What to say to Auntie? Family issue

Hey guys,

First, sorry for ranting. Secondly, sorry for the grammar problem if any. I really want your advice. I know the post is kind of long, but you don’t have to read the whole post to get the point. Thank you, thank you.

So my aunt and I always have a decent but not super close relationship. I am currently a undergraduate student and her daughter, Elisa, is going to be a high school senior next fall. Since 3 years ago, there was an emerging tension that grew between my family and her.

My aunt is a very competitive person. Business type. She wants her daughter to be top student, etc. I’m Chinese, if that matters. My aunt would say stuffs to me as if she is trying to show me that Elisa is “better” than the rest of us cousins.

For example, she wants Elisa to look prettier than my older female cousin. She wants Elisa to be smarter and taller than me. She used to demand Elisa to compare heights with me to see if Elisa has grown taller. She stopped doing it now because she knows that won’t be coming true any time soon (lol).

Since two year back, she keeps asking me about college scholarships on a on-and-off basis. This is understandable because my aunt want Elisa to be prepared for all the debts that will come with attending a university. However, the frequency of her asking me the EXACT SAME QUESTIONS increased dramatically. Every time I visit her home during college break, she asks me the same questions over and over again. What, you expect me to tell you the secret for a full ride? You think I have a full ride? The prodding is getting extremely annoying. Once, I called her to say Happy New Years. After a few couple of exchanges, she went straight talking about scholarships. Like, I am here to greet you for New Years, can we leave the topic about scholarships at a more appropriate time?


One time, she directly ask me with Elisa in the room, whether or not “ Elisa is more mature than you?” That is pretty rude in my opinion because I live a completely different life and face completely different situation than my cousin. We have our own strengths, weaknesses, and limitations. Ex: I am self-motivated when it comes to academic achievements. Elisa only does her schoolwork to please her mother (tiger mom).


Also, since I am applying for graduate schools, my aunt has be hampering me about what graduate school I applying for. How many? Where? Scholarships???? Where and how many you got accepted? You know those times when you can tell someone is asking questions not for your sake but for their’s? Yup, this is one of those times. It is obvious that she does not have much concern for me, but curious about how to help Elisa. I would have been fine telling her these information if it not for the fact that I know she WILL USE IT AGAINST ME and say that Elisa is “better” than me. She also attempts to discourage me to go to the school in my dream city aka my birth city. She’s mainly doing this because she doesn’t want my mother to leave her business, as my mother is an employee.

^ That list of questions it the FIRST thing she would shoot at me when she sees me. EVERY TIME.

One more thing: Last spring break, I was at her home, teaching my grandpa how to use Safari on his ipad. She literally interrupts our conversation by saying, “ You [grandpa] stop. I want to talk to [me] about something.” RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF ME TEACHING MY GRANDFATHER.

She cannot wait? This is very disrespectful. Elisa have the whole year (HS junior right now) to look for scholarship stuffs.

During her conversation, she DEMANDS to know how much loan I have, even though I told her that I do have loans but I can pay it off. Also, she tries to find out information deceitfully by saying, “I heard from your mom that she does not pay for anything.” WHICH IS A LIE BECAUSE MY MOTHER DOES HELP ME PAY A PORTION OF MY TUITION. What do you expect me to say? Yeah, my mom doesn’t because I got a full ride??

It makes me not want to talk to her at all because school and scholarship is what she ever speaks about.


I do not have a bad relationship with Elisa. We are chill but somewhat distant (don’t do long distance communication much). I do not know what to do because she will get offended and there will be more tension in the family if I confront her about her behavior. She is good at arguing lol. I do not want competition to be the reason our family gets broken up by. My grandparents HAVE NO IDEA that a large division in the family even exist. I do not want to stress them out. They live with my aunt.

My parents told me “ never to go to my aunt’s home again.” (They live under a 5 minute walk from my home).

I want to keep a good relationship among us all. Family should be there to help each other, not to compete. To share resources so we can all be successful. However, my aunt’s behavior makes me reluctant to help Elisa to the extend I want to. It makes me hesitate to even visit. She will just brag about how Elisa is better than the rest of my cousins and me if I do that.


Advices to deal with this problem would be appreciated. Sorry again for the longgggg post and possible grammar issues.



Thank you.