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Things Captain Ratika is Not Allowed to Do

SystemSystem Member, NoReporting Posts: 178,019 Arc User
edited March 2012 in Ten Forward
Note: Yes this idea is shamelessly ripped off from "Things Mr. Welch is No Longer Allowed to Do". I admit it.

Sometimes, giving an untested Ensign control of a starship isn't a good idea. Captain Ratika Souju, Bajoran Engineer, proves why.

1) Strip Mining is a violation of the Prime Directive, no matter where I decide to do it.
2) Bolians are not toys.
3) Despite claims to the contrary, "Shoot First, Ask Questions Later" is not a viable diplomatic attitude.
4) I am no longer allowed into the same room as any Klingon diplomat, ever.
5) Not every Trill is joined, and even the ones who are don't necessarily like being called "Old Man".
6) I am not allowed to seduce the sons or daughters of any dignitary, leader, diplomat, ambassador, or other VIP that is currently being negotiated with by any party.
7) I am not allowed to distribute pamphlets promoting the Bajoran religion, since I do not practice it myself.
8) A "warm rock to lie on" is not considered a proper bribe for Cardassian or Gorn officials.
9) I am not allowed to bribe Cardassion or Gorn officials.
10) I am not allowed to dress my entire crew in red shirts and call them such.
11) 19th Century French commodore's hats are explicitly forbidden on any bridge I serve on.
12) I am not allowed to "tweak" the universal translators for any reason.
13) Starfleet Academy is not a viable landing zone.
14) Not every Orion is interested in pleasures of the flesh, especially not ones at the negotiating table.
15) Trill symbionts are not kosher.
16) The airlocks are not viable quarters.
17) The deflector dish is not a tanning bed.
18) I am no longer allowed to load any holodeck program involving the following figures: Professor Moriarty, Genghis Khan, Adolf Hitler, Josef Stalin, David Duchovny, Cher, Napoleon Bonaparte, Julius Caesar, Martin Luther, or any of the 1983 Denver Broncos.
19) I am not allowed to have holoemitters on the bridge or in my quarters.
20) I am not allowed to blame anything on my Mirror Universe duplicate. Mirror!Ratika was assimilated by the Borg, and thus would have no business stealing my crewmates' socks.
21) I am not allowed to use the transporter to move around my ship.
22) Phasers are not bug zappers.
23) I am not allowed to order my crew to strip naked whenever dealing with Ferengi dignitaries, even if it is considered proper for the women in Ferengi society to do so.
24) Breen are not snowmen.
25) I am not allowed to trade the names and addresses of Admirals for anything.
26) Caitians are not to be bribed with yarn.
27) Bat'leths are not backscratchers.
28) "Make the Vulcan Laugh" is not a productive use of mine or anyone's time.
29) Romulans take offense to being called "Evil Vulcans".
30) Ferengi teeth are not bottle openers.
31) I am not allowed to reprogram the replicators for any reason, even if I'm the only one qualified.
32) The Replicator is not a Starbucks.
33) He's not dead, Jim.
34) Vorta do not make good art critics.
35) No one on my crew has been replaced by a changeling, especially me.
36) Self Sealing Stem Bolts are not used for what I think they're used for.
37) Cardassians do not have tails and I am not allowed to check with any part of my body.
38) The warp core is not to be used as a bug zapper.
39) I am not allowed to call Jem'Hadar "Junkies".
40) I am not allowed to say anything about Changelings in the presence of any member of the Dominion.
41) I am not allowed to wear a fake beard in an effort to make things "edgier".
42) Ramming speed is only to be used as a last resort, not a first strike.
Post edited by Unknown User on

Comments

  • Archived PostArchived Post Member Posts: 2,264,498 Arc User
    edited February 2012
    XD Awesome, this made my day.
  • Archived PostArchived Post Member Posts: 2,264,498 Arc User
    edited February 2012
    42) Ramming speed is only to be used as a last resort, not a first strike.

    Unless you're stuck with a team of very small and low powered ships against a huge Borg Unimatrix and the fleet lacks the firepower to do more than poke a small hole in the shields of the monster mothership.

    In which case...

    BANZAI!!! :D
  • Archived PostArchived Post Member Posts: 2,264,498 Arc User
    edited February 2012
    Pure awesome. Made me laugh during a crappy day at work.

    Thanks!
  • Archived PostArchived Post Member Posts: 2,264,498 Arc User
    edited February 2012
    kyuven wrote: »
    Note: Yes this idea is shamelessly ripped off from "Things Mr. Welch is No Longer Allowed to Do". I admit it.

    15) Trill symbionts are not kosher.
    26) Caitians are not to be bribed with yarn.
    42) Ramming speed is only to be used as a last resort, not a first strike.


    HAHAHAHAHA Good ones!

    From the original list:
    21. No longer allowed to recreate the Death Star Trench Run out of genre.

    Oooh I just had an idea for a Foundry mission! :D
  • Archived PostArchived Post Member Posts: 2,264,498 Arc User
    edited February 2012
    26b) or laser pointers
    43) not allowed to talk to Q, I'd give him ideas.
  • Archived PostArchived Post Member Posts: 2,264,498 Arc User
    edited February 2012
    lol very nice.
  • Archived PostArchived Post Member Posts: 2,264,498 Arc User
    edited February 2012
    Ahhhh yes, the old Private Skippy list!

    http://skippyslist.com/list/

    Always good for a laugh! (WARNING! Adult humour!)
  • Archived PostArchived Post Member Posts: 2,264,498 Arc User
    edited February 2012
    44) putting soft toys/pillows on your captain's chair is not a good idea.

    Unless your ship is pink in colour and has cute anime emblems like this example.

    That said, my first login chat line in my RP channel is *arranges victorian pillows on my captain's chair* :D



    And that Skippy site is awesome!
    •“.50 caliber machineguns, M1A1 Abrams tanks, destroyers, Chinese hookers, and small guys named Bob to take care of our vehicles” cannot be purchased on the OPTAR. One must route a special request chit first.
    •All special request chits require a written clarification as to why the item is desired.
    •In order to ensure smooth transition of a special request chit, it is best to advice your chain of command verbally
    before you attempt to order a $47,000 tank.
    •Especially when you are a naval unit.

    *submits Starfleet requisition form for Additional Orion Ladies*
  • Archived PostArchived Post Member Posts: 2,264,498 Arc User
    edited February 2012
    44) If Q ever puts any Bajoran on trial, I am not allowed to represent them or myself.
    45) Escape pods are not missiles.
    46) I am not allowed to ask a Nausican anything about Japanese animated films from the 1980s.
    47) Any situation involving myself and more than two Ferengi requires special permission from Starfleet.
    48) I am not allowed near the Hupyrian homeworld. The reasons must never be spoken of in polite company.
    49) Whenever dealing with Ferengi and/or Bajorans, I am required to clarify whether I refer to "profits" or "Prophets" each time I mention the word.
    50) Starfleet cadets are not to be subjected to Spartan or Klingon training, even if I feel they "deserve to be taken down a peg".
    51) I am no longer allowed to perform weddings for Klingons.
    52) Changing the name of my ship does not absolve it of any assignments, commendations, or demerits issued to it.
    53) I am no longer allowed to name my ships after internet memes.
    54) Dumping a cargo hold full of tribbles on a planet is not allowed for any reason.
    55) I am no longer allowed to hold tribbles up to Klingons and shout "THE POWER OF TRIBBLE COMPELS YOU!"
    56) Tribbles are not torpedos, even if they are more efficient to produce.
    57) I am no longer allowed to make jokes pertaining to the bathroom and my daily Captain's Log entries.
    58) I have never been shot in the knee.
    59) I am no longer allowed on planet Risa unless it explicitly ordered to do so for Starfleet business.
    60) I am no longer allowed to consider any form of sport that involves the Borg.
    61) Just because I add the name of a planet before the name of a food, doesn't necessarily mean it exists.
    62) Starfleet issue phasers are not to be used for cooking s'mores.
    63) I am not a pirate, and thus flying the Jolly Roger is in bad taste.
    64) My ship does not have planks.
    65) I am not allowed to hide behind my chair when an Admiral calls me.
  • Archived PostArchived Post Member Posts: 2,264,498 Arc User
    edited February 2012
    45) Escape pods are not missiles.

    66) Manned assault shuttles are not to be used as point defence missiles against Romulan plasma torpedoes
    67) I will not outfit my Odyssey with rainbow-coloured beam weapons
    68) I will not enter a PUG CE mission with my tier 1 ship and order people to read STOwiki
    69) Even if they've been wasting 18 hours of their time and they need proper tactics
    70) I will not visit a Federation sector with my KDF captain and order all the junior Starfleet commanders to engage ramming speed against the Borg Unimatrix mothership.
    71) I will not give the above order even if all 10 other Federation ships are severely underpowered and are struggling to destroy even single Borg cubes
    72) I will not tell people I'm a RL womens' rights activist on zone chat
    73) I will not start a 'insert the word Tribble into a movie name' discussion on DS9 zone chat
    74) I will not start a 'redneck naming convention' for starships on DS9
    75) I will not act like a prissy little (insert expletive here) and declare that conflict is inevitable if Klingons and Humans are together on the same station... in the middle of a STORP diplomatic meeting
    76) Snapping screenshots of your friend's cute character in a compromising position amid a raging away team battle on max difficulty is prohibited
    77) Hitting on Cdr. Andrews while doing in-game fraps recording of "2800: Second Wave" is a bad idea
    78) Do not post items on the Exchange without first reviewing the price you typed with a matte black keyboard in the middle of the night
    79) A heavy cruiser loaded to the gills with cannons, dual beam banks and RCS accelerator consoles is not called a 'heavy escort'
  • Archived PostArchived Post Member Posts: 2,264,498 Arc User
    edited February 2012
    80) I am no longer allowed to insist on proper Klingon pronunciations of food.
    81) Ensign Tallulah does not do the Hula with Tulaberries.
    82) Just because I can speak Klingon, doesn't mean I should.
    83) "Get out and push" is not something that should be taken literally.
    84) My First Officer is not my First Lady. This is especially true if my First Officer is male.
    85) I am no longer allowed to practice the Vulcan neck pinch on anything that can be considered alive.
    86) Changelings are not pudding.
    87) I will no longer give children phasers on Bring Your Child to Work Day.
    88) The following people are off-limits for me to meet during time travel for any reason: Isaac Asimov, Philip K. TRIBBLE, J.R.R. Tolkien, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Oprah Winfrey.
    89) "I'm from Mars" is not a good cover story for time travel on Earth before the 22nd Century.
    90) The comm channels are for communication only, I cannot play sea chanties over them.
    91) Just because a species has two an internal organ, does not mean they have an "extra".
    92) "Kirk" is not a viable replacement for expletives.
    93) I am not allowed to spread rumors about Admiral Janeway and that bag of coffee beans.
    94) I am not allowed to test the viability of newly discovered lifeforms by engaging them in ritual combat.
    95) I am not allowed to pimp out my runabout with rims and hydraulics, as it does not have wheels.
    96) Bicycles are forbidden outside the holodeck.
    97) I am forbidden from shouting "PEW PEW!" whenever I fire my weapons.
    98) I am not Spock.
    99) I am no longer allowed to say "Dammit Jim, I'm a(n) x, not a(n) x!" The joke ran its course.
    100) "Row Row Your Boat" is expressly forbidden on the bridge.
    101) "Kirk/Picard/Sisko/Janeway did it!" is not an excuse.
    102) Not every problem can be solved by reversing the polarity, and I should stop suggesting it as the first solution to everything.
    103) I am not supposed to be disappointed when the transporters don't malfunction.
    104) I am no longer allowed to name newly discovered species.
    105) Challenging species that have just developed Warp Drive to a race is considered in bad taste.
    106) If I am challenged to a test of endurance such as climbing a mountain or a race, using the transporter is considered cheating.
    107) In territorial disputes, I am not allowed to make a new border with my ship's phasers.
    108) "Breen" is a species, not a color.
    109) "Undine Undies" is not a thing.
    110) I am not allowed to call Undine "flashers".
    111) I will not make bird noises when dealing with Klingon or Romulan Birds-of-Prey.
    112) Borg nanoprobes cannot be used to make mp3 players.
    113) My first question when meeting a new species is not to be about "recreational procreation practices".
    114) First Contact is when I meet a new species, not when I give them a contact lens.
    115) I will never be able to find hot dogs in the Vendor System and will stop asking.
  • Archived PostArchived Post Member Posts: 2,264,498 Arc User
    edited February 2012
    116). 'WWJD' ('What Would James T. Kirk Do?') is not a valid answer to any question.
    117.) A bottle of Turtle Wax is not an acceptable gift for Jean Luc Picard.
    118). The tribble is not an acceptable substitute for turkey on Thanksgiving Day dinner.
    119). I may not trade my phaser rifle for the following items: Fire Crystals, Intoxicating or Hallucinogenic Substances, Klingon Disruptors (not even at 25 to 1), cargo vessels, shuttlecraft, cardboard cutouts of shuttlecraft, positronic brains (or any brains of any kind, in any state), the complete 'Vulcan Love Slave' series (even if signed by the actress), Ketracel White, Ferengi butlers, field artillery pieces, Trilithium Resin or Bio-memetic Gel.
    120). Bynars cannot be networked together, nor should we attempt to do so.
    121). I may not serve targ 'Klingon Style' at the ship's mess hall.
    122). Nor may I scream 'Affirmative Action' or ask my 'Klingon Brothers' to rise up when somebody tries to stop me from serving targ 'Klingon Style'.
    123). I may not start a rave inside Admiral Quinn's office...
    124). ...especially when Admiral Quinn is in the office at the time.
    125). I am not allowed to call Orion women in Starfleet Service by the following names: Drag Queen, Mail Order Bride, Little Lady, Moles, Mata Hari, Waitress, Baby, Honey, Sweetie, Love Puppet, or any combination of the above.
    126). I will never, ever accuse escort captains of having a 'glass jaw'.
    127). Nor will I nickname any science officer 'medkit'.
    128). Letheans do not look like the California Raisins, nor should I imply as such.
    129). I will not say the following words in cadence: Hentai, Sloppy Targ, Warp Core Breach, Moist, Inevitable Death, Redshirt, Lick, Colonist's Daughter, Funny Growth, In a Fiery Plume, and the now infamous 'Wet Mugato'.
    130). Goosestepping in front of a squad of Mirror Universe officers is strictly forbidden.
    131). It does not matter how important it is, but I must never accept food, drink or drugs from an alien species, under the guise of 'some sort of ritual'.
    132). I may not be allowed to show the Horga'hn in the following places: My captain's chair, captains' ready room, captain's quarters, engineering, at a staff meeting, holographically projected forty feet tall on Academy grounds, during disciplinary hearings or while vacationing on Risa (also known locally as 'Ratika's Law').
    133). 'For medicinal purposes' is not a blanket excuse for circumventing controlled substance laws.
  • Archived PostArchived Post Member Posts: 2,264,498 Arc User
    edited February 2012
    134) "Here we go again!" is not the proper opening statement for a court martial hearing.
    135) I am not allowed to take a joined Trill on a time traveling mission the involves visiting the Trill homeworld.
    136) Klingon foreheads are not cheese graters.
    137) The E in "EMH" means "Emergency", and should be treated as such. He's a doctor, not a night light.
    138) I am not allowed to transfer control of the ship to Engineering "just to mix things up" or "for funzies".
    139) Trying to cook marshmallows on the nacelles is always a bad idea. Yes, even then.
    140) Asking Borg to "take me to your leader" will not trigger a logic bomb, and I shouldn't even try.
    141) I am not allowed to make alliterative puns involving Romulans and/or Remans.
    142) Ferengi are not a "poor man's Klingon".
    143) Bolians are not expendable.
    144) Just because a Bolian is blue, doesn't mean he's a Science Officer.
    145) Bajorans are not Space Muslims. Both Bajorans and real Muslims consider that an insult and I should stop mentioning it.
    146) Orions do not use photosynthesis for nutrients, and I should stop trying to feed them potting soil.
    147) Snapping my fingers does not make me a Q.
    148) I will no longer sing the Ghostbusters theme when hunting down Devidians.
    149) Painting my ship red will not make it go faster, and painting the warp core red won't either.
    150) I am not allowed to call the Pon Faar a "Vulcan Period".
  • Archived PostArchived Post Member Posts: 2,264,498 Arc User
    edited February 2012
    151). I am not allowed to tell aspiring engineers, the media or impressionable children that we literally shovel dilithium into the warp core 'like an old fashioned locomotive steam engine'. Neither can I imply that this is how Klingon anti-matter reactors work, true or otherwise.
    152). I have been told on good authority that Tellarites, Ferengi and Pakleds do not like my rendition of the 'Oompa Loompa' song, and that I should cease humming in their presence immediately.
    153). I am not allow to blast heavy metal music during red alert.
    154). Iron Maiden's 'Run to the Hills' is not an acceptable fleet battle song.
    155). Latinum is NOT a girl's best friend and I should not try to prove this theory.
    156). When answering the question of an alien species in regards to what Starfleet or the Federation does, I am not allowed to quote Conan the Barbarian's answer to 'What is Best in Life'.
    157). Whining 'But the Klingons get to do it.' will get me nowhere.
    158). I first have to be a great starship captain in order to go to The Captain's Table. So I can forget it.
    159). Don't ever call the Omega Force 'Klingon Lovers'.
    160). I will never address my local Starfleet Intelligence officer as 'Herr Commandant'.
  • Archived PostArchived Post Member Posts: 2,264,498 Arc User
    edited March 2012
    161) Not allowed to question who came up with the name "Klingon" and why it reminds me of feminine hygiene products
    162) Not allowed to actually ask a Klingon if that's the reason why their ships have wings
    163) Not allowed to bring up above subject in presence of actual KDF players
    164) Starfleet 'carebear' regulations prohibit me from warping into a fleet battle, spamming hundreds of chronitron torpedoes in massive salvoes single-handedly destroying the entire Mirror Universe invasion force then warping out immediately leaving newbies' questions of 'how do u fire so many torps?' unanswered
    165) Not allowed to mock slow exploration cruisers as I fly rings around them in my little Jem'Hadar enhanced 'science' vessel whist doing far more damage to the enemy
    166) "Additional Orion Ladies" is not a valid requisition
    167) Bribing Ferengi traders for said 'commodities' also prohibited. Something about 'hygiene' and 'cultural' reasons.
    168) Not allowed to retort that certain officers' holodeck programmes are very 'interesting' yet free from such preposterous regulations.
    169) Not allowed to patrol Exchange for stupendously cheap rare items and resell for 10,000% profit
    170) Not allowed to wear spaghetti tops and tube dresses on away team missions
    171) Not even if covered up with a cardigan. "Photonic armour", "psychological warfare", "Counselor Troy does that to make her clients more at ease" are also not valid excuses.
    172) Not allowed to retort that Uhura's TOS uniform fares no better practicality wise
    174) Bringing a sword to a phaser fight is a bad idea
    175) Not allowed to leave hair unbound when entering melee combat
    176) Even if waist-length hair is depicted as standard fare in the background graphic of this very forum
    177) Hosting zero-gravity flash mob pillow fights on the bridge is not allowed
    178) Not allowed even if the gravity plates are on
    179) Pillow fights not allowed anywhere else on the ship
    180) Beaming a cargo hold full of tribbles onto the bridge of an enemy ship is not a valid Starfleet tactic
    181) Even if logically, it would make the Klingons go raging mad, instantly crippling the ship
    182) Carrying a tribble to a boring diplomatic conference with the Klingons is not allowed
    183) Not allowed to have pillow fights with Gorn diplomats
    185) I am not allowed to ask a lady cadet to 'remove her kit and unbutton her blouse from neck to midriff' in public
    186) Not even if she requests me to teach her how to remove that ugly kit and equip her open shirt costume
    187) Not allowed to demonstrate said maneuver OOC :D
    188) Against photonic rights to deploy the Emergency Assault Hologram to an unsanctioned ground combat tournament
    189) Even if said duty officer assignment were labelled "Extreme Risk" and sending an actual being to take part would be illogical
  • Archived PostArchived Post Member Posts: 2,264,498 Arc User
    edited March 2012
    190) I am not allowed to install apps on my tricorder.
    191) "Shaving a Klingon" is considered cruel and unusual punishment for all parties involved.
    192) I am not allowed to make Jem'Hadar dance for Ketracel White.
    193) I am not to refer to the Founder homeworld as "Puddilon".
    194) Sending waves of troops at the enemy until their batteries run out is not a viable tactic in battle.
    195) I am no longer allowed to ask Gorn and Caitians how they speak with their muzzles.
    196) The Vorta have all been informed that Captain Ratika and her crew are on the "Do Not Mimic" list.
    197) I am not allowed to be offended by #196.
    198) I am not allowed to say "WooooOOOOooooooo" over open comm channels while traveling through the Bajoran Wormhole.
    199) I have never had a blue 20th century police box land in my cargo hold. That was a dream.
    200) I am not allowed to call Cardassians in a bar "Lounge Lizards".
    201) I cannot use time travel to escape from convoy duty.
    202) The Great Material Continuum is not an excuse for filling all my cargo holds with Self Sealing Stem Bolts.
    203) Nobody wants my Tulaberries.
    204) If I find a spacewhale, I am not allowed to form a religion around it.
    205) I am not the Starfleet Academy Boogeyman of Ship Assignments, no matter how much I perpetuate the rumor.
    206) I have no idea what self sealing stem bolts do and will stop pretending that I do.
    207) I am not allowed to append "FOR MASSIVE DAMAGE!" when describing weak points in enemy hulls.
    208) From now on I am not allowed to run fire drills outside the holodeck.
    209) Leaving a trail of tribbles is not a wise way to remember which way I'm going.
    210) I am no longer permitted to comment on Jem'Hadar horns.
    211) Shooting people with goatees because they may be a Mirror Universe duplicate is not allowed.
    212) Just because the Vorta ate it, doesn't mean it's safe.
  • Archived PostArchived Post Member Posts: 2,264,498 Arc User
    edited March 2012
    213). I may not paint my shuttlecrafts and try to form them up 'like Voltron'.
    214). Calling any Orion male a 'Jolly Green Giant' is strictly forbidden. So too is singing, whistling or humming that old commercial jingle in their presence.
    215). I am no longer allowed to ask Starfleet Requisitions to substitute my shuttlecrafts for ANY form of mecha or battlesuit.
    216). Galors are not 'Yellow Submarines' and I should not try to broadcast that song at any serving Detapa Councel vessel.
    217). I should start my language lessons with how to pronounce a proper greeting or name introduction.... not 'how to swear' in various alien languages.
    218). I should stop requesting AK-47's, no matter how much more effective they are (in theory) against the Borg.
    219). I will not ask anyone if their pet Mugato is their 'forest bride'.
    220). My pets may not be designated as 'dependents'.
    221). Nobody on my crew wants to 'go Gangsta', least of all me.
    222). No sentient hologram android is my 'Artificial Brother'.
    223). I am never allowed to visit a changeling while bringing a giant novelty straw.
    224). Poetry recital night and classical music concerts at Ten Forward are not 'for tea sipping wussies'.
    225). Nickleback playing sonic grenades are banned by the Khitomer Accords for a reason, so I must stop using them.
    226). It is not OK to ask the Liberated Borg if they use 110v or 220v.
    227). I am never allowed to join a Quad of any kind. Ever.
    228). The tribble is not 'the other white meat' and I should stop trying to advocate that kind of use for them.
    229). Placing a piece of dilithium in my underwear will not make it 'bigger' for the reason I think.
    230). I will not teach my Sehlat to go into an attack frenzy every time he sees Fleet Admiral pips.
    231). 'Keep Calm and Chive On' is not a proper way to address my superior officer after a disciplinary hearing.
  • Archived PostArchived Post Member Posts: 2,264,498 Arc User
    edited March 2012
    214) If an alien species has no concept of greed, love, competition, gender, discrimination, violence, or lying, I am not allowed to introduce them myself. That's what the computer is for.
    215) I am not allowed to alter the computer without clearance from Starfleet.
    216) I am not allowed to encourage racism against any race, even if it creates a common ground for diplomatic relations.
    217) I am not allowed to give megalomaniacal masterminds pointers on making their plans a success.
    218) "Dangerous in the wrong hands" refers to me, at all times.
    219) My entire crew turning to look at me when that phrase is uttered is not grounds for a charge of insubordination.
    220) I am not allowed to install self-replicating cloaked mines outside starfleet headquarters.
    221) Just because I can increase the power output of a weapon, doesn't mean I should.
    222) I am not allowed to point out the flaws in the psychopath's weapon schematics if doing so would cause it to work as he/she intends.
    223) Assuming all Joined Trill swing both ways is wrong.
    224) I will not send the Ferengi in first.
    225) I am not allowed to replace a Jem'Hadar's Ketracel White with coconut juice.
    226) I am to stop asking Cadets to "Take me to your Leader" in a monotone voice whenever I visit Starfleet Academy.
    227) What happens on Risa, stays on Risa.
    228) I am not allowed on Risa without supervision anymore.
    229) Puppet shows are not the proper way to begin diplomatic talks.
    230) I am now required to hand over my Kits and Devices before using the restroom.
    231) My personal self-destruct code for my ship has been disabled.
    232) Threatening to hold my breath until both sides agree is not a viable diplomatic maneuver.
    233) Just because "The Captain goes down with his ship", does not mean I can immediately field promote a duty officer to Captain as I run to the escape pod.
    234) I am not allowed to abandon ship. If the only possible solutions are pulling a victory from the jaws of defeat and dying in a fiery explosion, Starfleet has determined that it is a no-lose scenario.
  • Archived PostArchived Post Member Posts: 2,264,498 Arc User
    edited March 2012
    235). I may not use the following words (in singular or in plural) in my mission reports: Spoonhead, Shellhead, Dingus, Pimpmobile, Forest Bride, Going Native, Ratika's Law, Strapped, Ride Up, Homey, Metal (as a descriptive term), Japan, Sweaty Excitement, My Dark Overlords (both in referring to my superior officers and my enemies), Gibbed, Fragged and Gibbled Sandwich.
    236). A mission report with a set minimum word limit does not imply that I should repeat the same word over and over.
    237). I may not submit my mission reports in the following formats: semaphore, morse code, binary, African drums, bugle, smoke signals, Klingon opera, .txt file and as a spoken word song.
  • Archived PostArchived Post Member Posts: 2,264,498 Arc User
    edited March 2012
    238) I am not to wear exercise gear when I go to the Pilatus System.
    239) I am restricted to Starfleet issue undergarments.
    240) My bed is not a proper place to conduct diplomatic relations.
    241) Telling a Ferengi he'll go deaf if he keeps giving himself Oo-mox is not the proper way to conduct negotiations.
    242) I am not allowed to leave the holodeck on past midnight, nor can I leave food in there.
    243) I am no longer permitted to build forts out of Cardassian Lockboxes.
    244) Building a dabo table in the cargo hold is against regulations.
  • Archived PostArchived Post Member Posts: 2,264,498 Arc User
    edited March 2012
    245) I will not play Rock em Sock em Robots with my android duty officers.
    246) I will not offer up my crew as hosts for face huggers.
    247) Nuking things from orbit is not the only way to be sure.
    248) I will not describe Remans as "They come out at night. Mostly."
  • Archived PostArchived Post Member Posts: 2,264,498 Arc User
    edited March 2012
    249) When stranded on a planet with help days or weeks away, I am to call my fellow castaways by their names, not the means of which i plan to prepare them as food.
    250) I am not allowed to suggest Klingons with large starships are compensating for something.
    251) I am not to follow my D'jarra and become a bomb maker.
    252) "The Prophets told me to" is only an excuse for Captain Sisko, not me.
    253) I am not allowed to suggest that Remans are what happens when you feed a Romulan past midnight.
    254) I will not throw water on Remans.
    255) "Ratika's Law" refers to the reason i'm banned from Risa, and is not something to be proud of.
    256) I am not allowed to build sculptures out of tribbles on the bridge.
    257) The Trill homeworld is not called "Gallifrey".
  • Archived PostArchived Post Member Posts: 2,264,498 Arc User
    edited March 2012
    258) Is not allowed to aggravate Vortas by walking around and whispering "can you hear me now? " repeatedly.
  • Archived PostArchived Post Member Posts: 2,264,498 Arc User
    edited March 2012
    259) I may not make holes in the side of the ship so my crew can fire rifles at the enemy.
    260) The duty officer did not die due to bears. Stop suggesting it.
  • Archived PostArchived Post Member Posts: 2,264,498 Arc User
    edited March 2012
    16) The airlocks are not viable quarters.

    they are when the in-laws show up unannounced
  • Archived PostArchived Post Member Posts: 2,264,498 Arc User
    edited March 2012
    261) I am not allowed to set course for the Delta Quadrant without a very good, Starfleet Command-verified reason.
    262) I am not allowed to ask any dark skinned Vulcans if they can use electrokinesis.
    263) I am not allowed to pull the following: a "Janeway", a "Picard", an "Archer", a "Kirk", or a "Sisko".
    264) Space stations are not the proper place to practice starship slaloms. This goes double if the ship is a cruiser.
    265) I am not allowed to question the location of the Vorta self-termination implant, nor am I allowed to use the knowledge of its location.
    266) I am not a "Modern Major Admiral".
    267) Gilbert and Sullivan songs are explicitly forbidden in the following places: The Bridge, the transporter room, the engine room, the brig, and all turbolifts.
    268) I am not allowed to leave port with 150 crew members and 149 space suits.
    269) "Get me tea" is not a valid assignment for a duty officer.
    270) I am no longer allowed to sing "Gasshin! God Gravion!" when reassembling my multi-vector ship.
    271) The word "Gattai!" is now forbidden on the bridge.
  • Archived PostArchived Post Member Posts: 2,264,498 Arc User
    edited March 2012
    272). I will not emulate the behavior of the following fictional characters: Lazarus Long, Deadpool, that actor from Vulcan Love Slave that comes in to clean the meditation pond, John Wayne, that actor from Vulcan Love Slave who delivers Plomeek soup, William Shatner, Eric Cartman, that actor from Vulcan Love slave who comes in to fix the holodeck, and Andy Dyck.
    273). Ratika's Law is not 'Hard and Fast' nor will I imply that it is as such.
    274). 'You don't have the guts' is not a personal challenge nor should I treat it as such.
    275). Starfleet already knows when every Bajoran festival takes place, so I should stop making a festival up every time I want a day off.
    276). My own people don't light Bateret Incense to 'get high', and I should stop spreading that myth.
    277). I will not start a 'Fight Club' in one of the little used cargo bays of my ship.
    278). Nor can I franchise 'Fight Clubs' to any ship, starbase or planet.
    279). I most certainly cannot take my holorecorder and film said underground fights and sell them on the black market for gold pressed latinum, not even in the spirit of athleticism or free enterprise.
    280). And I may never substitute contestants with holograms, androids or animals. They have rights now. I must respect that.
    281). I am not allowed to zip through the hallways of my ship using rocket boots.
  • Archived PostArchived Post Member Posts: 2,264,498 Arc User
    edited March 2012
    277). I will not start a 'Fight Club' in one of the little used cargo bays of my ship.
    278). Nor can I franchise 'Fight Clubs' to any ship, starbase or planet.

    282) I will not mention the existence of a Fight Club to Starfleet Command as that would violate the first rule of Fight Club.
  • Archived PostArchived Post Member Posts: 2,264,498 Arc User
    edited March 2012
    283) If it makes an Admiral nervous, I'm not allowed to suggest it.
    284) "Starfleet Intelligence" is not an oxymoron and I should stop suggesting as such.
    285) I am no longer allowed to list possible scenarios for escaping Federation prisons on open comm channels or in crowded bars.
    286) I do not have a concealed carry permit for a phaser, so I should stop hiding them in places no one except my doctor has gone before without a night of romance and/or a few drinks.
    287) Even if it's possible, I am not allowed to become my own grandparent.
    288) Time travel vasectomies are not a diplomatic solution to anything.
    289) I am not permitted to address time travel missions as "Retcons" in my logs.
    290) Borg drones are not good pets.
    291) Neither are Talaxians.
    292) While "By the Prophets!" is a perfectly acceptable swear in a bad situation, "Q help us!" is not, as there's a chance he might actually show up and make things worse.
    293) Kicking Q in the family jewels is not a solution to anything.
    294) I am not allowed to shave my head and pretend to be a Deltan.
    295) Pretending to be a Bynar using the holo emitters is not a good idea.
    296) There are no Space Elves or Space Gnomes, and I should stop saying they fixed my boots and stole my underwear.
    297) Moreover, I should stop using them as an excuse for why my crewmates' underwear is suddenly in my room.
  • Archived PostArchived Post Member Posts: 2,264,498 Arc User
    edited March 2012
    298) "Split-laning" through a crowded anchorage while making motorcycle / pod racer / hoverbike noises is prohibited
    299) 25th Century Starfleet ballistic armor and leather-esque uniforms are not to be resold on the civilian market as motorcycle or hoverbike gear
    300) I will not tell recon science vessel captains to get rid of their bulky mission pods and outfit their ships as heavy Fleet Escorts with Jem'Hadar combat drives and polaron weapons 'for greater pwnage'
    301) Not allowed to try and get better ship and equipment requisitions from Klingon Defence Force High Command by turning up for video conferences in gothic lolita costume...
    302) Not allowed to trade my Hog for a Rear Admiral's ship requisition token (I just sold my bike and can now afford a whole fleet of VA ships actually :P)
    303) When administering Starfleet Academy exams, the phrase "If you don't know the answer, I slap you" is not a proper motivational comment
    304) Selling Duty Officers on the Orion Slave Exchange is prohibited
    305) Emailing Duty Officers to myself in order to store them for future use is also not allowed
    306) Likewise for Bridge Officer trading, it's apparently against human rights to barter my officers for food, water, and other provisions.
    307) Not allowed to attach some random guy's Tactical Escort to the ventral section of my Star Cruiser to make it to-spec with the latest Odyssey & BortaS class trends.
    308) In addition to 307, non-consensual docking of any kind is prohibited.
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