I'd like to share my story.. if it's okay to post here.

itsmisfit
itsmisfit Posts: 10 Arc User
I wasn't sure where to post this exactly, looking on other parts of the forum I saw not as many people paid attention to them and I was hoping to post this somewhere where maybe someone going through the same thing can see it..

**Trigger warnings for those who are depressed/maybe worse**

I have severe depression because (my) life outside of gaming.. sucks.. a lot.. I'm posting this because I've met so many wonderful people not only on here, but also being a gamer all around. I recently found out that someone I met back in '13 has/d taken there own life from forsaken world.. and they were a really good friend of mine. Everytime I logged on I always had someone to play with, someone to talk to, and she helped me get my feet back into the game when I came back and then reality hit me when I found out because of what I've been struggling with.. "would my guild mates really feel the same?" Guildies are people you can vent to, have fun with, make friends with- hey, even find possible love with?! And one day I had broken down and discussed with them my mental struggles and how severe they were and their words made me cry.. people I've never met before, who had no obligation to care said some of the most touching things I'd ever read especially from people whom I've never met in real life.

I guess I'm posting this for myself and I've met people on here who also have a similar struggle and I'm not worried about trolls, people being mad, or honestly this getting taken down if maybe one person struggling can see this? It's taken me awhile to accept that even if you feel like no one cares, someone does. I'm 23 and still have the mental baggage of thinking like my younger self when it comes to self-worth and the people around me. Whether it's through a screen or to your face; someone, somewhere cares.. especially if they've invested the time to talk to you, bs with you, or even just say hi when you log on. Gamers are more than people sitting behind a controller, a keyboard, a handheld, whatever your platform is.. we're people. Outcasts, introverts, people with a small hobby, invested, whatever.. we're all people.

I hope maybe someone who's also depressed, struggling with anxiety, or maybe even just a little sad today, tomorrow whenever can see this and know there are people who care and people who will miss you if you were gone. It's extremely hard to admit and hard to see, maybe you don't want to see it (because I'm slightly still there) but- it is the truth.

I apologize again for posting this on general discussion and if it is to be taken down so be it. The news I had lost a friend from here hit hard and personal in so many ways that the reality is everyone on here isn't a screen, isn't pixels and isn't just a character (obviously and of course) but hearing that really sunk in that.. you never know a person's true battle over a screen and I hope that if any of my guildies are fighting this same battle they have the courage to talk to me or someone trusted if the people in their 'real life' maybe aren't there.

Take care, everyone. If you're struggling please remember someone cares.

Comments

  • vampire67576
    vampire67576 Posts: 16 Arc User
    "in so many ways that the reality is everyone on here isn't a screen, isn't pixels and isn't just a character".
    Yeah, you are right but... the person you are trying to describe is a person who does not show his/her real face. You can not say you know a person by talking with him/her in game because you will only see the beautiful part, "your friends" will be carefully to hide what they don't want others to know about them, whch is very easy in an online game.
    If you keep thinking you just met the happiness in an online game then i am sorry for you and i hope sooner or later you will have more actvities in the real life.
  • thegreyhunter
    thegreyhunter Posts: 33 Arc User
    @ itsmisfit, I'm sorry for your loss, but glad that you have found some help and comfort from your friends and fellow guildies. Too many times we see the negative side of the community in-game, but really lovely when you see the best of us working together and helping each other with genuine concern and friendship.

    @ vampire, although what you say is true, most people live behind a mask; this is true in real life just as much as it is behind an anonymous character in a game. The difference is in real life you rarely see a community spirit. Most people go though life with only a small core of close friends, and generally keep their distance when others have problems. Even though its much easier to distance yourself from people in an anonymous game, these guildies still made the effort to help someone with a real life problem and that is brilliant. That is not fake, what these people may or may not hide behind a mask is totally irrelevant, help was freely offered and given.

    That truly is an example of the best we can be, lets see more of it.

    GreyVixen
    Dragonica, Illyfue
  • thenamesdomino
    thenamesdomino Posts: 1,679 Arc User
    Well said. You know why I love doing what I do? Because at the end of the day, we are a community that, for all of our faults, when we get right down to the bottom of things, we're all people too. We love, we laugh, we cry, and we live. When things matter the most is when we shed the cloaks of he said she said and envy and jealousy and malice and come to aid because deep down we're all the same. Just a few people looking for a friendly smile from time to time.

    We're all here. Use us well.
  • itsmisfit
    itsmisfit Posts: 10 Arc User

    "in so many ways that the reality is everyone on here isn't a screen, isn't pixels and isn't just a character".

    Yeah, you are right but... the person you are trying to describe is a person who does not show his/her real face. You can not say you know a person by talking with him/her in game because you will only see the beautiful part, "your friends" will be carefully to hide what they don't want others to know about them, whch is very easy in an online game.

    If you keep thinking you just met the happiness in an online game then i am sorry for you and i hope sooner or later you will have more actvities in the real life.

    I have plenty of friends IRL I was speaking strictly on the internet/gaming because sometimes the real people who are on the internet are better than those you possibly know 'irl.'
  • itsmisfit
    itsmisfit Posts: 10 Arc User

    Well said. You know why I love doing what I do? Because at the end of the day, we are a community that, for all of our faults, when we get right down to the bottom of things, we're all people too. We love, we laugh, we cry, and we live. When things matter the most is when we shed the cloaks of he said she said and envy and jealousy and malice and come to aid because deep down we're all the same. Just a few people looking for a friendly smile from time to time.

    We're all here. Use us well.

    Exactly. One thing people outside of the gaming world don't understand is how close those in this community can be. I've shared more heart-felt moments with these "imaginary people" than I have with some people I've had in my life for 5-10 years. It's an "outcasted" community that's pulled together for decades and from being judged so much I feel many have learned not to on here and on other types of MMO/RPG's. It's rare 'irl' that you'll walk down the street and just get a hi or possibly be the initiate to it but in a game you get into a party/squad with people you've NEVER met and have a good time, good laughs and make some jokes like you've spoken to this person before. This community has more to offer than anyone outside of it realizes.
  • chibizombie89
    chibizombie89 Posts: 159 Community Moderator
    If anyone is suffering from severe depression, or having thoughts ending things, I urge you to seek help. Whether it be from friends, family, a counselor, etc. Just please seek help. I understand the pain, the fear, the anxiety. But there are people out there who care, and want to help. I just lost a friend this way a few weeks ago as well. Normally we don't post things like numbers on the forum, but in this specific case, I think it will be alright, and if not, Dom or someone can go ahead and remove it.

    If anyone needs help, the National number is 1-800-273-TALK. Life is too precious to be lost in such a way, and being a firefighter and EMT, fighting to save lives, it hurts to see people go this way. Be safe, and don't stop fighting.
    heialley_by_xchibi_zombiex-daq6r5u.jpg

    People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but actually, from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint - it's more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly, time-y wimey... stuff. - 10th Doctor

    Back from hiatus
  • thenamesdomino
    thenamesdomino Posts: 1,679 Arc User
    Fyi we're not removing this thread. Sometimes we have to take a step back and really look at things. This is an important message for the community at large. Remember, when there's nothing left, there's always hope. You are not alone, we're all right there in it with you. :)
  • ichibantheleader
    ichibantheleader Posts: 71 Arc User
    If we're on the topic of deep conversation, allow me to share my story if I may...

    I wasn't always the outgoing person I am today. I'm not saying I was mean or anything, just that I tended to shut people out unless they were someone I knew pretty well. The reason behind my barriers was being bullied constantly throughout childhood. Whether it was because I was fat, wore glasses, or simply because I took everything too seriously, I never wanted to go to school as a kid because I knew I was going to be tormented by all but a few close friends.

    It finally came to a head in my freshman year of high school when a girl a few years older than me, in a way made it her personal mission to just verbally abuse me every day. One day I snapped and took a swing at her. Even though I missed I still felt horrible for lashing out like that. Luckly I was able to keep it off of my permanent record with a few mandatory courses of anger management. But after that, I just stopped socializing with anyone other than a couple very close friends.

    When I started playing Forsaken World, to be honest I just wanted an escape from my reality. I had no idea how much of an impact it would have on the way I acted towards even complete strangers. When I joined my first guild, I was very quiet and rarely ever talked, and even then it was usually just to see if anyone had something I needed. It wasn't until my guildmates started encouraging me to talk that I started opening up and being more outgoing. I soon found my friends list full with people who, even though I may not know them in real life, will take at least a lifetime to forget.

    People on Forsaken World know me as this nice person who at the very least tried to get along with everyone. But little do they know, that I know what it's like to be bullied and I don't ever want to make people feel the way I felt for most of my childhood. If anyone ever needs a friend they can come to just blow off steam to, look for me. I'm on the Lionheart server as Theorah, or you can always send me a message on here.

    And allow me to just say thank you to everyone over at PWE. Thanks to this game, I have made friendships that will last me a lifetime.

    Now if you'll excuse me, I just dug up some old feels and now must go wash my face. :)

    PS: I act mean in World Chat, but it's to friends who know I'm just teasing. Or it's an attempt to derail arguments among other people.
  • amarantos
    amarantos Posts: 3,067 Arc User
    a very touching thread, if only it would get support at pwe to actually do something about bullying instead of just turning a blind eye (classic pwe "we'll look into it") when people submit weeks/months worth of screenshots of targeted verbal abuse :|
  • omfgpopperz
    omfgpopperz Posts: 73 Arc User
    I feel ya. I'll put it this way. I'm in my 50's. I have clinical and chronic depression (for decades), anti social tendencies, anxiety issues, that are topped off with various physical disabilities, a bad heart, ADD, cataracts, memory problems, pharmaceutical damage, and a laundry list of ailments. I've married and divorced twice. I also had the unfortunate ultimatum to make the call that resulted in the loss of my Dad. I had to move back in with my mom as I could not maintain the house I was living in. My last 2 relationships turned out to be utterly fatal, so I gave up on that.
    I rarely ever use a world flute (I used one back in August I think). I can't engage in instances that run my blood pressure up (I also have an Aneurysm on my only functional aorta), or trigger any panic issues. I usually log in and run my dailies in silence, and just vanish until the next day. I occasionally chat with my guildies, but I also have trust and commitment issues. So irl, I'm a mess, but in FW, I'm just another mediocre player that can blend into the crowd. It helps me pass the time since I can't do manual hobbies anymore. Although I'm on a fixed income, I do CS from time to time just to try to keep up. But 99% of the time, I have no inclination to involve myself in converation. I suck at small talk, and find irl friends too overwhelming.
    I'm sure there are others in similar situations, so I can totally identify. I've been told I try to '1 up' others, but in my defense, I can only say I'm not trying to out-do anyone. Just letting them know I've been through that and I'm still alive, and to quote a line from Castaway, 'All I could do is keep breathing'.
    In the long run, here's the moral to my story. Cherish your friends and friendships and enjoy the one life you are granted. Many things cannot be undone. Yet in any case, there are better and worse, That will always be. Condolences help but cannot fix things. The only thing that helps is time, and the distance it gives us from that moment of grief or sadness. It is the buffer we ride to raise us above it all. And as time passes, we can look back and see where that wave of trials has taken us. You will land at the shore of your making, so make the best of it.
  • negemaa
    negemaa Posts: 71 Arc User
    edited October 2015
    itsmisfit said:

    I wasn't sure where to post this exactly, looking on other parts of the forum I saw not as many people paid attention to them and I was hoping to post this somewhere where maybe someone going through the same thing can see it..

    **Trigger warnings for those who are depressed/maybe worse**

    I have severe depression because (my) life outside of gaming.. sucks.. a lot.. I'm posting this because I've met so many wonderful people not only on here, but also being a gamer all around. I recently found out that someone I met back in '13 has/d taken there own life from forsaken world.. and they were a really good friend of mine. Everytime I logged on I always had someone to play with, someone to talk to, and she helped me get my feet back into the game when I came back and then reality hit me when I found out because of what I've been struggling with.. "would my guild mates really feel the same?" Guildies are people you can vent to, have fun with, make friends with- hey, even find possible love with?! And one day I had broken down and discussed with them my mental struggles and how severe they were and their words made me cry.. people I've never met before, who had no obligation to care said some of the most touching things I'd ever read especially from people whom I've never met in real life.

    I guess I'm posting this for myself and I've met people on here who also have a similar struggle and I'm not worried about trolls, people being mad, or honestly this getting taken down if maybe one person struggling can see this? It's taken me awhile to accept that even if you feel like no one cares, someone does. I'm 23 and still have the mental baggage of thinking like my younger self when it comes to self-worth and the people around me. Whether it's through a screen or to your face; someone, somewhere cares.. especially if they've invested the time to talk to you, bs with you, or even just say hi when you log on. Gamers are more than people sitting behind a controller, a keyboard, a handheld, whatever your platform is.. we're people. Outcasts, introverts, people with a small hobby, invested, whatever.. we're all people.

    I hope maybe someone who's also depressed, struggling with anxiety, or maybe even just a little sad today, tomorrow whenever can see this and know there are people who care and people who will miss you if you were gone. It's extremely hard to admit and hard to see, maybe you don't want to see it (because I'm slightly still there) but- it is the truth.

    I apologize again for posting this on general discussion and if it is to be taken down so be it. The news I had lost a friend from here hit hard and personal in so many ways that the reality is everyone on here isn't a screen, isn't pixels and isn't just a character (obviously and of course) but hearing that really sunk in that.. you never know a person's true battle over a screen and I hope that if any of my guildies are fighting this same battle they have the courage to talk to me or someone trusted if the people in their 'real life' maybe aren't there.

    Take care, everyone. If you're struggling please remember someone cares.

    I Perfectly understand how you feel on this and really it hits home really hard. I struggle with depression and fought many mental battles that I felt like that I will lose myself. Sometimes people forget that behind these toons we play are living breathing humans with actual emotions. We tend to get wrapped up in a different reality to where things don't matter anymore to where the concept of how a person is outside of the game. There were many times I felt that nobody cared about me, even my own guildies. I felt like nobody understood me and how I feel, I thought the only things that they cared about is what I do on this game. As a gamer I love playing mmo's and other forms of platforms of gaming, and because of that I met wonderful people that I can call my friends, sure its different from a actual physical encounter like my irl friends, but the feelings that is what we call "humanity" is still there. When i'm at my darkest moments sometimes I can go to these lovely people and express how I feel. I'm happy you were brave and strong enough to address this and share this, many people on here feel the same and as a community I'm happy to see people can show some compassion of what is like being human beyond the game. Reality is a abstract sense, we view things for how they are but don't understand what's behind it, but at the end of it all, its what we do for ourselves and what we do for people that can make reality a singularity.
    Post edited by negemaa on
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  • melekah
    melekah Posts: 95 Arc User
    edited October 2015

    Well said. You know why I love doing what I do? Because at the end of the day, we are a community that, for all of our faults, when we get right down to the bottom of things, we're all people too. We love, we laugh, we cry, and we live. When things matter the most is when we shed the cloaks of he said she said and envy and jealousy and malice and come to aid because deep down we're all the same. Just a few people looking for a friendly smile from time to time.

    We're all here. Use us well.

    So true, but it is a game, pixtals , here many are what they want to be, but in real life they can be the total opposite. Just have fun and be cautious, not all are who they say they are. Friends are found, here and make the game so fun, but we are all only human, and like Dom said, " deep down we're all the same". :smile: Just have fun, is what it is all about :) But remember, it is a game, real life comes first, take time for it, when all is done the game will still be here as will your true ingame friends, don't let life pass you by, for those times won't always be here when you log out of the game. :smile: