With the good amount of humor and Trek out there. I was wondering if there were any actual Trek jokes. Or silly things in game, books shows or movies that got you to chuckle.
the only star trek joke i know is the JJ Abrams movie. And that wasnt even funny 8(
And here I was about to make a link to JJprise on You Tube:p
Anyhoo speaking of You Tube links... it's not Star Trek and it's not a joke but it is William Shatner in space and makes me giggle a little, try this --> Shh
Ok, neighborhood missions for the Sol system have been brought up many times in the monthly reports. One potential mission would have players assisting the Enterprise-F as they searched for Klingon scouts near the moons of Uranus... :-)
What do you call it when that Strategic Operations Officer on DS9 runs as fast as he can?
Worf Speed.
#7
What did Picard say as Data struggled to repair the Marclosian Stitching Machine?
"Make it sew."
#6
What happened when Yeoman Rand complained that someone had cut a peephole in her cabin door?
Captain Kirk promised to look into it.
#5
How many members of the USS Enterprise does it take to change a
light bulb?
Six: Scotty to get on the intercom when the light goes out and say, "I canna do it, Cap'n!", Spock to tell Kirk he is proceeding illogically, McCoy to say "Dammit, Jim -- I'm a doctor not an electrician!!", Kirk to TRIBBLE it in, and two red-shirt security officers to die in the process.
#4
What is Riker's dating philosophy?
If at first you don't succeed, try Troi again.
#3
What does a Romulan frog use for camouflage?
A croaking device.
#2
Why did Worf change his hair color?
It was a good day to dye.
#1
Why is Kirk a better captain than Picard?
One word: hair.
Kirk never drinks tea.
Kirk once fought a Greek god. And won.
Kirk traveled through The Great Barrier, met God, and wasn't even impressed.
Kirk's bridge is not beige.
The Borg versus Microsoft
"Star Trek Lost Episodes" transcript.
Picard "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"
Geordi "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."
Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.
Riker looks puzzled. "What in the world is 'Microsoft'?"
Data turns to answer. "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."
Picard "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"
Data "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."
Picard "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."
Fifteen minutes later . . .
Data "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."
Geordi "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."
Picard "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their is something we have missed."
Data "Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Apparently, the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.
Riker "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."
Geordi, excited "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"
Picard "Data, what do your scanners show?"
Data "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."
Picard "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality."
Two hours pass . . .
Riker "Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"
Geordi "As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have set up, our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'Windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.
Picard "How much time will that buy us ?"
Data "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."
Geordi "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."
Picard "Identify."
Data "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"
Over the speakers:
"THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"
Data "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."
Picard "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"
Riker "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they survive the tortures of deep space ?!"
Data "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer, I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits"
Riker and Picard together horrified "Lawyers !!"
Geordi "It can't be. All the lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."
Data "True, but apparently some must have survived."
Riker "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."
Data "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape'. I understand that it often proves fatal."
Riker "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"
Picard "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that!"
Comments
Unfortunately the plan was foiled...
I'll get my coat
And here I was about to make a link to JJprise on You Tube:p
Anyhoo speaking of You Tube links... it's not Star Trek and it's not a joke but it is William Shatner in space and makes me giggle a little, try this --> Shh
1 to swap the 'stator, and 150 to blow up the ship out of shame.
Gym "Someone give the captain a pie!" Quirk
What did Spock see when he looked in the toilet? The Captain's Log.
Wow. You are just determined to be miserable.
20 seconds later...
"NO TIME!!!!"
:rolleyes:
A "croaking" device
I really hope I don't get an infraction for this...
It was a good day to DYE
"YOUR MONEY IS OURS, RESISTANCE IS FUTILE" CRYPTIC. :eek:
What do Remans and Pink Floyd have in common?
They both came out with the Dark Side of the Moon. "pa-dum tish"
Answer: Three.
(A left ear, a right ear, and a final front ear.)
Sorry
lamo .
I remember hearing that one somewhere!
I've got some odd ones I've found about Trek Sterotypes, but I dont think they're approiate for here.
I crack up whenever I read this tidbit
To conquer the other side.
#9
Why did the Borg cross the road?
Because it assimilated the chicken!
#8
What do you call it when that Strategic Operations Officer on DS9 runs as fast as he can?
Worf Speed.
#7
What did Picard say as Data struggled to repair the Marclosian Stitching Machine?
"Make it sew."
#6
What happened when Yeoman Rand complained that someone had cut a peephole in her cabin door?
Captain Kirk promised to look into it.
#5
How many members of the USS Enterprise does it take to change a
light bulb?
Six: Scotty to get on the intercom when the light goes out and say, "I canna do it, Cap'n!", Spock to tell Kirk he is proceeding illogically, McCoy to say "Dammit, Jim -- I'm a doctor not an electrician!!", Kirk to TRIBBLE it in, and two red-shirt security officers to die in the process.
#4
What is Riker's dating philosophy?
If at first you don't succeed, try Troi again.
#3
What does a Romulan frog use for camouflage?
A croaking device.
#2
Why did Worf change his hair color?
It was a good day to dye.
#1
Why is Kirk a better captain than Picard?
One word: hair.
Kirk never drinks tea.
Kirk once fought a Greek god. And won.
Kirk traveled through The Great Barrier, met God, and wasn't even impressed.
Kirk's bridge is not beige.
"Star Trek Lost Episodes" transcript.
Picard "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"
Geordi "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."
Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.
Riker looks puzzled. "What in the world is 'Microsoft'?"
Data turns to answer. "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."
Picard "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"
Data "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."
Picard "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."
Fifteen minutes later . . .
Data "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."
Geordi "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."
Picard "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their is something we have missed."
Data "Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Apparently, the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.
Riker "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."
Geordi, excited "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"
Picard "Data, what do your scanners show?"
Data "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."
Picard "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality."
Two hours pass . . .
Riker "Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"
Geordi "As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have set up, our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'Windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.
Picard "How much time will that buy us ?"
Data "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."
Geordi "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."
Picard "Identify."
Data "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo"
Over the speakers:
"THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"
Data "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."
Picard "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"
Riker "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they survive the tortures of deep space ?!"
Data "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer, I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits"
Riker and Picard together horrified "Lawyers !!"
Geordi "It can't be. All the lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."
Data "True, but apparently some must have survived."
Riker "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."
Data "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape'. I understand that it often proves fatal."
Riker "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"
Picard "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that!"
Best one yet!!! LMAO