Droning in a Winter Wonderland

shevet

I hadn't heard much from the imperfectly-liberated Borg drone Four of Six, not since her (ahem) experiences on Risa. However, all of a sudden, I got a message from her:-

*/*drone status update: priority urgent---
---alert alert alert
---incursion alarm repeat incursion alarm
---unauthorized personnel detected in New Romulus Command
---single robed humanoid male seated on hovering throne*/*

"What?" I said. "Oh. Calm down, Four, it's only Q."

*/*reviewing data files---
supplementary query---
---what do you mean, ONLY Q?
---New Romulus Command has been infiltrated by capricious superbeing
---drone calmness level: appropriately low*/*

"Look," I said, "I know Q can be... unpredictable... but this is the festive event he runs every year. It's harmless. Fun, even. Excitement. Contests, with prizes. You know, fun."

*/*drone remembers fun---
drone still has traffic cone---*/*

"Uh, right," I said. "Go on, just try talking to Q."

So then there was... a pause. And then another message:-

*/*drone took your advice and talked to Q---
---unsure that result constituted fun*/*

"What happened?" I asked.

*/*Q turned drone into a sehlat---
---drone got better*/*

"Yes, he does do that, sometimes," I said. "You have to approach him in the right way. Ask him about his Winter Wonderland."

So there was another longish silence. Then:-

*/*drone status update---
---at undetermined location
---space/time coordinates not accessible
drone observes---
---very cold
---very twee
---Q is present
---also many shouty people*/*

"Well, sounds like you made it," I said. "Go on. Talk to people. See the sights. Join in the contests. Live a little."

*/*drone will investigate---*/*

And I thought that would be that - after all, there's a lot to do during this event, right? However, after another longish pause, she came back with another message:-

*/*drone status update: investigations of so-called Winter Wonderland proceeding---
---so far
---drone is not convinced*/*

"Not convinced? About what, Four?" I asked.

*/*drone remains uncertain in several areas---
---first: good intentions of Q
--- ---Q is dressed as magistrate of Earth post-atomic terror period
--- ---corrupt enforcers of terrorist regime
--- ---responsible for judicial murder of thousands
--- ---level of festive bonhomie: minimal
---also
---shouty person declaring "Q is a genius and so handsome"
--- ---drone suspects inaccuracies
--- ---Winter Wonderland pocket universe demonstrates superpowers, but also bad taste and unoriginality
--- ---incompatible with genius designation
--- ---as for handsome
--- ---drone would maybe give Q a six if drone was feeling generous*/*

"Well, I guess that's Q put in his place," I said.

*/*drone reporting preliminary determinations only---
---drone is continuing investigations
---drone has observed snowman tableaux and found them moderately amusing*/*

"You should have been there in the old days, Four," I said with a reminiscent chuckle. "Every so often, the snowmen would come to life and attack us all with snowballs, and we'd have to fight them off, and when we'd beaten enough of them, the Snowman Overlord would arrive at the frozen lake, and we'd have to fight him too."

*/*drone now has supplementary query---*/*

"Yes?"

*/*drone wonders if you realize how freaking crazy you sound---*/*

"You just wait and see, Four," I told her, with another chuckle. "You just wait and see...."

shevet

Just to add to the fun, I got a message from my KDF opposite number, General Rrueo - who, as we all know, is unusually articulate for a Ferasan. And it turns out she is not just articulate, but cross as well:-

kitteh wuz in Wintr Wundrland an doin foot raes ting, an kitteh getz told 2 raes gainst big jackal mastiff, an dis lukz laik kitteh iz b RUNNIN AWAY from big dog ting, an dis perppetwates purpett carries on wit ideea dat kittehz runz away from doggehz an dis is RONG an BAD an stuff bcuz kittehz iz b BRAEV an FEROSIUS an it iz NO GUD 2 show kittehz runnin from doggehz it iz tantemount 2 tanttamout saem ting as RAESISM GAINST KITTEHZ so get it fiksed or else kthxbai

Something tells me it's going to be a long, long winter.

dalolorn

Eh, so far I'd rate Risa above the Wonderland... not sure how Four thinks a hangover was fun, though.

On another note, I was all prepared to say "you made a typo" before I googled 'twee'.

*waits and sees nothing new... and wanders back to what he was doing*

Edit: Rrueo is... less articulate than usual. *chuckles* Is Rrueo feeling negative side-effects from Rrueo's conflict with Thrang, or is it just that Rrueo's under the influence of a capricious superbeing?

guljarol

Fully enjoyed that!

And fully agree with the good general! Kitteh should not be made to run away from doggehz!​​

shevet

dalolorn wrote: »

Rrueo is... less articulate than usual. *chuckles* Is Rrueo feeling negative side-effects from Rrueo's conflict with Thrang, or is it just that Rrueo's under the influence of a capricious superbeing?

If you ever spot Rrueo in-game, it's worth taking a look at her character bio. Sheds a whole new light on the lolcat-speak....

dalolorn

I wonder if Rrueo's bio also sheds a light on Rrueo's tendency to never use pronouns when referring to Rrueo.

shevet

Rrueo is a proud and traditional Ferasan warrior who earned her name and wants to make sure everyone knows it. (There are, actually, a couple of places in my stories where she slips out of this and uses personal pronouns instead. And it always means something, when she does.)

dalolorn

shevet wrote: »

Rrueo is a proud and traditional Ferasan warrior who earned her name and wants to make sure everyone knows it. (There are, actually, a couple of places in my stories where she slips out of this and uses personal pronouns instead. And it always means something, when she does.)

Oh, right. I must have forgotten about that.

starswordc

I LOL'd at the "what do you mean, ONLY Q?" bit. Keep it up, Shevet.

antonine3258

Oh I'm glad we're seeing Four at Wonderland too. I think I'm too far off, timezone wise to really catch Rrueo in the flesh - has either of them been asked about epohh friends yet?

Personal favorite line:

--- ---drone would maybe give Q a six if drone was feeling generous*/*

dalolorn

antonine3258 wrote: »

Oh I'm glad we're seeing Four at Wonderland too. I think I'm too far off, timezone wise to really catch Rrueo in the flesh - has either of them been asked about epohh friends yet?

Pah, Rrueo already has all the pets she needs. Don't mention targs in her presence.

antonine3258

dalolorn wrote: »

antonine3258 wrote: »

Oh I'm glad we're seeing Four at Wonderland too. I think I'm too far off, timezone wise to really catch Rrueo in the flesh - has either of them been asked about epohh friends yet?

Pah, Rrueo already has all the pets she needs. Don't mention targs in her presence.

Or get more chef duty officers, from how often she's asked if they're on the menu...

shevet

I got a rather grudging status update from Four of Six:-

*/*drone sees what you mean about the snowmen---*/*

"Oh, yes," I said, "Q revived that event, didn't he?"

*/*drone discovered this---
---however
drone first experience of snowmen---
---defending gingerbread village
---drone is unsure about this event*/*

"Unsure, why?" I asked. "The idea is, you keep down the snowmen while the Snowconian deals with the Snow Overlord -"

*/*drone appreciates tactics---
drone has issues with gingerbread people---
---gingerbread people are clearly aggressors
---invaders of snowmen territory
---impartial negotiated solution preferable to partisan conflict
---also gingerbread people are seriously freaky*/*

"Oh, come on, Four. They're cute."

*/*drone has serious issues regarding supposed cuteness---
---gingerbread people are made of gingerbread with icing and decorative sweets
---gingerbread village is also made of gingerbread with icing and decorative sweets
---drone wonders if a human culture which lived in homes made of human flesh and bone would also be considered cute*/*

"Err... right," I said. "I must admit, I hadn't thought of it in quite that way.... Anyway. Are you trying any of the other events? The new Klingon ice fishing, for instance?"

*/*drone has tried it---
---very Klingon
---catch fish by punching them
---specifically by punching holes in a sheet of ice
---that you are currently standing on
---drone assumes next step is to cook the fish
---drone further assumes similar methodology
---lock self and fish in kitchen and set fire to the house*/*

"Oh, come on, Four, you're being too... literal," I said. "They are gummy candy fish, after all."

*/*drone is not sure how this makes it more sensible---*/*

This is Four's problem, really. She's too literal-minded. "I just wish you'd try to join in with the festive spirit a bit more, Four," I told her.

*/*drone is trying---
drone has bought hat---*/*

I'm not sure I want to know, but... "A hat?" I asked.

*/*drone is wearing woolly hat suitable for festive season---
---does not quite go with drone's cranial cables
---close match for woolly sweater that drone's gran knitted*/*

And now I really don't want to know.

kitsunesnout

I remember the summer event thread, that liberated borg logic, very funny stuff!

dalolorn

*/*drone 3/5 agrees with drone 4/6---
---Klingon ice fishing presents significant hazard to self
---setting fire to house from locked kitchen
---logical next step*/*

She really does have a point.

antonine3258

*/*drone has serious issues regarding supposed cuteness---
---gingerbread people are made of gingerbread with icing and decorative sweets
---gingerbread village is also made of gingerbread with icing and decorative sweets
---drone wonders if a human culture which lived in homes made of human flesh and bone would also be considered cute*/*

I think I've spent too long in Winter Wonderland, my first rejoinder thought was 'Well, if it was festive enough...'

shevet

I hadn't heard much from Four of Six apart from one brief, cryptic message:-

*/*drone's diodes are poking through her sweater---*/*

I told her that was probably due to the cold weather... turns out, though, one of the new festive sweaters has little Christmas lights poking through it in places. So, um, my bad, I think. But then, earlier today:-

*/*urgent update repeat urgent---
drone status: malfunctioning---
---biomechanical repair specialist needed
---urgent repeat urgent*/*

"Four? What's wrong?" I asked. And then, remembering Risa, "You haven't been overdoing it with the eggnog, have you? Remember what happened when you drank all those Mai-Tais...."

*/*negative negative negative---
drone has participated in pie eating contest---
---gastric overload
---abdominal nanotubules clogged
please send help---
---biomechanical specialist
---available medical literature on shortcrust toxicity*/*

"Four," I said, "I think you're over-dramatizing. A little bit of indigestion -"

*/*status update: too late---
---pies being purged from system by second most popular route
***bleargh*** ***bleargh***
status update: unspeakable---
---wait
---no, Nonsapient Companion Animal Zero One, leave that alone
---drone will clean it up
---DRONE SAID LEAVE IT ALONE
---NO NONSAPIENT COMPANION ANIMAL ZERO ONE DRONE SAID NO
***bleargh*** ***bleargh*** */*

That was all I heard for some time, apart from an occasional */*status update: ***bleargh*** */*. I don't think Four is getting on very well with house-training her Risian Caracal, though giving it a name like "Nonsapient Companion Animal Zero One" can't help much. However, some slightly happier messages started to come in.

*/*status update: drone is feeling better---
drone should have known better---
---will not participate further in food-based events based at ghoulish village composed of gingerbread body parts

"I still think you're, umm, over-thinking the gingerbread village," I told her. "And you don't want to miss out on the holiday chef thing."

*/* drone has engaged in said activity already---
received assignments from Neelix---
---recovered ingredients
---made recipes
---has no plans actually to consume holiday food on health and safety grounds */*

That one baffled me. "Health and safety?"

*/*recipes made with ingredients left lying out in the open for indeterminate time--- */*

Well, I thought, now she's just being silly. "Come off it, Four. Those eggs and milk bottles and cinnamon sticks are left in the snow. In sub-zero temperatures."

*/*drone is aware of this---
temperature is not the issue---
drone notes presence of native animal life---
---jackal mastiffs
---snow possums
---frolicking in vicinity of ingredients
no evidence that they are house trained even to standards of Nonsapient Companion Animal Zero One---
---drone may not know much, but...
---drone knows not to eat the yellow snow */*

I have to admit, she has a point.

dalolorn

Four, there is no yellow snow. (Which is an anomaly in its own right.)

starswordc

shevet wrote: »

I hadn't heard much from Four of Six apart from one brief, cryptic message:-

*/*drone's diodes are poking through her sweater---*/*

I told her that was probably due to the cold weather... turns out, though, one of the new festive sweaters has little Christmas lights poking through it in places. So, um, my bad, I think. But then, earlier today:-

Sneaky, shevet. :P

legendarylycan

you know...having read all these now over the year, i'm left wondering what 'drone' actually LOOKS like​​

starkaos

shadowfang240 wrote: »

you know...having read all these now over the year, i'm left wondering what 'drone' actually LOOKS like​​

Or that is my interpretation of the thread's title before reading the opening post.

dalolorn

shadowfang240 wrote: »

you know...having read all these now over the year, i'm left wondering what 'drone' actually LOOKS like​​

There's a screenshot around the end of the old thread, which shows Four sunbathing at night.

shevet

A rather smug message came in from Four of Six... if drone status updates can be smug, that is.

*/*drone has successfully completed primary task---
--check out drone's new ride */*

"You've got the Breen ship from Q's foot race?" I asked, just to be sure.

*/*confirmed---
drone has to wonder---
---what the Breen did to annoy Q
---since he keeps giving their ships away
---Chel Boalg is better than most ships currently operating in Confederacy navy */*

"Well," I said, "all I can say is... it's Q, who knows why he does things?"

*/*drone status: not complaining---
drone is glad to note---
---Q is not pretending to be pacifist like Risians
drone has obtained equipment---
---cryonic grenade is at least equal to Risian "pacifist" head-melting acid grenade
---micro cryonic warhead looks like drone's kind of fun*/*

"Yes, well," I said, "just so long as you don't get them mixed up with the stuff that only works in Q's Winter Wonderland."

*/*drone is sensibly cautious---
---equipment is not always appropriate even in Winter Wonderland
---drone feels she should update old adage: never bring a gummy swordfish to a snowball fight */*

"So, you're joining in all the events?" I asked. "Since you seem to be getting plenty of the holiday ornaments... you must be taking part in everything, yes?"

*/*drone is actively participating---
drone continues with Klingon ice fishing---
---even though it is silly
---ornament fragments must be collected in multiples of five
---for trading in with winter vendor for complete ornaments
drone is continuing until her ornament fragments total is a multiple of five---*/*

"Or you can just flog them off to an ordinary vendor for a few energy credits each," I pointed out.

*/*---
---
drone knew that---
---
---
drone was---
---just testing*/*

"Right," I said. "And everything else is going OK?"

*/*drone confirms---
interacting with gingerbread weirdoes---
defeating attacking snow hordes---
footracing for epohh tags---
---as with Risa, drone has received significant military assets in return for tagging small furry animals*/*

"It's just a tradition, Four. Don't sweat it."

*/*drone does not entirely approve---
breeding of novelty epohhs and attaching comedy headgear---
---insulting to the innate dignity of the noble epohh
---drone wonders how you would feel if you were painted a funny colour and had silly things stuck on your head*/*

Which is maybe not the most tactful thing you could say to an Andorian, but never mind. At least she seems to be happy.

antonine3258

"Or you can just flog them off to an ordinary vendor for a few energy credits each," I pointed out.

*/*---
---
drone knew that---
---
---
drone was---
---just testing*/*

Hah! I've been there on items before. Though a (badly) Liberated Borg complaining about having headgear and painted white is practically in a glass house when it comes to those stones.

shevet

Another message came in from Four of Six, who is evidently growing jaded with the whole thing.

*/*drone status: finished with most things---
status addendum: bored now--- */*

"Bored, Four?" I asked. "You've run out of things to do at Winter Wonderland?"

*/*drone has acquired spaceship---
drone has completed additional goals---
--- obtained armaments and other military material
--- equipment received in return for humiliating epohhs
--- --- drone has got one good ground set, will receive another, maybe two if drone plays her cards right
--- all accolades and plaudits registered
--- full set of gingerbread weirdoes stored in inventory for further study
--- drone has disguised self as animated snowman
--- --- drone does not recommend this
--- --- drone finished up cold and wet */*

I cast my mind back over all the winter events... and, to be fair, it sounds like she's been pretty busy. "Hmm," I said. "What about the Tides of Ice event? I don't think you've mentioned that one."

*/*drone has participated---
tactical problem---
---formidable but not insuperable */*

"Sounds like you've given it some thought, then."

*/*affirmative---
assault on fixed defensive position by ground troops---
---costly in personnel
---defending forces can obtain significant advantages by proper deployment of resources */*

"The wave after wave of snow borg can be pretty overwhelming," I comment.

*/*wave tactics ineffective in themselves---
--- defender with automatic weapon can take position by supporting turret
--- single defender can hold off multiple waves down one avenue of approach
--- snow drone change in tactics after fifth wave is probably too late to be effective
--- drone has attempted to communicate this point but Ice Queen is not listening
--- --- same as in the collective
--- --- drone talks sense but management never listens */*

At which point, I started to worry. "Um, Four," I said, "why would you be trying to discuss tactics with the snow borg Queen?"

*/*drone does not understand---
cooperation with command authorities is necessary to ensure victory--- */*

"Four," I said, rather faintly, "when you're doing this event... whose side do you think you're on?"

*/*obvious---
drone is on the side of other drones---
collective will be victorious---
--- all gingerbread weirdoes will be assimilated
--- om nom nom */*

At which point, all I can say is: oh dear.