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Reviewing Random Crap: Flashbang tequila
cybersoldier1981
Posts: 2,501 Arc User
I'm a pretty responsible guy. I don't spend frivolously, and I'm always looking for a better deal and a wiser spending choice. When I shop online; I look at it, watch reviews, scan over it, and then ask myself if I really want it- and I sleep on it. I don't impulse shop- I actually take out cash to spend when I go to pick things up, and I restrict myself to that dollar amount that I've set and don't swipe my card. I like to think of myself as a mature adult, or at least someone who is shaped like an adult and can convince others that I'm capable of being a grown man.
However, I have a trigger. Sometimes, I see a thing. And that thing overrides ever sensible adult portion of my brain and I go back to being the rampaging manchild all over again. I see this thing, and I immediately don't care about 'need' and 'responsibility'. I will knock down and trample an old lady and stab you in the eye with a crab fork if you try to stop me from having this thing.
This was that thing:
(Insert soundtrack: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=81AZnu3qPis )
You win, Mexico.
I immediately seized one of these, and then realized holy God, I've got a tactical vest with a whole bunch of pouches. So I grab like, 8 of them. And a 40 of King Cobra, because I'm responsible and on a budget.
So, there I am, in my Multicam combat uniform and tactical vest. Each pouch has one of these beauties. The war on sobriety begins, and I'm out to win it. Flashbang out.
Oh God.
It's 50% alcohol, 100 proof. I don't even really know what that means. Why don't I know what this means? This is bad. It's awful. I'm gagging on the floor. Where's my 40 of King Cobra? I find it in the shower, half empty from being nursed during my evening hygiene procedures.
It burns. This is awful. Why would I buy so many?
No. No surrender.
I pull the pin, pop the cap, and pound another.
At this point, my stomach is on fire. I think I forgot about that ulcer. I'm going to poop blood again.
No. Not today. All men must die and I kind of look like a man but I will tell death 'Not Today'.
Bottoms up. Yo Joe.
Oh God. My head is swimming. I'm going to get PTSD from this. It's awful. It hurts so much. Why would something so terrible be packaged in something so awesome? Why couldn't it be Jaeger?
Because you'd be throwing the empty containers at children, taking your shirt off, and screaming about Valhalla, you stupid lush.
Oh, right. That's why we don't drink Jaeger anymore. Thank you, Smart Brain.
Go f**k yourself, you deserve this.
Whatever, Smart Brain. I'm drinking you away.
I pop the cap and pound one. Smart Brain doesn't stop me, nor does he tell me it's a stupid idea to chase this one with another.
I'm walking in circles. At one point, I think I called the liquor store and told them that they should not let people buy this. It's so bad. It's not tequila. It's some kind of mind numbing poison that smells like tequila and a splash of degreaser.
Stop spinning. No...
I woke up. The war is over. I can't feel my legs. I'm not wearing a shirt. My stomach feels like Vietnam. My head feels like Baghdad.
I have two left.
I pull the pin. It's Tuesday.
However, I have a trigger. Sometimes, I see a thing. And that thing overrides ever sensible adult portion of my brain and I go back to being the rampaging manchild all over again. I see this thing, and I immediately don't care about 'need' and 'responsibility'. I will knock down and trample an old lady and stab you in the eye with a crab fork if you try to stop me from having this thing.
This was that thing:
(Insert soundtrack: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=81AZnu3qPis )
You win, Mexico.
I immediately seized one of these, and then realized holy God, I've got a tactical vest with a whole bunch of pouches. So I grab like, 8 of them. And a 40 of King Cobra, because I'm responsible and on a budget.
So, there I am, in my Multicam combat uniform and tactical vest. Each pouch has one of these beauties. The war on sobriety begins, and I'm out to win it. Flashbang out.
Oh God.
It's 50% alcohol, 100 proof. I don't even really know what that means. Why don't I know what this means? This is bad. It's awful. I'm gagging on the floor. Where's my 40 of King Cobra? I find it in the shower, half empty from being nursed during my evening hygiene procedures.
It burns. This is awful. Why would I buy so many?
No. No surrender.
I pull the pin, pop the cap, and pound another.
At this point, my stomach is on fire. I think I forgot about that ulcer. I'm going to poop blood again.
No. Not today. All men must die and I kind of look like a man but I will tell death 'Not Today'.
Bottoms up. Yo Joe.
Oh God. My head is swimming. I'm going to get PTSD from this. It's awful. It hurts so much. Why would something so terrible be packaged in something so awesome? Why couldn't it be Jaeger?
Because you'd be throwing the empty containers at children, taking your shirt off, and screaming about Valhalla, you stupid lush.
Oh, right. That's why we don't drink Jaeger anymore. Thank you, Smart Brain.
Go f**k yourself, you deserve this.
Whatever, Smart Brain. I'm drinking you away.
I pop the cap and pound one. Smart Brain doesn't stop me, nor does he tell me it's a stupid idea to chase this one with another.
I'm walking in circles. At one point, I think I called the liquor store and told them that they should not let people buy this. It's so bad. It's not tequila. It's some kind of mind numbing poison that smells like tequila and a splash of degreaser.
Stop spinning. No...
I woke up. The war is over. I can't feel my legs. I'm not wearing a shirt. My stomach feels like Vietnam. My head feels like Baghdad.
I have two left.
I pull the pin. It's Tuesday.
Post edited by cybersoldier1981 on
0
Comments
Most hard liquors you find are 80 proof, which means 40% alcohol. So these pack a bit more of a punch. They're also a little bit over the volume amount for a shot.
Personally, I'd fill 'em with rum. Then get a rum cake. Rumrumrumrumrum.
Fun review. :biggrin:
I do like Jameson...
What? I like my booze yummy.
My super cool CC build and how to use it.