Title: A Private Civil War
ID: ST-HJO29D6NI
Allegiance: Starfleet
Level: 31+
Starting Location: Earth Spacedock
Description
You are recalled to Earth Spacedock after one of your crew on shore leave is murdered. Evidence points to another one of your crew being responsible. As you investigate the murder, discover a wider conflict that threatens the stability of the Federation.
Notes
This mission takes around 30 minutes to complete and is an attempt to put more in less maps than my previous efforts.
Any and all reviews welcome!
Comments
Federation Mission - A Private Civil War
Author: Stylsy
Allegiance: Federation
Project ID: ST-HJO29D6NI
Report Start
Summary: This is a good mission. The map design is very well done. The space and ground battles are tough but not impossible. The story dialog is well written. Ive learned most of the differences between UK English spelling and US English spelling of certain words so I didnt note those.
The use of "Continue" in the response buttons is way over used. Its not just you; even Cryptic uses it too much, at least in my opinion. This is definitely a personal preference but I felt it should be something for you to consider. While the use may be appropriate in some aspects of the dialog many others it seems awkward. For example if the Tactical BOFF makes a report of something the "Continue" button should be changed to a response appropriate from the Captain regarding that dialog or adding to the follow on dialog. An appropriate use of "Continue" might be when reading a log entry or computer output report that doesnt need a response from the player. Alternatively you could use " " as a response vice the default "Continue". It is something for you to consider and by no means is it a show stopper.
I liked what you did on "The Barrens" map by using the warp effect to tell part of the story and not require another map change. Ive been seeing that more often in missions being used to tell part of the story lately and it seems to be growing in popularity. My only recommendation to make it a little better is that you change the map to an east-west configuration and use the "Weather Starstreaks WestEast 01" effect. It looks so much better than the current one you are using. I am also using that effect in a mission that I am currently developing.
Below are some things I noted while playing the mission that I wanted to let you know about. Everything in this write up should be seen as suggestions on ways I felt you could improve certain elements of the mission. They are yours to do with as you see fit.
Mission Description: This is a short and to the point description. Consider adding a little more story to it in order to entice the player in. You can start the story here and make the player want to click the "Hail" button.
Grant Mission Dialog: The initial grant dialog is well written but like with the Mission Description you want to draw the player in and get them to click "Accept". The follow on dialog is good. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog. I noted only one item to consider changing:
-The initial report from the commander; consider changing the response button "Continue" to read "On my way" or something along those lines.
Mission Task: Even though you tell the player to go to ESD in the description and in the grant mission dialog you need to add the start location of the first custom map to the task.
Mission Entry Prompt: This is a good use of the prompt. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog. I noted one item to consider changing:
-The BOFF is my Ship Science BOFF. The dialog suggests that the BOFF is with me. If that is the case then check to make sure you are using the Away Team BOFF.
MAPS:
Spacedock Suite 47: This is a great map design. The story dialog is very well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue". I will cover this in my summary.
-Consider adding a "Skip Dialog" button that provides the player with a summary dialog of what they need to know to continue.
-The "Commander Jot" dialog; consider changing "staying in room 2 whist Chief Culhane" to read "staying in room 2 whilst Chief Culhane". You could also use "while".
-Consider changing "crewmember's guest quarters for any additional clues that can help" to read "crewmember's guest quarters for any additional clues".
-Consider changing "it could be general radiation but your officers have better luck identifying it" to read "it could be general radiation but your officers may have better luck identifying it".
-Consider changing "doing so may assist you in putting all the facts together" to read "doing so may help the investigation".
-The "Nicole Byrne" dialog; consider changing "its core worlds at a time of war" to read "its core worlds in a time of war".
-Consider changing "at the time so didn't think too much of it" to read "at the time so I didn't think too much of it".
-Story Point: When Nicole Byrne says "I was outside and heard them arguing in here" are we interviewing her in her quarters? If so, why were Tom and Thalev in her quarters when she was gone?
-The security officer outside of Nicole Byrne's quarters states that "Miss Stevens is inside her quest quarters". I believe you meant "Miss Byrne".
-The "Michael Stevens" dialog; consider changing "I thought it would take the edge of to allow him to unwind" to read "I thought it would take the edge off to allow him to unwind".
-The "Doctor Rhodes" dialog; consider changing "The marks around his neck show are rather prominent" to read "The marks around his neck are rather prominent".
-Consider moving the response button "Thank you Doctor" to the second position.
-The player is able to access the console from the same position in the middle of the room as talking to the doctor. Consider reducing the interaction area of the console so the player has to be at the console.
-The Chiefs room same issue with accessing the console and table interaction points while standing in between them. Consider reducing the interaction area for all interaction objects in the rooms.
-The post "Examine the Table" dialog; consider changing "looks like Culhane sank a fair few drinks earlier" to read "looks like Culhane had quite a few drinks".
-The post "Scan Energy Reading" dialog; consider changing "This is definitley technological in nature sir" to read "This is definitely technological in nature sir".
-Consider removing the extra response buttons regarding the extra THz and the wrong time. They do not add anything to the story.
Alpha Centauri System: The map design is good with some nice battles. The story dialog is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-The "Outpost" dialog; consider changing "We have a hightened security alert" to read "We have a heightened security alert"
-Consider changing "We have a hightened alert" to read "We have a heightened alert"
-Consider changing the response button "Rediculous, stand down immediatley" to read "Ridiculous, stand down immediately".
Supply Outpost U-21: This is a good map design with some tough battles. The story dialog is well written. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-The second "Talk to Prisoner" dialog; consider changing "We will work reach out to the Andorian Mining" to read "We will reach out to the Andorian Mining".
-The report of the rebel ships being driven off and the Solkar emergency repairs is coming from my Away Team Science BOFF. I think you meant to make it the Ship Science BOFF.
The Barrens: This is a very intriguing map design. The battles are well done. The writing is good. I noted no spelling or grammatical errors with this dialog or any issues with the map. I noted a couple of items to consider changing:
-The use of the response button "Continue".
-The warp effect you are using does not work correctly. I would suggest reorienting the map to east to west and using the "Weather Starstreaks WestEast 01" effect. I found that it works better.
End Report
Thanks again for authoring and for giving me the chance to review your work. You did a great job with this mission from the map design through the battles and into the story dialog. I look forward to playing/reviewing more of your work in the future.
Brian
This critique report also filed 02/11/2012 on forum posting for: In depth mission reports upon request.
Great tip around the warp effect, Ive changed it and it definitely does work better.
You can read dialogues 10 times but because you are used to them some errors just don't jump out at you, so your pointers above have really helped me polish the mission.
Many thanks again!
I'm glad I could help. It is my goal to give the author as much helpful information as possible. As they improve their techniques the quality of the missions improves and the richer the experience is for the rest of the community.
I thought you might like that warp effect better. It does feel a little awkward the first time you set up a space map with a east to west orientation but once you do it that way it works so much better.
When reading your own work you will almost always miss certain errors. I believe the author already knows what you want it to say and somehow the mind sees it that way when you are reading what you wrote. It always helps to have another set of eyes review your work and give you feedback. That is what I try to do with my reviews.
Thanks for authoring,
Brian
Actually, on that map, I spawned OUTSIDE the invisible walls and I nearly aborted the mission as I couldn't get back inside it. Just by pure chance I got close enough to activate the object interact. My advice would be to make the walls wider and place the object a little farther forward to accommodate this.
Some mixed comments about the Barrens, i thought it would be something different to have the pitch black space as seen in canon for that, as it is local to Earth which fits the overall story of the mission and also seemed like an area of space Starfleet would have little interest in patrolling so the two parties could look to fight unnoticed.
Thanks for the play through and feedback!