrote: »

Bortas comm officer: Captain, Starfleet Miranda-class Frigate is on sensors. We have blocked long-range communications.

Bortas captain: Good, prepare to fire.

Bortas tactical officer: Sir, the enemy ship is firing it's phasers, they are not even denting our shields! They have launched a photon torpedo. It's hitting our shields, now.

Bortas medical officer: Captain, we're receiving casualty reports from all over the ship! At least 300 dead bekks, and many more injured!

Bortas captain: What new Starfleet trick is this?! Prepare the Disruptor Autocannon, all weapons, FIRE!

*Bortas unloads it's entire payload of weaponry onto the Miranda, which is destroyed in moments*

Bortas tactical officer: Ship destroyed, Captain.

Bortas captain: Good.

You forgot the best part of that!

Bortas medical officer: (after combat is over) Just kidding captain, the dead are slowly coming back to life, one by one. We'll have a full crew compliment again in about 10 more seconds.

lilchibiclari · August 2012

You know, I never thought of the crew as actually deceased from the torpedo hits, just K.O'd or otherwise too disabled to perform any duties, while the yellow "injured" crew can still perform reduced duties.

icegavel · August 2012

lilchibiclari wrote: »

You know, I never thought of the crew as actually deceased from the torpedo hits, just K.O'd or otherwise too disabled to perform any duties, while the yellow "injured" crew can still perform reduced duties.

Maybe they are... I can imagine a torpedo hitting and spawning Scorpion, and he just rips off his mask and spits fire on your Redshirts, and then the others just hear "FATALITY!"

amurorx0 · August 2012

Maco Armitage vessel:

Helm: "Captain, we're approaching engagement range."

Captain: "Full power to the shiny! Launch the fighters!"

Ops: "The fighters are being destroyed too quickly!"

Captain: "FIRE EVERYTHING!! Load the redshirts into the airlock if you have to! Hard to port!"

Helm: "I can't! The fat *alarm blares* turns too slow!"

Captain: "Oh sh-"

No more armitage xD

lonnehart · August 2012

So... how many captains of Sovereign class cruisers have found that their crews have been becoming more... mindless and more zombie-like? And that you're slowly thinking the way your ship wants you to?

*heh... poor attempt at a Mass Effect joke*

Make fun of your favorite starships!

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