Since I know there are others out there (Especially you Raven, I read your stuff), I figured we writers could probably do with our own thread.
Given that we all love Star Trek and the enormous RPG threads (among other things), perhaps we should band together and work on a project involving Star Trek in some way.
Since I know there are others out there (Especially you Raven, I read your stuff), I figured we writers could probably do with our own thread.
Given that we all love Star Trek and the enormous RPG threads (among other things), perhaps we should band together and work on a project involving Star Trek in some way.
What do you think?
Interesting concept for a thread. I've had an FF.net account I've been thinking of putting to good use sometimes, seeing as I've got extended weekends soon. As for the Star Trek idea, you might want to think of doing it somewhere else other than this forum. For some reason ST stories and RP's TANK in STO lol.
The post count isn't what I mean, it's the fact that they tend to just fall apart story wise. It's rather sad, seeing as this is a Star Trek forum, you'd think the ST RP's would be the strongest.
It would be nice to see some story ideas of theirs inspired by our RP's. I wonder if they ever read them, even. Who knows, perhaps they're taking bets on who's going to die next in our respective threads lol.
My stories are rather light hearted, featuring some unlikely scenarios like a fist-fight with a giant mouse.
But they are also an interesting evolution of Star Trek. A large part of the cast is aliens. And many of the humans in the series are from planets besides Earth.
The Captain is from the colony New Essex. The Chief Engineer is from Alpha Centauri (but has never been to Federation Hall, the place where the Federation was formed).
And even the aliens themselves are often from colony planets. The second officer is a Romulan from a colony planet. Likewise for the security officer. Smaller Federation members are also present. One of the enlisted personal is from Gideon for example.
It represents an evolving Star Trek. A newer generation if you will.
Sounds a lot like the stuff we had planned for most of our Star Trek stories.
Like the reason my char's bio includes such a ridiculous notion with four Orion cadets and the partially mentioned Kobayashi Maru incident which requires three admirals with gamma-level clearance to view.
I like to write, but I've never actually gotten my Trek-based stories in ink and on paper fully.
My Fed Tac officer's Bio is basically the extent of how much I get writtern at one time, mostly cause of the biography limit we have. The biography I wrote for Walt is about half written because of that.
< once wrote a 12 page "short story" that was supposed to be 2 pages, and could've been a hell of a lot longer.
I wrote a 2 page run on sentence once for creative writing. The assignment was to come up with a terrible beginning sentence for a story.
Our story, like so many ones before in ages past, begins at the logical starting point of beginning at beginning of the story because starting elsewhere, such as the middle or near the end of the story, while sometimes being creatively and artistically done will often leave the reader in a state of confusion and befuddlement over the events that had to have transpired to bring the protagonists to their current state in the story they, the reader, are now involved in but the author must also be aware of not starting too far at the beginning such as the big bang or a bit further down the road such as with the dinosaurs no matter how tempting the desire to write a story starting with the dinosaurs may be such a fantastic story would no doubt draw attention away from the story the reader is trying to tell and often has little to do with the protagonist and his friends unless the story actually does involve dinosaurs in which case starting with the dinosaurs would be a sensible way to begin the story and lead into the main plotline of the story, so the author would probably start his story at the beginning of relevant time of the protagonists such as when they were born although unless the birth itself is exceptional such a start can be a pratfall of itself by starting too soon and forcing the author to deal with the early life of the hero which cannot always be dismissed as readily as one, two, three, and thus beginning at the relevant starting point of the story is where most good stories begin which this story will be attempting to emulate in it's beginning the story at the beginning of the relevant events that are detailed in the story and will when the need to explain events that happened before the story began arises will flashed back to those events where necessary so that we can start the story at a time-tested and logical starting point, namely the beginning.
I don't know if you intend this to be a closed thing (I'm cool with that) but I like to write and I think I'm decent at it. I could send you part of a descriptive peice I did the other day if you want heh ( it's actually a bit wet so maybe not ). Anywho..
I love to write...it's my main way of blowing off steam if you disregard my borderline alcoholism, in fact...sadly, I don't collaborate well with others, and I'd drive everyone crazy. I want to get my second story finished before I even think about another project, anyway.
And, at the moment, I think I should probably start by throwing out ideas (although I'm omitting the one I had regarding mixing PR and ST...*shudders*
A ship full of cadets stuck in the middle of an unplanned fight
A story following several cadets through Starfleet (this was actually a joint idea I had with TheLastTest - haven't touched it in a while)
Need your thoughts on this little bit I just wrote. It might not make sense, but I need to know what you all think. Thanks.
Begins here:
There comes a time in a persons life when one begins to wonder about their sanity, which as most people will tell you means youre obviously not INsane because you recognize it.
I on the other hand, dont believe that especially when youve switched between another world and the real world so many times the barriers between worlds break down.
Lets face it reality is relative.
Facts may be the same no matter how you call it, but a lot of things society deems acceptable and normal depends entirely on the society itself. Nowadays with better information technology students are retaining less information and retrieving more of it from the internet and with the advent of smart phones and smaller computers, people are becoming more and more reliant on it.
Information is much easier to access and retrieve thanks to its light-speed transfer rate. News on the other side of the globe can be heard all over the planet just moments after somebody gets wind of it.
Thanks to this increase in the information exchange rate, technological advances are becoming commonplace. New products featuring new technology are often becoming outdated within six months of their release.
This of course has lead to new advances in law enforcement, and also to unfortunately, crime.
And despite all of these advances, one thing that hasnt changed is that crime still exists and the system that processes this entire thing still takes a long time.
Some say that the scales of justice take time to balance. Whether or not you believe that to be true, or whether or not you believe in the system one fact still remains painfully clear no matter how much people wish it werent the case.
Victims will still be scarred, and the damage done, permanent.
That was painfully clear as I watched my friend have a seizure on the hospital bed as the medical staff hustled frantically, barking out orders left and right.
Ill never forget that moment.
Mom was a complete mess as Dad tried to keep a strong front, reminding her about how strong their son was having gone through four years in high school at the New Metro Military Academy.
Their other son was simply watching through the window, speechless. Nothing had to be said; he knew his brother well. The last thing hed want was to know his entire family was hanging on every word of every breath the doctors were telling them in hope of good news. He never did understand the whole mourning thing since death was inevitable. It wasnt something you could forestall.
Why cry over something that was inevitable?
Better to accept the fact and instead of mourning over the loss of somebody, celebrate the life they had.
Because in the end while immortality sounded like the ultimate wish, it was not only one of the most horrible things anybody could have happen to them, it was also a very overpowered plot device which made it very tricky to use right.
Oh sure when one thinks of immortality everybody thinks of being all powerful and being able to do everything they ever dreamed about but never could do out of fear.
But when you get the chance to live forever, unless you have somebody you can share that with your entire life will be just watching friends and family come into the world as a brand spanking new baby only to leave again.
As I watched next to my brother with baited breath, I sighed in relief as my friend finally stabilized, his seizures stopping and his heart monitor steadying. The look on the doctors faces was hopeful, which was always a good thing.
The best news they had to give though was when the police had finally gotten around to talking to the family about what had happened.
According to them, the other guy was much worse off than their son was. As an added bonus, they were bestowing upon him a monetary bonus for catching a wanted cop-killer. While it wasnt the same as knowing that their son would pull through cleanly, it was a small bit of good news to put them at ease for the moment.
It was really heart warming over the next few days when news had finally spread outside of the family to his friends. Some of them had immediately dropped what they were doing and went straight away the moment they got the call, even if they were two or three states away.
The rest of his friends in the area would filter in eventually one or two at a time, offering what words of comfort they could. Even the rest of his graduating class had gotten wind of it and were sending their own messages of comfort, some offering to help in any way they possibly could despite being half a world away.
And somehow, even through all of this hopefulness, I couldnt help but sigh.
I couldnt explain it I just had this indescribable feeling in my gut, but I just couldnt voice it. It didnt matter if I screamed it or wrote it, it just wouldnt sink in.
He was going to die on that bed after a long, arduous struggle, and there was nothing anybody could do to stop it.
But because society tells us that good and unexpected things can happen, they held onto that hope that their son/friend would eventually pull through despite the current situation. Never mind that he had slipped into a coma or that the doctors estimated it would be some time before he would ever wake up again they had decided they would pull through.
Yes, the content's good, but, for the moment, it needs a better layout. I'll be better when I finally get home tonight and able to read it at my heart's content.
There comes a time in a persons life when one begins to wonder about their life and sanity, which as most people will tell you means youre obviously not insane because you recognize it. I, on the other hand, dont believe that especially when youve switched between your world and the real world so many times the barriers between worlds break down.
Lets face it reality is relative.
Facts may be the same no matter how you call it, but a lot of things society deems acceptable and normal depends entirely on the society itself; who is in it, how it functions, its situation.
Nowadays with better information technology students are retaining less information and retrieving more of it from the internet and with the advent of smart phones and smaller computers, people are becoming more and more reliant on it.
Information is much easier to access and retrieve thanks to its light-speed transfer rate. News on the other side of the globe can be heard all over the planet just moments after somebody gets wind of it. Thanks to this increase in the information exchange rate, technological advances are becoming commonplace. New products featuring new technology are often becoming outdated within six months of their release.
This of course has lead to new advances in law enforcement, and also to unfortunately, crime. And despite all of these advances, one thing that hasnt changed is that crime still exists and the system that processes this entire thing still takes a long time.
Some say that the scales of justice take time to balance. Whether or not you believe that to be true, or whether or not you believe in the system one fact still remains painfully clear no matter how much people wish it werent the case.
Victims will still be scarred, and the damage done, permanent. That was painfully clear as I watched my friend have a seizure on the hospital bed as the medical staff hustled frantically, barking out orders left and right.
Ill never forget that moment when it happened.
Mom was a complete mess as Dad tried to keep a strong front, reminding her about how strong their son was having gone through four years in high school at the New Metro Military Academy.
Their other son was simply watching through the window, speechless. Nothing had to be said; he knew his brother well. The last thing hed want was to know his entire family was hanging on every word of every breath the doctors were telling them in hope of good news. He never did understand the whole mourning thing since death was inevitable. It wasnt something you could forestall.
Why cry over something that was inevitable?
Better to accept the fact and instead of mourning over the loss of somebody, celebrate the life they had. Because in the end, while immortality sounded like the ultimate wish, it was not only one of the most horrible things anybody could have happen to them, it was also a very overpowered plot device which made it very tricky to use right.
Oh sure when one thinks of immortality everybody thinks of being all powerful and being able to do everything they ever dreamed about but never could do out of fear. But when you get the chance to live forever, unless you have somebody you can share that with your entire life will be just watching friends and family come into the world as a brand spanking new baby only to leave again several decades later. Better to live a short life as a tiger than a long one as a worm, right?
As I watched next to my brother with baited breath, I sighed in relief as he finally stabilized, his seizures stopping and his heart monitor steadying. The look on the doctors faces was hopeful, which was always a good thing. The best news they had to give though was when the police had finally gotten around to talking to the family about what had happened.
According to them, the other guy was much worse off than their son was. As an added bonus, they were bestowing upon him a monetary bonus for catching a wanted serial cop-killer. While it wasnt the same as knowing that their son would pull through cleanly, it was a small bit of good news to put them at ease for the moment.
It was really heart warming over the next few days when news had finally spread outside of the family to his friends. Some of them had immediately dropped what they were doing and went straight away the moment they got the call, even if they were two or three states away.
The rest of his friends in the area would filter in eventually one or two at a time, offering what words of comfort they could. Even the rest of his graduating class had gotten wind of it and were sending their own messages of comfort, some offering to help in any way they possibly could despite being half a world away.
And, that night, those who knew him raised glasses to him in the hope hed pull through.
And somehow, even through all of this hopefulness, I couldnt help but sigh. I couldnt explain it I just had this indescribable feeling in my gut, but I just couldnt voice it. It didnt matter if I screamed it or wrote it, it just wouldnt sink in. He was going to die on that bed after a long, arduous, uphill struggle, and there was nothing anybody could do to stop it.
But because society tells us that good and unexpected things can happen, they held onto that hope that their son/friend would eventually pull through despite the current situation, no matter how bleak. Never mind that he had slipped into a coma or that the doctors couldnt estimated how long it would be before he would wake up again they had decided he would pull through.
I got bored, so here's some writing I did at work:
It was dark. Really dark; though the light was slowly getting bigger. And bigger. And bigger. Then they burst out into it.
"It's beautiful" remarked Karen, looking out over the ocean after their camper van left the tunnel. "I've never seen such vistas"
It was a warm, summers day as Karen, a 27 year old teacher, and her friends, Miya, her 19 year old student friend, and Samual, |Miya's father and a fellow teacher of Karen, travelled through Rosland on their way to the beach. The road clinged to the coast tighly as jutted in and out, revealing not only stunning views and hidden cottages, but also sudden drops and golden, sandy beaches.
To their left; the coast, with ships way out in the distance; and to their right, a 'chocolate box' countryside, filled with crops and grazing animals. But ahead of them was their goal; Mantio beach, some 3 miles of perfect golden beach, sparingly littered with rocks, but also with plants, providing a utopia for rock pools and coastal birds.
As they pulled up, they noticed that the beach was quite empty; they would be able to enjoy themselves without having to worry about others. Sam set about putting up the windbreak and sunshade, as Karen and Miya changed into more suitable beach ware in the changing rooms.
"Ahh; that sea breeze is so refreshing" said Miya, her should length hair lightly fluttering about. "Yes, it certainly beats that clogged up city air" replied Sam, who's short hair didn't move a single bit.
Karen sneezed loudly, and her hair fell infront of her face. She reached up and moved it out the way with a single move of her hands.
Okay BZee. Here is the thing. The long bit you wrote was long. Just come out and say it. I know you might want to use a bunch of flowery language, but seriously, get to the point already. It's so long and depressing. I lost interest not even halfway through and my thought was 'darnit, I'm not even halfway through'. Edit it down some.
Furthermore, always start off with hook of some sort. Some action. Some humor. Something that will draw the audience in. Not some deep philosophical stuff we lack the context for.
Actually, this thing is only about two pages typed.
Anyway, I can understand why this particular bit isn't very interesting or just seems to drone on and on - because this isn't the whole bit.
This is actually the second part of a three part bit I'm currently still working on - and the reason why I posted this second bit instead of the whole thing was because I was trying to see if anybody would get what I was aiming for.
Obviously, I've failed and need to go back to the drawing board.
To explain exactly what this is, this is a second "chapter" in a story about a writer who has seemingly landed into his own book - which is depressing, dark and full of twisted things (or at least I'm aiming for it). The theme here is powerlessness - since the writer cannot interfere even in his own work even though he knows everything.
The first bit has the same spiel of information technology, except that it branches off into a lamentation of how people don't really read that much anymore - and the magic of being sucked into the world of a good book seems to be nothing more than a memory these days, and features a small scene between the writer and ghostly being on the outskirts of a major battle that ends in absolute destruction for all parties involved when the spell finishes (it literally takes the blood that has been soaked into the ground over the course of the battle, atomizes it and wipes everything out within the vicinity of the spell)
This bit right here is obviously not set in this fictional book world, but in a real-world (fictitious) hospital, and is an attempt to tie in both "worlds".
The observer in this bit, the "friend" is in actuality the same person in the hospital bed which is why the distinction between "my friend's family" to calling them as if they were his own is being switched.
As to what I was aiming for, I was trying to see how well people would pick up on this particular distinction.
But like I said - if this many people can't get it, BACK TO THE DRAWING BOARD!
See, you needed the first chapter to make the context clear. I'm not going to say this is a failure, but think back to my run-on sentence.
Start at the beginning. Unless you are an experienced writer or director, the beginning is the best place to start. People like Quentin Tarantino can tell a story in reverse. An amateur or new writer rarely has the skill to pull something like that off.
I've tried something like that in my Trek collection where the mysterious crate is delivered as a hook, then we get the briefing backstory on the delivery, then we cut back to the Captain discussing the delivery with one of the crew. In this case however, the delivery was the start of the action however.
So try posting the first section to your story, then this, then the resolution. Without this needed context, your bit came off as a sad story about someone dying in a hospital written by a well read middle schooler.
So try posting the first section to your story, then this, then the resolution. Without this needed context, your bit came off as a sad story about someone dying in a hospital written by a well read middle schooler.
Comments
Interesting concept for a thread. I've had an FF.net account I've been thinking of putting to good use sometimes, seeing as I've got extended weekends soon. As for the Star Trek idea, you might want to think of doing it somewhere else other than this forum. For some reason ST stories and RP's TANK in STO lol.
Or perhaps that was just because of Dawson?
Still, let's not do it for the stats, let's do it for the sake of writing!
Besides, who knows? Maybe we'll write something that Cryptic or CBS might want to use.
ALthough...given the EULA, that might not work as well as I would hope. Who knows?
It would be nice to see some story ideas of theirs inspired by our RP's. I wonder if they ever read them, even. Who knows, perhaps they're taking bets on who's going to die next in our respective threads lol.
My stories are rather light hearted, featuring some unlikely scenarios like a fist-fight with a giant mouse.
But they are also an interesting evolution of Star Trek. A large part of the cast is aliens. And many of the humans in the series are from planets besides Earth.
The Captain is from the colony New Essex. The Chief Engineer is from Alpha Centauri (but has never been to Federation Hall, the place where the Federation was formed).
And even the aliens themselves are often from colony planets. The second officer is a Romulan from a colony planet. Likewise for the security officer. Smaller Federation members are also present. One of the enlisted personal is from Gideon for example.
It represents an evolving Star Trek. A newer generation if you will.
Like the reason my char's bio includes such a ridiculous notion with four Orion cadets and the partially mentioned Kobayashi Maru incident which requires three admirals with gamma-level clearance to view.
Should be fun doing a collab.
My Fed Tac officer's Bio is basically the extent of how much I get writtern at one time, mostly cause of the biography limit we have. The biography I wrote for Walt is about half written because of that.
< once wrote a 12 page "short story" that was supposed to be 2 pages, and could've been a hell of a lot longer.
I wrote a 2 page run on sentence once for creative writing. The assignment was to come up with a terrible beginning sentence for a story.
Our story, like so many ones before in ages past, begins at the logical starting point of beginning at beginning of the story because starting elsewhere, such as the middle or near the end of the story, while sometimes being creatively and artistically done will often leave the reader in a state of confusion and befuddlement over the events that had to have transpired to bring the protagonists to their current state in the story they, the reader, are now involved in but the author must also be aware of not starting too far at the beginning such as the big bang or a bit further down the road such as with the dinosaurs no matter how tempting the desire to write a story starting with the dinosaurs may be such a fantastic story would no doubt draw attention away from the story the reader is trying to tell and often has little to do with the protagonist and his friends unless the story actually does involve dinosaurs in which case starting with the dinosaurs would be a sensible way to begin the story and lead into the main plotline of the story, so the author would probably start his story at the beginning of relevant time of the protagonists such as when they were born although unless the birth itself is exceptional such a start can be a pratfall of itself by starting too soon and forcing the author to deal with the early life of the hero which cannot always be dismissed as readily as one, two, three, and thus beginning at the relevant starting point of the story is where most good stories begin which this story will be attempting to emulate in it's beginning the story at the beginning of the relevant events that are detailed in the story and will when the need to explain events that happened before the story began arises will flashed back to those events where necessary so that we can start the story at a time-tested and logical starting point, namely the beginning.
I did quite well on that assignment.
What story you writing?
And, at the moment, I think I should probably start by throwing out ideas (although I'm omitting the one I had regarding mixing PR and ST...*shudders*
A ship full of cadets stuck in the middle of an unplanned fight
A story following several cadets through Starfleet (this was actually a joint idea I had with TheLastTest - haven't touched it in a while)
And taht's all I can think of atm.
Story One
Story Two (unfinished, but I'm working on Chapter Eight when I have the time...which isn't often)
Begins here:
There comes a time in a persons life when one begins to wonder about their sanity, which as most people will tell you means youre obviously not INsane because you recognize it.
I on the other hand, dont believe that especially when youve switched between another world and the real world so many times the barriers between worlds break down.
Lets face it reality is relative.
Facts may be the same no matter how you call it, but a lot of things society deems acceptable and normal depends entirely on the society itself. Nowadays with better information technology students are retaining less information and retrieving more of it from the internet and with the advent of smart phones and smaller computers, people are becoming more and more reliant on it.
Information is much easier to access and retrieve thanks to its light-speed transfer rate. News on the other side of the globe can be heard all over the planet just moments after somebody gets wind of it.
Thanks to this increase in the information exchange rate, technological advances are becoming commonplace. New products featuring new technology are often becoming outdated within six months of their release.
This of course has lead to new advances in law enforcement, and also to unfortunately, crime.
And despite all of these advances, one thing that hasnt changed is that crime still exists and the system that processes this entire thing still takes a long time.
Some say that the scales of justice take time to balance. Whether or not you believe that to be true, or whether or not you believe in the system one fact still remains painfully clear no matter how much people wish it werent the case.
Victims will still be scarred, and the damage done, permanent.
That was painfully clear as I watched my friend have a seizure on the hospital bed as the medical staff hustled frantically, barking out orders left and right.
Ill never forget that moment.
Mom was a complete mess as Dad tried to keep a strong front, reminding her about how strong their son was having gone through four years in high school at the New Metro Military Academy.
Their other son was simply watching through the window, speechless. Nothing had to be said; he knew his brother well. The last thing hed want was to know his entire family was hanging on every word of every breath the doctors were telling them in hope of good news. He never did understand the whole mourning thing since death was inevitable. It wasnt something you could forestall.
Why cry over something that was inevitable?
Better to accept the fact and instead of mourning over the loss of somebody, celebrate the life they had.
Because in the end while immortality sounded like the ultimate wish, it was not only one of the most horrible things anybody could have happen to them, it was also a very overpowered plot device which made it very tricky to use right.
Oh sure when one thinks of immortality everybody thinks of being all powerful and being able to do everything they ever dreamed about but never could do out of fear.
But when you get the chance to live forever, unless you have somebody you can share that with your entire life will be just watching friends and family come into the world as a brand spanking new baby only to leave again.
As I watched next to my brother with baited breath, I sighed in relief as my friend finally stabilized, his seizures stopping and his heart monitor steadying. The look on the doctors faces was hopeful, which was always a good thing.
The best news they had to give though was when the police had finally gotten around to talking to the family about what had happened.
According to them, the other guy was much worse off than their son was. As an added bonus, they were bestowing upon him a monetary bonus for catching a wanted cop-killer. While it wasnt the same as knowing that their son would pull through cleanly, it was a small bit of good news to put them at ease for the moment.
It was really heart warming over the next few days when news had finally spread outside of the family to his friends. Some of them had immediately dropped what they were doing and went straight away the moment they got the call, even if they were two or three states away.
The rest of his friends in the area would filter in eventually one or two at a time, offering what words of comfort they could. Even the rest of his graduating class had gotten wind of it and were sending their own messages of comfort, some offering to help in any way they possibly could despite being half a world away.
And somehow, even through all of this hopefulness, I couldnt help but sigh.
I couldnt explain it I just had this indescribable feeling in my gut, but I just couldnt voice it. It didnt matter if I screamed it or wrote it, it just wouldnt sink in.
He was going to die on that bed after a long, arduous struggle, and there was nothing anybody could do to stop it.
But because society tells us that good and unexpected things can happen, they held onto that hope that their son/friend would eventually pull through despite the current situation. Never mind that he had slipped into a coma or that the doctors estimated it would be some time before he would ever wake up again they had decided they would pull through.
All of us.
EDIT: Mine.
There comes a time in a persons life when one begins to wonder about their life and sanity, which as most people will tell you means youre obviously not insane because you recognize it. I, on the other hand, dont believe that especially when youve switched between your world and the real world so many times the barriers between worlds break down.
Lets face it reality is relative.
Facts may be the same no matter how you call it, but a lot of things society deems acceptable and normal depends entirely on the society itself; who is in it, how it functions, its situation.
Nowadays with better information technology students are retaining less information and retrieving more of it from the internet and with the advent of smart phones and smaller computers, people are becoming more and more reliant on it.
Information is much easier to access and retrieve thanks to its light-speed transfer rate. News on the other side of the globe can be heard all over the planet just moments after somebody gets wind of it. Thanks to this increase in the information exchange rate, technological advances are becoming commonplace. New products featuring new technology are often becoming outdated within six months of their release.
This of course has lead to new advances in law enforcement, and also to unfortunately, crime. And despite all of these advances, one thing that hasnt changed is that crime still exists and the system that processes this entire thing still takes a long time.
Some say that the scales of justice take time to balance. Whether or not you believe that to be true, or whether or not you believe in the system one fact still remains painfully clear no matter how much people wish it werent the case.
Victims will still be scarred, and the damage done, permanent. That was painfully clear as I watched my friend have a seizure on the hospital bed as the medical staff hustled frantically, barking out orders left and right.
Ill never forget that moment when it happened.
Mom was a complete mess as Dad tried to keep a strong front, reminding her about how strong their son was having gone through four years in high school at the New Metro Military Academy.
Their other son was simply watching through the window, speechless. Nothing had to be said; he knew his brother well. The last thing hed want was to know his entire family was hanging on every word of every breath the doctors were telling them in hope of good news. He never did understand the whole mourning thing since death was inevitable. It wasnt something you could forestall.
Why cry over something that was inevitable?
Better to accept the fact and instead of mourning over the loss of somebody, celebrate the life they had. Because in the end, while immortality sounded like the ultimate wish, it was not only one of the most horrible things anybody could have happen to them, it was also a very overpowered plot device which made it very tricky to use right.
Oh sure when one thinks of immortality everybody thinks of being all powerful and being able to do everything they ever dreamed about but never could do out of fear. But when you get the chance to live forever, unless you have somebody you can share that with your entire life will be just watching friends and family come into the world as a brand spanking new baby only to leave again several decades later. Better to live a short life as a tiger than a long one as a worm, right?
As I watched next to my brother with baited breath, I sighed in relief as he finally stabilized, his seizures stopping and his heart monitor steadying. The look on the doctors faces was hopeful, which was always a good thing. The best news they had to give though was when the police had finally gotten around to talking to the family about what had happened.
According to them, the other guy was much worse off than their son was. As an added bonus, they were bestowing upon him a monetary bonus for catching a wanted serial cop-killer. While it wasnt the same as knowing that their son would pull through cleanly, it was a small bit of good news to put them at ease for the moment.
It was really heart warming over the next few days when news had finally spread outside of the family to his friends. Some of them had immediately dropped what they were doing and went straight away the moment they got the call, even if they were two or three states away.
The rest of his friends in the area would filter in eventually one or two at a time, offering what words of comfort they could. Even the rest of his graduating class had gotten wind of it and were sending their own messages of comfort, some offering to help in any way they possibly could despite being half a world away.
And, that night, those who knew him raised glasses to him in the hope hed pull through.
And somehow, even through all of this hopefulness, I couldnt help but sigh. I couldnt explain it I just had this indescribable feeling in my gut, but I just couldnt voice it. It didnt matter if I screamed it or wrote it, it just wouldnt sink in. He was going to die on that bed after a long, arduous, uphill struggle, and there was nothing anybody could do to stop it.
But because society tells us that good and unexpected things can happen, they held onto that hope that their son/friend would eventually pull through despite the current situation, no matter how bleak. Never mind that he had slipped into a coma or that the doctors couldnt estimated how long it would be before he would wake up again they had decided he would pull through.
What I need is what you think of it from the content - like what do you think's happening, that kind of thing.
It was dark. Really dark; though the light was slowly getting bigger. And bigger. And bigger. Then they burst out into it.
"It's beautiful" remarked Karen, looking out over the ocean after their camper van left the tunnel. "I've never seen such vistas"
It was a warm, summers day as Karen, a 27 year old teacher, and her friends, Miya, her 19 year old student friend, and Samual, |Miya's father and a fellow teacher of Karen, travelled through Rosland on their way to the beach. The road clinged to the coast tighly as jutted in and out, revealing not only stunning views and hidden cottages, but also sudden drops and golden, sandy beaches.
To their left; the coast, with ships way out in the distance; and to their right, a 'chocolate box' countryside, filled with crops and grazing animals. But ahead of them was their goal; Mantio beach, some 3 miles of perfect golden beach, sparingly littered with rocks, but also with plants, providing a utopia for rock pools and coastal birds.
As they pulled up, they noticed that the beach was quite empty; they would be able to enjoy themselves without having to worry about others. Sam set about putting up the windbreak and sunshade, as Karen and Miya changed into more suitable beach ware in the changing rooms.
"Ahh; that sea breeze is so refreshing" said Miya, her should length hair lightly fluttering about. "Yes, it certainly beats that clogged up city air" replied Sam, who's short hair didn't move a single bit.
Karen sneezed loudly, and her hair fell infront of her face. She reached up and moved it out the way with a single move of her hands.
Furthermore, always start off with hook of some sort. Some action. Some humor. Something that will draw the audience in. Not some deep philosophical stuff we lack the context for.
Anyway, I can understand why this particular bit isn't very interesting or just seems to drone on and on - because this isn't the whole bit.
This is actually the second part of a three part bit I'm currently still working on - and the reason why I posted this second bit instead of the whole thing was because I was trying to see if anybody would get what I was aiming for.
Obviously, I've failed and need to go back to the drawing board.
To explain exactly what this is, this is a second "chapter" in a story about a writer who has seemingly landed into his own book - which is depressing, dark and full of twisted things (or at least I'm aiming for it). The theme here is powerlessness - since the writer cannot interfere even in his own work even though he knows everything.
The first bit has the same spiel of information technology, except that it branches off into a lamentation of how people don't really read that much anymore - and the magic of being sucked into the world of a good book seems to be nothing more than a memory these days, and features a small scene between the writer and ghostly being on the outskirts of a major battle that ends in absolute destruction for all parties involved when the spell finishes (it literally takes the blood that has been soaked into the ground over the course of the battle, atomizes it and wipes everything out within the vicinity of the spell)
This bit right here is obviously not set in this fictional book world, but in a real-world (fictitious) hospital, and is an attempt to tie in both "worlds".
The observer in this bit, the "friend" is in actuality the same person in the hospital bed which is why the distinction between "my friend's family" to calling them as if they were his own is being switched.
As to what I was aiming for, I was trying to see how well people would pick up on this particular distinction.
But like I said - if this many people can't get it, BACK TO THE DRAWING BOARD!
Thanks to all who read it and for your feedback.
Start at the beginning. Unless you are an experienced writer or director, the beginning is the best place to start. People like Quentin Tarantino can tell a story in reverse. An amateur or new writer rarely has the skill to pull something like that off.
I've tried something like that in my Trek collection where the mysterious crate is delivered as a hook, then we get the briefing backstory on the delivery, then we cut back to the Captain discussing the delivery with one of the crew. In this case however, the delivery was the start of the action however.
So try posting the first section to your story, then this, then the resolution. Without this needed context, your bit came off as a sad story about someone dying in a hospital written by a well read middle schooler.
Hm - that means I still have a lot work to do.