News from Risa

shevet

So I received a message or two from Four of Six, a liberated Borg Romulan who... kind of doesn't really get the whole "liberated" thing.

It all started out innocently enough, with a typically warm and personal greeting:-

*/*drone status update---
routine tasks completed---
4/6 new status: on her hols---*/*

"On holiday where?" I queried, innocently.

*/*destination: Risa---
objectives follow---
---obtain local currency
---investigate facilities
---look hawt in bikini*/*

Well, that last one worried me, a bit. Four is... kind of bony-looking... and she hasn't had many of her Borg implants removed. So I followed up with another query....

*/*status update---
---hawtness confirmed
---strange man designated Pavyl has asked drone to meet him in secluded spot after nightfall
---drone estimates probability that this can go wrong at 0% */*

Uh-oh, I thought. "Four," I said, "are you sure about this? You haven't really readjusted to life outside the Collective, you know." And I got another reply.

*/*adjustment to individual lifestyle complete---
---drone will indicate this
---purchasing companion animal for emotional support
---specimen type: Risian Solarian Caracal
---specimen now designated Non-Sapient Companion Animal Zero One */*

"That's not a very good name for a pet," I told her. But I don't think the next reply was really aimed at me.

*/*disregard input from nasty person---
who is a good Non-Sapient Companion Animal---
--- you are
--- yes
--- you are */*

Unfortunately, this was shortly followed by another message.

*/*status update---
urgent correction---
---inspection of local deck plating indicates
---Non-Sapient Companion Animal Zero One is NOT a good Non-Sapient Companion Animal
---drone status: locating Marigolds
---locating Dettol
---oh god
---what has it been eating
---that cannot be right */*

So I've left matters there for now. I can only imagine things are going to get worse.

shevet

I don't know how Four of Six is getting on with house-training her pet, Non-Sapient Companion Animal Zero One. Her last few messages have suggested there are other things on her mind.

*/*drone status: insufficiently hawt---
---encounters with strange man designated Pavyl did not proceed to satisfactory conclusion
---drone is getting rusty */*

"Well," I said, "your interpersonal skills probably are a little... disused... right now, but I'm sure they're actually improving with practice."

*/* negative negative negative ---
drone is getting rusty---
---saltwater corrosion on exposed metallic surfaces
---suspect cause is sea-spray from powerboarding events */*

I'm not sure I can quite picture Four as a surfer, but never mind. "In any case, looks aren't everything," I told her. "A winning personality will get you further than looks alone."

*/* duly noted---
---drone will attempt to impress people with force of personality
---reconfiguring assimilation nanoprobes for direct neural interface */*

"No, no, no!" I told her. "That would definitely be, umm, going too far. For a first date. No. Definitely not."

*/* drone will study interpersonal relations in more detail---
if permitted---
---drone has attended event designated: unauthorized beach party
---drone must now surrender herself to authorities
---drone hopes for lenient treatment on first offence */*

So there we have to leave things. I don't know where she'll find a Risian beach cop to turn herself in to, but I'm sure she's looking. Four is nothing if not persistent.

shevet

Four of Six's attempt to give herself up for attending an unauthorized beach party... didn't really work out too well. I got a rather disgruntled message from her.

*/* 4/6 status update: still searching for authorities
---sought advice from natives
---advice given: surrender to officer designated Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir Bernard Horga'hn Howe
---unable to locate designated individual */*

"I think that's a joke, Four," I told her. "Besides, you don't need to worry about the party. Just because it's not officially authorized, that doesn't mean it's forbidden. Risians are very free and easy about things like that."

It didn't go down too well. I got an even more disgruntled reply.

*/* Risians are not that free and easy---
--- drone hawtness still insufficient
--- drone has located in excess of 100 horga'hns without scoring any jamaharon whatsoever
--- drone projected actions: drown sorrows in Risian Mai-Tais */*

Well, that alarmed me. "Are you sure that's a good idea, Four? I mean, when was the last time you had a drink?"

*/* 4/6 hydration status---
--- intake of 447 ml of vitamin-fortified mineral water
--- 83 minutes ago */*

"That's not really what I meant," I told her.

*/* fluid intake now commencing---
--- Risian Mai-Tais
--- assessment: not bad so far
--- more analysis needed */*

"Four, this is really not such a good idea," I said.

*/* you do not want drone to be happy---
---nobody wants drone to be happy
---drone is all alone and nobody loves her

"That's not true," I protested. "I mean, you've got friends... there's me, and there's, um, Non-Sapient Companion Animal Zero One -"

*/* (signal unintelligible)
--- drone assessment of accuracy of statement: valid
--- (signal unintelligible)
--- you are my best mate you are
--- (signal unintelligible)
--- query: whose bright idea was it to build a bar in an earthquake zone
--- floor is moving */*

"Uh, Four," I said, "that's not an earthquake... you're not used to those Mai-Tais, that's the problem."

*/* ridiculous---
--- Risian Mai-Tais cannot cause tectonic activity
--- drone will verify this
--- methodology: drink more Risian Mai-Tais
--- (signal unintelligible)
--- drone angle from vertical: 0.17 radians
--- halp */*

That was all I heard from her for several hours, except for an occasional */* (signal unintelligible) */*. I was pretty relieved, all things considered, to get a more coherent message the next morning.

*/* urgent distress signal repeat urgent---
drone status: malfunctioning---
details follow---
--- head pain
--- nausea
--- excessive and unpleasant response to visual and auditory stimuli
--- foul taste in mouth
--- recollection of previous evening impaired
recommendation needed: biomechanical repair specialist---
--- urgent */*

"Four," I said firmly, "you don't need repairs. What you have is called a hangover."

*/* information received and registered---
object is evidently decorative in function---
--- suspended above other objects hence "hang over"
--- drone will locate suspension point and deploy hangover
--- drone does not understand how this will help her head */*

I was baffled by this. "A hangover is, well, a condition... not an object," I said. "What object are you talking about, Four?"

*/* drone discovered object in regeneration alcove upon return to normal consciousness---
description of object follows---
--- length approximately one metre
--- hollow plastic construction
--- conical shape with square base
--- colour orange with wide reflective white stripe
correct designation requested--- */*

So I suppose Four had, basically, a pretty good night. I still don't know where on Risa she got a traffic cone. I suspect it's best not to ask.

antonine3258

I didn't ever think one had to put some sort of value judgement on how much fun were inter-collective messaging, but this is hysterical.

rooster707

Once again, I find myself wishing these forums had a like button.

wombat140

This is delightful

zedbrightlander1

rooster707 wrote: »

Once again, I find myself wishing these forums had a like button.

Have no fear. Double thumbs up with a bow tie is here.

zedbrightlander1

traffic cone on Risa = Temporal Artifact
Actually, it probably came from another universe. Champions...

Or perhaps this one, formerly located in front of Cryptic HQ. { capped from a Google Street View long ago }

shevet

Four of Six was kind of quiet for a while after the Mai-Tais incident. I think she was feeling a little fragile. It didn't keep her down for long, though, as evidenced by the message I received out of the blue:-

*/* 4/6 status update---
urgent emergency urgent emergency---
alert alert alert---
Risa under attack--- */*

Well, you can imagine that got my attention pretty quickly. I messaged her back at once. "Four, what's happening? Is anyone hurt?"

*/*no casualties reported---
situation consistent with initial probing attack---
incendiaries detonating in planetary troposphere
--- addendum: one known issue
--- Non-Sapient Companion Animal Zero One was greatly distressed and hid under bed
indications of heavy-metal chemical contaminants
--- drone will assess any damage and seek assistance */*

It all sounded very alarming. But there were no confirming reports on any Starfleet channels... now, Four isn't the sort of person to panic unnecessarily, but I'd expect an attack on Risa to raise all sorts of alarms. So I sent off another message asking her to confirm the situation, and got a reply.

*/* 4/6 continuing investigations---
--- no injuries or property damage reported
--- consulting with local tactical expert
--- preparing defensive structures
--- available materials seem inadequate but drone is learning new techniques */*

I was getting increasingly puzzled by this point. A local tactical expert? On Risa? And the planet is surrounded, at this time of year, by ships from Starfleet, the KDF, the Republic - I'd have expected them to respond immediately to any attack. There'd have been all sorts of fireworks, I thought to myself -

And then I thought to myself, uh-oh.

"Four," I asked, "how did you become aware of these... heavy-metal chemical contaminants? And... what, exactly, is this tactical expert's specialty?"

*/* chemical contamination of explosives apparent---
--- visible strong coloration of incendiary munitions on detonation
tactical expert specialization: arenologist---
--- drone assumes this to be expert in arena combat
--- questions relevance of inquiry */*

Oh. Dear. I am now going to have to explain to Four of Six all about fireworks displays, and sandcastles. Something tells me I might need a few Risian Mai-Tais by the time I've finished.

shevet

I thought Four of Six was keeping quiet out of embarrassment, but it turns out she's just been very busy. She got round to sending another message from Risa today.

*/* 4/6 status update---
new qualification attained---
--- drone now designated Master Relaxer
--- drone has attendant query */*

"Um... well done, I think, Four," I replied. "So, what's your question?"

*/* query relates to title designation---
drone has not tracked all energies expended in---
--- cataloguing tropical birds
--- exploring Risian locations
--- participating in Risian events
--- energizing floater
--- energizing powerboard
however ---
drone has not done this much work since single-handedly assimilating species 7742 outpost at Xi Lacertae ---
--- high point of drone's Collective career
--- drone almost got drone of the month award for that one
question if Master Relaxer appropriate title when drone has gone to that much effort */*

"I, um, I don't know who you'd have to talk to about that," I answered. "Anyway, well done, again. So, will you be coming back from Risa now?"

*/* negative ---
further matters engaging drone's attention ---
drone is concerned over small Risian tropical birds--- */*

"Just the small ones?" I asked.

*/* affirmative ---
drone has cause for concern ---
large Risian tropical birds easily located and catalogued ---
--- drone believes they are not in danger
however ---
--- drone is aware of illicit trade in smaller specimens
--- drone has heard frequent mention of quote budgie smugglers unquote
--- believes this cause for concern */*

I think Four has got hold of the wrong end of the stick again. And somehow I don't feel like explaining that one to her... let her find out for herself.

zedbrightlander1

I had to search that one. Seems budgie smugglers = banana hammock. I'd post pics, but...

wombat140

And I hadn't heard that one! The things the English language gets up to when you take your eye off it...

mustrumridcully0

Fascinating insights in Drone life on Risa.

zedbrightlander1

wombat140 wrote: »

And I hadn't heard that one! The things the English language gets up to when you take your eye off it...

Fantastic line! You should add that to your sig.

hfmudd

shevet, you continue to be a treasure.

shevet

So I hadn't heard much from Four of Six - I sort of assumed she was settling down and having a good time. But, a little while back, I received a new status update.

*/*query---
drone status: puzzled---
---also concerned
---possibly even alarmed*/*

"What's the problem, Four?" I asked.

*/*drone has been participating in local entertainments---
---specifics: floater event
---perform set aerobatic manoeuvres at designated intervals
---satisfactory completion results in reward */*

"Oh, the floater event? I always thought that was fun," I said.

*/*fun is irrelevant---
drone has completed event satisfactorily---
---reward attained
drone expectations of reward---
---holiday vouchers
---nice bottle of wine
---gourmet meal for two with local celebrity of drone's choice
actual reward received---
---advanced enemy alien warship in fully functional condition
drone wonders---
---why personnel responsible for obtaining prize
---not employed instead at Starfleet Intelligence */*

"Oh," I said. "Oh. Yes. Somebody's got some... umm... some arrangement... some contacts, somewhere...."

*/* drone is concerned---
issues of military security---
drone does not know how vessels are obtained---
prize giving authorities outside UFP jurisdiction---
drone wonders if Starfleet technology also available in return for trivial sports competition completion--- */*

"Oh," I said, "I see. But I don't think - um. I don't think it's likely...."

*/* possibly not---
drone still has concerns---
drone envisages scenarios---
--- top-flight Starfleet flagships given away on anniversary of video game launches
--- or something like that */*

"Don't worry, Four," I told her. "Seriously, don't worry. That'll never happen."

jorantomalak

so i got like 5% into the read got a headache and still havent figured whats going on

not due to the reading material i shouldve put my glasses on so the headache is my fault

antonine3258

Man, I miss the 'drive the flagship around' event.

If this throws Four of Six don't show the Lobi store.

wombat140

Try again later with glasses on, seriously, it's worth it!

dalolorn

antonine3258 wrote: »

If this throws Four of Six don't show the Lobi store.

Nonono, please do!

Edit: There appears to be a Borg drone somewhere around these parts, too. Look what he told me.

*/* 3/5 status update---
drone has completed vocal reproduction of transmissions from drone 4/6 for assimilation by local Collective subjunction---
--- drone vocal subsystems malfunctioning
--- experiencing soreness around vocal cords
recommendation needed: biomechanical repair specialist---
---priority moderate */*

I simply told him to get a drink. Luckily, no alcohol was present.

legendarylycan

dalolorn wrote: »

*/* 3/5 status update---
drone has completed vocal reproduction of transmissions from drone 4/6 for assimilation by local Collective subjunction---
--- drone vocal subsystems malfunctioning
--- experiencing soreness around vocal cords
recommendation needed: biomechanical repair specialist---
---priority moderate */*

I simply told him to get a drink. Luckily, no alcohol was present.

okay...translation? i could figure out what was going on with all of shevet's droneisms, but i can't figure this one out​​

dalolorn

shadowfang240 wrote: »

dalolorn wrote: »

*/* 3/5 status update---
drone has completed vocal reproduction of transmissions from drone 4/6 for assimilation by local Collective subjunction---
--- drone vocal subsystems malfunctioning
--- experiencing soreness around vocal cords
recommendation needed: biomechanical repair specialist---
---priority moderate */*

I simply told him to get a drink. Luckily, no alcohol was present.

okay...translation? i could figure out what was going on with all of shevet's droneisms, but i can't figure this one out​​

I read shevet's 'stories' (I'm not sure it's quite accurate here, but it's the closest label I can find) out loud to my younger siblings. (Also, a few other mini-stories - like the ones about exploration clusters - and storified bug reports due to browsing through his thread history.)

The result was that I had a sore throat, and like Four, I needed maintenance. (But unlike Four, "Three"'s efforts to get a drink were incapable of getting him/me drunk. ) So, I figured I'd take a stab at this Borg stuff.

shevet

I've received what is evidently a final report from Four of Six...

*/* 4/6 status update---
initiating physical movement protocol 11271-Theta---
---happy dance
status of all Risian required functions---
---completed */*

"Well, err... well done, Four," I said. "I think."

*/* drone still has queries---
obvious example---
--- prestige and influence gained by drone in military special forces
--- examples: Terran Task Force, Species 8472 Counter Command
--- method employed to gain prestige
--- tag monkeys, nurture endangered tropical birds
--- drone questions military utility of this activity
--- drone estimates Risian feather monkey not combat effective against Species 8472 */*

"It's just, um, a tradition," I told her. "Protecting the endangered species, it's just... something we do...."

*/* drone now enjoys preferential access to military material---
seniority over personnel who have faced Species 8472 planet killers---
drone concludes---
--- you unassimilated organics are just plain weird sometimes */*

"Well, try not to worry about it, Four," I said. "Anyway, you said you'd finished everything?"

*/* task completion confirmed ---
located final temporally displaced artifact for local amateur archaeologist---
--- took some doing
drone has suggestions to improve efficiency of process---
--- relocate endangered species to another island
--- destroy island plant life with topical defoliants
--- disintegrate topsoil to depth of 1.4 metres
--- use molecular sifters to process resultant ash and locate artifacts */*

"No, Four," I said, very firmly. "The Risians wouldn't let you do that. They're an ecologically sensitive, peaceful people."

*/* peaceful people---
drone will verbalize appropriate response to that description---
--- yeah, right
--- pull the other one, it plays Kent Treble Bob Major */*

Now, that baffled me. "What are you talking about, Four?"

*/*supposed peacefulness of the Risians---
drone has obtained specimens of Risian military technology---
--- graviton spike
--- corrosive grenade
drone estimates these to be highly effective against Species 8472---
--- drone can hardly wait */*

"Four," I protested, "those are peaceful Risian technologies that Starfleet's adapted for military use - the graviton spike is used as an environmentally friendly alternative to explosives...."

*/* that is what the Risians tell you---
as for corrosive grenade---
drone suggests utility of explosive container full of boiling acid is limited to one function---
--- melting opponents' heads off */*

"Oh, that can't be right, Four," I said. "There must be other uses besides -"

*/* melting opponents' heads off */*

"Yes, yes," I said, "but the actual technology, the purpose behind it, must be -"

*/* Melting. Opponents'. Heads. Off. */*

"All right, Four." I could see I was getting nowhere. "But the Risians would probably be happier if you didn't go on about it, OK?"

*/* duly noted---
in any case---
drone has enjoyed her holiday---
--- returning to normal duties now with enhanced effectiveness
drone will be interested to return next year---
--- drone looks forward to it
--- drone is ready

Well, yes, I have to admit, it sounds like Four of Six is ready for Risa next year. I only wonder if Risa is ready for her.

antonine3258

Wonderfully done, shevet.

dalolorn

antonine3258 wrote: »

Wonderfully done, shevet.

You'll get no argument from me.

zedbrightlander1

Risa will never be ready for Four of Six. And neither will Four of Six ever understand Risa. But I will look forward to next Summers misunderstandings.

But perhaps she will be more confused by Q's Winter Wonderland so that we won't have to wait a year for more fun and confusion.

legendarylycan

if four is this confused over risa, i can't wait to see her response to all the temporal shenanigans scattered throughout the storyline now​​

dalolorn

zedbrightlander1 wrote: »

Risa will never be ready for Four of Six. And neither will Four of Six ever understand Risa. But I will look forward to next Summers misunderstandings.

But perhaps she will be more confused by Q's Winter Wonderland so that we won't have to wait a year for more fun and confusion.

YES! More explosi-- no wait that quote doesn't make sense here. *clears throat* I meant to say more shenanigans.

shevet

Hmm. The winter event... yes, Four might have fun with that.

In the meantime, here's a screenshot of Four on Risa, sunbathing, with her faithful Non-Sapient Companion Animal Zero One by her side.

(Yes, she is sunbathing at night. Someone else can try and explain to her; I've given up.)

themetalstickman

Shevet, you continue to amuse and impress.

starswordc

Read this on my lunch break and had the other guys trying to figure out what I was laughing about. I just said "geek humor" because there was no way I could explain it to them in ten minutes.