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Stupid Superhero Origins
cybersoldier1981
Posts: 2,501 Arc User
First up on the list:
Cyborg!
Originally:
Victor Stone's parents were terrible human beings. When he was young, they did experiments on his brain to make him smarter, because in the Silver Age- genetically augmenting a child is less taboo than divorce.
Victor resents his parents for this, because he's the only sane person in the 1970's DC Universe, apparently. Actually, no he isn't. Using his super-genius abilities he begins to do gang stuff, make bad grades, and play sports to rebel against his parents... which makes about as much sense as dressing a child in a spandex unitard and chasing violent psychopaths every night.
Victor's parents work at S.T.A.R. labs, which apparently has the hiring ethics of Japan's Unit 731. While he's there, his parents are experimenting with dimensional travel because child endangerment isn't even a thing in the DC Universe, since no one can die anyway. However, a monster comes out and kills his mom. And then it almost kinda kills Victor Stone.
Since Victor's dad is certified to work with genetic engineering AND dimensional gateways, it would only make sense that he would be a cybersurgeon on top of this. So he turns Victor into a cyborg, despite being a genetic engineer that could probably just grow the boy some new organs and body parts.
To prove his father has the business ethics of a member of the SS and the sanity of Gary Busey, he equips his former gang-banger son with a cybernetic body and all kinds of things that shouldn't be in possession of someone who almost became a terrorist, like rocket boots and a sonic cannon.
New 52:
Victor was really good at Football. His dad wasn't at his game. Victor bypasses all the security one could expect from S.T.A.R. labs and walks in, argues with his dad, and the Mother Box that's just been tinkered with explodes and nearly kills Victor. Victor's dad takes him into a room that somehow has every technology ever and makes him into a cyborg badass, because 'every technology ever' apparently didn't include 'machine to replace body parts', which you'd think would be a thing in a place where Super-persons repeatedly beat each other through cities full of people. Also, because sometimes when you miss your kid's game, the only way to say 'I'm sorry' is 'Plasma Cannon Arm'.
Seems legit.
Cyborg!
Originally:
Victor Stone's parents were terrible human beings. When he was young, they did experiments on his brain to make him smarter, because in the Silver Age- genetically augmenting a child is less taboo than divorce.
Victor resents his parents for this, because he's the only sane person in the 1970's DC Universe, apparently. Actually, no he isn't. Using his super-genius abilities he begins to do gang stuff, make bad grades, and play sports to rebel against his parents... which makes about as much sense as dressing a child in a spandex unitard and chasing violent psychopaths every night.
Victor's parents work at S.T.A.R. labs, which apparently has the hiring ethics of Japan's Unit 731. While he's there, his parents are experimenting with dimensional travel because child endangerment isn't even a thing in the DC Universe, since no one can die anyway. However, a monster comes out and kills his mom. And then it almost kinda kills Victor Stone.
Since Victor's dad is certified to work with genetic engineering AND dimensional gateways, it would only make sense that he would be a cybersurgeon on top of this. So he turns Victor into a cyborg, despite being a genetic engineer that could probably just grow the boy some new organs and body parts.
To prove his father has the business ethics of a member of the SS and the sanity of Gary Busey, he equips his former gang-banger son with a cybernetic body and all kinds of things that shouldn't be in possession of someone who almost became a terrorist, like rocket boots and a sonic cannon.
New 52:
Victor was really good at Football. His dad wasn't at his game. Victor bypasses all the security one could expect from S.T.A.R. labs and walks in, argues with his dad, and the Mother Box that's just been tinkered with explodes and nearly kills Victor. Victor's dad takes him into a room that somehow has every technology ever and makes him into a cyborg badass, because 'every technology ever' apparently didn't include 'machine to replace body parts', which you'd think would be a thing in a place where Super-persons repeatedly beat each other through cities full of people. Also, because sometimes when you miss your kid's game, the only way to say 'I'm sorry' is 'Plasma Cannon Arm'.
Seems legit.
Post edited by cybersoldier1981 on
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Comments
One of my favorites is Kangaroo.
This is a guy who has the ability to jump really high. Cool superpower, right?
Nope, it's not a superpower. He got his abilities by living amongst kangaroos and eating what they ate. Tada! A villain is born.
Well what do you expect...he's a DC character!
admittedly I didn't know his origin... my only exposure yo Cyborg was from re-runs of the superfriends and the much later teen titans cartoon.(he was also one of the guys standing around in the issue where doomsday killed superman, I remember that.)
Of course you'll find no shortage of silly origins in comics, regardless of publisher.
However for me that's all part of the fun!
Oh no. There's worse.
The Black Condor.
He was raised by Mongolian Condors and because of this, he LEARNED TO FLY.
And he learned English from a French monk.
Take that, Superboy Prime Reality-punch.
Technically, he kinda is. Tail end of it, but for real Silver Age.
If I had a nickel for every awful DC story, character, or idea- I'd be able to pay off the National Debt and finance three space programs.
DC made some REALLY good characters, too. Don't get me wrong. But the problem I see, at least in my opinion- is that DC keeps trying to focus too much in one character, or one writer- and they let the other characters slip and the writers for those characters get lazy... while Morrison does a bong hit with Monster Island weed with Enriche Bong Water and writes some absurd crap that no one can recover from, therefore a reboot NEEDS to happen.
Fun fact. I like Deathstroke better than Deadpool, and someone once hit me over this.
See? That's what happens when you take away the Comics Code. Juveniles get delinquent.
/RUNAWAY
Honestly, I kind of like Deadpool as a supporting character- and only that. I think he's decent if someone can work him into a group.
But, I'll say this- Hardcore Deadpool fans and Hardcore DBZ fans have one thing in common with me-
I've never met one that I'd trust with anything more dangerous than a boiled egg. I've never met one I'd consider intelligent. Seriously, I've sat and listened to people go on about DBZ and Deadpool that are fanboys- and I couldn't help it, every time, I was always asking myself 'Can this person even read?'
Am I saying all DBZ/Modern Deadpool fans are stupid? Not at all. I've just never met anything but stupid ones so far.
Superman is dead. I mean for really dead, like they had a funeral and everything, not "nobody's seen him for two days, let's declare him dead." (Yeah, sure, he got better later, but that's comics for you - nobody really believed DC was going to kill off one of their two biggest cash cows.)
So, those fine folks at the Cadmus Project get a wild idea - let's clone him! Using a tissue sample that for some reason they just got around to analyzing, they found out that Kryptonians have three-strand DNA (not even sure that works, but whatever, he's an alien, let's go with it). And for some reason, their cloning technique, which works so well each of the scientists there has his own little clone running around, won't work on it. So, they have a partial success - but have to somehow "blend" it with human DNA. (Keep in mind that, in the words of Larry Niven, a human is more closely related to an ear of corn than to Kal-El.) So, they get kind of a clone of Supes - but for some reason, it's not developing any powers.
Their solution? Let's "expose" him to the "mental field" of an alien telepath. Dub's an alien, Kal's an alien - it's going to give him powers, obviously. And what's he get? Of course, superstrength from one gene donor plus the presence of a telepath adds up to zero-range psychokinesis. :rolleyes:
There's some nice Iron Age superhero origin for ya...
- David Brin, "Those Eyes"
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how does she learn languages? she kisses people.
hmmm yeah
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Starfire. And it was any kind of physical contact to produce a link that took the language and she could understand it. She chose to kiss boys because, well, she was a teenage girl.
You want an origin story that will make you uncomfortable? Look up hers.
Mind you, the cartoon Teen Titans portrayed her as kind of a ditzy, naive, and tender girl. In the comics she had a short fuse, was haughty, and disintegrated Deathstroke's wife to ashes.
One of my grudges against New 52 is that they've made her into a sex doll that sleeps with everyone she meets.
Simple enough he was a kid who loved kites.
His powers are that he uses a big kite to commit crimes. He also attacks enemies with a barrage of kites.
He was eaten in the 52 series.
"Three-time loser Sidney Potter figured he'd finall caught a break. The warden has asked for volunteers for some special medical experiments; anyone who participated would earn substantial "good conduct" reductions in his sentence. Sidney was more than willing to let a few eggheads poke him with needles if it meant he could get out of prison early.
Things didn't quite work out. When he heard the medical technicion say "Oops", he began to panic. When he learned the tech had injected him with the wrong serum - some sort of reptile-derived immune factor booster instead of the experimental cold remedy - he became agitated and started to leave. The tech tried to stop him, and a struggle ensued. Sidney was thrown into a shelf-full of medicines and chemicals; dozens of sera and formulae entered his body through the cuts the glass bottles made. But he escaped, fighting his way past the guards with manic strength. Screaming with terror, he ran outside, right into the middle of a thunderstorm. With the guards in hot pursuit, he dove right into a heavily polluted river...just as lightning struck!"
VARIANT
"Nearly all men can withstand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power."
-Abraham Lincoln-
And playing by myself since Aug 2009
Godtier: Lifetime Subscriber
Sure, that's definitely not ridiculous...
I mean, why wouldn't the medic mix up the serums? A cold remedy...and a reptile immune enhancing serum.
Of course he would be thrown into a bunch a different chemicals after that.
Then naturally...he would jump into a polluted river...and it would only be ridiculous if lightning didn't strike at that exact moment.
VARIANT
"Nearly all men can withstand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power."
-Abraham Lincoln-
I mean really.. his origin IS pretty stupid, but he's still my favorite.
"Circa 1963, Strange was in a car accident that severely damaged the nerves in his hands, ending his surgical career. Too vain to accept positions as a consultant or assistant, Strange sought a cure and pursued every available treatment, legitimate or not, soon depleting his fortune; in months he was reduced to a derelict, performing shady medical procedures that barely paid his bar tabs. After hearing rumors of the mystical Ancient One, a desperate Strange pawned his last possessions for a ticket to the East and found the Ancient One's Tibetan palace. At first annoyed when the Ancient One refused to cure him, Strange was later astonished to see the sorcerer attacked by mystic forces. Upon learning that the Ancient One was Earth's magical defender and that the attack on him came from his pupil Mordo, Strange tried to warn him, but Mordo mystically prevented Strange from doing so. For the sake of the Ancient One and the world, Strange acted unselfishly for the first time in years, vowing to learn magic himself so he could counter Mordo and his ilk. He offered himself as a disciple to the Ancient One, who accepted, having known of Mordo's treachery all along. The Ancient One spent years instructing Strange in the art of sorcery, teaching him how to tap the innate mystic powers of both himself and the world around him, as well as how to invoke the power of awesome entities, or Principalities, who resided in their own realms, most notably the three benign beings known as the Vishanti."
Still don't think they ever said if he fixed his hands or not.
It's a pretty classic type of origin, but yeah, over the top. It's not too much different than Spider-Man, Hulk, or the Fantastic Four. Grond seems to have just gotten a smorgasbord of problems instead of just gamma rays.
His hands were never fixed, he cannot properly hold a scalpel to this very day!
Course he could just wield it with magic or something... or use a spell to remove your tumors, so it isn't really much of a hindrance.
What New 52 did to Star is why I dont read DC comics anymore.
Huh.. I remember an arc where he went back to practicing surgery, so maybe he used his magic to help him wield the tools?
Anyway I prefer it that way... and yeah, any instances of him being shown preforming surgery after his accident could easily be explained by magic... >.>
As for Dr. Strange, he couldn't get a bullet out of Peter Parker's aunt May using his magic. I think the whole "Sorceror Supreme" thing made him forget all his former medical and surgical expertise.
- David Brin, "Those Eyes"
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If you want to see Cryptic made CO stupid superhero origin, look no further but at:
http://www.champions-online-wiki.com/wiki/Amazing_Grace
It's a pretty much Cryptic school of writing in a pinch. I wonder if they ever considered that it may be offensive for actual believers playing their game?
Personally, I'm an atheist. But otherwise I'd be slightly disgusted.
Couldn't...or didn't because of mystical reasons beyond our puny understanding?
ok but seriously, I blame the writer.
We don't all insist that our miracles have to be flashy Old-Testament things, you know...
- David Brin, "Those Eyes"
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- David Brin, "Those Eyes"
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As a Presbyterian RP-ing an Anglican, I'm reminded of a favorite old saying: God must have a sense of humor. After all, he created us.
They're not there in the beginning, but when your story ends / Gonna last with you longer than your friends
Because, let's be honest- there are a couple of religions out there that would be EXTREMELY infuriated about this happening with their own 'holy persons' and the reaction of the general modern public would be 'how horrible!'
I know what hers is, I was collecting the Teen Titans at the time.
and there is no way wiht her background she could be ditzy or naive.
a vicious sod maybe,.
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*this is not a copypaste from anyone named DarkDemonKillerBlackBlood*
And playing by myself since Aug 2009
Godtier: Lifetime Subscriber
/wins bio contest
They're not there in the beginning, but when your story ends / Gonna last with you longer than your friends
For some reason, I believe this was an actual copy/paste with the name changed.
I spent about an hour one day helping someone with HORRID spelling with their bio. I basically helped them space it out and corrected the spelling. They were grateful.
I tried to help someone else and he called me an interesting old word for a 'pile of sticks' and told me to visit the underworld.
- David Brin, "Those Eyes"
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And playing by myself since Aug 2009
Godtier: Lifetime Subscriber
I've seen some bios that...
Just go look at what the Bingobot has found. You'll lose faith in superhumanity. Bad writing is one thing, being an awful person with a frightening fetish that involves a miscarriage is another.
And playing by myself since Aug 2009
Godtier: Lifetime Subscriber
DarkDemonKillerBlackBlood in flight:
...and just standing around:
- David Brin, "Those Eyes"
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40 hrs a day... long days.
strongest and best in his village. yes, true, he is also the weakest because he is the only one.
one of mine(actually 2)variant on the evil twin nemesis
Christmas Rose(other name Black hellebore)(aka the angel with a safety line) is an angel with scourge abilities. The only thing she's good at is causing trouble, ok and not getting caught. She has asked for a transfer but been told NO.
Recently given the portfolio of collecting after heroes. Should be an easy job, they're heroes, they're not going to go around killing a load of people. She's never been busier and would like to know who put her name downfor the job.
Her nemesis
Angelica the rising demon. Radiant powers, also asked for a transfer and got the same answer. her boss is just making use of her healing abilities since he can't work out anything else to do with her.
She got told to at least try being evil. So she watched the people in Millenium city and put her sister down for the collection job.
"How is that evil?"
"Have you seen what that lot behaves like? There's more demons there than there are here.She's not going to have a moments rest and just think of trying to sort out the good, bad and indifferent from that lot."
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You'll get laid in Caprice in no time.
No promise you will like it, though.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S3BDoaCm2TQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wopy4gL0-eE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JQI668D55g8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f6i_hsPTB3k
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tNZpd9oB5ms
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pnhdu7mPLz8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nwxIITIV6u4
I think I'm going to have to recreate MURDERHEAD, SUPER-DEMON FROM ULTRA-HELL and join you once I have a new character slot. :biggrin:
^This.
Had to do lots of stupid things instead of just breaking them up as a couple.