"OK, so now we're flying around the ship again, but this time all the lights are turning on."
"It's 82AU in size!"
"What? That's the size of the ENTIRE SOLAR SYSTEM! How did we not spot something the size of a supergiant star moving towards us before now?"
"TRIBBLE! I, uh, meant 2 AU, not 82. I'll fix it in the directors cut."
"You are the only ship in position to intercept the object"
"Wait, so Earth, the capital of the Federation, has zero ships for defense except this one that's in refit? It's technically completely undefended? And there are no other ships between here and the Klingon border at ALL? Do we even HAVE any other ships? How did this happen?"
"OK, you are on the Rec Deck to address the crew, which is a huge open space in the middle of the ship that spans the entire width of the secondary hull with giant windows on both sides. It's sparsely furnished with sectional furniture. The crew has gathered, most in the new Starfleet uniforms but some inexplicably are dressed in Native American headwear and warpaint - not the authentic stuff, more like the stuff seen in movies and TV in the 1960s."
"12th power energy readings...."
"What the TRIBBLE is 12th power? 1/12th? 10x10^12? Of what? Come on, make SENSE, Spock!"
"You take a space suit with a disposable rocket boost pack and leave the ship. You will need the pack to propel yourself through the conveniently open iris and deeper into the ship".
"Wait, so if it's a one-time use pack, how am I going to get back? Wouldn't it be more practical to take a shuttle or one of those tiny WorkBees?"
"Spock, having miraculously drifted back across all that distance and still made it through the conveniently open iris, is apparently unconscious. Do you send a rescue team to retrieve him?"
"No, I will do it myself, alone in a space suit. The ship doesn't need its captain to be on the bridge during this critical event. One man who has been sitting behind a desk for a few years is just as good as trained rescue personnel. Honestly, I'm just afraid they will send that fake Indian guy, I am really suspicious that he's not really supposed to be here"
"You have defeated V'Ger and are back in Earth orbit. What do you do?"
"I demand the government surrender and accept myself as Emperor of the Federation or I will begin bombarding cities."
"You can't defeat Earth with one ship!"
"Why not? We are the only ship within a hundred light years, and we are the most technologically advanced ship in the fleet, capable of withstanding attacks that vaporize Klingon battlecruisers in one hit! Who can stop us?"
"It's not my fault the Federation screwed up this bad. I plan to fix that during my reign as Emperor."
"OK. You turn to see the fake Indians pointing phasers at you, ordering you to stand down and announcing themselves to be Starfleet Intelligence"
"I knew it!"