Fan fiction. Chapter one.

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Diseased - Dreamweaver
Diseased - Dreamweaver Posts: 10 Arc User
edited December 2009 in The Fanatics Forum
Yes, I'm writing fan fiction. I hope no one minds. This story is about a female wizard that gave herself the nickname Raven. Okay lets start with the story!
_Chapter 1 Confusion. ________________________________________________________________
Heya! My name is Raven. I'm 14. I have long black hair that goes down to the ground, yellow eyes and peach skin. "Ahh Lets go for a walk. " I said. "Hydro Lisa Beverly ! You know your not aloud to go for walks after midnight!" My step mom said "Stop calling me by my real name "mom"! Its annoying! And i hate that name!" I replied. "You better not be sneaking out with your blademaster friend again!" "Hes dangerous!" My step mom said "Oh shut up Silvea." I said. Then my dad came in "Don't call you mother Silvea!" he said "Shes my STEP Mother, Dad." Yep I hate family fights. "That's it I'm leaving" I said "Where are you going to go?" my mom and dad said "Plume." I said "From Etherblade?!? Hah!" My mom and dad said. My mom had silver eyes and light blue hair my dad had brown eyes and brown hair. "Yep. Buh bye." I said. That was the last I saw of them. Then a whisper called my name "Raven..." Now I was scared a bit. It called again "Raven.." "Yes?" I said agitated and terrified "Come here.." It seemed to control me so It made me walk over to it "Uh oh.." It was a wraith..Who could suck souls out?!? "Your mine." It had a sort of high pitched voice but low at the same time..It looked like a see through snake with a crown on its head. "Hmm..Wizards might be tasty.." She sucked my soul out. That was the last of me.
________________________________________________________________
"What a nice day! Sanctuary Is the nicest place in the world!" Wait a minute wasn't I In Etherblade? Hm..Wait a minute I have a fox tail..And ears?!? This wasn't right. My eyes are blue now..With brown hair..Hmm..Things were not right wasn't I a wizard?!? Then a winged elf archer came "Hey Mystic." My name wasn't Mystic!!! "Who's Mystic?" I said "You. Is something wrong?" He looked concerned "Whats your name?" I said "Dracon." "How do you not know me?!?" He said. "I'm confused." I said "I have to go." I looked like I was 17 in this body. Then something hit me BAM! Memories hit me hard. Dracon.. The owner of this body was In love with him..I have to get this body to the owner! Unless..Shes in my body..A drop of confusion went down my cheek b:shocked ________________________________________________________________________________________
I will make more tomorrow or the next day. ^-^
Post edited by Diseased - Dreamweaver on

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  • Diseased - Dreamweaver
    Diseased - Dreamweaver Posts: 10 Arc User
    edited November 2009
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    Yes, I'm writing fan fiction. I hope no one minds. This story is about a female wizard that gave herself the nickname Raven. Okay lets start with the story!
    _Chapter 2 Oh! I get it now! ________________________________________________________________
    *Shifts the story so Raven Isn't telling it* Raven was very confused. "I'm a fox girl?!?" She said. Lets see what Mystic is doing!
    __________________________________________________________________
    "Where am i?" "Hello!" "Dracon?!" Mystic was terrified. She was now in a very dark area. She was still in Raven's body though. "Dracon you better not be playing a trick on me!" She screamed. "Don't make me get Jesse!" Jesse was her brother. He was a wolf barbarian with red eyes. Then the same wraith appeared. "Raven." "Your here now." She said "Who's Raven?" said Mystic "It didn't do body change again, Did it?" she sighed. Then memories hit Mystic. "You'll do for my information" she hissed. Mystic then thought that Raven's life was hers. "Wheres Silvea and my dad!" She said "Little child." "They aren't your family." "They're hers." Said the snake like creature. "Oh...I get it now." Said Mystic.
  • Diseased - Dreamweaver
    Diseased - Dreamweaver Posts: 10 Arc User
    edited November 2009
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    Yes i'm writing fan fiction. I hope nobody minds. Now on with the story!

    Chapter 3 Shes the daughter?
    __________________________________________________________________
    "Now, Mystic. We will go find my daughter." Hissed the snake creature. "I obey." said Mystic. "What's that?!?" said Mystic. Red fire magic came from the tips of her fingers and hit a bush "Ow!" said Raven. "Are you trying to kill me?!?" She said. "Sorry.." said Mystic. "Sorry?!?" Hissed the creature then smacked Mystic upside the head. "Never say sorry!" the creature screeched. "Wait a minute.." "Raven?" said the creature <Uh oh..I gotta run away.> Raven thought. Then Raven sprinted away and turned into a fox to get faster on her feet. "Woo hoo! I love this form!" she said. "Mystic! After her! We cannot afford losing my daughter!" Screamed the creature. "Your daughter?" said Mystic. Surprised she listened. "Yes. Raven is my daughter." the creature said calmly. "Hey don't sit down we have work to do!" the creature screeched. "Oh sorry." Mystic said. Mystic got up. "After her!" said the creature. "What are you?" said Mystic. "I'm the queen wraith, or the wrath wraith." "Whatever you want to call me." Said the creature. "Wait Isn't wrath like spreading wrath on people?" said Mystic. "You play to many computer games." Said the snake wraith *Hey that rhymes* "What's a computer game?" said Mystic. "Your in one!!" said the wraith queen. "What?" said Mystic confused. "Never mind." said the wraith queen. "Let's go get that girl!" said the wraith queen.
  • Diseased - Dreamweaver
    Diseased - Dreamweaver Posts: 10 Arc User
    edited December 2009
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    Yes, I'm writing fan fiction. I hope no one minds. This story is about a female wizard that gave herself the nickname Raven. Okay lets start with the story!
    _Chapter 4 Left for dead. __________________________________________________________________
    Jesse was running beside Raven (Raven was still in Mystic's body) "Mystic what are you running from?!?" He said. He looked concerned. "Mystic isn't here anymore Jesse!" said Raven. The wraith queen and Mystic were getting closer. A big black panther looked like it was flying toward them looking like it was about to hit them.."JESSE!" said Raven and moved him out of the way. But... she wasn't fast enough to jump out of the way herself. "OW!" said Raven. Raven was bruised by that panther. The ground started getting closer and closer.. BAM! She hit the ground. "Mystic!" said Jesse. Jesse's eyes were turning red. He skin began to turn white with stripes. his feet started turning bright glittery orange. Raven passed out before his transformation was done "NEVER!" "TOUCH!" "MY!" "SISTER!" He screeched and attacked Mystic and the wraith queen. Of course, His soul got taken away "JESSE!" said Mystic. "You!" she said to the wraith "You witch!!!!" she started using dark magic on the wraith but it only healed her. "Silly child." said the queen wraith. "Come Raven." "We have much work to do." The wraith smiled evily. Raven and the queen wraith both dissapeared before Mystic could snatch Raven away from the queen wraith. <Great. Just great. I'm left for dead.> thought Raven.
  • Grippieluver - Lost City
    Grippieluver - Lost City Posts: 9,807 Arc User
    edited December 2009
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    b:confused It seemz really good, but I cant really understand it that well
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]Thankiez to Dorset for the sig!

    MagicHamsta will remain in our hearts forever

    P.S. I am a female venomancer ^^ I know it's rare, isn't it?
  • Diseased - Dreamweaver
    Diseased - Dreamweaver Posts: 10 Arc User
    edited December 2009
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    Like you can't understand the story itself or just the lines are to close? Cause if its the lines I can fix it if its just the story then ill try to describe it to you. I'm sorry your confused.
  • AnroKi - Sanctuary
    AnroKi - Sanctuary Posts: 50 Arc User
    edited December 2009
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    Not bad for a begining, but....
    1) I advise you to seperate dialoges with enter ^^
    ["Don't call you mother Silvea!" he said.
    "Shes my STEP Mother, Dad." Yep I hate family fights.
    "That's it I'm leaving" I said.
    "Where are you going to go?" my mom and dad said.
    "Plume." I said.
    "From Etherblade?!? Hah!"] - as example ^^ makes it easier to understand who is saying what ^^
    2)You are rushing things way too much. Bring in some descriptions of places, feeling, sights. A bit more colorful vocabluary won't hurt either ^^ Not just "text"she said. "text"he said. "text"she said etc.]
    For now it seems just like a lineout for something bigger, first draft for a story. Rushed, simple and plain. Nothing too much worth reading ^^
    3)Give us more explenations. Not simply retold story, but bring in something more. some more action, some more feeling. [eh, not good with explaining things in english><].

    My suggestion - try writing more ^^ Try reading more good quality stories and then write more. The more you write, better you became.
    As for now - continue ^^ LOTR wasn't written in one day XD
    [SIGPIC]http://pwi-forum.perfectworld.com/image.php?type=sigpic&userid=1596892002&dateline=1259463844[/SIGPIC]
  • Kniraven - Lost City
    Kniraven - Lost City Posts: 2,620 Arc User
    edited December 2009
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    Its pretty cool. I'd suggest spacing out some of it a bit more to it looks less like a wall of text though. :)
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
  • Lairian - Sanctuary
    Lairian - Sanctuary Posts: 8,209 Arc User
    edited December 2009
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    In addition to what everyone else has already told you, try focusing more on one character at a time rather then switching between them and just telling us who's in who and expecting the reader to get it. Since your switching from character to character, you really need to make them very, very different. Right now, they seem kinda similar for some reason (that could just be me though). You might try writing it out in a word processor (or even by hand), seeing how everything looks, then make changes. Then try reading it out loud to yourself, and make some more changes. Then you can present it to others. Then make more changes. Yeah, there's a lot of changes being made in the writing writing process (I'm not a big fan of that part with my writing for some reason, but it is necessarily). Good luck on future drafts though.
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]
    Be nice to people
  • Diseased - Dreamweaver
    Diseased - Dreamweaver Posts: 10 Arc User
    edited December 2009
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    Kniraven - Lost City wrote: »
    Its pretty cool. I'd suggest spacing out some of it a bit more to it looks less like a wall of text though. :)
    Okay ill do that b:cute
  • Diseased - Dreamweaver
    Diseased - Dreamweaver Posts: 10 Arc User
    edited December 2009
    Options
    Lairian - Sanctuary wrote: »
    In addition to what everyone else has already told you, try focusing more on one character at a time rather then switching between them and just telling us who's in who and expecting the reader to get it. Since your switching from character to character, you really need to make them very, very different. Right now, they seem kinda similar for some reason (that could just be me though). You might try writing it out in a word processor (or even by hand), seeing how everything looks, then make changes. Then try reading it out loud to yourself, and make some more changes. Then you can present it to others. Then make more changes. Yeah, there's a lot of changes being made in the writing writing process (I'm not a big fan of that part with my writing for some reason, but it is necessarily). Good luck on future drafts though.
    Ill try to make them more different.b:thanks
  • Diseased - Dreamweaver
    Diseased - Dreamweaver Posts: 10 Arc User
    edited December 2009
    Options
    Yes I'm writing fan fiction. I hope no one minds b:cute Now on with the story!
    Chapter 5 Psycho._______________________________________________________________
    <Hmm..I have an idea!> thought Raven. "Raven dear.." "Your cut." <What?!?> <Dumb snake witch thing with her powers> Raven was bleeding..
    Raven and the snake wraith appeared at Etherblade again.. Was this even Etherblade? thought Raven "Hey wraith!" said Raven. "Guess what!" "What?" said the Wraith. "Catch!" Raven tried doing one of her fire spells..But it failed because she was still in Mystic's body.

    *New person*
    "Hey!" said Jason. He was saying hey to almost every girl in Archosaur. "I sense something wrong.." Nobody was even saying "Go away" to him. Everyone except Jason there had white eyes. Jason has hazel eyes brown short hair and kinda pale skin. He dissapeared then reappeared next to the queen wraith and Raven. "WHOA!" Jason said surprised. "You look totally wtf awesome!" he pointed at the wraith. The wraith tried to suck his soul out. But he resisted. "Hmm..Interesting." said the queen wraith. "It seems you have no soul."
    "Your right I don't! It got sucked out years ago. But who cares right?" Raven put her hand on her head [Facepalm] "Psycho." she said.
  • Grippieluver - Lost City
    Grippieluver - Lost City Posts: 9,807 Arc User
    edited December 2009
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    Grippieluver - Lost City wrote: »
    b:confused It seemz really good, but I cant really understand it that well
    Diseased - Dreamweaver wrote: »
    Like you can't understand the story itself or just the lines are to close? Cause if its the lines I can fix it if its just the story then ill try to describe it to you. I'm sorry your confused.
    AnroKi - Sanctuary wrote: »
    Not bad for a begining, but....
    1) I advise you to seperate dialoges with enter ^^
    ["Don't call you mother Silvea!" he said.
    "Shes my STEP Mother, Dad." Yep I hate family fights.
    "That's it I'm leaving" I said.
    "Where are you going to go?" my mom and dad said.
    "Plume." I said.
    "From Etherblade?!? Hah!"] - as example ^^ makes it easier to understand who is saying what ^^
    2)You are rushing things way too much. Bring in some descriptions of places, feeling, sights. A bit more colorful vocabluary won't hurt either ^^ Not just "text"she said. "text"he said. "text"she said etc.]
    For now it seems just like a lineout for something bigger, first draft for a story. Rushed, simple and plain. Nothing too much worth reading ^^
    3)Give us more explenations. Not simply retold story, but bring in something more. some more action, some more feeling. [eh, not good with explaining things in english><].

    My suggestion - try writing more ^^ Try reading more good quality stories and then write more. The more you write, better you became.
    As for now - continue ^^ LOTR wasn't written in one day XD

    bassically what he said would help the confusion, sry I'm so picky lolz
    [SIGPIC][/SIGPIC]Thankiez to Dorset for the sig!

    MagicHamsta will remain in our hearts forever

    P.S. I am a female venomancer ^^ I know it's rare, isn't it?

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